Relationship Is Ending After The Loss Of 2 Boys

[Texyman]

Since there have not been big changes since last post, I have not updated for long time.

Here is some updates;

I feel her mother takes care of me on behalf of her. I do not know how should I understand it. she sent me long mail and told me what they are doing and anytime, in the last sentence, she asked me to wait until they start to see the world again.

I sent post card 2 times to both my girl friend and her mother and short mail about once in week. after that I got short mail from my girlfriend very late but she always replies.

I realized in these days that my feeling is changing, since her mother told me that she misses her boys more than 2month ago and today she can not see this world at all. it sounds that she is now really grieving.

In the beginning, I wanted to keep our relation and wanted to support for her. but now I only wish that she start to see this world again and find her good future. it does not matter if she need me or not.

Last week, I ran 10km and now I can read thick book. both I could not do since this sad has been started. And my dark days is not my fear anymore.

I do not know why my feeling is so changed ??? I still love her!! Do I start to protect my body followed by basic instinct or simply because time is flying ??

[kayc]

It is natural. You are starting to get over her, even though you still love her. That is our body's way of coping, we can't stay in the intense pain forever, our bodies know that. We are more resilient creatures than we'd ever imagine. That does not mean your relationship could not be rebuilt if the two of you so desired, but I am glad for you that you are doing better and even able to read something lengthy, that's a good sign!

[mfh]

It sounds like you are coming to a place of acceptance and learning how to live with this situation. She is in such pain and one no one can really understand who has not been there. It is good you are taking care of yourself and seeing your own changes. Peace.

[Texyman]

Kay and Mary, Thanks for your writing and advising to me.

I have not updated in the last couple weeks simply because of no news.

I just sent short text once in a week or two, then sometimes she replied to me, sometimes her mother replied to me on behalf of her and sometimes not. Book say that sadness of loss of lovers are like wave. meant sometime big, sometimes small so I thought when she did not reply to me, big wave came to her.

Last weekend, I sent her sponge cake and letter. But I did not get any reply from her and her mother. Then I thought I did something wrong and they are angry with me. Day before yesterday, I sent text saying extremely sorry for sending cake in this moment . And at the moment I was wondering maybe this text would be last one and I would be faded out completely…

Yesterday, surprisingly I received first long text from her since the tragedy and it was very positive message to me and ask me to wait until she is recovered. I was very glad because I felt something is changed on her.

I do not know how long do I have to wait and if I really can meet her again but I will try and I really hope she is recovered as much as possible and I want to support for that.

I will not take any step further, I will just keep my door open by sending short text periodically and just wait until she is recovered at certain level. please advice me if I am wrong or should I do something else ? Thanks.

[mfh]

I think you are understanding better that your friend's loss is just totally overwhelming. I can't begin to describe what a mother goes through when her babies have died. Not even I can comprehend it never having lost a child....and she lost two.

I think your plan to send an occasional text message that is about her e.g. Just letting you know I care or Thinking of you as you grieve. And as long as you understand that this is a long journey, one from which she will never truly recover...as recovery is not an option but one she will over a long period of time learn how to live with. One that changes her forever. Why not take this in small increments. Send your occasional texts and in three more months, evaluate for yourself whether or not you wish to remain involved. Try to hold no expectations of her or the relationship.

[kayc]

Mary's advice is very wise. I am glad you received a text from her. Whatever happens, know it's nothing to do with you, it just affects you. Mary's right, a person does not "recover" from something like this, the best she can hope for is to learn to live with it, and that is a tall order and will take a very long time. It may be a very long time before she's able or ready to pursue a relationship and by then you may not feel the same...it's hard to imagine right now, but a possibility. You'll need to continue with your life in the meantime, you are grieving her and your relationship and that's hard too. None of this is anyone's fault, it just is and we have to deal with what gets thrust at us. Since you aren't in your home country, I hope you still have a support system around you, friends there for you. Are you getting out, besides work?

[Texyman]

Many thanks Kay and Mary for your advices.

I used word 'recover' from her text but yes we cannot be back to same mindset before tragedy.

I'm sure that It will be long journey. just 3 month has passed and I do not know how long I need to wait. But I think it worth doing even if I cannot meet with her again.

As long as she response to me, I want to believe there is still my role in her life..

One of the things in my case is that I already met with her family and have communicated with them well before the tragedy. So now I sometimes can exchange text with then even more than with her and they also support me while they spent indescribable sadness day.

Kay, yes I go out for running. I learn that is one way to reduce my pain.This month I ran over 50km.

