I Feel Like I Can't Do This Anymore

[jamiesam]

This will be long so please bare with me. I am 27 years old now. When I was 14 I watched my mother die of cancer. Last year in august my uncle died of liver failure. The only living family member I have left is my father amd he is dying of copd. Has not passed yet but will be soon. I do have a 4 year old daughter but obviously I cannot share my feelings with her. I truly am all alone on this and its heart breaking. I've never had any grandparents or siblings and with hpw young I am no one aroumd me understands. I've had friends I've been close to since grade school say very hurtful things about me and I feel like I have no one. In march of this year my dad went into upper respitory failure. While on life support he had a heart attack and a stroke. I had no choice but to admit him into a nursing home because he could not do things on hos own anymore. The father I used to have and the father I have now are two different people. In july of this year he had another stroke which just made things worse. And ever since then he is constantly in and out of the hospital. I am driving back and forth constantly to see him and be there for him but to see him deteoriating is just awful. To make it worse he is in a complete state of denial about what's happening he is refusing hospice. So its all on me. I feel like I can't do this much longer. I'm so stressed out with anxiety and just plain exhausted. My own fiance dosent even understand he still has both his parents. I do not wakt to go to work anymore I do but I don't want to. Things that never were an issue before seem like a chore like keeping up with my house. I'm just done. I really need to speak to someone who understands because no one arounde does. I don't know how people do this. How do I keep going when I just want to fall apart. I've always tried to consider myself a strong person but I feel weaker than ever. I love my dad and this has been on going for months now I do not know when it will end. I do believe I am in a stage of grief. Its getting harder to go see him he is also very very demanding. He still knows who I am I can communicate with him and as much as I truly don't want to lose him I can't imagine another 6 months of this either. Please someone just talk to me tell me I'm not completely losing my mind

[enna]

As I read your post, dear jamiesam, my heart hurts for you. So many things going on in your young life. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and uncle. I cannot begin to know how much stress you are under. What I can tell you is that you have found a place here on our forum where you will be not only heard but understood.

There are many things going on in your young life right now and NO you are not losing your mind. You are trying to come to terms with watching your father slowly lose his battle over his illness and this has to break your heart.

Have you been able to talk with a grief counselor? He/she will be able to help you sort out your feelings or perhaps direct you to a social worker who can sit down with you and your father and talk about hospice.

I hope you will come here and express your feelings. By doing this you will give yourself a gift knowing that there are others who understand.

Peace to your heart,

Anne

[jamiesam]

Thank you anne no I have not been able to speak to a counselor. I'm setting that up after christmas. I'm also joining a grief support group as well. My dad refuses hospice my doctor and I have tried to talk him into it and he refuses. Its still his choice at this point. Its just so hard to watch him decline and unfortunately its a slow process with copd. Like I said I have no one. My friends don't understand because they have not been through it yet. I always kind of thought since I have experienced death already that I qould handle my dads better when the time came. And its the exact opposite. Its almost harder. I love him so much.

[enna]

I am so glad that you will be seeing a counselor after Christmas ~ be sure that whomever you see they know about grief.

I agree with you about it being your dad’s choice to enter hospice ~ as one nears death I think it is still a strong point to hold on to any independence.

Being as young as you are it is understandable that many of your friends would not know much about death. There are people here that do and their support will help you to not feel so alone.

I have witnessed many deaths in my lifetime and I thought as you do that after so many losses I would be prepared for another. I was wrong. When my husband, Jim, died in 2012 my whole world fell apart. I experienced a deep pain that I was not able to understand. My soul mate of forty years was gone and I thought my life was too. Each death is unique and we need to mourn for the person.

Grieving for your Dad will be as unique as each snowflake that falls to earth. It does not mean that you love him more it just means that you love him.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear jamiesam,

I am so sorry you are going through so much. I hope that eventually, fairly soon, your Dad will agree to hospice, as it would be a great help for you and a comfort for both of you.

Please do come here are share with us.

Grieving is such an intense and personal journey. Each loss is unique and each loss touches us in a different way. Even if we think we are prepared, we never are, I think. When my Dad died, I thought it was the end of my world, because he had been my parent and best friend for much of my life. Living without him being there to support me, help me solve problems, and to have his love was so very painful.

Then, three years ago, my husband died, and I experienced a whole new level of grief and loss. No matter how much we think we are prepared and experienced at grief and loss, each time we are faced with the loss of a loved one, it is a different experience. I am so very glad you are going to see a grief counselor.

Come here and we will watch for you and give you love and support through this time.

