I Need Your Help

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost your post, I know how frustrating that can be! Sometimes if I'm composing a post that takes a great deal of effort, thought, and time, I'll do so in Word, and then copy/paste it into the post, that way you won't lose it.

I made a smoothie for dinner again last night as I'd had a big lunch and didn't feel hungry but knew I needed something because of my Diabetes. You might try the juicing, it can be very healthy! There is a doctor that claims to have cured herself through juicing organic foods, it was a nearly full time job to do so, but she's alive to tell about it (she'd had cancer), I remember the diet was called Hallelujah diet, can probably google it to learn about it. I personally love carrot juice mixed with milk. This summer I made lots of organic apple juice with some grapefruit and pears mixed in with it and froze it in containers, really good!

[boogieman]

After a very trying day, and no sleep at all for 36 hours, I find the best temporary relief is to find or discover something good, nice, or unexpected.

I did manage to wrap, box, and ship the Christmas packages that had to go out-of-state. Very hard to do emotionally but I did accomplish it. My Paula is proud of me!

Got home later this afternoon to see the icy grip on our beautiful Pear tree had released. The tree has sprang back to shape without a single broken branch. I was really concerned I would be forced to take a chain-saw to it. The majority of trees in our area suffered greatly as I heard and saw tree trimmers everywhere I went today. Pick-up sized piles of broken trees everywhere.

And lastly, I have decided to go to the tree lighting ceremony and be with family instead of the Hospice Memorial. The tree ceremony was the last social outing My Paula and I attended last year. We had a wonderful time then, and for a short while, My Paula was NOT a cancer patient which she enjoyed greatly. I'm thinking that being surrounded by family, in a festive atmosphere, to be a better option.

None of the family was willing to go to the memorial with me and I am still to emotionally fragile to face that alone. In fact tears are welling just typing this post.

It is going to be extremely hard either way, isn't it.

Hopefully I can rest some tonight.

Chris

[KarenK]

Chris,

I'm so proud of you for taking care of the out of town packages. I'm having a difficult time just shopping for my son & grandson. It breaks my heart to visit the men's dept. in a store. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in reverse on this thing called grieving, but I know I must move forward for the living. I will have to wait for my SS check next week to get gift cards for my out of town daughter & family.

I'm glad you decided to go the tree lighting & hope your weather cooperates. I hope you & your family have a nice time. I know my son & grandson love me, but we almost never see each other. In truth, not much different than before Ron died. I guess, as we've discussed before, they don't really understand what this loneliness is like.

And yes, it is hard either way, But I know Paula will be watching over all of you.

Karen

[Wifflesnook]

Karen

I've got to write Xmas cards for the second time writing just from Jan. We shared this task always. One did addresses and the other wrote inside. It breaks my heart doing this. And yes, I know how you feel going into the men's department, my Pete will never need those things again. His socks drawer is full, his shirts still hang in the wardrobe, his jackets and trousers still wait for him.

Cards are arriving from people and they are addressed just to me. Every time I see one my heart feels a sharp pain. Oh the sadness.

[kayc]

Chris,

I rejoice with you that your tree needn't perish! And I'm proud of you, along with Paula, that you accomplished the Christmas package shipment. I do know how hard it is doing these things alone. I make cards, and before George died (in June) I was already working on an award winning card...designed because my George was an avid fisherman...It had a fish on it, and water, and a fishing line with a bobble that said "Merry Christmas!" Just looking at that card broke my heart...he'd been so proud when I designed it. I didn't send out cards that first Christmas.

Jan and Karen,

A friend of mine's wife passed 10 1/2 years ago...all of her clothes and belongings are still there, as if she just went to the store. And you know what? It doesn't hurt a thing. If he doesn't feel like dealing with it, so what? It's okay. Take your time, don't push it.

[boogieman]

Had a very nice time at the tree lighting. Being postponed for a week the crowds were smaller and the weather co-operated. Cool but not cold. Due to chemo, My Paula just couldn't abide the cold. I know she was there to enjoy the family 's time spent together.

