It Hurts

[vickev2006]

It has been over 2 years now since my beloved Kevin died, but it feels like yesterday. I joined this forum because I had a horrible conversation with his mom that left me in a panic attack. Even saying this is bringing one on. She tells me I am making eveyone unhappy & no one can stand my crying anymore. Yes, I still cry -- I miss him so much; I can't imagine a life without him. I am sad; I am beyond sad; I am hopeless & don't know what I am going to do. I have not been able to work & barely get outside the house. I am sorry I make everyone so unhappy that they can not help me, but I can not help myself! I am so tired of being sorry. I just keep asking God to please take me so I can be with him & be out of this pain. I am so fed up with people telling me "it's time to stop crying" & "we all have to move on". It just makes me feel worse. I am tired of being sorry; I see it in my friend's faces that they are uncomfortable that I am "still" crying & sad -- but I am sad; I am sadder than I have ever been in my life. I cannot imagine a life without Kevin. We found each other late in life & I finally felt I had found my place in this world with him; now he is gone, I don't know anything anymore -- I don't know what I am going to do. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't breathe. My mother-in-law asks me what I've been doing & all I'm doing is trying to get thru each day, trying to breath, which upsets her -- it is not good enough for her. I am about to lose our house but it doesn't matter -- nothing seems to matter anymore. I cannot believe it has been over two years -- yes, I am stuck in my grief, but I can't get out of it. She nags me that I have to see a doctor & get some pills to help me; but I feel it's hopeless & don't see the point of seeing anyone, which upsets her even more. Her husband of 60 years just died last month, the same day as my beatufiul husband. I helped the past year take care of him as he was slowly dying & I am so worn out. She would tell me I couldn't come over if I cried & he would ask me to please come over. It was a constant battle to try & act OK (when I am not OK) while I was there because I understood what she was going thru with her husband dying & I wanted to help him because they had both been so kind before & after Kevin died.

I don't even know why I am writing this -- everyone is fed up with me still being sad -- but I am sad & don't know how to "act OK' anymore. I've tried so hard to be understanding with them, but am starting to get angry with so many of his family & our friends telling me I "should be over his death by now" -- it just makes me hide away more & not talk or see anyone. So many people tell me "it gets better with time" but it doesn't!! I know what they say makes sense in my head -- I tell myself the same things every day; but my heart hurts so much.

I keep things the same way as when Kevin was alive -- and I know I'm doing this to try & keep him alive for me coz I need him so much. I talk with him all the time, again because I need him to be alive. Even though my head knows how crazy all this is, I can't seem to help it because it is the only way I can breathe. It is part of my craziness -- trying to keep him alive because I need him so much.

Finally, I don't know why I am writing all this -- it all seems so hopeless.

Again, I don't know why; maybe someone can shed some light even though it probably won't do any good -- his Mom tells me I'm just "wallowing in self pity" & want to be this way -- I feel like it's not a choice. I dont' know.

[KATPILOT]

Vickev,

First and most importantly, you have come to the right place to share your feelings. I so understand what it is like to be with friends and relatives who felt I was holding on and not moving forward as they had. My sister in law even would try and keep me from staying at Kathy's parents house when I would go up to Canada and visit. She said I just brought them down and was a constant reminder of the pain of loosing their daughter.

People move on at different rates as their connection to the person who has died becomes more removed. No one will or can feel what you are feeling. While this is not very comforting, you can come here to share your pain. We all understand only too well. This weekend has been a tough one for me because I am not going in to work and it is just so hot outside. I never left my house. So it creeps out and gets me still. I cried a lot yesterday and it's almost been two and a half years. Life is just difficult sometimes. I went to dinner last weekend with a friend who had lost her husband seventeen years ago. She, like me, and like you as well, found the perfect love late in life. But we all knew it was perfect, Like her, I will never marry again, I know this about myself. She still has moments when she will cry but she keeps on living. She finds purpose because she knows her husband would not want her to give up. We honor them by living on and perhaps one day doing something important to help others. We both like you wished God would just take us and end the pain. I even wanted so badly to die because I wanted to be with her. That will slowly go away even if the pain seems not to.

It truly helps to give some distance to those who can't understand your pain. It also helps to talk to a counselor as I know it helped me a lot. Grief counselors understand what you are going through.

