Anger

[Cakes01]

I understand that some people don't know what to say or how to act toward someone suffering with a huge loss, but for some reason that doesn't ease the pain. I was told by someone who lost their baby and their wife in a car explosion that one of the hardest things was when the phone stopped ringing after the deaths. I didn't know many people before i met Marcus, but the few i did know bearly reached out. I was calling people and going to places where people knew me and Marcus as a couple. It was odd cause he was the people person not me yet i found myself seeking people out. I haven't been talking to anyone really now. People seem fed up almost angry at me cause i talk about him and haven't gotten on my feet yet. I live with my parents and they have been great. Doing the best they can to support me, but i feel that way about them too. I had 2 friends and my boss/friend, but tgey are no where to be found now. He hasn't even been gone for a month! Now i feel angry. Like they don't understand how much we love eachother and how desparately i want nothing more then to be with him again. I haven't told them that so they shouldn't be sick of hearing me say that. I'm just at a loss. Sometimes i get scared that i'm going to forget him. That he was just a sweet dream and now i've woken up to a nightmare without him. It should've been me. I really believe that. Anyone who knows how i feel or have advice for me i'd love to hear from.

[MartyT]

Kristen, you might find this post to be of interest: Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

[Cakes01]

I will check it out now. Thank you Marty.

[feralfae]

Dear Kristen,

Have you found any local grief support groups? If you call the local hospice offices, they will most probably have information. The first few months after Doug left, I was just in a complete fog, and my grief counselors and sharing with other people in my hospice group was a very big part of my being able to go on. We were all walking through the same Valley, and all there to cry, share stories, share photos, and talk about our broken hearts, and it helped a lot to have others to hold my hand, give hugs, get hugs, and share boxes of tissues, too.

I don't remember if you have a church or not, but if you do, please call and find out how they can help you. Some churches have grief support groups that are open to the community, so maybe you can find one at another church.

I am so sorry you are going through this time. I remember when Doug left that I walked around in the house looking for him for days. I walked out in our forest, just knowing I would find him, or a letter, or a sign, something. It took a long time to accept that Doug was not coming back. I still wake up missing him some days, but overall, the days are easier now.

Some days, when our hearts are newly broken, it is hard to imagine going on. But Kristen, you are still alive, and you have a life before you, and now, you can begin to take very good care of yourself, find a support group near you, go to counseling, and begin to turn your attention toward staying healthy, getting enough rest, staying off alcohol, and just taking very loving and compassionate care of yourself.

Just make sure you have a regular and routine sleep schedule, and that you get enough sleep. Eat healthy foods. Drink lots of water. Tears can be very dehydrating, I have found. Begin to take care of yourself. Floss your teeth. Do little self-caring things when you think of them.

I am being practical because I think part of staying alive is focusing on the small things such as teeth care, skin care, healthy foods, and lots of water. There were weeks when I focused on eating something twice or three times each day, and drinking lots of water, and it was all I could do.

I send you loving prayers, dear Kristen, and hope that you can get some good nights of sleep, and some minutes of peace through each day.

*twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Kristen,

You will never forget him, never. And I'm sorry people are so disappointing...the same thing happened to me. I'm glad you have your parents, I have my sisters. My one sister doesn't know how to respond to grievers, she tried to get me to move to the city, sell my house, not get a dog, etc. I tried to tell her that what's right for her isn't right for me but she doesn't listen. I hope she never has to lose her husband and find out what it's like.

[Cakes01]

Fae,

That's how i feel-like i'm in a fog. People who i thought would be annoying me with calls of concern are no where to be found. I am angry cause i don't feel like they ever understood how very much in love were are. I know it's what i believe that matters, but as we know it helps to have others especially those you think care acknowlege that love and the loss. I have been trying to find places online for support with a sudden death, but haven't had much luck. There are groups my therapist told me about. Not sure if i'm going to check it out though. They're at the hospital where Marcus was a paramedic.

Nothing feels right without him. I went to the store and when i realized my cart was full of stuff Marcus would like i started crying. Other then that and therapy and meeting with my lawyer i don't like or want to go anywhere. I just ache for him. It's hard to even concider taking care of myself. He always took such good care of me and now that his body is not here i think-why bother?

I have found some peace in ADC. I believe Marcus has been sending me signs everyday that he is with me. I think i'm getting a bit consumed with reading up on it and how to connect better, but i'm good with it as long as i can have him in some form.

Thank you for your kind and loving prayers i hope you are well and are having peaceful night sleeps.