Don't have the heart to send Christmas cards this year. And Jan, My Paula and I did exactly the same thing. As you all know, just too emotionally difficult. No one who hasn't gone through this trauma has a real clue as to the depths of loneliness those of us who have experience on a daily basis. They can empathize but never truly comprehend or understand.

I think that when the 5 generations of family are here Christmas eve, I want each daughter, grand-daughter, and great grand-daughter to select one item each from My Paula's assets for a keep-sake. Whether it be a ring, a pin, earrings, necklace, clothing, whatever. These items were special to My Paula and I know she would be pleased to share with her distaff heirs. Keeping all this under lock-and-key is doing no one any good. Even me as everything reminds me of her.

Have also decided to gift each person with a framed 8" x 10" photo of that person taken with My Paula. Hopefully not to morose a gesture. I feel the need to do this to continuate her memory and help me in the process.

Things like My Paula's wedding dress, and many other very special items, I will keep. We were so sentimentally attached to particular items for particular reasons. Each evokes a special memory of the wonderful lives we shared and a special moment in time. Other items, such as her toiletries, her delicates, her daily living items, I intend to leave just as they are. I know that without these "things" the house will seem even lonelier, colder, and more sad by their absence. Hanging on to the mundane is my only connection to the wonderful day-to-day lives we shared.

A connection that hurts so deeply and so greatly missed, yet one I can not dismiss. The potential pain of seeing these trivial items far outweighs their being gone and missing. I just can't erase the imprint of any trace of My Paula in my life, or this house built just for her. I know My Paula will be pleased at this feeble effort to maintain my connection with her. My Paula placed her "stamp" on every square inch of her "nest" and I intend to maintain that presence. I want, need, her to feel at home when she comes to look in on me.

Big talk for someone still experiencing the extreme highs and lows of grief and depression. I am hoping that some sense of normalicy will provide a certain level of steadiness in the sea of unbridled emotions.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I can't tell you how impressed I am that in the midst of all this pain, you are able to attend the lighting ceremony, offer your Paula's jewelry to family and I do think the photo idea is a wonderful idea. A treasure for folks and NOT morose at all. I know you do this through pain as we all do.

Peace,

Mary

[boogieman]

Thank you Mary. As I stated earlier, "Big talk...". trying desperately to cope. Not very successfully though. Today, 8 months ago, I had to admit My Paula to the hospital. Or was it 8 days ago. Or 8 hours ago.

All still too fresh and raw.

I just thought I was doing better.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I believe you are doing better. Grief is a roller coaster ride...sometimes we take some really low dips, sometimes level, sometimes we climb high and then wham....to the bottom. It is like that but over time, we are stay on our path, the path levels out a lot. I think staying on our path means to honor our pain by allowing it and by taking advantage of those moments, hours, or even days when pain is sitting quieter.

Hang in there, my friend. YOU are making it....1 forward 3 back, 4 forward, 2 back....2 forward, 3 back. Peace to you, Mary

[boogieman]

Appreciate the encouragement especially tonight. I have been at one of my lowest points in months tonight. Crying until my face hurts from grieving and missing My Paula so greatly. I need someone to explain to me why this happened to My Paula. Why her? Why any of the multitude of unanswerable questions that constantly plague and taunt me so mercilessly?

And the loneliness that invades every pore of me without My Paula. I am finding this all almost unbearable again.

No idea what to do, how to act, how to live this way, or even how to be.

Everything, every move, every effort is meaningless without My Paula.

Talking to our daughter Emily earlier tonight. She commented on how well I handled myself and inter-acted with the family last night at the tree gala. Little did she know of the agony that lay just beneath the surface. Is it "good" that I am getting better at hiding my true self from everyone or not? It comes at a very high toll internally. Sacrificing my true emotional state for their sake is hard business to maintain. They expect and deserve my best. Little do they know the price paid for that.

I am so very tired and emotionally drained I am delirious. Need to rest but know that is impossible, and probably so for the rest of the night unless I cry myself to sleep again. I am so completely exhausted all the time from having to live this way.

And tomorrow brings more of the same sadness and loneliness.

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Chris!
You are on such a high/low roller coaster right now. I remember when I was constantly up one hour, down the next, holding on for dear life around some emotional curve, only to fall straight down again. That does not happen as often now, although it did today with the arrival of a box of gifts from our climber tribe. I just sat and cried a lot of tears of gratitude for their enduring love.