You will also find a lot of support ideas here. I urge you to read threads posted here and I think you will find some resources that can help.

Hang in there, you are among friends,

Stephen

[mfh]

Dear Vickiv,

I read your post a couple of times and I reach out to you in your pain. It has been just over 3 years since I lost Bill, who, like you, I waited for, what seemed like a lifetime. I would have hoped that if anyone could understand that you are "still" crying and sad and lost and empty, your MIL would who lost her own spouse of 60 years just last month. But that is not the case. It seems she has her own grief to deal with and perhaps is not doing that. I am so sorry you lost Kevin. I do know the pain of losing a beloved spouse and at 3 years I grieve my loss and hardly a day goes by when tears do not fall from my eyes. I do better. I know the pain comes in waves but I AM grieving and will. I have learned to carry this grief better. I share that because it seems your MIL and others do not comprehend grief nor do they comprehend your loss. I have found I need to stay away from people who pressure me to "move on". I choose not to be with them. I suppose you could give them some articles about grief to read but my gut suspects it would not help.

So that leaves you with ONE thing to do and that is to take care of YOU. First of all I checked and see that you live where there is a Hospice and suggest you do what I did and attend their spousal loss support group if they have one and even check in with a grief counselor. I did both and it helped me so much. I suggest it not because I see you as weak or abnormal but rather because we all need support and you have been getting just the opposite from your people. I also urge you to stick with us and to read old posts from those in the spousal loss forum and you will see that what you are feeling and what you have been through is shared with most, if not all, of us. I obviously do not know you but so much of what you share are feelings I see shared here and have experienced myself. Losing a spouse turns our lives inside out and upside down...we lose far more than a spouse...we lose a lifestyle, dreams, and more.

Are you taking care of you?

You said: "I keep things the same way as when Kevin was alive -- and I know I'm doing this to try & keep him alive for me coz I need him so much. I talk with him all the time, again because I need him to be alive. Even though my head knows how crazy all this is, I can't seem to help it because it is the only way I can breathe. It is part of my craziness -- trying to keep him alive because I need him so much." I think most of us talk to our spouses/partners daily. I think we all want to be comforted by their presence and so we do things that comfort us. At 3+ years I have kept most of Bill's things (clothes in the closet, tools in the workshop) where they are because they comfort me there and I am not ready to get "rid" of them. I will...when I am ready...not one minute sooner and I do not really care what anyone thinks about my choices. I believe Bill is with me all the time as Kevin is with you. Not the way we want, of course. But if having his clothes in the closet is a comfort...leave them in the closet. Some day you may change that... Most important is you taking care of yourself and I see the greatest need for you (from where I am i.e. with only a tiny bit of information) is support. You are trying to walk through a tsunami as it is picking you up and throwing you the opposite direction. Please consider a call to Hospice and see if they have a support group and the name of a good well trained grief counselor who understands the grieving process. I also recommend that you read helpful articles to educate yourself a bout the grieving process. You will get comfort from that. Check out Marty's site www.griefhealing.com and her blog and articles there. They are solid information...and do keep coming back here where you will find a supportive, understand, non-judgmental group of people who DO understand spousal loss because we live it every minute of every day. Read old posts. Peace to your heart. Welcome to our group.Mary

[LarrysGirl]

Hello, I had to respond to your post because I've been exactly where you are. I'm glad you posted here because you will find so many similarities with the other members. In the first 2 years I didn't know what I was doing at all. Friends and family did not know what to do or say and like you, alot of them said it was time to move on, get a hold of myself, etc. Your "grief" is yours, you have to take the time to heal in your time frame. Larry died over 7 yrs. ago, almost 8, his clothes are still in the closet, his pictures are all over the house, some of his things are still in the medicine cabinet. I lost the love of my life, I took care of him many years before his died to the point of exhaustion, and when he died Everything in my life changed. Physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually. I still talk to him, always will. While I'm not a great example of how to grieve, I've had to do it on my terms.

This time is for you to rest, recuperate and slowly mend. You will find support here. Deborah

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kevin. You won't hear anyone here saying "you should move on" because we've all been through it and get it. It's inappropriate for people to tell you how you should feel or should be doing, it invalidates your feelings and your feelings are valid, this is your experience. Grief's timetable is different for everyone, there are so many factors involved that affect how we cope with our grief...the length and depth of relationship, our personal coping skills, how intertwined our lives were, and so much more. Losing a husband is one of the hardest losses there is. I hope you don't lose your home, and I hope by coming here, you can find some solace and encouragement...I know I could not have survived without this site to come to and the people here.

