Sadness Or Depression

[enna]

Sadness or Depression

Has anyone ever been really sad? How do we who are grieving know if it is sadness or depression? I sat in my sadness today and cried most of the day. Tonight I feel somewhat better having let the sadness flow into my body. I did not want to do it but I promised myself that when I get these bursts of deep agony I’d let it happen just to see if I felt better afterwards. I noticed that tonight I was actually having fun with Benji (my pooch) as he demanded that I play with his favorite toys with him. I melt and I do play. I wonder who is ruling whom in this household!

I am going into my tenth month of Jim’s death and most days I am all right and then there are those days when I am so so sad. I do not like being that sad. It brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel so vulnerable. I find it hard to sit and be still because when I do, I cry because I miss Jim so much. It would be good if there were some magic wand that we could wave and all of us would be happy even if for only a few hours. Now I am living in an imaginary time forgetting that reality kicks us in the behind every now and then just to show us who’s boss! I am hoping that this overwhelming sadness is a fleeting thing because if it is not I will be so scared.

I don’t like being scared. I do like encouragement and hugs. I am in need of both tonight. So I reach out and ask my fellow grievers for compassion. I am sure that I am just sad and not depressed. Anne

[MartyT]

My dear Anne, I am sending to you some of the encouragement and hugs you need tonight ~ and I'm quite sure that, as you say, what you're feeling is the sadness and sorrow of grief ~ which is not the same as depression.

I invite you to read this post, Interview: Are We Medicating Normal Grief? and please make sure to follow the links to the related articles at the foot of the post, as I think you'll find some comfort in those writings too. ♥

[srm]

Oh Anne,

The path through grief seems different for us all, yet it seems that many of us feel the same things along the way. Please know you are not alone with this saddness. I think it is normal and likely good to feel it when it needs to be felt, and to cry when you need to cry. It has now been about 17 months since my husband died. I don’t know if it will help you or not but for me the emotional waves still come, but really are getting farther apart. It also seems that when I get back to the surface after each one passes there is a period of relief that seems to lead to a new level of adjustment – or even takes me one step closer to that acceptance I keep hearing about. So be sad when you need to – and enjoy the sun when you can.

Take good care of yourself – the much repeated excellent advice that you share so often.

I am sending you a long gentle hug.

Sue

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

I am where you are with the difference that although I am so sad I can't cry. I've just come back from an intensive five days with our daughter and children, and there were times when I talked about Pete or about what I plan for the anniversary of his death when the tears started but then I managed to suppress them both for her sake and because things are so busy busy there with a ten month old and a nearly three year old. My misery is more passive if you know what I mean. I had my counsellor last week and he said he had noticed a change for the better in me and he asked me if I had looked at my journal (which I haven't added to for ages) as he thought I might be surprised how much worse I was at the beginning. But I haven't because I can't see how different things could be. The situation is just the same. Why should it be any better just because months have gone by? Pete is still dead. I am still on my own. I am still half a person (sometimes seems more like a quarter of one). I am still struggling to even live in any kind of meaningful way. I am still trying somehow to feel close to Pete and failing. You won't be expecting anything helpful from me because you know how it is for me, but the only thing which I do if d helpful is the sharing of feelings on this wonderful forum. And if I am really frank with you all I must admit that whenever I do get just a lttle feeling of content or happiness or joy (and all these words seem so far away from any kind of such feeling I could get) then I suppress it because it seems to move me away from where I want to be which is as close to Pete as I can be. I know from all my reading that this is a bad way of thinking. Just enjoying something does not mean I have forgotten Pete. But it's all about gut feelings isn't it? Rationalisation doesn't work with us does it?

Your bout of crying (how inadequate that sounds for such deep feelings) must have released the tension in you, maybe, and perhaps I should try to release mine somehow. I wonder if I should try music? Every time I think of putting our CDs on I think NO NO, but I wonder? I know you do play music. And I have talked to Mary about this as she was the same as me and couldn't listen to music that she shared with Bill, but now she can listen to some, though others are a no go area.

If it were not for this forum where we can share our feelings I think we would be in a worse place Anne. I wish we were nearer each other as an actual hug would be wonderful. I truly feel I know you and the others here. The communication by this method is amazing and one of the blessings of the modern world. One thing I know is that you reaching out with your feelings is beneficial not only to you but to me. I don't feel so alone. I dont mean that your pain helps me (what an awful person I would be if that were so) but I suppose your pain makes me feel close to you and I need closeness as I have lost my husband of fifty years who I shared such closeness with for so long.

Marty I will look at that link.

Love to all my friends here.

Jan

[enna]

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your hugs and encouragement. I have read the links you sent me, Marty. And yes, some comfort was received.

Sue, I so appreciate your words of encouragement. It does so help to know that the sadness can get a little farther apart. Sometimes we only see what is right in front of us so it helps to have others shed more light on this grief journey.

