Losing Lilly

[mik]

I have just returned to this site once again after not being able to log in for some time. I posted that I was doing well after two years without him in my life. I am now posting two days later. I am about to lose my best friend, and my companion..my cat Lillypuss. Lilly has been with me now for more than seven years. She has been there through the loss of my partner. In January she was diagnosed with diabetes. I administer her insulin twice a day. Yesterday I found her unresponsive. I rushed her to the vet. They hospitalized her. Yoday I got the prognosis. It is not good. She is not responding to the anti-biotics. The vet says if she does not she will need to go to a city hospital the cost could run into a few thousand, and even then they may not be able to help her. She may have cancer of the pancretitis or liver disease..or who knows. I asked the vet for her reccomendations. The vet stated if she dosent respond to anti-biotics by tomorrow I should think of letting her go...uthenisia (sorry for my spelling) I am heartbroken. She has been with me, I am so close to her, like my own child.

I am now sitting here crying..I have the worst feeling she is not going to make it and I will have to make that decision tomorrow. I am so depressed. I cried at work all morning. I don't know how to get through this. Ever since I lost my partner every loss is a 100 times worse.

I know no one can help me. I am so sad..so down...all I can do is cry. Please say a prayer for Lillypuss. I am praying she responds to the anti-biotics....sigh....I don't know what I will do without her.

Kim

[Guest babylady]

so sorry. my cat monkey is almost 13. last year he was diagnosed with kidney disease. he's on a special diet and seems to be doing well. i lost my beloved husband 18 months ago and can't imagine losing monkey.

sending positive thoughts to you and lillypuss.

arlene

[enna]

I am so sorry, Kim, that your Lillypuss is so sick. I have her in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot imagine how very worried you are.

Our pets are such a part of our family and they do so bring us comfort. Let us know how things go. Keeping you close to my heart.

Anne

[MartyT]

Kim, my dear, I am so sorry to learn that your beloved fur baby is critically ill, and we certainly do understand how painful this must be for you. Clearly Lillypuss means the world to you, as she has been there for you through thick and thin these last seven years. We hold the two of you in our thoughts and prayers, and hope to hear that she is responding to the antibiotics. I'm also glad you found your way back to us at this challenging time, so we can walk with you through whatever lies ahead. We cannot change your circumstances, but we can assure you that you're not alone. ♥

[kayc]

Oh Kim, my heart goes out to you! I remember after George died, his cat ran away. It was a conscious decision on his part...I remember him looking intently at me for the last time, then turning tail and leaving. I never saw him again. It felt like George leaving all over again. Then I got Chappy (cat). I was really close to him, loved him, he used to sleep with me. And he got eaten by a cougar. I had a real hard time with it. I felt like everything I loved disappeared. I couldn't understand why God couldn't just let me have one little cat! I felt angry and hurt. Then my old cat, King George, died. I'd remarried and lost my husband John and my dog Lucky the same week. Each time it felt like "why couldn't I keep anything!"

Since that time, I've realized it's just part of the cycle...life/death. I lost my beloved granddoggy, Skye a couple of months ago. I will always miss him, he was very special. Right now I have two cats and a dog that means the world to me. I know someday I'll have to face this loss again, animals don't live as long as we'd wish. But it's worth it to me to face the loss just to have them in my life for a time. It will hurt like hell when the time comes, but I can't imagine life alone.

Right now you're fearing the worst...I really hope it doesn't come to that. I will pray for her to make it, but regardless, my virtual arms are around you and I wish I could hold you as your heart is heavy and your tears fall. Life is just so damned unfair sometimes! You may have a decision to face...to euthanize or not. We hate that money has to play into it because they are worth all the money in the world to us, but the cruel fact is, we have limited resources and can't always stretch for the stars. We want to know we've tried every avenue, done everything in our power to save them. But sometimes the money just isn't there...and even if it were, we could expend every effort to no avail. If this were my pet, I would ask the vet what they think their chance is and listen to that. They know more than we do. It's so hard! Right now we still hope for a miracle for little Lilly. Thinking of you in these days ahead...

[mik]

I am going to lose Lillypuss. The vet left a message. I have to come in at 9:00 and let her go. My heart is breaking. I can't stop crying. It seems as nothing in this world last for me. She was there through everything. I don't know how I am going to let her go. I just can't stop crying? I feel like I am out of control again. I have not felt this alone and sad for a long time. I want her in my life..I am so angry too..why? again I find myself asking why does anything I love go away? I prayed to God again..I don't understand why he dosent hear me. I asked him to put it in his hands and now I don't want to face the answer. Others don't understand as usual. I hate that question why! Tell me again I am doing the right thing...what is best for her, I can't come to terms with it as I sit here crying like a fool. I want her!!! Life is so unfair...I am a mess. I need to know I will see her again in an afterlife. Will she ever know how much I love her? Do cats know???