It is not about "getting over" your spouse...that we never do. We continue to miss them the rest of our lives. What we do learn as we go through this journey, is how to deal with the loss. It helps to have some grief counseling, and a support group, as well as this forum to come to. It all helps. I am amazed I have survived this journey, there was a time I didn't think I would or could. I know that some people don't mourn the loss of their spouse, because they weren't as close or didn't have a good marriage, but that certainly isn't the case with any of us here. To us, they were our soul mates, best friends, lover, comforter, encourager, partner. To lose all of that at once is a huge thing.

While it does take time to heal, time alone does nothing...as Marty once said, it is what we do with that time that counts, I'm sure that's true. We have all put in our grief work, which includes allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to mourn them, and yes to even give ourselves permission to smile again, even if only for a brief moment. Many of us continue on in their honor because we know that's what they would want, and one of the most important things I've learned in my own grief journey, is how to carry my George within my heart and draw from him, knowing he is inside of me and cheering me on and still loving me even when he can no longer audibly tell me. Our love is forever and goes way beyond mere death of physical form. I believe with all of my heart we will be reunited.

Sometimes when I am so tired of the struggle and so weary, I imagine him holding me...it helps.

It is okay to feel as you do, and one of the other things I learned in this journey is to stand up to people, I try to be sensitive and tactful if possible, but I have learned to state how I feel. Sometimes people can just be so inappropriate, even if they mean well.

I hope you will keep coming back here and feel free to express yourself. Their is power in expressing yourself, and as so many of us felt we lost our power when our spouse died (after all, no one asked us if this is what we wanted!), it has been therapeutic to be able to say how we feel.

Kay

[Guest babylady]

it was a year last month that my beloved john passed. we were together almost 42 years. i can't seem to move on either. i cry all the time. i get panic attacks. i'm afraid of the future. actually i can't seem to see a future for myself. i have some health problems -- nothing that will kill me (unfortunately), but i feel sick most of the time.

people keep telling me i have to move on. an old friend said "this is a new phase of your life". people say "why don't you travel"? i also get complemented on how well i handled things when john got sick. well WTF? i had to handle them.

john's clothes are gone except for the pajama bottoms and the sweat shirt he was wearing the last time he left this house. i also kept one of his shirts which he had worn. it wasn't dirty, but the sleeves were rolled up. i think he slipped it on to run out to the store. i couldn't pack his things up. my friend howie did all of that for me. howie also got john's 2 cars sold. i recently opened his medicine chest and realized i hadn't cleaned that out. had shaving cream, etc. it's weird. his closet is empty. we had separate bedrooms. he had sleep apnea and slept with a c-pap mask. he was also an early riser whereas i'm a late sleeper.

i'm all alone here -- no family -- just 2 friends -- howie and louise but louise has health problems and agaraphobia so i don't get to see her. i have friends back in NYC that i stay in touch with.

don't know what i would have done without howie. he's my massage therapist and became my best friend when john got sick, but there's only so much time he can devote to me. he has his practice and a wife (she's a sweety too).

seems like i went off on a rant again.

[mfh]

I do not think it is a matter of moving on, babylady. I think it is about dealing with the grief. One year is very soon and at one year most of us are raw. When Bill died, about 4 months after his death I participated in a spousal loss group and also individual grief counseling and also joined this forum. I tried to approach healing with everything I could. It all helps. It is now 3 years and though I grieve and have difficult days, things are easier now. I wonder if you have any support out there...grief counselor, grief support group of any kind. We can not do this journey alone...we need others to lean on, to hear us and often those family and friends around us are not the ones who are able to do that for us. I see from your profile that you live where there are Hospice services and wonder if you have checked out support groups (in person groups) or gotten a referral to a good grief counselor. HOV should be able to advise you here. I urge you to do it. If anyone should have been able to do this journey without counseling and group support, it should have been me...a therapist with 40 years experience. But Bill's death knocked me right off my feet. I never could have imagined the pain I felt. So, I reached out and got help and urge you to do that also as well as joining all of us here on a regular basis. You know from being here that people here get it and understand. I hope to see you back soon.... I wish you peace, Mary

[Guest babylady]

i had a grief counselor from hospice. there are some support groups, but all seem to be a long drive which i'm not up to doing. i have trouble sitting in certain chairs with my back problems too. i have been seeing a therapist but i think we've come to a point where it's not helping anymore.

