ailee Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 It was Monday October 20th 2014, I can hardly let my thoughts go to that day, right now...I made it through the funeral and for 36 or so days I've been going through the motion of living in a world without him. We were married for 46 years. He was sick for the last four years and I was his main caretaker, at home on a ventilator and mostly unable to do anything for himself BUT together we had hope and now all that is gone. i miss him dearly and still worry that he.s not being taken care of even though he is gone. i miss the man he was before his illness too. I don 't know if I will ever find my way back or even if I want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Oh, my dear ailee, I am so sorry for your loss. You are so deep in raw grief right now that I know you can't think about anything but whether or not he is being taken care of ~ I am glad you have found yourself here ~ we listen and care and understand about the deep sadness you are going through right now. It is good to talk and share what you want to here. Many of us know about caregiving and long marriages. We are here for you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Yes Ailee. We are like you. My beloved Pete died after 50 years of happy marriage. I've found this site has helped me connect with people who understand a loss which can never be got over, but we have managed to somehow carry on with help. You are so raw and new in your grief now. Please tell us all about yourself and your husband. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisWife Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Ailee, I'm glad you found us here all going through what you are experiencing. This is a safe harbor in which to find a bit of calm and comfort. None of us wanted to be here but because we are, we have shared our sorrows, questioned our futures and found hope. I lost my husband of 31 years in February of this year and am at a much better place now because of this site. Come here often to find peace. -Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Dearest Ailee, I am so glad you found us and can have a place to share your heart and loss. We know here what it is like and while no too losses are the same, we are here to love and support you while you go through this overwhelming and painful time. Please share as much or as often feels good to you and know that we are here and that you are never alone. Much love and big hugs, AnneW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 3, 2014 Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Ailee, I am so sorry you lost your husband. My heart goes out to you, especially as I hear you say, "i miss him dearly and still worry that he.s not being taken care of even though he is gone." Even with all you're going through, your concern is for HIM, and that speaks volumes about your relationship. You were his caregiver the last few years of your life, and it's hard to stop being a caregiver when they're gone, it leaves a void in our lives that on top of missing the person, now we find ourselves floundering for identity and purpose. It's true, we can't compare losses, and every loss is valid and hard to go through. We'd like to be here for you on your grief journey, if you'll keep coming back. Would you feel comfortable telling us a little about your husband? When you're ready, that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailee Posted December 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2014 Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement.... Yes, Bob was a special person very personable, smart, movie star-handsome, wonderful father to a daughter and son and my very best friend in the whole world. Ours is a true love story, we met shortly after Bob's return from Vietnam and married five months later. His twinkling vivid blue eyes painted my world and captivated me through our life's journey together. Even now they're somehow giving me strength. When he was ill and couldn't verbally speak, he spoke with his eyes. ALS was a thief that robbed us of every aspect of our life, day by day , moment by moment we were helplessly drowning and yet we still had hope. Where did we find the ability to carry on, to hold on to hope, to think of traveling to our favorite place on earth " Grand Canyon" I.m not sure where that hope came from, I only know that in oder to survive I will need to find again. "YOUR LIVING MADE IT EASIER TO LIVE, YOUR DYING MAKES IT EASIER TO DIE" . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 What a beautiful tribute to your Bob, ailee…Thank you for sharing that with us. He does indeed sound like a very special person. I am so sorry that his life was taken from you and the family. I loved how you told about Bob’s “twinkling vivid blue eyes” and how he continued to speak to you through those eyes. You will find the strength you need to hold on to any hope by holding onto the memories you have shared. Writing about this does help as does coming here to share your story. We are listeners and we understand this journey you are on as we are right here with you trying to understand our own journeys. