Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Constructing A Biography Of Joy


MartyT

Recommended Posts

Dear Ones, as I was searching through my files for another article this morning, I came across this excerpt from Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It's a wonderful idea that some of you may find helpful:
[Dr. Verena Kast, a visiting psychology professor, University of Zurich recommended] . . . that we go home and write a “biography of joy.” She suggested that we attempt to remember all the moments in our lives when we experienced joy and then write a short vignette describing what those moments were like.
This suggestion startled me. By this point, I had told my “life story” a lot of times, always with a big emphasis on what had gone wrong . . . But write a biography of joy? This was a new way to think.
I did as Dr. Kast recommended and continue even today adding to this collection of stories about those times in my life when I feel joy. I’d like to recommend the same to you. We all have told our stories from certain perspectives – troubles we have had, stories handed down in the family, relationships we have been involved in – all emphasizing different strands of our lives for different listeners. When we shift perspectives – say, as in constructing a biography of joy – we can see new dimensions of our lives.
“Reconstructing a biography of joy removes us from our usual biographical treadmills and habitual conceptualizations,” Dr. Kast says in her book, and we “discover a new story about ourselves.” I urge you to try it . . .
Questions Dr. Kast recommends we use for our biography of joy:
What in my life has given me joy?
How have I expressed my joy?
How does my joy affect my relationships?
How do I keep control of my joy?
What spoils joy for me?
How is the joy I experience now different from the joy I had as a child?
In the past, in what situations was I really happy?
How did I express my joy then?
And perhaps the most important question of all: What has become of my joy? . . . What can I do differently to hold onto the times of joy I do experience so that they are naturally a part of my everyday experience?
In the best of circumstances, this biography of joy that we construct can not only remind us that we have been joyful in the past, it can also awaken that joy in the present (pp. 208-209).
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, Marty, that is a brilliant idea!

I was just writing in y journal about joy yesterday, and about how, even though I know I have a lot more healing to do in many ways, I am beginning to feel some joy sometimes. And that reminded me of a quote on my refrigerator, "Joy is the best measure of success" which caused me to write this, as a way of dealing with the robberies and all,

"Success is the best revenge."

"Joy is the best measure of success."

"Ergo, be joyful!"

And I actually laughed to realize that all my anger, hostility, revenge dreams, and being "made right" are nothing at all compared to living in joy again. I have most of my life expected to live in joy, with some challenges and lessons tossed in, but nothing I could not handle.

And I am handling this as well. Now I will go begin my Joy biography, which is, actually, most of my life. I think when we experience terrible pain, though, our primary focus is on surviving the pain, and we look at other times when we have needed to survive pain as our 'roadmaps" and I think that is probably "normal" for humans.

But to bring back our history of joy, and to look at the days and years of joy, and to emotionally handle them again as we begin to feel that state of being, must be just about the best thing one can do to help restore some joy and to validate our individual ability to experience joy. Now I will go read.

Thank you, thank you.

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And joy isn't the same as happiness, is it? I don't think I shall ever feel happy again without my Pete in my life but since his death I have experienced joy. I would define joy as momentary. Moments of intense good feeling. Whereas I see happiness as an ongoing feeling. Semantics if you like. Others will see each differently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of my favorite quotations, Jan, from Kahil Gibran:

When you are joyous, look deep in your heart

and you shall find

it is only that which has given you sorrow

that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful

look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth

you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marty, this is a great idea. Just yesterday my friend who lost her husband last week told me one of the daughters who lives a distance from here started seeing a grief counselor who told her to start writing little stories of all the joyful and wonderful times she had with her dad. Now the whole family is doing it and I imagine it will become a family book in time. This idea that you presented is even broader....and that is fantastic. Nice!

Jan, I am not sure what happy means. I know that sounds weird but for me it is confusing. I mean if you look it up you get the following and contained in that is joyous and joyful. Maybe you have had some happiness...or perhaps happiness means something else to you. I don't mean to be picky here but rather I am being confused by a word we toss around so easily. I know you are sad...as are many either always or sometimes or sadness sits within us quietly. But what does it mean to be happy as opposed to being joyous...is it degree?

