It's Over And I'm Anguished

[kayc]

It IS hard. I've heard it said that time alone doesn't help, that it's what we do with it...while I'm sure that's true, time seemed to help me as well...it takes time to process it all, to take it in...in the beginning there is no making sense of anything...it took me much time to accept that this is what "is" and this is my life now.

How are you doing with your husband in all of this? It's common to shut people out when you are grieving, I hope that the two of you can go through this together.

[Mary1063]

Butch is getting frustrated with me. I can't help it if I really can't eat. I'm trying. I can't help it if I'm sleeping so little. I'm trying. I can't help it if I'm not in good spirits. How can I be?

Yes, he is my best friend and my love. But Ziggy, Leo, and Shan were my best friends... Unlike any other.

[kayc]

That's understandable. Tell him that so he doesn't feel shut out. It's easy to personalize when you can't comprehend what the other is going through. Grief can be a very deep place. You have three to grieve, and that's a lot of emotion and emptiness. (((hugs)))

[MartyT]

I sincerely hope that when you are ready, Mary, you will consider seeking the support of a professional grief counselor. To expect that you can carry all this pain by yourself is neither realistic nor necessary. And given the magnitude of these consecutive losses, offering you the level of support you need and deserve right now may be more than your husband is able to give to you. This is way too big for both of you to bear alone. ♥

[mfh]

Mary, I couldn't agree more with Marty. You have experienced so much loss and getting the good support, face to face support, of a good grief counselor (in addition to being here) could really help you when the time is right. I joined a Hospice support group after Bill died and also did many one-on-one sessions with the grief counselor who led the group (a Hospice person). Indirectly it will help Butch and your marriage also. Those closest to us frequently feel at a loss as to how to help and just want us to be happy but lack the tools to "fix us" (since we can't be fixed) when we just need to grieve. Sometimes irritation flows from helplessness. Do give some serious thought to getting the assistance of a good grief counselor...perhaps call a local Hospice for guidance. We are here for you and having more face to face help also is more than merited in this situation.

Mary

[kayc]

I agree, I suggested it before and still think it might be a good idea. They can help you make sense of your emotions and feelings and help bring you direction in this grief journey. It can also be helpful in your marriage, a real concern when you are going through so much.

[enna]

Hello Mary,

I do not have words to comfort you but I just want you to know that I sit with you as you grieve your Ziggy, Leo and Shannon. As it has been suggested, a grief counselor will be able to guide you on this journey. So many losses in such a short time has to leave you numb and as much as Butch loves you and you love him he cannot begin to understand the deep sorrow that is in your heart right now. Grief counselors have the tools to guide you in your grief. They know the questions to ask you, they know how to just be with you as you talk. They know how to reassure you that all you are going through is ‘normal’ and that you will come through this. Encouragement is a great healer.

I did not think I would ever come to terms with my Jim’s death but over the months I saw that I did have the strength to start my ‘new’ life with Jim always in my heart. He is never away from me. Slowly you will come to that place but right now you have to have the professional help around you. We are here and as Marty said to me over a year ago, “we will not let you do this alone” and I have not been alone, dear Mary, and neither will you. I hold your hand and sit with you. Anne

[kayc]

Anne, it seems to me your words ARE a comfort.

Mary, I was almost berserk with grief when my George died, the one who truly loved me, I did not see how I could do without him. This site made such a difference to me, knowing I was not alone, sharing in my grief, and somehow I have lived through it. I will always miss him, and look forward to being reunited with him someday, in a place where our bodies will not let us down.

[Mary1063]

Thank you all so much.

I actually saw my therapist that I've had for ten yrs now, but the last few yrs it has only been on a need basis. It will be regularly now.

I am also in touch with Shannon's blessed therapist just chatting with her because Shannon never got to grieve for Leo. That feels so strange. But on the other hand, thy are together for eternity now. It is just hard because I wish she were here to share in my grief for my brother.

Little Man won't leave my side. He go crazy when I leave. Until I return. We have had to keep him gated in the kitchen because he tinkles on the carpet from distress. He does not have that issue if Butch or anyone else leaves. Just myself.

[kayc]

Poor Little Man is probably having some separation anxiety, he has picked you as his owner, and he also is probably picking up on your emotions.

I'm relieved you're able to talk to someone about your grief. It is really unusual to lose the widow as well, your situation is doubly...or triply...hard.

Please stay in touch when you can.

And how are your foot & toes?

[Mary1063]

Yes, Little Man is feeling our loss. He was supposed to be Shan's when she was to come home. I have talked to him about her. Maybe he knows.

I see my orthopedic surgeon tomorrow morning to get my ankle checked but that's feeling better. Also my toes... I'm very concerned for one of them. The swelling and bruising is pretty much gone, however the pain is more severe.

We are going to dinner with Shannon's brother tonight. He is flying back to CA tomorrow to get back to his family. He and his wife, their two little ones and his new college boy and his 15 yr old daughter will be coming out in April for Shannon's birthday and her and Leo's wedding anniversary and we will have a memorial for Leo and Shannon probably on the 19th the day after her birthday and the day before their anniversary.

[kayc]

I think it will be nice to have it at such a memorable time.

I hope your toes do okay too, I remember how much it hurts, I broke two of mine at once one time...I stubbed them on a suitcase that usually wasn't there.

[mfh]

Mary, I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and also chatting with Shannon's therapist, who it seemed was really there for her through so much. As for your pup, when Bill (my husband) died, our dog regressed and clung to me. At age 6 then (he will be 9 on Oct. 4) started doing puppy stuff including eating a $5 bill I dropped on the floor (grabbed and ran), paper from the waste basket, and a BIC razor that cost me $2,000 to remove (surgery, x-rays, endoscopic attempts, etc.). He also did not suddenly like to obey me. So I took him to obedience classes and paid a lot of attention to him. You may have to do some of this also. Our pups are kids.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

My dog, Lucky, acted up when George died...and this was a dog that was completely trained and would never think of doing anything without permission! They show their upset and grief in the only ways they know how.

[Mary1063]

Tears tears tears, so many so fast so endless... It's so crazy difficult.

My Little Man is next to me in bed licking my face... Whining... Trying to take the tears away.

[mfh]

I know, Mary, how the pain of loss tears at your heart. I am glad you have your Little Man with you and that you are allowing the cleansing and healing tears to flow. It is crazy difficult, as you say. We are with you.

Mary

[Mary1063]

It's so very surreal. It's been 113dys since my dear brother passed and 9dys since Shannon passed. I guess it just feels like I lost them both when Shannon passed. Perhaps because she didn't get to grieve for her Leo and I didn't either because I was being strong for her. I hoped with so much in me that she would win her battle. Honestly, I hoped a bit more for her than I did my brother, because he had so many life threatening issues and we just knew he would eventually lose that huge battle.... Like his twin brother did... My other big brother. But Shannon was only 40... 12yrs younger... And didn't have the issues my brothers had. Not to diminish cancer, but she should have had remission in her future. I truly believe in my heart that Leo dying left the very core of her heart and soul so shattered that it impeded her fight. Because my brother was indeed her heart and soul.

Below is Leo and Shan on their not fancy little wedding. They had just fed each other their piece of their wedding cake.

Still crying...

[kayc]

Mary, I am so glad you have Little Man. You will undoubtedly cry for a long time. I've seen that picture (or one like it) of Leo and Shannon...it's still hard for me to believe she's gone. I feel like we didn't get to be there for her when Leo died because she wasn't able to be on line. My heart breaks for you.