Jan, what can I say other than we seem to be two peas in a pod. We are both struggling with the loss of our Pete and Jim in the same month and year. I have permitted myself to continue to listen to music since it really brings the tears and sobs on. Jim and I both love music and that is one thing that keeps me connected to him. I know that both you and Mary cannot listen to some music and that is all right. We are unique and will do what is right for each of us. I am convinced that we will make it through this time in our lives. Anne

[Ron B.]

Argh! I just made a long and detailed reply post, but my internet browser crashed, and my post is gone. Oh well. Piecing it back together, here is what I had to say. I deal with depression too, and I know it's not just grief from my parents' passing. I lost my mother 3 years ago and my father 11 years ago. My depression issues are also about other things that cause angst in my life. I am past 50, lonely and without companionship. I am old enough to have a few medical issues and can feel my mortality creeping up on me. I am running my own business now, which I like, but it's also a struggle and stressful. I'd like to think I can actively go about resolving various issues, but somehow I just end up getting stuck a lot of the time. For instance, I eat out frequently at restaurants, because it's too lonely to cook for myself. I neglect getting my proper exercise by swimming in a local municipal pool, even though I could work this into my schedule. The worst of it is when I get stuck at home feeling lonely, when I know I could be outgoing and doing so much more. So, yes, I see obvious signs of my own depression. But it's not all black. A few weeks ago I went clothing shopping online, which I've never done before, and I acquired all kinds of nice clothing that makes me look so much better! And for my grief over losing my parents, I work a lot with family photo collections. And I recently discovered photography, bought a deluxe camera, and am learning so many things. In short I see that I'm not completely stuck; I do find solutions to some problems and am growing inexplicably in other areas of my life. And it was your post, Anne, that set me to think through all this. I am sure you will find ways to to face your own grief and depression, though it's not always obvious how to make progress. It requires time and effort for things to change, but eventually you will find green shoots of growth. Meanwhile, keep up your morale in any way that you can!

Ron B.

[kayc]

Jan,

You said you don't see how things could be any different when the situation is the same. It helps to give yourself permission to NOT be sad. Of course, we continue to miss them. Of course we feel that empty hole inside of us (mine is George shaped). Of course we have times when grief bursts hit. BUT it's not that the situation has improved (it hasn't) or that we've "gotten used to it" (we never do, never will)...but rather that we sharpen our coping skills and WE gradually adjust to the new life that is ours...like it or not. No one could "like" what has happened, but we gradually, so gradual as to not perceive it ourselves, adjust. In the beginning I could not sleep...now I do, although I still can't sleep in our bed (and for me it's been nearly eight years, so don't think you're a woos!) In the beginning my daughter had to get my groceries, as I couldn't bring myself to (it was something we'd always enjoyed doing together). In the beginning I was frantic, afraid, bordering on panic. I'm not nearly as anxious now as I was then. In the beginning it was hard for me to be on the platform at church as I didn't see George when I was looking out over the congregation...now I don't think about it most of the time. In the beginning the weekends were unbearable...now I'm used to them being what they are...rather joyless and alone, although once in a while there's something good in them. Part of that is my fault, I tend to hole up and not seek out people. And I don't plan activities because they cost money. But the point is, little by little, even though the situation hasn't changed, we do get better at dealing with it. It does take time though, more than we'd like. And that time table is different for everyone, so don't be rough on yourself or expect any certain result, it just is what it is and we'll all get through this in our own time and way. (((hugs)))

[enna]

Hi Ron, It is good to connect with you. I see your name but have read only a few of your posts. Isn't it frustrating when those browsers crash?! Did you have a chance to read Marty's post to me above? I like to think that the death of my Jim has just put me into a very sad state rather than a depressed one and I believe that it will come and go as I move further along in my grief journey. I am sorry that you experience depression. All of us feel lonely at one time or another. Good for you for buying new things for yourself. I like shoes myself but I don't think I'm a fanatic about it. Summer time is always more fun because I like to wear sandals and change my toe nail polish! Something you will not be doing, I don't think.

I love to take pictures but I am not very good at it. I do quite abit of computer work still helping teachers with imovies, powerpoints and iphoto presentations. Can you tell I'm a Mac person? That was my life when I was working for the last decade as a media specialist and mentor for teachers. Keep working on those photos - that can be a very rewarding hobby.

I shall take your advice and keep my morale up. Your advice goes for you, too. Anne

ps - why does spelling go out of our heads when we are grieving?! eg. sandles OR sandals. Of course I know the correct spelling I just don't apply it all the time!

