What A Weird Thing To Hit Me..... I Think I Need A Hug

[LisaAnnB]

Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them.

Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all?

I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.

[DeeU]

Your post is so poignant. It is so hard going through our parents' things with the added reality that they are not going to need them anymore. So many memories start surfacing. Be gentle with yourself. Dee (Bereavement Counselor)

[kayc]

I am so sorry...my mom has had Dementia for years but we had to take her to court to force her to go to the doctor and get diagnosed, she would not cooperate with anyone, had stopped taking her meds, and was in fact a danger to herself by the time we finally got the prognosis. They said she needed 24/7 lock down in a Dementia Care Facility. It's been very hard watching her slide the descent and what all it has meant for her. Her home was sold and possessions disbursed. It is weird to think how it comes full cycle, but right now I focus on giving her a few good moments at a time, taking her out, listening to her, patiently reassuring her as she forgets continually.

I know all too well what you are going through. I'm glad she'll be in a place where she is cared for and safe though.

(((hugs)))

[LisaAnnB]

we had her sale this weekend & it was hell! my siblings were there fighting over stuff! it's just stuff & I'm so furious at it all. one sister refuses to acknowledge how bad Mom has gotten & is in denial & is mad that we're moving her to a safe good facility & not dropping our lives to take care of her ourselves. Some were fighting in front of Mom & then got annoyed at me for telling them to take it outside since I'm the "stupid baby sister who doesn't know anything" even tho I've done research & told them that Mom hears all of it & probably knows exactly what is going on but right now can't process it or get it out-she has dementia she's not in a coma! She sees all her life going outside & on a table for strangers to take or tossed in a box. If Dad knew what was going on he'd be so upset & tell us "it's just stuff knock it off."

None of this is gong to bring Dad back or make Mom's illness go away. I want my Dad & I want to be able to go home & have Mom bake me a crustless pecan pie [my fave that she'd make me when I was upset] again. I can't hold my Dad's hand or cry on Mom's shoulder. I will no longer be able to drive up on a weekend if I'm having a really bad week & crawl back into my childhood bed to hide for a day. Instead I had to listen to my siblings fight over her dishes & instead of driving to their house & seeing Mom on the porch swing & Dad in his chair I'll see strangers there.

[kayc]

Oh LisaAnn, I am so sorry! I am afraid this is how things typically go under the circumstances. I am realizing just how fortunate I am that my siblings are all so supportive and get along so well. There are six of us, one is quadriplegic and has damaged vocal chords so isn't able to participate, one is estranged from my mom and chooses to stay out of it, and as she doesn't have computer, is unable to participate through email exchanges, but the other four of us email each other and have been closely involved since the beginning...sharing what mom does/says, sharing her doctor visits, taking her to court to have my brother made conservator (my mom wouldn't cooperate and was a danger to herself by this point). We all discussed how to handle everything and concurred. My brother and SIL visited facilities and got her on a list and we waited for the day an opening came, and were so relieved when she was no longer alone! We'd considered one of us taking her in, but her mental state was such that that was not possible or realistic, the younger ones still have to work and the older ones unable to take care of her. We are all spread out over the state so it's not like we could share her care. In the end, it all worked out. It'd be nice if your family could talk to a professional that could mediate and help with addressing the different concerns and opinions in a respectful way.

You are so right, it is all "only stuff" but the person this is the hardest on is your mom, and THAT'S where everyone's focus should be right now. Not who gets grandma's silver set, but your mom's feelings as she undoutedly feels scared and confused about her increasing lack of brain function, her loss of her life/memories that a lot of the "stuff" represents.

While you are going through all of this, it will be up to you to take extra special care of yourself and treat yourself with understanding and consideration. Try not to second guess yourself or go to the "should have/would haves" as many of us tend to do. You're making the best decision for your mom and it is in her best interest. I know you mourn the loss of "what was", that is part of this difficult journey. I know it has taken it's toll on my health as it is a very stressful thing to go through...and it's not only your mom going through it, but all of you. I felt it got better once my mom was placed and safe and had adjusted to her new surroundings...the anticipation of all of that was very hard. Now it's just seeing her through the many losses of memories and her feelings.

[MartyT]

LisaAnn, I am sorry, too ~ and I agree with Kay's suggestion, It'd be nice if your family could talk to a professional that could mediate and help with addressing the different concerns and opinions in a respectful way.

