Sundays Are The Hardest...

[Donnacas]

We usually stayed home on Sundays and lazed around watching movies. I'd pile up in my husband's lap and we'd laugh and snuggle. It was just our day to be together. It's been five sundays now without him and each one is harder than the last. I have a picture that I found of a close up of his face where he's looking directly into the camera. It isn't an 'I love you' expression, or anything, in fact, if I remember correctly, its more of a 'why are you taking my picture' face but it looks like he's looking right at me, so I like it. I keep looking at it and wishing he'd talk to me. No real point to this post, I'm just struggling hard right now and need to tell someone. He'll be gone a month tomorrow and it's just getting harder for me instead of easier. I was being able to hold it together but it's getting difficult to continue keeping my composure. I need some sort of relief and can't seem to find it anywhere.

[kayc]

You don't have to keep your composure, in fact, that's too much pressure. Let it out, cry, scream, write out your feelings, it's okay. I remember going way out in the woods and just screaming at the top of my lungs...it felt good. I feel tears are the release valve on the pressure cooker that we have now become, without which we'd explode. It helps me to look at it that way and remember it's okay to cry.

I have a picture of George and I up on the wall...I don't like the picture of me but it's so handsome of him so I leave it up anyway, I enjoy looking at it. But he's starting to look so much younger than me, so it's weird, because I'm aging and he's not.

Weekends have always been the hardest for me but now it's just like every other day, nothing defines my days any more since I'm no longer working. And of course since I'm without him EVERY day and he should be here retired with me, it's all the same. I'm used to it now but it's truly not the same and never will be.

[Donnacas]

I know it should be ok to cry. I want to cry sometimes just so I will have some release, but somehow, I feel like I can't. I can't do it with the boys at home because I have to be strong for them. I can't do it in front of others, because its been ingrained in me not to show weakness in public. I can't do it alone because I might never stop. I know it's all in my head, but I just can't help it.

[mfh]

I have never, in 40 years of doing therapy, seen a person NOT be able to stop crying even though they feared that also. You will stop crying and it is a release. Do you have a girlfriend that you could visit and talk and cry with? I understand what you mean about Sundays. That was Bill's and my day also. We purposely did not schedule things 95% of the time so we could just enjoy each other be it a road trip, a movie or cooking together, whatever. Sundays tend to be the loneliest day for many people who grieve. I think so many people are with their families on that day and unavailable. Eventually you will schedule something on Sundays even if it is an hour or so out with your kids or with a friend. But it is early yet. Just know we understand. You never have to have a point to your posts. Sometimes it just feels good to say something here.

[MartyT]

There are a lot of "can'ts" in your most recent post, my dear. When it comes to crying, I wonder what would happen if you substituted the word "won't" for the word "can't" ~ perhaps it is a choice you're making based on your fear that once you let those tears come, they will never stop. Mary is absolutely right: It is physically impossible to cry without stopping at some point.

I invite you to read this piece, including the articles listed at the base: In Grief: When Tears Won't Come

[ohsosad]

I'm at 6 weeks since Steve died and the tears just flow and flow. I have cried in front of every stranger I've seen when out shopping or buying gas or going to the bank or whatever errand I've had to do. I've sobbed walking down the grocery store aisle. I've bent over the grocery cart. It just comes and I can't stop it. I don't care who sees me or what they think. I'm in so much pain. It's still not real that he is gone forever.

Rita

[Tonyswife]

In the early days I did nothing but cry and I didn't try to hold it back. People understood. Unfortunately, a year later I do tend to hold it back until I'm alone as I think people will think I should have moved on. But it's very early days for you and it's healthy to let the tears flow. No-one will condemn you for it.