[Wifflesnook]

Kay that is a very helpful post. It's speaks to me. Actually I think I AM coping better than I did and yes I AM adjusting to this horrible situation to some extent. How do you do it? You are so good at getting the right words for those of us relatively new to this awful pathway. Thanks Kay

[mfh]

Dear Anne, You and I have had a lot of contact and from where I stand, I see you dealing with grief and sadness. It does come and go. And your have had a full plate with your medical issues especially the past two weeks and that does tend to create more emotion when we are worried and tired. I am here...not going anywhere though I did not check in earlier...I am leading a discussion on a book I have not finished (awgh) so I sat and made myself read for four hours today. Peace, Mary

Jan, I know you also have been under a lot of family stress lately and that makes the grief journey more challenging, in my opinion. You have been taking care of two toddlers and that feels so overwhelming to me that I can not even put it into words. As for music, I do listen to music now and some does make me cry but that is fine. Crying is such a release and I feel much better after shedding tears which I seem to find often these days....but they pass and so will yours. Please take care of your health right now...last week's venture to AE just can not be a repeat. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Jan, the words one uses makes such a difference. We all know people who have set us off with their choice of wording, when they didn't intend to at all. When they say "You need to move on" they really mean "I just want to see you happy again" but they don't understand that "happy" in the true sense of the word may not be our choice, but recognizing what we still have that IS good in life IS our choice. And of course it sounds hollow when someone who hasn't been down this road says it, it's almost like we receive it better from someone who we know that they get it.

Anne, I see depression as something that almost paralyzes someone. I don't see you in that state...yes of course you feel sad, gosh I think we all do at times, sometimes more so than other times. There's times I feel depressed but I don't mean it in a clinical sense of the word, but more just how I'm feeling at the time...I have my hardest times in the wee hours when I'm alone and sleep alludes me. It is then that I find the world's problems insurmountable and my own situation seems to have no answers. After I get up and get going I usually get more clear headed and tell myself to stay in the moment, not the past or future, and I start to feel better.

For me, I think I will feel so much better when Spring truly arrives and winter weather leaves with all of it's hardship. For this week that will have to wait as more snow is falling. I try to keep in mind why I stick out the winters here...and remember how wonderful the summers are!

[enna]

Dear Mary, You know me well. And I forget sometimes that I am grieving since I have had the recent health scare. Jim is always right here with me only I have been forced to look into my own self a little more these last few weeks. I hope your book club discussion goes well. You are in my thoughts as you get closer to Bill's anniversary date. Time to think of you now and know that we are here with you.

Kay, I look to you for any positive I ever need. You are one brave person. I wish I could drop Spring right in your backyard up there in Oregon! I think everyone has had enough winter. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I do understand how grieving can be put on a back burner in some ways when something else is demanding and/or needing attention. Or even when we think it is, as I have done too much of. Your health is surely demanding and needing and deserving of your attention right now and of course, grief does not get the attention you wish you could give to it. Somehow, in spite of all you have on your plate, you always manage to reach out to others here, including me. I thank you for the book club wishes but in the big picture it is not a big deal. I just let this book go as I am not enjoying reading it (Ira Byock's Best Care Possible) with all its detailed case studies. I know why he does this but it still does not make for enjoyable easy reading....though valuable. I hope to use the book as a kick off to get those present involved in looking at their own attitudes and needs around end of life issues. They will have read the book so it seems appropriate that the discussion be personal.

I am doing ok. I have my dips (the past several days on and off) and I come back up most times pretty quickly. I tend to say what I feel and what I feel includes sadness most of the time now...but in the big picture I am doing pretty well. I thank you for reaching out as you always do. I appreciate it and you.

I totally agree with you...Kay deserves an award for finding the good even when Arlie has been poisoned...or when a lot of other tough challenges have been put on her plate. Which one of the Steel Magnolias is she? I am not too familiar with the characters though I do know the play/movie.

I am weary tonight...some stuff going on with Cathy that frightens me. Keep her in your prayers. I prefer not to go into detail here. Tomorrow is another day.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

It's 7.30 am here and like I do every morning when not in Leeds with the girls my first task whilst drinking my coffee in bed is to reach for my ipad and go to the forum. I don't know how I would cope without you all. I feel part of a community here. Kay, you are so right. We receive any words best from people who have been (are) in the same situation or similar. We all know, sadly, what grief is. We all struggle to cope. We all share and pray for each other. My prayers are with Cathy, Mary. I don't actually pray in a conventional manner but prayer can manifest it as loving kindness sent through the ether can't it? Jan

[mfh]

It is 9:15 here. I am off to get a sorely need hair cut. Gal was gone for two weeks so her clients/fans are all shaggy now.

Thank you, Jan. for your thoughts and prayers...whatever form they take.

You are right....this is a community...safe, loving, supportive.

Mary

[kayc]

My sister Polly says she "sends positive thoughts" because she also doesn't pray, I appreciate that!

I feel today that I am coming down sick...woke up at 2 am and couldn't go back to sleep...it was 3:45 am yesterday, I sorely need some sleep! Perhaps this weekend.

So far Arlie is doing well, I will count the days until 30 days have gone by and he gets his results. This morning I found a dead mouse, Kitty must have gotten it, so rat poison hadn't been needed after all!

[mfh]

Take care of yourself, Kay....and rest rest rest. You have had so many stress filled events (mom, Arlie, work) that I am not surprised that your body is taking to you about taking a break. Feel better. Mary