[Cakes01]

Kay,

I know i won't forget him. Just sometimes it feels like it's been ages since we've been together. He hasn't even been gone for a month. I just miss him so much. Your sister sounds like how my mother was. I'm grateful that she isn't that way right now. They have been very supportive, but as you know no one can take the place of George or Marcus. That client i talked about-she had said "when you find the right one for you you will know why Marcus died". We were texting about dog walking visits and she asked me if i had any male friends to keep me company. Are you kidding me!? Marcus would hate that and i have no desire to be around any men. I tried to be nice, but clear that for as long as i have to be alive i will live in honor of Marcus. She changed the topic which i was relieved with cause i could tell her next step was to try to set me up with someone. I would be done at that point. I too hope your sister never losses her husband either. Even though we know they mean well it can be frustrating when people just don't get it. I'm glad you were able to stand your ground and do what is best for you. Lots of hugs to you

[kayc]

Kristen,

Oh gosh, you have NO IDEA how MUCH I've learned to stand my ground! Wow! It's amazing how much backbone we can grow when we have to! These people, and trust me it takes a lot for me not to call them idiots!, the things they say!!! People truly don't know what's appropriate or inappropriate to say to someone who is grieving. They're so way out of line! I don't know why they think if you lost your partner that you need to be told what to do and that their decisions/choices/preferences are what is best for you!

Have you ever been in a church prayer meeting and everyone has their eyes closed and one at a time they're praying? And someone stops praying and it's quiet? Notice how uncomfortable that makes people feel and sure enough someone will pipe up and start praying too, even if they really have nothing to say. People are uncomfortable with silence! They feel they need to stop the gap. And in so doing, they miss something. They miss the important part, the being still, being quiet, listening part. Which is such an important part of prayer! God doesn't need us to just keep babbling away, filling in the gaps, talking at Him, HE doesn't feel it's awkward when we're quiet and listening! ...what I'm getting at is this: it's the same way when we lose someone. It makes people uncomfortable. It's like they don't know what to do with death OR with single people. They feel the need to "stop the gap" by matching us up with someone. It's annoying! We learn so much by allowing ourselves to go through the process of learning to be on our own, learning to do our grief work, learning to be on this journey, learning our new normal, learning to be comfortable with singlehood. What I mean by that is NOT that we choose being single over having our partner with us, god no! Of course we would rather they be here, but if they can't be, well, we'll be single then and adjust to doing that rather than feeling we "have to have someone" in our lives. We learn to do our time alone. That doesn't mean it's easy, oh heavens, it's not! But it's something we work at and learn. And now that all of our friends dumped us, we have to make new ones...not an easy feat. For one thing, we're more guarded and selective now...we've seen what these "friends" have turned out like and aren't relishing getting more of the same. It takes us time, and it's so slow, meanwhile we're more alone than we care to be. The few whose friends didn't dump them are very lucky. Not everyone fares so well.

Yes, your parents and my sister "mean well" but when they're saying something stupid, it's ever so hard to take! I had to distance myself from my sister a lot that first year until I was strong enough to continually hold my ground with her...I had to protect myself until I was well enough. We have to learn to be choosy about who we are around and choose to be around those that are positive for us, and guard our time around those who are not.

[Cakes01]

Kay,

I don't know how i missed this, but very i think good timing all things concidered. Yesterday my stepfather said "well i see you're wearing the same pajamas. Could've guessed that". Really? Whatever. I'm so sick of comments like that. One month and i can't find anyone to show a little compassion here!

Here not meaning this site mind you

[Cakes01]

My friend in Florida didn't even know Marcus and she dissappeared now. I'm not a bad person. Just wanted to be happy with the man of my dreams

[kayc]

Kristen,

I hope you're able to not take it personally...it happens to most of us. There's a few here that didn't lose all their friends...maybe theirs were a better caliber, I don't know, I just know it happens too often. Try to let it go when they say/do something stupid. You will get new friends, better ones!

[Cakes01]

Thanks Kay. I try not to take it personally it's hard though. I feel like i've made some good friends here

[feralfae]

Kirsten, how are you doing?

I wonder if the support group at the hospital is worth visiting once. Even though it is a close to tie to Marcus, it is also a place for you to share your grief and get some support, and that is so very important for you right now. I saw my grief counselor twice a week right after Doug left, and then once a week for a long time. And I also had the Hospice Support Group.

Would you have the time and money to travel to a group in another town, if you are not comfortable there where Marcus was a paramedic? I know you are feeling very left out in the cold with your pain and grief. I just hope you can find more support. I have come to a place where my meditation times are my best therapy, when I can be with myself and work on healing from within, which seems to be a healing and healthy way for me to do this. But the first couple of months, my mind was just too scattered and fogged to do any meditation, now that I think about it. You will know when it is right for you to meditate, find a group, and so for now, stay in touch with your self, be compassionate with yourself, and take very good care of your health.