An eldercare specialist is someone who can guide you in assessing and meeting your mother's needs as well as your own needs for support. A Geriatric Social Worker is a specialist who can offer experienced support and advice on how to deal with your mother's situation, help you to feel less helpless and alone, and assist you in exploring whatever services are available to you that you might not know about already. You can find a geriatric social worker by contacting your Local Agency On Aging (AAA), or you can ask your family physician, hospital, senior center, social service agency or religious community to suggest a geriatric social worker they have worked with in the past.

You'll find this and several other helpful suggestions in this article: Caregiving After a Stroke: Suggested Resources (The information here applies to caregiving for dementia as well as for stroke.)

[Guest babylady]

my parents divorced when i was 14. my dad and i was estranged for 28 years. he passed in '04 and i took it badly. always thought there would be a reconciliation. my mom moved to phoenix to be near me in early '03. she had always lived near my sister in SC, but they had a "falling out". a few years later mom developed dementia. i let her live on her own as long as i could but she was having auditory hallucinations and started going around the senior complex where she lived telling people that neighbors were going to kill her. finally had to move her into assisted living in 10/08. she passed in early december 08. she always said she wanted to die and i never told her not to say that. i would just say "i understand". she was broken hearted about my sister.

last year i lost my husband of almost 42 years to a brain tumor. he was great with my mom and she loved him. both my 2 sisters and i had multiple marriages and he was the only one she never had anything bad to say about.

i feel very alone. my mom and i were very close until the dementia. for a while she didn't recognize me, but the last time i saw her she did. maybe she knew it would be the last time.

mom didn't have anything of value so we gave everything to charity -- furniture, clothing, dishes, etc. the only thing i kept were her pictures and a few pieces of her jewelry which i'm going to send to my niece once i stop procrastinating.

[kayc]

Arlene,

My mom loved my husband George, just as your mom did your husband, and he was great at dealing with her...no easy feat! Now she doesn't even remember him, that is so sad.

LisaAnn,

How has it been going since the day you were all together?

[LisaAnnB]

KayC: I left Saturday night & came home & got away from it all. Hitler & a couple others left Sunday to go home as well. Spoke with the good sister that's still there & she says Mom is a bit calmer but is having some possible nasty side affects either from her new meds or something else. She went in for a CT scan yesterday & it'll be a few days before the results come in. Friday to find out some of Mom's awareness I asked her if she remembered what happened to Dad & how she feels. "Oh yes, I"m a widow and a brotherless orphan now you know. None of the boys I counted on are alive anymore." 3 months after Dad passed away Mom's last brother passed away.

I have decided that since another good sister is coming up for a few weeks to get Mom moved & settled that I'm going to put up some boundaries, not talk to ANY of them unless necessary & allow my husband to take me on the vacation he's been trying to get me to go on since October. I just need to get away from it all & away from these memories that are so close to the surface now and cause flare ups of grief. I just want one week of forgetful happiness if that makes sense.

[kayc]

One of the things I've learned about going through all of this is to listen to my own inner self, my needs, what I can handle, boundaries, etc. It sounds like you are doing that. In my case, it's not hard being around my siblings, but my mom, as she has always had mental illness...the Dementia is just the latest thing on top of that.

If I can only handle seeing my mom for an hour, that's all I do. How often I go depend on what I can personally handle without it dragging me down too much. I care about her and want to help her through these last years of her life, I realize that mental illness is something that happens to someone, not necessarily that she asked for or caused it, although I don't think she's done anything to help it. But I can't judge her, and I honor her for being my mom, if nothing else, whether a good or bad one is neither here nor there at this point, the past is history.

You have these same things to ponder and figure out about your siblings. In all of this, try to remember that no one is at their very best when grieving or going through extreme stress...and your whole family is going through just that right now. Try to be soft with your judgment of them...that is sometimes easier when you've had a little time away to heal. Perhaps a vacation is just the ticket for you right now. And do consider Marty's suggestions to get professional help for the family in dealing with this situation, you're all over taxed and it's hard. Don't lose sight of good memories, not only with your parents, but your siblings. Try to hang on to the love you have for each other, even while adhering to boundaries you need for your own mental health and well being.

Good luck to you and I hope you have a great vacation, thank God for your husband!