Trying To Go On One Day At A Time

[KCinko]

Hi everyone, I've been real busy, I guess that's ok, but at times it seems to be too overwhelming, but I'm doing it. I need some opinions here; Today is the birthday of 1 of my husbands sons & my daughter still friends him on facebook, my daughter put up a post to send him a card & wish him a happy birthday. My Problem: I want to tell him off; he wasn't there for me AT ALL, but I should have known he wouldn't be because he wasn't there for his own father; which angers me even MORE & I want to say things but I'm not cause I know that will take more energy to show my anger at him than its worth. I just hate when I get feeling like this. Any suggestions????

[MartyT]

My friend, you may find this article helpful, as it contains some useful suggestions for coping with angry feelings: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[KCinko]

Thank You, Marty, Much appreciated. I will read & try to learn anything I can that will help me

[KCinko]

Ok, I've been feeling very SAD for the past few days now, I was blaming it on being overwhelmed with everything going on, but Honestly, I think it's because I know my Birthday is coming up, my Husband ALWAYS did something special for me on my birthday & this year is the "BIG 50" & I won't have him with me to celebrate that & it's killing me. There were 3 times in a year that I would request to be off work & they were; My Husbands Birthday, My Birthday & Our Anniversary. I know, I just know I CANNOT do this!! The 2 other Holidays I was able to Ignore (Easter & Memorial Day), but this is different. This definitely feels more intense & its "Scaring" me. I'm sorry for unloading on here but I needed to get this out!! I just know I'm going to LOSE My Mind!!!

[feralfae]

Oh, I think it is the birthday. Not having Doug here to surprise me with special gifts makes the day empty now. My freinds took me out for a special surprise birthday lunch this year, and that helped a lot.

Is there someone you can spend the day with who will join you in remembering earlier wonderful birthdays? Maybe you could take the day off, have a lovely lunch, maybe go to a movie, or for a walk, and feel some comfort.

If not, it might be a good day to see your grief counselor or your clergy. I think it would help if you are not alone all day on your birthday, and you do deserve to honor your birth day in some way, so maybe you can put something together. Maybe you can spend some time writing in your journal.

I am so sorry for all your pain and the terrible anguish that comes with these days that are "time markers" of being alone and of our beloved being gone. I hope you can find something to help you through the day.

Peace to you,

fae

[mfh]

I understand about birthdays and death. This is a special birthday and it is your first without your beloved husband. I can relate. Bill's funeral and burial was the day before my 70th birthday which also happened to be Easter that year. We had big plans also, as did you. These kinds of days especially early on are very difficult and my heart goes out to you. I do urge you to listen carefully to your heart, your inner voice and choose how you wish to spend the day. I would think being with trusted and safe person/s for part of the day at least would probably be a wise choice. I look at photos, journal on the days. If you have a grief counselor, I am sorry I do not remember, it could be good to spend time there.

You never ever need to apologize for "unloading" here. We are here for and with you. One day...one hour at a time. You can do this. Plan the day to some degree. Come here and post a few times.

I carry you in my heart.

Mary

[MartyT]

My friend, as this milestone birthday approaches and you think about how you intend to spend it, I'd like to share with you three articles that offer practical suggestions that you may find helpful. (Although they deal primarily with facing death day anniversaries, the same principles would apply for your birthday or any special day):

Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays And Holidays ~

. . . It may help to know that many people find death-date anniversaries difficult, since they serve as such potent reminders of all that we have lost. Keep in mind, however, that in many ways, this day will be no more (or less) difficult to get through than any other day you’ve had to face since your wife died. Anniversary dates are really no more than dates on a calendar, and they hold no more power over us than we are willing to give them. More often than not, many people find that the anticipation of the day is far worse than the actual day itself.

Like everything else in grief, you can choose to deal with what you’re dreading by avoiding it all together, or by facing it head-on, holding the firm belief that you’ve made it through this far, and you will make it through this, too. Some mourners decide to think of this first-year-anniversary date as an “expected event” that can be understood as a rite of passage, a turning point, or a marker for a change in attitude, setting you free from that very difficult first year.

I happen to think that the worst thing you can do is to let this day sneak up on you without planning for it ahead of time. I encourage you to develop some sort of strategy that includes a Plan A and a Plan B. Whatever you plan to do with the day is completely up to you (even if you plan intentionally to do nothing at all – but at least that is your plan) . . .

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Days in Grief

Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine's Day (Or Any Special Day)

[Queeniemary]

KCinko, I hope you just totally ignored your step son on his birthday. If he was never there for you, or his father, why should you pay him any attention, good or bad now. Ignoring is sometimes the best message.

I am so glad your daughter will be near you soon. It helps so much to have some family close by. My daughter was my rock and I am not sure I could have made it through first few months without her. If you read my profile, you will understand why. Hope you find a house soon. Did you get the bank accounts fixed...and was the thief required to repay. I hope he had to replace the money he stole from you. The bank should replace it, at the very least!