Chris, you are doing so well to hang on, to incorporate Your Paula into the ongoing rituals of your family, and to share your love for her and them through such wonderful gifts. I know I treasure our family portraits, and one of you and Your Paula for the children and grands sounds so caring and sharing of the love you all had for Your Paula and that she had for all of you. That is thoughtful and good of you. You are continuing the enduring love with your family. How beautiful.

Even through these days of so much grief and sorrow, you are reaching out, giving, sharing, and taking tiny baby steps back into life. Take your time. It is a lot of work and very tiring. Take naps. I know you are taking good care of your health, and good health is such a wonderful gift to each of us this time of year, as we each mend, repair, maintain, and heal in our own way. I think you are doing very well.

Blessings and Merry Christmas,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Chris like me you are struggling with what to do with things. Yesterday I opened Pete's underwear drawer and took out what we call underpants to use as a duster. But I couldn't. Got some sock out and tried with them.

A day or two ago I read in the local newspaper of a group who comes to collect tools and send suitable ones to African countries where people need them. I've written the contact details in case I can bring myself to let go of some of Pete's tools. The problem is I still think he will need them, even after all this time. We have to take these things so slowly. Your idea of letting people choose mementos of Paula is a very very good one.

[mfh]

Yes, Chris, the pain early on is unbearable and somehow we bear it. It does lessen up but it all takes time as you are learning.

You asked: "Is it "good" that I am getting better at hiding my true self from everyone or not?"

I do think there are times when the situation calls for us to "hide" our pain. Sometimes it is for our own emotional safety because we know sharing will only make it worse if that person says things in return that are hurtful. Other times it is just the situation i.e. a meeting, someone else needs our attention, etc. However, I do think it would be great and helpful and healing if we all had people in our lives with whom we could share our pain and be heard...someone to hug us when we cry. I wish, for your sake, your family or one or two of them could be let into your confidence. It sounds like your daughter might possibly be one of those people in your life. I know you are reluctant to share your pain with your family but I hope there is one or two people out there with whom you can talk openly. We all need that and as loving and compassionate as this group is, having someone sitting with you and listening is also helpful and I believe, necessary. You mentioned a long while back, a friend you shared with but have not mentioned doing that lately. Perhaps reconsidering one or more family member as someone you can open up to a bit, would be something to do right now. It can be healing for both people. But you know the situation and what might or might not work for you.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Chris, I think your sharing her things and giving pictures of her with your loved ones is a wonderful memorial to her, and will aid in keeping her alive to all of the family as well.

That you experience such a low after such great strides is not in the least bit surprising to me, that is just how grief is...three steps forward, two steps backward, but still moving overall in a progressive fashion, though as not to distinguish it. What an emotional roller coaster indeed!

[boogieman]

Woke this morning still blue, depressed, sad, lonely and over-all down. Cried myself to sleep at some point.

Mary, you mentioned my friend Nick. I do stay in contact with him. He has been single for over 20 years due to divorce. He has learned how to live singularly and offers his experiences as guidance. I have learned through our experiences to be careful while leaning on him as he too still has down moments and I don't want to push him to that state of mind needlessly. I have inadvertently done so on more than one occasion and it makes me sad to know I have been at least partially responsible for causing that situation. We have cried together more than once. But he is still here for me and me for him.

Imagine that. Compassion coming from me when I can barely function myself. My Paula has had an even greater impact on me than I even know.

Talking to our children is so hard as they too are still dealing with our loss. My Paula is actually their step-mother since they were 6 and 8 years old. Greg is 42, Emily is 41, Bobbie (DIL) is 49. Bradley, our natural child, is 31. But that distinction was never an issue as My Paula is basically the only mother they have ever known. She loved, relished, and cherished that position so never made the distinction either. The children were hers and she was "MOMZ". This is still hard on them too so their reluctance is acknowledged and understood. I do open-up to Emily and Bobbie often. They acknowledge that and offer kind words in return. Perhaps that will have to be enough instead of my longing for more.