  1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
    "Melissa came in looking happy and excited"
    synonyms: cheerful, cheery, merry, joyful, jovial, jolly, jocular, gleeful, carefree, untroubled, delighted, smiling, beaming, grinning, in good spirits, in a good mood, lighthearted, pleased, contented, content, satisfied, gratified, buoyant, radiant, sunny, blithe, joyous, beatific; More
    thrilled, elated, exhilarated, ecstatic, blissful, euphoric, overjoyed, exultant, rapturous, in seventh heaven, on cloud nine, walking on air, jumping for joy, jubilant;
    informalchirpy, over the moon, on top of the world, tickled pink, on a high, as happy as a clam;
    formaljocund "Melissa looked happy and excited"
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, someone sent me this website today. It does little to differentiate but I read it and believe that Bill and I had a joy in our relationship that is still very much present. I smile when I think about our life together...and I think we lived in a deep joy at having found each other and in nurturing our marriage...we were so alike also. We had happy times but joy is what drove our lives. That is not to say we did not have our bumps in the road but there was a deep knowing through the tough times that joy was one of the huge bricks in our foundation. So happiness to me feels temporary and even superficial. That does not mean it is that way for others...but it is for me. My joy goes on and happiness is in moments here and there. The joy of our life and love as well as the joys I find each day in helping others, looking into Bentley's eyes, gazing at a flower....and more.

So look at this site and see what you think: http://www.diffen.com/difference/Happiness_vs_Joy%C2'> It is Joy vs Happiness ironically.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mary, here is the link on Joy vs Happiness.

http://www.diffen.com/difference/Happiness_vs_Joy

It only gives us the happiness part so here is the rest of it -

edit.jpg Happiness Joy Meaning Happiness is an emotion in which one experiences feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense pleasure. Joy is a stronger, less common feeling than happiness. Witnessing or achieving selflessness to the point of personal sacrifice frequently triggers this emotion. Being connected to God or to others in a great cause and synergistic result. Causes earthly experiences, material objects Spiritual experiences, caring for others, gratitude, thankfulness Emotion outward expression of elation inward peace and contentment Time frame temporary, based on outward circumstances lasting, based on inward circumstances Example In the midst of life's ups and downs happiness is still present. Serving others, sometimes through sacrifice with no possible personal gain. Witnessing justice for the less fortunate. Experiencing God's mercy and grace and feeling His love. All can result in joy. Analogy Happiness is a state. Think of it as a 100 story building and each level corresponds to a happiness value. And that happiness will persist for quite a long time Joy is that sudden burst of happiness. Joy is like the elevator in that building that takes you up to higher levels of happiness only for a small amount of time and back. Life Happiness is a by product of a moral lifestyle.

Joy can be experienced from any good activity, food or company.

To me JOY is something I carry with me all the time. Happiness comes and goes. Here are some of my thoughts:

  • Taking time to look at a hummer feeding on a flower
  • Watching rain hit the patio
  • Listening to the different birds talk – each with their own unique sound
  • Watching a small child’s face as he/she is pushed on a swing by a parent
  • Listening to the sound of the fronds on a palm tree when the wind picks up
  • Smelling a cup of tea I just brewed
  • watching my father cut lilacs from the tree to bring to my mom - seeing her smile when she sees them of the table
  • waiting for my mother to come in and tuck all five of us into bed - it's the feeling that stays with you

So many other memories. I like the idea of a Biography of JOY.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anne, thank you. I see I forgot to put the link in...thanks for picking up on that and posting it along with your words. Thanks, Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To me, joy arises from the essence of my being, from my heart, and is an abiding sense that I get when I remember Doug and our times together. It is that profound sense that encompasses no fear, deep bliss, feeling right with the world and all in it, and knowing I am loving and loved, feeling contentment, peace, and perfect moments, all at the same time.

I think we each know the feeling of joy, but the words to describe it are a challenge for me.

I am doing a lot of work to release the PTS, so that is my big job right now. :)

I know more joy will find room in my heart as the fear and sense of helplessness depart.

And that is enough for today. :)

This little corner of our Fire is a place of great richness, thank you Marty, Mary, and Anne for your wise words.

namaste,

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

So, Marty started this new thread about: Constructing a Biography of Joy and I went to work answering the questions from my own point of view – it’s hard to completely separate ideas of happiness and joy but my understanding is that happiness comes from fleeting ideas that only last for short moments and joy is a deeper feeling that is implanted in ones heart and soul. The happiness moments can become joyful ones over time.

Thoughts About My New Joy Today - I’ve had to keep it short or it would turn into a book since I’ve lived over seven decades already!

What in my life has given me joy?

