Tears For The First Time

[Mary1063]

Thursday will be three months since my big brother passed away. And last night I found myself crying... Really crying... For the first time. Maybe because I can breathe a little easier now that Shan is more out of the woods. I've always been a caretaker. I've always put everyone I love before myself. I did that for both of my big brothers when they were alive. And I'm doing it for Shan. I couldn't save my big brothers, just as I couldn't save our father. And all from the same long fought inherited chain of illnesses. Most of which I too possess, as well as our "baby" sister.

I cried for a good couple of hours last night. My husband tried to console me, but either I just wouldn't allow it, or he was doing it wrong. I don't know really. All I know is that Leo was my big brother and I'm having much more of a hard time with his loss than when Ziggy, his twin bro, died nine yrs ago with the same issues. They were both my big brothers and meant the world to me. However, Leo's passing is hitting me harder.

[enna]

Oh Mary, it is time for you to cry. I cry right with you. The relief you must be feeling. Please keep taking care of you. How is your ankle? We are finally getting some long needed rain here in the valley and all my bones ache! I must be getting old! I am so glad that Shannon is doing better. She will have a long way to go but she is on her way. Give her a special hug from me and take one for yourself. Anne

[MartyT]

Mary, my dear, I think your post contains the explanation for your tears: Now that Shannon is "more out of the woods" you can "breathe a little easier." I cannot imagine the enormous energy it has taken to keep your own emotions in check as you've worked so hard to be present (in every way imaginable) for your brothers and for Shannon. Now that it feels as if things are looking up, you've let your guard down, even if you're not wholly conscious of doing so ~ and I am not at all surprised to learn that you "fell apart" for a couple of hours and let it out by crying. The fact that your husband couldn't console you is not surprising either. When you're in a state like that, your body takes over and does what it needs to do. I think you really, really needed to let go of some of the pain and sorrow you've been holding in for so, so long, and on some level you knew it was best not to let anything or anyone interfere with that. So you let the tears come. Good for you. Maybe you need to allow that to happen more often. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself the time and space to "fall apart," because now you know (from your own experience) that ~ wonder of wonders ~ the world doesn't stop, you don't really fall apart, the crying ends eventually, and you can dry your eyes, blow your nose and go on. You might think about actually setting aside some time just for yourself each day ~ I call it your crying time ~ when you allow yourself to give in completely to your grief and feel whatever you need to feel, including feeling sorry for yourself. Doing this gives you some sense of control, because you can pick the time of day and you can decide how long it will last. You simply tell yourself that during this time you will go to your own private space and time, you'll let go, and you'll allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. You can schedule this at the same time every day, and you may find yourself looking forward to that time. And Mary, it goes without saying that, if you find that this is not enough for you, then please do consider finding an in-person grief support group or schedule some time with a grief counselor. It's time to attend to your own needs now, and for your own sake, I hope you'll find a way to do that. ♥

[kayc]

Mary,

It is not surprising to me that you are just now allowing yourself to cry. As a caretaker, you have "held it together" for everyone for so long, and now that Shannon seems to be doing better, you're finally allowing yourself to address your loss and cry. There is nothing wrong with crying and you need to allow yourself to, it's the release valve on the pressure cooker. It's cleansing and good to cry, just as it's important to voice yourself and value your feelings.

I doubt your husband was "doing it wrong", but rather that you needed to cry. It's good that you have him by your side, caring about you. All of his love cannot alleviate your grief, but it is a valuable support as you go through your grief journey.

I never had an older brother, always wanted one, but if I lost one of my sisters, I would be inconsolable, it's very understandable.

[ShanN]

I love you Mary. To the moon stars and beyond. I wish I had the courage nd strength that you have. I just love you.

[Mary1063]

Oh sis, I LOVE YOU more baby girl!!

[MartyT]

You two are way too precious for words ~ How blessed you are to have each other. And we get to have both of you!

[Mary1063]

Awe, thank you Marty. For your support.

[Mary1063]

Leo and Ziggy were almost three years older than me.

This is Leo in 2010 and myself that same summer. He looked so well then. People say we looked so much alike. These are the pics I have found that look most similar. I miss my big brother.

We really didn't have many pics taken together sadly. I regret that very much.

[kayc]

Yes the resemblance is uncanny! I have a brother I don't think I've ever had my picture taken with, not since he was a baby.