Bradley is another situation. I have yet to talk to him since mid-summer. He is bitter and internally conflicted by almost everything. I have no influence there but do try regularly to touch-base with him and will continue to do so.

All that being said, I realize this is a singular, long, lonely process that I must, for the most part, learn to manage alone.

Never accepting fully as it causes too much pain, but managing as best I can to compromise between truth and reality verses my sanity and peace-of-mind.

I have no doubt My Paula, Momz, Mamaw, will long be remembered. She had that effect on all who knew her. We are all so fortunate to have been a part of her life and her a part of ours. A more compassionate, loving, giving, caring, selfless person I have never known. And I miss her so terribly each and every day.

Thank you all again as I struggle so greatly with this, just as you.

Chris

[mfh]

You are welcome, Chris...keep on keeping on.Mary

[kayc]

Chris,

My dad raised all of us kids (my mom was married to his brother before she married him)...there was never any distinction between the older three and younger three, and my sisters considered my dad as their dad...their own biological father was "father" as the role was more formal, less intimate, and they rarely saw him. Of the two, it is my dad that they miss, as he is the one that took on the daddy role.

I know it's hard for you, your youngest not having much to do with you. Who knows why kids are the way they are! I'm glad you have the others to keep you company.

[boogieman]

Families indeed.

Struggling again today with all that needs to be done for the holidays. A long list that I can't seem to cope with.

Things My Paula handled so effortlessly.

Tomorrow morning, the 16th, at 3:00 am, is when My Paula was taken away 8 months ago.

Knowing what needed to be done, yesterday, I sat and cried almost all day missing My Paula and did absolutely nothing.

Not a lot better today. I did manage to sweep the hardwood floors and vacuum the den carpet, even wrapped a few presents.

But my heart was not in it and I derived no joy from it. Just another in a long list of chores to be addressed.

So here at the end of another long lonely weekend I face the specter of 3:00 am in the morning alone, just as I had to then.

If and when you get tired of hearing of my misery , please have the decency to tell me. I have no one else to share these, my most private thoughts and raw emotions, with.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

We will not get tired of your misery. IF it gets too powerful for us, we can always slip away for a while, and the rest of the tribe will still be here with you. I, for one, am very proud of you for how you are struggling on, holding on to your Love, and growing in wisdom and compassion on this journey. I am so happy you are noticing the changes in you, and I know Your Paula is at the root of your courage and efforts. Good for you.

Today was the last day Doug was able to sit at the table and have dinner with me two years ago. He gave Thanks, and he thanked HM for life, for love, for joy and adventure. It was a beautiful prayer. And here we all are, giving thanks. *<twinkles>*

For many of us, especially after the first year, there are few other people to offer us solace, compassion, understanding, and a shared sense of the journey we are undertaking into the very depths of our hearts, so that we may find Grace and the Courage to go on with our appointed mission, whatever that may be revealed to be. Here, I have found a Tribe of people, gathered around a common fire, sharing stories, helping to heal each other, and being patient and understanding no matter how much we goof up on protocol and stuff. There is compassion and acceptance there, and lovingkindness in heaps and bounds. This place is private, and your heart is safe here.

This is a tough time of year, without all the memories, milestones, traditions, and special days. I hope you can be open enough with your family to ask a couple to come over on alternate nights to help wrap the presents for the others. That is my plan. Somehow, we keep going, and even if there are days when we cannot move out of the house, or when we feel surrounded with reminders of the absence of our Beloved, we keep going. We are still here, so I believe we have more work or play to do, more art to make, more love to give, more songs to sing, more dances to dance. It just takes a while to heal enough to begin to feel alive again, after being torn in half at the spirit level of ourselves and our lives.

You are doing such a great job of staying on your journey. You are leaning into the process, and I believe that in your own time, you will heal with Peace and Grace.

*<twinkles>*

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

We do not tire of hearing you...and slipped into the middle of your misery, just every now and then, are glimpses that you are handling things better. That doesn't mean you're "over it"...we who are here know that is never the case, but rather we do somehow adapt at being better copers. It's okay to not feel joy in the tasks of the season, that is to be understood. What is good is that every once in a while, a bit of joy slips in, without warning, perhaps seeing a grandchild or a call from a friend, just as misery unbidden slips in...our lives become a collection of ups and downs, never as "before", but life nonetheless.

