Denial Or Suppression Or What?

[Wifflesnook]

SUPPRESSION OF GRIEF?

I am struggling, as I have been since my beloved Pete died 16 months ago with what I thought was denial of his death but now think may be suppression of grief. It reminded me of the denial of the stroke which Pete had. There is a medical term for this but I can't find it, but basically a victim of a right-side stroke, which paralyses the left side of the body also affects the way the person perceives themselves, and Pete always denied that he had lost movement. He thought he could move his arm and leg even though he patently couldn't. I feel a bit like this about him being dead. I deny it, I can't even think about his death certificate, let alone touch it.

But mostly I live every day at a very sad but not acute level of loss because whenever I think about him and how everything is pointless without him or when I remember our wonderful life of fifty years I just suppress my feelings and listen to something, or do something. How this can be I cannot imagine but it is how I cope.

Because Pete was my life I find this really really strange. I feel I should be different. I feel that I should be feeling his loss at a very very deep level, because the loss is so utterly huge. It feels wrong to me. But I know it is suppressed because a few days ago it emerged. Pete had a long term pen friend (six years) that he met on the Internet through a joint interest in poetry. At that time she lives in East Africa but she now lives in the States. In 2011, a few months before Pete had the stroke we went to meet her and had a lovely holiday with her. We said she must come to England as soon as she could get the necessary papers. Then Pete was struck down by the stroke and he died six months later. But I said I wanted her to still come. So recently she has been trying to get a visa. She found she had got one last week and it was sudden. I thought I was going to have to meet her very soon. I cried and cried and cried in a way I haven't done for months. I realised how very far from ready I was for this because it meant I had to acknowledge Pete's death in a way I hadn't before. I know this may seem strange after so long but I also realised how deep my feelings were buried. She won't be coming imminently now as she has missed her holiday, but she will come. And I want her to come. I had thought that this was a good opportunity to talk about Pete with someone who also loved him, albeit in a different way. But now I fear it. I think my buried or suppressed feelings need to be released in a different way, but I'm not sure how. I know you have all suffered from these things, but when you speak so eloquently about your grief I don't get a sense that you are suppressing your feelings as I so clearly am.

I did see a grief counsellor for six months. He was good but seemed to think I was coping well and so signed me off. I do appear to be coping well. This is the problem. I appear to be ok but deep down I'm not. I would think a grief retreat would help but I have searched and there are none in England anywhere near me. I am sure that an ordinary retreat wouldn't help because the other people on it wouldn't be in the same place as me. I know I would break down utterly and would need people there who were feeling the same way.

I've found enormous help from this forum, and now I'm reaching out in the hope that you might come up with some ideas. I meditate most days, but although this is obviously a good thing I don't think it is helping with this suppression. I just don't know what will help me to let these feelings out safely. What I mean by safely I don't really know! I do know that I am terrified of the emotion that lies just below the surface. Like many or most of you I've had in my beloved Pete a supportive partner who has helped me through many difficult times. When I've been sad or tearful he has always been there. Ive never been alone with grief like this. I fear letting go without him there. And I know full well that you have all had to do this. We are all ultimately alone with our loss. I know this.

I apologise for the length of this post. I won't expect any quick responses but would be so grateful for any help.

Jan

[mfh]

Dear Jan, I do think you and I talked a long time ago about your suppression as opposed to denial. And I do agree with you based on what you have shared here and in emails. I am glad you feel somewhat ready to deal with this pain.

You said: "...whenever I think about him and how everything is pointless without him or when I remember our wonderful life of fifty years I just suppress my feelings and listen to something, or do something." I wonder if you feel you have a choice about distracting yourself? You do it but do you feel you could NOT do that...that you could allow yourself maybe 5 minutes to feel the pain, gradually increasing the time. You WILL stop crying. I have never seen a client unable to stop crying. I did have a client years ago who cried through 6 sessions...that was all she did basically and then she stopped and started to talk about what was buried beneath those tears. It is ok to cry and cry and cry...I think it is cleansing and healing to cry. What think thee?

Mary

[marsha]

Jan - from my vast vantage point of 5 plus years out (yes, I'm being sarcastic) - please, don't label your feelings. Your feelings are uniquely yours, as mine are uniquely mine. Honestly, 16 months is not so long, especially when you think of the 50 years that preceded it. For the first years, if I thought anywhere past a week in terms of "the future", I'd break out in a cold sweat. I'm not kidding. I had a routine going, and Lord forbid if anything changed it. I had to have some control over something, you know? No one wants to feel this. It's scary. We cope the way our guts tell us to cope. Yes, question yourself, but don't beat yourself up over it. Take care, Marsha

[Wifflesnook]

Mary, I think maybe I could do that. You mean that when I feel the thought, instead of suppressing it immediately I just let it stay and hurt for a little while? Yes, I wonder if I could try that? I know that the way I'm doing it now feels the wrong way. Thanks. I'm going to think about that.