[Wifflesnook]

I just wanted to join in to say both to Vickey and everyone that yes, we all feel the same. We will never get over the loss of our one beloved spouse and partner, but we know that it's one day at a time in coping with the unbearable, but has to be borne, loss. It's morning here and I woke to grief. It's 14 months for me, and getting towards two years since Pete had the devastating stroke. My life is diminished but I am carrying on and it's with the help of the wise words I read here every day. Jan

[kayc]

I don't think we "move on" either, even if it were possible, we wouldn't want to. But we do have to "continue" and they would want us to. Until the day we can be reunited!

[vickev2006]

thank you all for listening & sharing -- I haven't returned until now coz I'm wore out -- weary in my soul, so hopeless -- you're all so kind & I have nothing to contribute but my pain -- I feel like such a burden -- I'm here again because once again everything has piled on top of me & I'm ready to let it all just bury me -- this forum is my last resort -- if I can just make it thru the next 5 minutes, then maybe I can make it thru the next hour -- please bear with me -- if I don't get some of this out, I'm going to explode -- Kevin's lawn mower broke -- OK, I ordered the part & my grandson & neighbor friend helped me fix it -- after using it once, it broke down again -- OK, I'll deal with it later -- let the grass get too long -- Kevin always kept backyard lawn & garden beautiful -- he told me it would be a lot of work -- overwhelmed, gave up -- can't keep up with all the garden trimming -- roses looking bad, lemon tree overgrown, weeds everywhere -- used the weed wacker to "mow" the backyard -- found dirt tubes under the long grass -- my son thinks it's termites -- oh well, have no money so hope the ants will eat them, quit trying to battle the ants -- trying to keep an eye out that the termites don't reach the house -- researched natural remedies online, none look promising -- my neighbor friends miraculously show up several times & mow the lawn -- afraid to mention the termites -- the sprinklers sprung a leak so the water pressure is to low to water the entire lawn -- OK, I water with the hose what the sprinklers don't reach, have to water all the flowers by hand anyway -- the washing machine broke down & I'm broke -- OK, I use my son's washer since I'm there 3 days a week picking up/dropping off my 2 grandboys -- I usually wear the same clothes 2 or 3 times anyway, so not much laundry -- wow, my neighbor friend finds me a free used washer -- the garage door opener breaks -- OK, I can lift the door manually -- have to ask a neighbor friend to show me how to lock it manually -- thingamajig in the toilet broke & water bill skyrockets -- OK, find new one in Kevin's "everything you could possibly need" garage & grandson installs -- kitchen sink backs up -- OK, have to ask for help -- neighbor friend unclogs sink -- oil leak in Kevin's truck getting worse -- lots of oil in driveway -- no money, OK, try to remember to check & add oil every so often -- can't pay bills this month -- OK, sell diamond engagement ring Kevin picked out & surprised me with, cry, cry, cry -- OK, it's only a ring -- looks like I'm going to keep living so have to figure out a way to pay the bills until I can be with Kevin -- Kevin's mom asks me once again how I am & then gets upset that I'm not OK -- asks if I need money coz I just have to ask & be grateful -- cry, cry, cry -- and again she's upset & seems angry -- she doesn't understand why I can't ask her for help -- I can't find a way to tell her that I can't ask her for money coz she always says "I don't want to enable you" & "I can't keep helping you" and tells me what I need to do -- I don't feel she's sincere about helping & seems resentful -- she can't handle my crying -- she's determined to get on with life after her husband died in May -- I say that's good -- says she's not going to be like me -- I say I don't want her to be miserable like me -- says she can't have an honest relationship with me -- cry, cry, want to die -- still alive, want to live in OUR home, feel Kevin all around here -- OK, found some contract work in Scottsdale office even after I cried at the interview -- hope I can keep it together & make sense -- tires on the truck going bad -- OK, pray the tires hold on long enough to make some extra money -- long drives to Scottsdale to work -- freeway is a parking lot -- OK, drive really slow to avoid accidents -- try taking side roads -- man gets out of car & screams at me for not yielding -- OK, hope he doesn't shoot me (or does) -- OK, feel the man's pain -- what must he be dealing with to be so