A Truly Wonderful Book About Grief

[Wifflesnook]

I have just finished (in a single session) a wonderful book. It's called Levels of Life, by the British novelist Julian Barnes. I listened to it on Audible and it was read by him. The first two sections aren't about grief at all, but he means you to read them before the section which relates to the death four years ago of his wife of 34 years from cancer. I should mention that he hasn't any faith in the after life, but for those who do have such belief, reading this book will not harm their belief, it's just that he hasn't. I have read several books by people whose spouses have died, and this one deserves to be included with the best of them. His account of grieving is so powerful and to me so meaningful, and in some ways comforting in that it confronts how those of us whose soul mates have died feel, how other people react, how we seek meaning. I can't recommend it enough and I hope you will seek it out.

[MartyT]

Jan, thank you for this recommendation! I've added your suggestion to both these pages:

Grief Bibliography (in The Latest News forum)

Grief Bibliography (on the Grief Healing blog)

I've also pre-ordered a copy for myself from Amazon (not yet available over here, apparently) ~ because, when one of our members recommends a book, I pay attention ♥

[Wifflesnook]

You won't regret it Marty. I think when a book speaks to one from the heart like this one does its worth reading. He thought of suicide but decided against it because he thought he was the only person who could keep his wife's memory alive. I can relate to this (not the suicide part though). In some ways I wish I had the book in hard copy as then I could see some key phrases in print. Come to think of it I may get one. Though hearing it read by the author is good. I will be interested to hear what others think of this wonderful book.

[enna]

Hi Jan,

Yet another book. I think I'll just let Marty buy the book and then I'll borrow it - oh, I forgot she doesn't loan her books out!!! Sounds like a good book to read - I'll keep looking for it to get to the states.

We haven't connected for awhile. I hate the seven hour difference. Is your weather easing up? I suppose the winds from the sea can be pretty strong. When are Rainie and the girls coming? Have you made plans for the 4th? You know you will be in my thoughts. I hope you will do one positive thing for yourself on that special day, dear Jan. I am thinking but haven't decided yet - hopefully something will come to me and it will be what it is to be. Can't believe that we are coming up to one year of losing your Pete and my Jim. Oh, the stories people who have lost a loved one could tell. Anne

[Cakes01]

Thank you Jan i am going to write this one down and be sure to look for it. I hope you are doing well.

[Wifflesnook]

I've ordered the hard back version too. Anne, Rainie and her girls arrive on Thursday. I think, if its a nice day we will take a picnic to our field. It will only be the third time I've been there and I hope the chap I pay to cut paths will have done them. I don't know of I want to do this or not but I will decide near the time. In a way I don't even want to mark the anniversary of Pete's death. A birthday, a wedding anniversary etc seem to be good to ''celebrate' but the day he died? It feels different, and it is. And since I think of him every hour I don't need a special day anyway. But .... Oh I don't know. Will I make my pain even harder? I don't know. When I get the hardback I will scan some key sections and send them to you. The weather is better and you may have seen in FB that I've been weeding Pete's precious geranium bed. I've come to terms with my need to relate to Pete constantly. At times I've been advised not to keep thinking "what would Pete want me to do?", but rather try to think "what do I want to do?". But also I know in our grief we need to listen to our heart. My heart tells me to do what I have done for fifty years, and that is talk to Pete, ask him what I should do. Julian Barnes said something like that. He carries his wife, Pat, inside his head, and talks to her. It helps him. I'm learning that however much advice we get (and I listen to it) the way we deal with our grief is totally personal. If for the remainder of my life I am a person who listens and relies upon someone who has died, so be it. It's my way. Love to all my friends here. Jan

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, Jan ~ Good for you! ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I loved reading your post, about tending the geraniums, with Pete there with you.

As I worked on this project at the office, which is our office, I was feeling overwhelmed. Then, when I was almost awake Tuesday morning, there was Doug in my dreams, sitting quietly, looking at me, and then he picked up his reading glasses, put them on, and began typing on his computer. As if to say, "Just begin, it will come out all right." This was the first big project I had undertaken without Doug, for we did these projects together, especially these mitigation projects in Asia. I had been nervous and feeling scattered, fearful that I would forget some key component, some essential factor in the effort. But after I saw Doug, I realized I could still "consult" with his mind, and so I carried on. Sometimes, when I had a question, I would let it "float" in my mind, and sure enough, I would dream the answer, or it would just come to me later that day or the next day.

I emailed all the new algorithms yesterday, and the project architecture went out yesterday by FedEx. This is an analysis project for determining how much funding is needed for the various prosthetics clinics for land mine victims in several Asian countries where we are introducing more vocational training for the patients, with special programs for the children.

So, we needed to figure out how we can begin to introduce some new components, how to be open to altering these components for effectiveness and the local cultures, and how to grow the programs steadily to reach more of those in need through outreach educational services, and also, to offer assistance to their families with special home installations such as grab bars, showers, and other assistance. Many of the clients live in villages with no electricity or running water. For some, the only way to reach them is via a path where one might, perhaps, on a dry day, be able to navigate with a bicycle or motorbike. Remarkable places, really.

For all of this, we also need to determine if we are approaching this the right way for the people and culture. It has been a very interesting project, one very close to Doug's heart since he was an officer in VietNam. That sense of needing to get it right for Doug and his dreams of helping people was also there with me.

So, reading your post about having Pete to talk with just chimed in perfect resonance with what I have been doing this last month, and more so since our deadline got moved up by three weeks by one of the cooperating foundations with a shift in their budget deadlines. We made it, though.

My other project right now is on fisheries and their traditional, grandfathered uses by indigenous people, where corporate fishing practices are competing with local peoples for the food supplies. Corporations buy politicians to get special permits for taking huge amounts of the fisheries stock, and often deplete what had been fisheries sustained through generations by the indigenous peoples, leaving the local tribes bereft of their traditional protein sources. That project is in the works, but will not be completed for another several months, as I am working with a far-flung team while we sort out the way limits are set for corporations and indigenous peoples in several countries. In all instances, the indigenous peoples are the ones being given short shrift. They do not have the funds to buy politicians with new Mercedes or even television sets. Governments are crazy and corrupt. We never do work with governments so as to keep our hands clean, so to type.

Sorry to natter on here so long, but I am still tired and feeling lazy this morning, so I am being too lazy to even open another thread of this forum.

I think we have a right to listen to Pete and Doug for as long as they want to share with us, dear Jan. It gives me grounding, and as was share elsewhere, also a sense of being "home" and in my usual place and patterns. And that is comforting.

Thank you for sharing about talking with Pete.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Cakes01]

Has anyone heard of the book " I Wasn't Ready TO Say Goodbye surviving, coping, & healing after the sudden death of a loved one by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PH.D. ?

Just got it and wondering if anyone has read it and what they think of it.

Thanks

[MartyT]

I bought and read this book quite some time ago, Kristen, and while I'd have to read it again to refresh my memory, I know I thought enough of it to list it on my website as one I'd recommend to clients and colleagues.

I suggest you go to its page on Amazon and read the readers' reviews there, to give you a sense of what others thought of the book. See I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Death of a Loved One

See also the article, Disenfranchised Grief and watch Dr. Gloria Horsley's interview with Dr. Ken Doka, the thanatologist and researcher who originated the term:

(video).

[Cakes01]

Ok thanks Marty. I followed those other links and they were helpful. Thank you Still trying to get by, but i guess as i've been told-it takes time.

[Wifflesnook]

Here is a great review of the Julian Barnes book that I recommended

http://www.the-tls.co.uk/tls/public/article1253123.ece