[kayc]

Exercise is good, but need to be with friends or family too. I hope you have someone to spend time with where you are, and if not, find someone. My best friend is moving in a week so I'll be needing to find someone too!

[Texyman]

Since iPad, smart phone has been existed in our life, I can communicate with my family and friends in other country via Skype, whatsapp, etc. It is not same as I face to them but now for me even better because I still do not feel like to go out for drink.

I am quite good now but still need time to go out for drink for fun.

Kay, sorry to hear that your friend is moving out to somewhere. But I think you can still be in touch with her/him via such media.

[kayc]

I can't Skype where I live, I have very slow speed internet connection, nothing faster is available (1 MBPS), but we will talk on the phone. It won't be the same, the relationship we've had has already changed. We used to do things together, get together, that's gone. She is busy with her fiance, going on bike (motorcycle) rides and not available for phone much. It's okay, I'll get used to it with time.

Be careful drinking because it's a depressant...not something you need right now. It's great that you can Skype with family, but I hope you have local friends to hang out with.

[Texyman]

I still send text to both my girlfriend and her mother. more or less one in a week or two.

Last week, I received long text from her mother. In the mail, like Kay advised me, she also advised me to have fun and just pray for them. But what I was a little bit surprised was that she asked me to guide her in life and show her best way, make her life meaningful and worth living…. What should I do ?

I already replied to her mother with long text but I did not say anything about them.

Text from my girlfriend is also changing. She told me she cannot meet me but love, meet, appreciate….those word are in text..it is first time ever since.

[kayc]

I'm not sure exactly what she wants, but I'd try to take my cues from her so long as she isn't jerking you around. Not that she'd intend to, but it does happen when they're confused. You have to do what is best for you.

[Texyman]

Kay, I am thinking if it would be wise to send a letter to her. So not just keep the door open but write what I am thinking about her now. Of course I will not send too much...

[kayc]

We had completely severed contact for several months after our breakup, but when we resumed contact, I learned less was better and I totally took my cues from him...still do pretty much after four years even! If he calls, I talk, but I do more listening than talking. He doesn't text and rarely emails so it's mostly phone. We usually only see each other at HIS initiation, which is rare, but occasional.

[Texyman]

Kay, talking on phone is good because you can listen. my case, we only communicate by text. I do not call her and she does not as well. But what does he talk to you on phone ? only small talk ? or about you? you do not have anything you want to talk ?

[kayc]

We talk about things in both of our lives, just like we used to, only without any love/romance. I follow his lead about frequency, etc.

[Texyman]

Okay, Thank you.

From your post, I know it was. but still only lives? it is very long journey, kay.

End of this month, I have to stay my old office for one or two days, very close to my girl friend’s house. Should I tell her or her mother ?

[kayc]

You might want to call her mom, what can it hurt? As long as you don't set yourself back emotionally with the contact. How do you feel about it? Do you have apprehension or fear about contact? If so, I wouldn't. Do what is best for YOU.

[Texyman]

I just wonder if I should follow their lead like you.

I will not go for dating with her and won't talk romance. I will inform to her mother and wait for her responds.

[Texyman]

I sent text to her mom last Friday but so far no response. This result is what I anticipated. But Kay, Thanks for your advice.

It won't send text to my girlfriend. but how should I understand the situation meant one side she told me she loves me and on the other side I can not participate any services even I can not meet with her ever since...It is really long journey.

[kayc]

This is one of the most difficult adjustments one can make, my heart really goes out to you. I know how hard it is. It's like there is a double standard...she can say she loves you but you aren't allowed to, and she gets to call the shots but you cannot. You learn that when they say something, they may not mean it in the way they once did. It's so hard interpreting what they mean and what that means for you! It's all rather ambiguous. It all feels unfair yet at the same time, it's really nobody's fault, it just is. It's a very hard thing to go through.

[Texyman]

I said in previous post that I just want to finish my role as boyfriend and lead her to right direction.

But now I realised that I still expect something else. That's why my heart start to pain again although your compassion helps me a lot.

I will travel to near their house in the end of November but I will keep silent for the time being.

Maybe I will send a card just before I leave the place.

[kayc]

I think if you search and are quite honest with yourself, you will know what you need to do...and what you need not to do. You are astute.

[Texyman]

I feel that most of time her heart and brain are full with her boys and no extra room for me and sometimes there is small room for me and it is suddenly disappear...and I feel she still feel guile to contact me.

[kayc]

I can't help but feel she still cares about you but there's just no room for anything but mourning her boys right now, that is very understandable. It's very hard on you though, because her loss is creating YOUR loss. Perhaps one day you can be friends, it's hard to predict the outcome. The journey will be long.