stressed? see so many stressed out people driving -- feel their pain -- cry driving to work -- look at sky and pray God will take me to heaven with Kevin -- got thru workday -- don't think about how I'm going to make it thru the next workday -- free washing machine breaks -- OK, Home Depot gives me credit & has sale on basic washer, working more now so will tweak the budget to squeeze out monthly payments -- oh no, November -- spiral down, down, down -- anniversay of first date with Kevin, our wedding anniversary -- going down, down, down -- Christmas around the corner -- neighbors all decorating -- Kevin always had more lights than anyone -- don't feel like celebrating -- grandsons decorate with lots of lights -- receive surprise check from Kevin's mom for Christmas -- wow -- can get grandsons presents & helps with bills this month -- call Kevin's mom with tearful gratitude -- she tells me not to get emotional & reminds me I haven't been out to see her -- she says terrible, hurtful things & when I'm honest with her she gets upset & mean -- why would she want to see me -- but again, I can't tell her that coz I don't want to hurt her -- but she's upset anyway -- withdraw & isolate -- friends leave phone messages & emails -- can't return any of them -- maybe tomorrow -- too many now, they've piled up, frozen with the emotional drain returning calls & emails would bring -- receive Christmas cards, stack in pile unopened -- can't handle emotional drain -- not another New Year without Kevin -- neighbors gathering & want me -- gratefully decline -- don't want to celebrate -- can't even think about another year without Kevin -- hide in house while neighbors outside @ midnight -- finally fall asleep at 5am -- Kevin's mom calls with "Happy New Year" -- I can't say it back -- wants to get together for lunch -- I'm noncommittal -- sorting & getting rid of boxes of my old papers before I met Kevin -- sorting & geting rid of boxes of Kevin's old papers before he met me -- don't want my son to have to deal with all this -- I still have some of my Mom's stuff that I haven't been able to get rid of since she died in 2007 -- haven't been outside for several days -- step out the front door to pick up grandboys -- small puddle in the yard -- maybe a water leak in the pipe underground -- $$$$$ -- denial -- hope wild animal came up out of wash & peed the puddle -- small note to brain to keep eye on puddle when able to figure out without breaking down -- too much, weighing me down -- Kevin would know who to call -- Kevin I need you my love -- the struggle is just to hard without you -- I've tried, I'm tired, I don't know how to go on without you, I don't want to go on without you -- this morning the puddle is now bubbling up from underground -- call City to find out who to call to get fixed -- they don't know since pipe repair is me not them -- I don't know how to get help -- neighbor friends all at work -- don't know how critical leak is -- feel helpless -- cry, cry -- remember Kevin's realtor friend said I can call anytime & meant it -- I explain tearfully & he refers trusted plumber -- leave message & wait for call back -- unknown cost is freaking me out -- I've dealt with all the breakdowns the best I can -- don't know how I've hung on -- I feel so stupid -- what is wrong with me -- I must be so broken -- don't think I'm going to make it thru the next few minutes -- log on to forum -- thank you for listening to me -- all this seems so trivial considering what you all are going through -- reading your comments make me feel safe sharing this here -- the panic has subsided somewhat -- so many of you help & I feel I just add to your troubles -- God bless you

[feralfae]

Dear Vickiv,

I am glad you came here to pour out some of your pain, grief and frustrations. Always come here. We are here to help each other, and you are always welcome here. This is a good place to pour out your pain and frustration, and know that it will be honored and your feelings will be understood by so many of us on the same journey. I lost Doug almost two years ago, and some days are better, but sometimes, the days are pretty tough. I remember being some of the places you are right now. It is not easy. Not at all.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. None of it is easy, and the pain this early on must be almost unbearable. But as I read your journaling, I could feel you trying to make plans, finding ways, going the extra yard, and extending the kind word, even when you have so little energy that you just want to collapse in a heap.

I don't know how you are doing it all, but you are making it one day at a time, doing what you can each day, and you are still here with us.