[Wifflesnook]

Marsha, I think you understand me. Yes I do analyse. I want to just feel, but I'm terrified that I will lose control. Thanks. Just a little at a time maybe, as Mary suggests.

[mfh]

Yes, Jan...just let the feeling be there....follow it. Not sure what you mean by lose control. If you mean wail...or sob deeply...that is probably the best thing you could do...you have to listen to YOUR voice, however, not mine. But that is something you could do.

[kayc]

I think that's a good idea. I suppressed feeling my grief to some extent for a while because, frankly, it is quite uncomfortable, but found it still waiting for me and I've learned in the years since to just let it come, let it be. Allow yourself to feel what you can handle and then let it go.

[enna]

Dear Jan,

These are just my thoughts and not meant to say this is how you're thinking.

Your topic reminded me of an iceberg, Jan. What we see on the top is what’s in our conscious minds and what we don’t see of the iceberg is what’s going on with our unconscious minds. I think I have a picture of it somewhere and I’ll post it if I can find it.

To me, it’s like going back to the study of psychology 101 and reading about Freud -

I think that both denial and suppression are defense components in our lives –

I think you know that Pete is dead so in that sense you aren’t in denial. However, you don’t want to think about it so you might be repressing your awareness of the fact. You actively avoid things like death certificates because that would mean you’d have to consciously think about what you really do know and that is - Pete is dead. He is not going to be with you as he had been for fifty years. You want to see this friend of Pete’s yet if you allow yourself to meet with her the pain of sharing your Pete with another woman might just be too much for you to handle right now. Even though the love is/was on different levels. You may never want to meet her and there would be nothing wrong with that.

Remember, dear Jan. We all find that we have to take this pain of losing our loved ones in doses. If we didn’t we’d all be running around overwhelmed and out of our minds!

I think that these defense components can be both positive as well as negative. It is a way that we cope with trauma. Take in what you can and come back later and take in a little more. We all have time. This journey is not going to be over, but it can be manageable. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Thanks Kay, Marsha, Mary. Wise words and I looked back at some of your posts Marsha and there were more wise words there. I suppose I don't like the fact that I can suppress the pain. I want it to take over but instead I am able to stop it. That feels wrong. I do know that tears can be healing. But I still feel I would never stop. Heck if only instead of being a virtual community we could meet and hug and cry together. I would let go then, I know I would.

[Wifflesnook]

Just read your post Anne. Yes, the iceberg gets it just right. And yes, in doses. Yes I can't do more than that and I'm taking it in doses every day. They are shallow doses but maybe that is the only way I can take them. But I will try to go just a bit deeper when I can. And yes Anne, I am defending myself because I know I am so vulnerable and I suppose it's possible to operate on several levels at once. I did take a new step today by visiting Pete's home town with my friend Sandra. Pete lived there from age four until he went to university, his mother and father lived there until they died, Pete and I went very often, up until his stroke, as its a lovely little market town called Beverley, and we loved it. I did local history classes there for years, wrote a book about its history in the Victorian period. And today, for the first time for almost two years I managed to go. Sandra and I went in the famous minster and lit candles, me for Pete and she for her partner killed in a motor cycle accident 17 years ago. This was a dose of grief but one I managed to swallow, and I feel it was a step on the way. Thank you for hearing me.

[mfh]

Jan, what do you think would happen if you allowed yourself to really feel your loss? What would it look like? Imagine a cave in front of you the cave of your grief....there is a sign over the opening, what does it say? Once you go into that cave, you have a small flashlight to shine on the walls and floors...highlighting what is in the cave. What do you see in there? How does it feel in there?

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I am so very glad to read that you went on the visit to Beverley and lit the candles. I'm also glad you had someone with you who could not only mirror, but share, your grief. I think you have been needing that LOT from a peer.

I am finding just now that the absolute, irrevocable, total absence of Doug is a fact for the rest of my life. It has been 19 months. That body is gone. It is not ever coming back. As I went for one of my strolls today through our very drought-stricken forest, I was deeply touched and made aware of all our shared projects in the forest, and more deeply and painfully aware that Doug was not going to make any more balance logs, benches, bird homes, or decorative rock walls. He was not going to mow the forest against wild fires come autumn. For me, this is a whole new sort of pain than the pain of being in the fog. Now, I am feeling a lot more keenly, and I am also able to process on an intellectual level beyond the simple acknowledgement of the amputation and resulting torture.

Now, the pain is lessening, my heart is not such a gaping wound, but I am still getting wave upon wave of deep sadness for Doug's embodiment being gone. I am trying to say this in a way that conveys that I think Doug's spirit is still present with me. It is the fleeting markers of his physical presence that are almost gone, covered over with newer memories, or else the old memories softened with gratitude and smiles now, and I am mourning the loss of those markers of Doug, as he was, even as I feel my own sense of Doug shifting from "out there" to almost entirely "in here". I am remembering him now a lot of times as the dear man with the twinkling eyes and wonderful smile who loved me and let me love him. Whose spirit left that body but is will with me.

