Did Anyone Else Do This?

[Donnacas]

I don't want anyone to get the idea I'm suicidal because I don't have an intention of harming myself at all but I really need to know if anyone else had these daydreams after they lost their spouse...I keep falling into these fantasies that I get into a car crash, or suddenly fall ill and die. When I die I am reunited with my husband and he is so happy to see me and tells me he's been waiting on me because he knew I wouldn't be far behind him. Then I snap out of the day dream and feel pretty devastated for a while after.

Is this normal? Because it's wonderful while it happens but then a little scary afterward because I want to be careless about things because I feel like it doesn't matter. I guess I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy...

[MartyT]

I can assure you, my dear, that you are not going crazy. I'm sure many of our members will tell you they've had thoughts similar to yours. In the meantime, you might find this article helpful ~ and be sure to see some of the related articles whose links you'll find at its base: Thoughts of Suicide in Grief ♥

[feralfae]

You are not going crazy. I think constructing stories where we are reunited is pretty common. Your means are a bit more graphic and imaginative than some. I did it for months and months.

I imagine Marty and Mary will have more informed comments to make about this. But, yes, of course we want to be reunited, and since our cultural mindset says we must die to have that reunion, I imagine more than a few of us add that part to the story.

I hope your dreams settle down into ones a little more peaceful, and not involving your death. I think the fact that you recognize that this might be an aberration of grief is a good sign you are not crazy.

Peace to you, dear one, and to your broken heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

see? even as I was typing, Marty came to help

Edited August 30, 2014 by feralfae

[kayc]

I felt like that in the beginning, but then when I thought it through I knew it wasn't that I wanted to die, it was I wanted to be with George and I didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through with him gone. I reminded myself of the people that would miss me and my faith, and I got through it.

It helped a lot when I learned to "tap into" George inside of my heart and memories and draw strength and comfort from him. Our love remains even though he's not physically here right now.

[SadLynn]

Donnacas,

I said the exact same thing to my counselor as you said. I wanted to make sure that they new that I was not suicidal but that I had thought a lot about my death. It is definitely part of the grief journey. I had to make a decision about my life and it was easier to dream about my dying than about my living. I felt that it would be so much easier to die and go and be with my husband then to live here without him. I knew that as much as I wanted to have a choice that I did not. I was left here to continue living my life and to continue to love my family and be strong in my faith. I also knew that my husband would not want me to die and that he told me many times to live and to learn to love again. I am a work in progress but I know longer think about or dream about dying and I know that you have the strength to continue moving forward in your grief. I describe grief to my family as being a addict. I think it is a lot like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. Death makes you go cold turkey. I will always want my drug of choice, my husband, but I have to learn to live without him. I will always be addicted to him, but I will have to fight each and every day to overcome the longing, craving, desire, etc. for him. Sometime it is overwhelming and I think that I can't make it a second longer, but I take a deep breath, say a prayer and get through the moment and somehow the overwhelming moments get further apart. You are stronger than you feel and you will moment by moment cry, crawl, walk and run your way through this grief. Your sister in grief.

Donna (Sadlynn)

[kayc]

Apt analogy, Donna. I'm nine years out and I'd still like my "drug of choice", George, but I've learned to do my time without him.

[melina]

It's normal. I had thoughts of suicide and fantasies of death, though I never felt impelled to act on them. I still think about how much easier it would have been to just leave this world and move on to meet my husband. But I have children. Even though they're young adults, they shouldn't have to lose two parents.

Congratulations on your first student teaching day. That shows strength, even though it doesn't feel that way now.

[Queeniemary]

I think we all have similar feeling to some degree. I have never considered suicide, but the idea of dying holds no fear for me at all. I just know I will be going to Mike. However, I will not make that decision. I have become a little less fearfull about doing things here on this earth. I am braver, will drive to places I would not have driven before. Rode in Mini Cooper races as a passenger on crooked Ozark roads, sometimes reaching 100 mph (only one race). Losing the fear of dying makes one a little reckless. I got scolded soundly by family, but I loved the feeling of speed! My best scenario is to go to sleep one night, and wake up with Mike.

QMary