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 Ailee, Your signature is thought provoking...we all understand. I've never heard it phrased that way before, but it's so true (living made it easier to live, dying made it easier to die). It's taken a long time for me to find my way and LIVE, but it's not the same as before, it never will be. Still, I try to enjoy and appreciate what is. I love how you speak of Bob, it shows you were in love with each other, something so special and rare it seems nowadays. You'll learn to draw strength and comfort by reaching inside of you for him when you most need him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 "YOUR LIVING MADE IT EASIER TO LIVE, YOUR DYING MAKES IT EASIER TO DIE" Wow, Ailee, that quote is so powerful and so meaningful to me. I know we have to carry on, and I've been doing so for over two years since my beloved Pete died, but I live half in this world and half wherever he is. Don't get me wrong, if you saw me talking, laughing, playing with our grand daughters, walking the dog, you would think I was fine. But when we lose the person who made everything meaningful we cannot help but be changed utterly. Your love for Bob shines through. I'm so pleased you have found this place. It helps me so much. Your pain will be acknowledged. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailee Posted December 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 I'm trying to find who made the quote....I remember someone saying it when I was a child at Gramma's funeral and I have never forgotten it. I'm so impressed with the insightful compassionate souls I have found on this site, I'm more convinced than ever that struggle truly builds character and strength. I can very much relate to "half in this world and half in wherever he is" afterall that is how we shared our life on earth too. Bob traveled all over the world, sometimes I went with him, sometimes not but we were always together. Sometimes I pretend he's just off working somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted December 4, 2014 Report Share Posted December 4, 2014 That truly is a meaningful quote. Really strikes home. We get up each day and go through the motions, but it is such a struggle. Sometimes I think this is just a nightmare and I will wake up and he will be there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 Ailee, I have found that to be true, I have gleaned so much from this journey I can't entirely wish it away...although if I had a choice, I'd gladly grab George back in a heartbeat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 8, 2014 Report Share Posted December 8, 2014 My dear Ailee, I am so very sorry for your loss of Bob, in this physical life. I also love the phrase you used. It rings so true for all of us. My own dear Mike will be gone from me 5 years in January, and while I miss him everyday, and so wish for him to be here, I also have managed to survive, and you will too. It is one step, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Do not think of the future, just get through the moment. We all here, understand the grief, the total raw hurt in the heart. Sometimes I thought I would never live through it, but I did, and so will you. I identify so totally with what Jan said. If you ask my friends and family, they would say I am fine, that I have "recovered". I enjoy life, spending time with grandchildren, family and friends. My brother told me recently that he and others think of me as their hero, for the way that I have kept moving forward, enjoying friends, being busy. I am a false hero, but it is because they do not understand. The pain and the grief will never go away, but Ailee, it will get easier to bear. This is a great place to come for support. I found it in April, after Mike died in January, 2010. I have made so many good friends here, and found such support and help. You will also. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailee Posted December 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2014 Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Bob and I came together from less than perfect childhoods; together we were able to build success, security and much happness. He was such a powerful force in my life that I never saw this coming, even his illness didn't stop me from thinking I could make him better. I feel like I'm just waiting around for him to show-up again but then logic takes over and then pain, then panic,then crying. Thanks again. Ailee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 8, 2014 Report Share Posted December 8, 2014 Ailee, This is the hard phase, the dying a thousand deaths...each time you think he'll walk through the door and he doesn't, each time you think he'll call and he doesn't, each time you think he's on a trip...but he doesn't come back, it hits you afresh that he's gone. I do remember going through that. How hard the pain! Let the tears flow, they're releasing. It takes as long as it takes...for most of us, it is a gradual thing, but the missing continues the rest of our life...we do get more used to it eventually and better at coping. Allow yourself to take one day at a time, it's enough to focus on just getting through TODAY and it has the added bonus of helping us be more present in the moment when positive things do happen. Allow yourself to breathe in the smell of flowers blooming, to enjoy a puppy's kiss, the kindness of a friend or stranger. All of these things will help you in your survival. We will, one day at last, be able to join them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailee Posted December 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2014 We will, one day at last, be able to join them! Yes, I hope so KayC It's the only thing that keeps me going.... I've watched Dr. Phil back to back on OWN channel most of the day. Ailee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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