I am glad you are here with us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Cakes01]

Hi Fae,

I don't know how i keep missing posts i'm.... still here. Therapy does help. Even if right now it's only to spend an hour with someone who knows how much we love eachother and to share memories with her. I don't know about the group support. People make me nervous though i do really well with my consults with clients. Also i'm on guard about being judged. I have this idea in my head that Marcus's ex knows EVERYONE. That can't be true though. I'm worried about what she and her "friends" are saying about the business. Marcus wanted this business to be successful. I wish she and her "friends" would go away. I wish they would all just focus on her and her baby! I miss him so much

Enough about me. How are you doing??

[kayc]

Kristen,

Make that your goal this week, to try and practice focusing on YOUR life with no thought to HER! Squash that thought out of your head every time it enters, replace it with thoughts of the business you're trying to get off the ground, and do it in Marcus' memory. It'll take practice, but you'll get there!

[Cakes01]

Thank you Kay. It's always nice to hear that someone is in my corner i wrote Marcus a letter today. It will be one of many i think. It felt good, but of course not the same as our many hour conversations. I do have to stop focusing on Jen and just do my thing and as you said-in honor of Marcus

Hey did you you get your car??

[kayc]

My car was supposed to be done last night but it wasn't, hopefully tonight.

Try to remember, every time you focus on Jen, you are giving her power and she wins! It shouldn't be about winning or power struggle, it should remain on the relationship you know you and Marcus have had.

[Cakes01]

I am trying Kay. i know i shouldn't worry or even think about her. thank you for the words of encouragement

It seems fitting that i share this here. i went to do a visit today and the guy was home. We had a really nice and enlitightening talk. it will be 2 yrs in August that his wife died. that's why he needs a pet sitter. he had to go back to work and has 3 wonderful dogs. he was very open and so kind. we talked about how people who don't know what to say when faced with grief would just shut up and say nothing or just a simple sorry. we were able to just BE in our candid conversation. yes i get that MOST people mean well, but really? being an adult you know yourself well enough-close your mouth if it isn't going yo be nice or helpful. even this guy just now 2 hrs later waiting for my pizza he was so nice. took my cards and we talked about a lot of things. neither were close to romantic. just nice to be heard. i miss MM so much!

[kayc]

I'm glad, it's so nice to be heard and understood and that must have been nice for BOTH of you!

[Cakes01]

It was Kay. Neither were expected encounters, but very nice. Also the other night i got texts from Marcus' youngest sister. She had stayed eith us one weekend with the girls. We really hit it off. I had left her a few messages on google, but didn't push. She said she just saw my messages and was so sorry she didn't see them sooner. She looked for me on facebook, but couldn't find me. She said she understands why Marcus distanced himself from the family and she is doing the same now. She said she met me and loves me and what i brought out in him. She saw a beautiful side of Marcus that they will never see and it's their loss. I just wanted her to know he was never mad at her. What she gave me in return was nothing short of a wonderful gift!

How is your car? You did get it back, right??

[kayc]

Yeah, I got my car back. I need to call the adjuster Mon. because my neck area has been hurting the last week, I wanted to see if it'd go away, and maybe it will but I just want to let them know something is going on in it, started about a week after the accident. It's not real bad but people tell me it could get worse, so I guess I need to cover my bases.

I'm so glad you heard from Marcus' younger sister! The other one was horrible, so it's nice that you got this nice exchange from the other one.

[boogieman]

It has only been 2 months next week I lost My Paula to cancer. Now most of our old friends, and more astonishingly , most family have stopped calling. What bothers me most is My Paulas Mother. Since My Paulas passing I have talked to her no more than 5-6 times. She has only been over here 3 times. On of My Paulas sister has yet to call, a sister that My Paula practically raised. The other I have called twice and seen twice. Same with my family. Several calls each the first few weeks has dwindeled to hardly any contact at all. I understand their getting-on with their lives. My life is on hold right now.

People who have never experienced to totality of our type of loss are completely unprepared to deal with it or us. Like you I am sick and tired of the platitudes. Please don't say anything if you have nothing to say. As most people don't have anything to say it is more comfortable for them to stay away rather than deal with the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I sense the uneasiness in others so try to keep my distance from them as they just don't want to hear what I need to say. It does get lonely at times.

Chris

[Cakes01]

Chris,

I am so sorry about Your Paula Though it's not by far a pleasant topic i am glad to hear someone feels the same as i do about the platitudes. It gets frustrating and depressing and (you are right) lonely at times. I find most of the time. It's been just over 2 months for me. If anything things have gotten worse. I think in the back of my mind i thought he was still here-somewhere on this earth. Now everything hits me hard at the strangest times. Though our stories are different we both lost our loves. If you ever want to talk i'm here. The silence can be deafening at times-even with the tv on or in a crowd of people. Marcus is not there-he's not waiting for me at home....

I don't mean to upset you or anyone here. There are good people out there that care like people here, but there are also those that at times i just want to screem at(very unlike me by the way:))

Just know if you want to talk-i'm here

Kristen

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I invite both of you to read this article: Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations ♥

[Cakes01]

Thank you Marty i read that already.