I wish we could gather around you and hug you. Just in case you are thinking of manifesting that, it is a lot easier for one Jan to come to the USA than several of us to visit GB. You could come here for a retreat, take a road or air tour, get lots of long hugs, and then go to another retreat. It would be a time just for you. Only for you. For you to be with yourself, not surrounded by so much that reminds you of Pete. (I know widows who have done this and found it very helpful. Not the tour of USA, but one to Florence, another to Paris, just alone, being their own precious company.)

Jan, I am so very happy you did something to honor your grief today, and that it was a good day for you. Mary has given you some good advice. Of course. Mary, I hope you are resting your eyes enough.

Jan, I am sending lots of hugs to you as I stand with you here around our photon fire. I think as long as you can keep sharing and expressing, as long as you stay in touch with yourself as I think that you are doing so well, things are going to be just fine.

We are going to be just fine. {{{hugs}}}

I am beginning to know that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Mary, you are remarkably wise.

Thank you for sharing your presence and wisdom with us.

I hope your eyes are feeling much better.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

The sign says LOSS. but when I shine a light I see lovely memories in the walls and Pete smiling at me, Mary. I followed what you said and the cave was a terrifying place outside but inside it was full of love. That was my immediate response. A good one. Is that what you thought it might be?

[feralfae]

Oh, Jan, that is so very beautiful. How wonderful to look into the darkness and find LOVE. That really is all that is there, isn't it?

You have such a beautiful heart, dear Jan.

Thank you for your courage to take a look, and I am so happy what you saw was LOVE.

I am honored to be here with you, Jan.

*<twinkles>*

fae

PS. Mary, you are wonderfully wise.

[enna]

Wow! I was going to clear off my desk right now and then I saw your post, Bill's Mary.

"Jan, what do you think would happen if you allowed yourself to really feel your loss? What would it look like? Imagine a cave in front of you the cave of your grief....there is a sign over the opening, what does it say? Once you go into that cave, you have a small flashlight to shine on the walls and floors...highlighting what is in the cave. What do you see in there? How does it feel in there?"

I like this idea and I want to take it and see where I go with it. Now that I am somewhat out of the 'fog' we all go through I'd like to spend some time in the cave. I wonder if it will be like the hole I find myself in on occasion! When I go into my hole it is not a depressing place but it is a sacred place - a place that I can do some thinking without any distractions. More on this later. Thank you, Mary. Like Fae said, I for one am glad you are back - but, don't forget Marty's warning - be here if it is for you as you take care of those precious eyes - or something like that.

See what you started, Jan.

[Wifflesnook]

I wrote a long post to you Fae, just now about our field and pond, but lost it grrrr. It's late here and so I will try again tomorrow because I'd like to tell you about it as its all about our beloved's unfinished projects. But I think Mary's imagery helped me to delve a bit further I to my grief, which obviously also contains gratitude for Pete and I will sleep on that. Yes, Mary is wonderfully wise.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, your wisdom, your ability to express it so clearly, and your willingness to share it with one another, is astounding to me. I have this picture of all of you acting as midwives to the grieving. Truly you are my teachers, and you've made this special place an amazing source of learning and personal growth for me. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you . . . ♥

[mfh]

Jan, I truly did not know what you would find inside. I do believe that love and memories is exactly what we find inside our grief and that is both the joy and the pain of it all. Perhaps looking at some of those images of memories on the walls of your cave will help you to sob in sadness and hang on to gratitude. I would not try to force grief....perhaps just opening yourself to it as you have done often...look at the images in the cave, perhaps write about them, write a letter to Pete....all of these can release the tears you want to sob but fear. I think grief not owned or expressed is more frightening than grief expressed because it sort of eats away at us and waits for us to deal with it..now or many years from now. Perhaps picking up the Death Certificate. I had Bill's in my hands today...as I sorted my desk pile...I do not know why it was there as everything else legal is filed. You know that expressing your grief is no more difficult than stuffing it down...I do understand that no one wants to wail or sob or feel the gut wrenching pain but I hear you saying you really do want to do this...just a bit at a time...every day perhaps 2 or 3 times a day. I hold you in my heart, Mary

[enna]

If not for you, dear Marty, we would not be here. Thank you. We are all grateful.

[mfh]

Dear ones, your wisdom, your ability to express it so clearly, and your willingness to share it with one another, is astounding to me. I have this picture of all of you acting as midwives to the grieving. Truly you are my teachers, and you've made this special place an amazing source of learning and personal growth for me. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you . . . ♥

...and you have provided the site, the modeling, the freedom for each person here to be who they are, the compassion, skill and wisdom...and everyone here is grateful. As the captain....so the ship. With gratitude, Mary

[feralfae]

Yes, Marty, we are all most grateful to you.

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

It helps having so many smart, educated, in-tune people on here.

[feralfae]

There is a new person, over on Transformations, I think she is still there. She needs us.

fae

[feralfae]

Yes, Kay, if certainly does. It is a blessing to have you here.

*<twinkles>*

fae