The birth of my daughter who has developed into a beautiful woman who now raises her own beautiful children – my precious grandchildren – a special connection I as a mother will feel forever. The life my Jim and I shared for forty years has given me many moments (years) of joy.

How have I expressed my joy?

By being kinder and more thoughtful towards others – it is such a simple gesture often overlooked – a feeling that gives me a sense of inner peace

How does my joy affect my relationships?

I think people like being around those who are positive – it doesn’t mean that there aren’t negative moments

How do I keep control of my joy?

Memories are powerful and remembering good times reminds me of how lucky I have been – joy is deep down and remains within you no matter what has happened

What spoils joy for me?

It is hard to answer that because joy is an inner feeling that really can’t be taken away from me.

How is the joy I experience now different from the joy I had as a child?

I think everything that happened to me as a child would fit under the term happiness – I was happy most of the time – a new toy made me happy, ice cream made me happy, having a pet made me happy, not fighting with my brother and sisters made me happy, etc.

Today, the joy I experience is lasting and deeper. It doesn’t depend on what is happening in my life every moment – I have memories of my Jim and my Benji and others who have died even though they are not with me as before. My spiritual life is important. I make a conscious effort to choose joy even when I am so sad especially without Jim.

In the past, in what situations was I really happy?

In no particular order:

Making my First Holy Communion, making my Confirmation, learning to drive, getting my first pair of pointe shoes, completing graduations successfully, watching the light go on in my students eyes when they “got” something I was teaching them, marrying in my church, giving birth to my daughter, baptisms, dancing, horseback riding, seeing Santa for the first time, playing with friends, etc.

How did I express my joy then?

I don’t know if I did – later, I held on to memories and valued many of the things I expressed as happy events. Over time many of the happy things become joyful ones – I think it is in hindsight that we see the joy in the happy things

And perhaps the most important question of all: What has become of my joy? . . . What can I do differently to hold onto the times of joy I do experience so that they are naturally a part of my everyday experience?

My joy is more inward. I have more joy today than when I was young. Even though I live in pain daily I appreciate the love Jim and I had for forty years. Memories keep things alive and my faith holds me together.

I still have joy. I wake up each day and am grateful that I am breathing. I take pleasure in watching the sun come up as I sit on my patio. I watch the new leaves fill the trees and the flowers pop out on the bushes. I listen to the sounds of the morning and watch the sun go down at night. My joy remains within me no matter what is going on around me. I definitely am not happy all the time but I think I am joyful.

These are my thoughts…

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I read your post, dear Anne, all I could think is that it describes and reflects so perfectly the beautiful person that you are. I often write about doing the work of grief, and you are such an outstanding example of that. You are one of the hardest working mourners I've ever known. You truly do find and use (and share!) so many tools for healing, and I love that you're willing to give so many different things a try as you strive to discover what works best for you. I so admire your strength and dogged (there's a word!) determination. You are an inspiration for all of us, and we are honored by your presence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow! Thank you for your kind words, Marty.

I read the link you added only this morning on FB. I love what you have to say to those of us who are grieving. It is an excellent piece of writing.

I am trying to move through my grieving by doing just what you have suggested to all of us and that is read, read, share, meditate, and be honest with our thoughts.

It is going to be a long road and that only becomes clearer to me as the months pass. At least now I understand what 'grief bursts' are and I can be assured that what I am experiencing is 'normal' and I am not going out of my mind even though it seems like it at times.

I have been hit with many losses these past 22 months - Jim's death, my health, my Benji - I have a long way to go on this journey and I am very blessed to be on this forum with all the beautiful people we have here. I gain my courage from the others who are sharing their journeys.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anne, I posted yesterday about your Biography of joy but must have forgotten to hit 'post'. I just need to tell you that I agree wholeheartedly with Marty's statements. I am inspired by how you are handling and have handled so much loss. You have chosen to feel your pain and share it while you also have chosen to own your joy. What more could one ask of a person? Pat yourself on the back and know that you have helped many people here just by being you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your are most kind, dear Mary. Thank you for your continued support through my grief journey. I am where I am because of beautiful people like you who have helped me on my travels through this really, really tough time. I especially like those 'longer than five second' hugs.

Have fun with the grandbabies this week, Jan. They are so very precious. I loved the pictures in the field and their help with planting. Wonderful memories.

:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jan, glad you have a brief hiatus and glad you will see your grands and daughter again. I love your little videos on FB. You could post one here also...I know people would like to meet them. Be peaceful and get some rest before you go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...