[Guest babylady]

now i'm crying. i feel terrible for you. i've had to put down cats over the years and it was awful, but after losing john i'm so afraid of losing monkey. monkey is my cat. he's been that way since the day we brought him home from the breeder when he was 12 weeks old. i was in the back of the car and monkey was in the carrying case. he was crying and i let him out. i think that's when we bonded during that 2-1/2 hour drive.

you will see her again. like humans animals reincarnate or you might see her again when you go to the spirit world. 6 weeks after john passed i had a reading. he had 2 dogs with him.

sending you a hug.

[mik]

I am sorry I didn't mean to make you cry. I have lost cats in the past. One I have had for over 25 years. For some reason the pain with Lilly is horrible. Perhaps after the death of Dragon, part of me is just raw to loss. You would think you would grow tougher with each loss but not me..it hurts even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this. Makes you want to wrap yourself up and never venture out to love anything again. I can't even get another cat..nothing will take her place and I would feel worse. I have nothing to do but to sit here and go through this. It is heart wrenching. It is the price you pay for loving something so much.

[Guest babylady]

it's okay. i cry easily. i'm empathetic and feel people's pain. i just edited my post.

i know how you feel. after monkey goes i will not get another animal.

since john passed i'm afraid of everything. my step daughter calls on wednesday nights. she didn't call last night and i feared something happened to her. i called her when i got up and she's fine. got stuck at work till 12:30 am and had to be back in early this morning. she's a videotape operator/producer for CNN and was working on a piece about a woman who died and was brought back. she talks about how she met jesus and other people and how it was wonderful. it's going to air the weekend after next. i'm glad my step daughter was able to edit this piece because she's so afraid of dying and i think this helped her.

do you have family and friends around you? i'm here alone. lilly will go to the spirit world where she'll be reunited with the others you've lost.

arlene

[mik]

Thank you for your words. I do believe you and I am so sorry for your loss. I have my mom and dad around me now. I help care for them as they are elderly. They are supportive as well, but just don't see things like I do..they try hard though. I have met someone new and we have been together for over a year. Like Lilly, I am so afraid of losing him as well. I need therapy, lol..when I have insurance I will go back. Thank you for listening and for helping me..you really have with your words. I will look forward to seeing Lilly and my other pets in that afterlife. I will look for the piece your step daughter is editing, thank you.

[MartyT]

Kim, my dear, I am so sorry ~ and I know how much this hurts. I hope these readings will bring you some comfort:

The Journey, by Crystal Ward Kent

Where Do We Go From Here? by Phillip Schreibman

Til Then

Euthanasia: The Merciful Release, by Rita Reynolds

The Rainbow Bridge

[mik]

Thank you everyone for all your support. Marty..thank you for the links as well. I just said goodbye. All I could do is kiss her over and over again and tell her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I could not even stay for the injection, it was just too much to bear. I hope she understands and knows I was with her till the end. They will creamate her. I am not even sure what I will do, as I never requested that before. I just could not bear the thought of having her in the ground. I read some of the information you sent me Marty...it has helped. I am so depressed that I can hardly feel. I become so overwhelmed by the feelings of depression and sadness I am almost afraid to feel them. Almost like I will lose my mind. The pit I feel in my stomach right now is endless. I know that with time I will recover but right now it is so painful. I am trying not to think about her until I can do so without this overwhelming amount of sadness. I miss her so much already. Pray for me please...I could use any positive thoughts right now. I can't wait until I see her again, healthy and whole...all of pets....it will truly be heaven.

[MartyT]

You are in our thoughts and prayers, dear Kim ~ and we are with you in your pain. I assure you of that. ♥

[kayc]

Kim

I am so sorry. I do know what it's like, and it's so hard. You did what you had to do and I believe with all my heart you'll be joined with her again. You bet we'll be praying for you. You're in my thoughts.

Have you seen the Rainbow Bridge video?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw&feature=player_embedded

[mik]

Thank you for the video. I have watched it in the past. Right now I am so raw that I cannot view it but I will once I can. THank you all again. I have ordered two books also that were recommended in order to gain a greater understanding of pets in the afterlife. I know I am using this as a crutch right now, but I need to believe that is so in order to deal with this sadness. The belief that I will see Lillypuss again and that she is near me in spirit is a comfort even if I was taught that animals don't have souls. I disagree and need to believe this.

[mfh]

Dear Kim, I am so sorry about your furbaby. I do believe our pets are waiting for us "over there" and I also know we want them right here with us. I do know the pain of losing a pet and that on the heels of losing your Dragon, you are vulnerable and the pain is huge. I hold you in the light and send loving thoughts to you. I hope you follow the links given above as I do believe also that reading what others think and feel about life after life for our pets helps a lot.

Peace in these difficult days,

Mary

[Guest babylady]

sending you a big hug.