And we ARE listening. Please come back more often, share with us, let us give you our love and compassion, and even if we do not know how to fix things very well either, we are all here to share with you and hold you in our hearts and lift you up through these very hard days. One day at a time, we are all making it together. I am glad you are back here with us, and we are all listening and want to support you through this time.

I have just ordered two new faucets for our house. The bathroom faucet has been broken for about a month, so I am very proud that I have found a replacement faucet and the instructions for installing it.

You are finding a way, and you are doing what you can each day. You have great courage and determination through this really tough time, and I am sending you lots of good wishes, kind thoughts, and some silly *<fairy dust>* to help you find a smile today.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all you are going through, and I understand. Your post could have been written by me. Maybe write all your problems down and look at them and decide which is the most pressing and biggest problem, make that your priority and try not to deal with all of them at once, it can feel overwhelming when we let them stack like that...take a deep breath and try to stay in the present, not take on the rest of your life, try not to pay heed to or worry about anything that hasn't happened yet. I know you didn't come here for us to "fix" things, but sometimes fresh perspectives can help, do you have a room you can rent? I understand wanting to stay in your own place, me too. And it is hard dealing with all of the things they used to deal with. My husband died 8 1/2 years ago.

I have a leaking pipe problem, one gets fixed and another one starts, I've had four of them this month! It makes you feel like the plague after a while. I also know wearing clothes more than once so you can conserve on laundry, believe me, I know all about cost cutting. And I get postcards from my sisters that just got back from their Christmas cruise. It seems some of us live in one world while others live in another...that of survival. As fae pointed out, you ARE doing it, don't forget to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for it.

I was going to ask where you are that you are watering flowers, then you mentioned Scottsdale. Some of us shovel snow while others water flowers, it seems funny we're in such different parts here.

Do come back, any time you want, vent, cry, scream, we're here to listen and care...and we understand. And someday when this is all over you'll get to join your Kevin and I my George.

Do you belong to a church? Sometimes they have a Men's Ministry that will come to the aid of a widow. You don't say how old you are, but if you're in your 60s, sometimes you can get help from Senior Services.

If my suggestions don't work for you, at least know I care and have been through so much since the loss of my husband. I haven't cried at a job interview, but I had a bra strap fall on the floor once in one, does that count for humbling? I thought I should have gotten brownie points for nonchalantly picking it up and putting it in my briefcase. I didn't. Oh well. Life goes on.

I'm sorry Kevin's mom isn't more sensitive to you, at least she gave you $ at Christmas, that's something. The deceased' families amaze me sometimes. I haven't heard from George's except his daughter now and then.

I hope you know we are hearing you...any time you need.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Vickev

The forum is here for us to just let it all pour out. Don't feel bad about that. You are struggling without your beloved help mate and I think you are coping incredibly well just staying upright. Please continue to join us. Jan

[vickev2006]

thank you all -- it helps so much -- it just hurts so much to struggle without Kevin -- I feel your pain & hate that you have to go thru this -- you are all so very kind -- it helps so much to have a safe place to vent all this & not feel so stupid -- your encouragement & advice helps -- I'm continually amazed at the kindness of so many people, especially strangers -- but you feel like friends -- your willing to listen & take the time to share & help -- it's a little better today -- had a good talk with Kevin's sister-in-law -- she said it will get better some day -- she doesn't know the exact day -- I asked her to please figure out what day & let me know --we had a good laugh -- she was very kind & doesn't mind that I cry -- please know how much you all help

[mfh]

Dear vickev

You are part of this circle and we are here for you. I am glad you have your Kevin's sister-in-law to share pain and smiles with.

Mary

[kayc]

Vickie,

I'm very glad you have Kevin's sister-in-law to talk to, it really helps to have someone that understands. I would have gone nuts if I hadn't had this place to come to, I hope you'll continue to come back. We're here for each other and will be for you too. How can people know what it's like if they haven't been through it and aren't going through it day after day, year after year. Things like not having someone to take care of you when you're ill or injured. Not having someone to watch your dog when you're gone. Not having two incomes. No one to fix the leaking pipes. Noone to wake up with on Christmas morning. No one to enjoy the weekends with. It's the day after day, year after year stuff that gets hard. I think they'd be applauding us if they could see us, all of the decisions we have to make alone, the hard work we do, the struggle to survive...they'd be in our corner, rooting for us.