QMary

[KCinko]

Hi all, I'm still feeling terrible & I just found out that my Daughter who is moving up to Pa from Fl in 2 weeks; she just found out that her Father-in-law was put in the hospital yesterday & just a few days ago her Grandmother (her Dads Mom) was put in the hospital as well. So everything is really coming down on us, but I think mostly my Daughter, cause she is moving up here to help me & now she is going to have all of these other things to deal with. I'm just worried about her handling all these issues. I know how I've been feeling so for her I'm just praying she has the strength to handle all this!! She's a strong person, but is she strong enough for all this?? all I can do is be there for her & her husband & help them in any way I can & "Pray" that they can hold up through all this!!

Thank You All for listening, I appreciate being able to tell how I feel to someone. I also have 2 Grandchildren involved in all this & yes they are old enough to understand; my Granddaughter is 16 & my Grandson is 11. Thank You for listening

[kayc]

KCinko,

About your birthday...it would help if you could plan to spend a fun day with a friend. I remember my first birthday after George died, and no one remembered. It was hard. To have no one say Happy Birthday when your husband always made a big deal out of it...it just accentuated his being gone. I remember crying myself to sleep. I really hope you can spare yourself that by making plans ahead of time. It'll be important to voice yourself to your family/friends and tell them explicitly what you need/want from them as people who haven't been there just don't get it.

I am sorry to hear your daughter's life just got further complicated. Your leaning on each other might be a good thing as you can be there for each other through it all. It's going to be a hard time but I hope it will be a time of special memory building as well.

[KCinko]

Hi everyone, I know it's been a long time since I've been on here & I'm sorry but there have been ALOT of changes in my life & it's taking some getting used to. My Daughter & her family moved up to Pa from Fl & they had moved in with me which was just a small 2 bedroom apartment, & there is her & her husband & their 2 children ages 11 & 16 ( a girl & a boy) and some pets they brought with them, so we've moved into a bigger house, so we can all have our own space when we need it. I also took my daughter & granddaughter on vacation to Texas to see our family, as I haven't seen them in 13-14 years & my granddaughter has never met some of them. The vacation was Great. I went during mine & my husbands Anniversary so my family would be there to help me through that difficult time, which they did. And did a Wonderful Job!! When we came back home my daughter's husband & his family had a lot of the stuff from my house moved into the new house because we were all concerned that I would have trouble leaving the house I shared with my husband. I really did appreciate all they had done but after we returned I had 3 grown men just sitting around the house for a week not doing anything & I let loose & yelled at them, because there was still so much to do, my daughter's storage unit still needed to be moved, things needed put away & organized. Long story short everyone got mad at me & all the guys left & went to their hometown 150 miles away. In the meantime my granddaughter who is 16 has a boyfriend in Florida & she has been doing anything she can to cause problems between me & my daughter & son-in-law, causing us to fight with each other cause she wants to move back down to Florida. So her & I are at the point of not talking & she even took me off of her facebook. I sent her a message letting her know that what she did was hurtful & mean & after everything I did for her this is no way to treat your grandmother. I was very nice to her & she turned around & did this to me & that hurts. I took her on vacation, I bought her some things for her new bedroom & I bought her new school shoes & I felt like she just used me to get what she wanted & now she doesn't want bothered with me & keeps me out of things going on in her life. It's amazing how she managed to cause problems between me & my daughter. My daughter moved here with me to help me through this difficult time & now it's just full of stress. I don't mean to unload on all of you but that's why I haven't been on here for so long. I apologize for going on & on, but I guess I'm just getting it all out. I really am sorry, I didn't mean to go on so long. Thank You All for listening!! I appreciate it!!

[kayc]

It sounds like you've had a lot going on. Is there some way you could just live alone and have some peace and quiet back in your life?

As for your granddaughter, she can only do to you what you let her. I know it hurts, but you'll have to keep these things in mind in the future, maybe not so quick to do for her. Perhaps she'll grow up and appreciate you more later on but I wouldn't necessarily count on it. Where is her mom in all this? I would think she would deal with her ungrateful child, but maybe that's part of the problem, I don't know, not knowing enough of the family history, how she's been raised, etc.

I only know I would want my life back and not all the drama. You have enough to deal with with losing your husband. All of this can be a diversion, but in the end, grief is still waiting to be dealt with and takes a lot of work.

[mfh]

KCinko,

I am so sorry it has been so difficult with your family. I know it has to be so difficult especially when you are grieving and exhaustion.

The 16 year old clearly is more concerned about her boyfriend than anything else in her life....pretty typical, I fear in many instances. I hope you can get set up and settled in soon.

No apology EVER needed for sharing your pain and sadness and frustration.

May you find some peaceful moments each day...perhaps a walk in nature...getting out of the house and being in your own company for a while each day.

[Wifflesnook]

Kcinko I think you have to make them realise that you need time and space to recover from your loss (or become stronger). I truly feel for you. It sounds as though there is too much going on in your life right now. Please keep sharing. You can't overdo it. We are all here to listen and share