[mik]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to report back that things are going a bit better for me. I have been able to cry for Lilly and I am beginning to think about her again. I miss her very much and with the holidays approaching it is tough to deal with. I see the commercials for pets and Christmas and think about Lilly. How she used to sit under the Christmas tress and knock over the village which my mother would painstakingly set up, lol...and how she loved to unwrap her cat nip mice! I will miss her excitement as we opened up the boxes of ornaments, her curiosity with what was inside each box..it almost makes me cry to think about it...but I know now that I was so lucky to have that time with her. I broke down last weekend a called a pet grief hotline. The women there told me something that made me do what I needed to do. She asked me if I was calling in order to have her " take my grief away from me" at which time she explained that she would not be able to do that. In very clear terms she let me know that only I could experience my own grief..and that she was not there to make me feel better, she was there to tell me that I "needed to grieve" to cry, to feel sad..to go through this. In that way I would be able to let go. I know that we have all heard that before..but how many times has someone close to us tried to "fix" that sadness? tried to tell us anything that would allow us to feel good again? I realized then that it was important to feel bad about the loss..not to fix it but to go through it...it actually help me more than those words of comfort given by friends and family..Not that that was wrong in anyway..as I will always be grateful for those who do provide that compassion and comfort. But I feel it is equally important to look at the reality..in order to get through it. Just my thoughts..for what they are worth. Again I want to thank everyone for their time and caring thoughts...It got me through those first terrible days without Lillypuss.

Kim

[mfh]

Dear Kim, You are wise to listen to the counselor you got on the phone and she was a wise person to tell you exactly what she did. We must all grieve our losses in ways that are our very own. In our society many people want to fix us for various reasons. Yes, your grief is yours and no one can take it from you or fix it. It is unique to you because you and your furbaby are unique and have a unique relationship. That relationship will never die or go away. It has changed in ways that hurt. And yes, like the rest here, it is yours to walk through your grief and in doing that, you will find healing. It is not pleasant to feel pain and to feel sadness but it is the way we heal...to allow and embrace our pain. But though this pain is yours, we are all here walking the path with you...and we all know loss well.

Peace to your heart,
Mary

[kayc]

I hear what you are saying, and I have been feeling the same way about my beloved granddoggy, Skye. Skye wasn't just my granddoggy, he lived with me much of his life, and he was so sweet and special, there is noone that will ever replace him. And I miss him.

You're right, no one can take our grief away, we have to experience it. I wish you better days ahead.

[liddie]

hello mik- im new to this site. I just lost my Lhasa apso. on 1/11/14. I was a animal rescuer here in nyc,ny. do live in ny. he started going downhill very fast. he was 15/16 yrs old. he had ivdd,heart murmur-heavy panting,muscle loss,ccd, blind-cornel ulcers, incontinence, and I think a brain tumor or something pressing on his spinal column to make him have tremors. on the day he died, he had 2 petit mal seizuesI called my brother in nj and told him he must come fast-we had to go to the vet. on 12/20/13, I saw a neurologist, and without a mri,cat scan,flurscopy, u cannot really know 100% for sure if your dog has a brain tumor. He use to go around in circles and I did research on WebMD,cornell,meck vet manual,email pet meds doctor on-line about the meds. he was on a pain pill rhymidyy fo 6 months. everything that I read showed me signs that something was pressing on his spinal cord. From 1/8/14 to 1/11/14 it was bad. He barked all night then on Thursday I gave him 1 tranquilze thinking it would help him sleep-nothing worked, and this pill I gave him another time and it worked great, he came out of it like he was drunk but as it wore off he was ok. Yes, I signed the papers to put him down and I miss him so. I reallyr elated to you mik because I live alone and I was never married,no childen, and relatives live far away. With my dog coco I felt less alone now that hes gone the quietness of the apt is driving me crazy. I do not have good loyal friends. Im a religious person and I want to believe he is with Jesus and he is being cared for. Both parents died one in 1965 the other 1985. I have a boy cat and I havfe lost all interest in caing for myself or this cat. I feel so lost and alone. I also wonder why God takes everything fom me. I think Im a good person. I was an animal rescuer for 5 ys. He was my last rescue. I had to devote a lot of time to him to socialize him. He was a wild disobiedent dog, barked non-stop because Lhasas are guard dogs. So I live in an apt where the elevator was very near my door.I rescued 25 cats and 5 dogs. I see this happened in nov 2013. Does it still hurt? I lost 4 cats already now my boy coco. I live in a apt house where there are dogs all over, im on . If u want to respond tpo me u can reach me here as liddie. take care mik. fondly, liddie

[mfh]

Dear liddie,

I am so sorry about the loss of your dog. It sounds like you did everything you could and in spite of that, you lost your sweet pup.

You have certainly done a great deal to rescue animals. I admire people who do that kind of work. I understand how silent your house is with this loss. Be gentle with yourself and take your time to grieve. Losing a pet is losing a family member and one that is so significant to you especially since you have lost your parents. You know that you are welcome to become a part of this healing circle. People here have dealt with all kinds of losses including their pets and there are many pet lovers here.

Peace to you in these very painful days,

Mary

[kayc]

Liddie, I am sorry for your loss and how painful it is. I do not think God takes them from us, although it may feel like that, but stuff happens in life that we're left to deal with and sometimes it hurts so much! I applaud your rescue work, my love is for dogs (and cats too, but esp. dogs), My own dog was a rescue and both my cats. I know you don't feel like taking care of yourself or your cat but doing so will give you the best chance at coping optimally that you have. I hope you feel free to come back here and maybe even start a thread of your own, sharing some of your stories with the animals you've loved and cared for.

Wishing you better days ahead...

Kay