[feralfae]

Chris, when you read this, we want to know how you are doing, our friend.

Please let us know how you are.

Blessings,

fae

[boogieman]

Has been good and very bad this past week. Good is that our girls came over Thursday to organize cooking and did most of the house cleaning for Christmas eve, our family time together. Grand- son in from Ft. Bragg for 10 days through the 28th. Grand- daughter and family here tomorrow for 7 days.

The other side is that most of the cooking has to be done by me alone on Monday night/Tuesday morning as nothing will keep for 5-6 days and be fresh. I'm talking 6 or 7 dishes from scratch. They all have plans for every minute between now and then so can't/won't be back until Tuesday morning.

Went just now to have pictures made to frame for the family of My Paula.

The equipment there won't let me do what I need done to get the finished product I want. Frustration set-in, stress beat me, depression and grief took-hold, and I broke down in the store. I am so utterly defeated , stressed, and exhausted trying to be and have the Christmas everyone is expecting. I can't live up to that expectation.

Not sleeping well again. Not eating much if anything. Constant headache from the stress. Blood pressure all over the scale. 140's over 90's to low 90's over 60's.

On the verge of canceling the whole thing. My heart is not in it and my grief and depression is growing stronger daily as I try so hard to keep everything in check and suppressed without any sign of success. I just want to crawl into a deep hole and pull the dirt back in around and over me.

I can't take too much more of this aloneness. I am meant to be with My Paula now more than ever. Never being afraid to face a challenge, I find myself buckling at the mere prospects of getting through this alone.

Maybe then all this won't hurt so much.

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, I hope you're not working so hard to make this holiday special for everyone else that you lose yourself in the process. I thought of you when I read this today: New Holiday Traditions for Widowers ♥

[feralfae]

Chris, tell them you need someone else to cook each night and spread it around, or else you call some place that can cook and deliver meals, or go to Costco and get those ready-frozen dinners.

I am so sorry about the photo problems, and I know how hard it can be when you are already feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe it is time to come clean with everyone, while they are all there. Tell them you need a lot of help this year, that you are still having a lot of grief and not doing as well as you usual self, all because you still feel lost without Your Paula. Just be honest.

Then, you can all sit down and figure out a plan together, if you can come clean with them. They all love you and want to be with you and all you need to do, typical man, is ask for some help. I feel great empathy for you, but just take the title of this thread you started, and make some big signs and sign them Dadz or Grandpa or Chris, and leave them all over the house.

I know everyone here joins me in sending you lots of {{{hugs}}} as you go through this rough time. I hope you can cry and then I hope you can talk with your dear children and families about what YOU need this Christmas. Open up and let them help you. They will love that this is a great Family Event, and you call all talk about Your Paula while you all cook and do things together. They may need to shift some plans, but trust me, they will not mind. They will all understand.

Sorry to be so pushy with advice, but as one of those hyper-independent people, I know how tough it is to ask for help. And you can print a little note IOU about the photo, and show them the one they will be getting. You can do this, Chris. Mostly,

1) ask for help

2) give yourself lots of time outs to cry or sit alone and just take care of yourself, even if you need to go into the bedroom and close the door for a while

3) be so compassionate with yourself that you realize that your loving gift of the photograph will be appropriate at any time, and lift that expectation off of yourself right now

4)let your family love you and take care of you while they are there. It will make the time even more special for everyone.

And ignore any of this that does not feel right for you.

Please remember to take care of you. That is what we are all trying to do here right now, is to just remind each other to be gentle and kind to ourselves through the holidays.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Chris, 7 recipes in two days, alone, when you are not used to cooking, and when you are in deep pain- seems like way way way too much to ask of yourself. I'm with fae and Marty...time to cut that back and focus on taking care of Chris...just getting through these holidays is a gigantic achievement without taking on a huge cooking assignment. I hope you will reconsider and let them know you are happy to do one of the 7 (your choice) and pass the recipes out to 6 others to bring for Christmas. I know I could not consider doing all that even now. Do re-think this, read the article Marty sent you, and take care of Chris.

Peace to your heart,

Mary