Peace to you through this very painful time, dear heart.

feralfae

[jamiesam]

Thank you both it means a lot to me. Its hard to be around people daily that have no compassion. Most of time it seems who I am surrounded by gets irritated when I try to speak of my feelings. Which is why I logged on here. Its much easier to express your feelings to people who understand the pain. I hope he does go into hospice to from what I hear they are wonderful. But its his choice and even tonight I tired again just to speak of it and he is still not ready. He feels that if he has a surgery in january to clean out his neck (his carotid artery is blocked 95 percent which is what caused both strokes and the heart attack) that he will magically be healed. The problem is not his clogged arteries its his lungs and he just won't see it that way. I know in my heart it won't help much. He is growing weaker and weaker being able to do less and less for himself. Our plan for christmas was for him to stay the night Christmas eve so he can be here christmas morning when my daughter wakes up and share that moment with us however its not going to happen. He will come over for christmas for a few hours but staying the night would be to much. The poor man can hardly stand up. I'm trying to be strong but I just want to cry constantly. My father is also very demanding and difficult. Half the time I go to see him he demands things and yells at me. I know in his heart he dpsent mean it but it dosent make it any less hurtful. I'm already dealing with enough. I'm really not sure which part is harder letting him go or watching him die. I feel like I have a constant state of anxiety I can't even explain. Every time my phone rings my heart skips a beat. He has been hospitalized so many times over the last few months and every time he goes I think is this going to be it? I try not to be that way but deep down I truly can't help it. He has chronic respitory failure and congestive heart failure. Its hard not to be on alert constantly. Thank you for listening. It feels better to be honest about it

[kayc]

I'm sorry for all you're going through, and that you have no one to turn to. I do think seeing a grief counselor will be of tremendous value to you and a good place to start.

Perhaps a hospice person could just stop in and make a friendly hello to your dad and let him know what he can provide...it doesn't mean he has to give up on surviving, it can just be support and help for him, and if he understood it's for you as much as for him, perhaps he could give it a try. A lot of people have the misconception that hospice means "it's over", they can usually help the person understand it differently.

Meanwhile, please feel free to come here and air your feelings, it's a safe place to do so and we're here for you. You've had too much on your plate for too long! As for your friend, have you tried just talking to her about it, and asking her point blank what is wrong and how you're feeling about it? Not understanding about grief is understandable at her age, but a friend should still care that you're hurting and want to be there for you in whatever way she can. I'm sorry you haven't found that to be the case!

You are certainly not crazy, your feelings are normal under the circumstances and I think most who are grieving have a hard time making it through the day, doing what we have to do, working, etc. Your BF may not understand what you're going through, but it might help to tell him tangible ways he can help you. So many guys can be clueless to things that seem obvious to us, sometimes they even feel relived to be given a task that they can handle as they may want to help and not know what to do or say.

I hope you'll keep us posted after you've seen your grief counselor. Wishing you the best with it!

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Jamiesam,

You are so very young to be experiencing this great heartache and burden. I am sorry you are hurting, and are so very tired. I was a lot older than you are when I was caregiver for my mother. I remember how tired I was most of the time, yet like you, I did what I needed to do. We want our loved one to live, yet not suffer.

What you need is another pair of hands to help you physically, and someone to help your hurting heart (someone who understands and who can advise you). I pray someone will come up beside you, and go shoulder-to-shoulder with you to help you. Perhaps if you say outright what you need a friend to do, you will get help. Your friends are too inexperienced to understand how you feel, which calls for a lot of patience on your part, and at a time when you are too tired to be patient. Words don't break our bones, but they bruise the more tenderer parts of us (Spurgeon). I'm sorry your friends' words hurt you.

Of course, I can't know for sure why your father yells at you, but sometimes a sick person yells because he or she is afraid of the unknowns of the illness and of death. Often the yelling is aimed at the person he loves most, because he expects the loved one to understand his lashing out (it gets difficult to not take it to heart though, especially when you're tired). I've been on both sides of this one. Right now, I'm afraid of losing my precious husband of 46 years, and I confess, with shame, that sometimes I become a grumpy old lady. Most of the time, I can keep my grumps inside of me, but sometimes, I fail.

As you said, you can't talk about these heavy things with your precious little girl, yet she can still be a great source of joy and comfort for you. I remember when my own daughter was four. Four is such a fun age (I feel a little bit of envy, for I would like to relive those happy days). My daughter is forty-nine now, and is still at a fun age. We are now close friends and neighbors.

Regarding hospice, Kay's advice is right and good. I am likely one of those who have misconceptions about hospice due to a lack of knowledge about it.

As Anne said earlier, my heart hurts for you. We care that you hurt.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[MartyT]

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to read of your dad's serious illness, and the heavy burden you're carrying on your young shoulders. I hope the comments you've received from some of our members bring you some small measure of comfort, and help you to feel less alone.

I understand that you cannot share all of your feelings with your 4-year old, but that doesn't mean that you cannot do your best to explain to her why you feel so sad or so tired or whatever else you're feeling. Children that age engage in magical thinking, and are prone to misinterpret what they're seeing. They're also very self-centered, and may think it is something they said or did that's causing you to behave in a certain way toward them. It may help, when you're finding it especially hard to hold those feelings in, to explain to your daughter that it's not something that she said or did that's making you cross or sad or causing you to cry. You can reassure her simply by saying something like this: "I'm just very sad that Grandpa is so sick," or "It's not you, Honey. I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad that Grandpa is so sick" or "I'm just really tired today from taking care of Grandpa."

Since your dad is so set against hospice, you might consider talking with his doctor to see if a referral to palliative care is possible. (See, for example, What Palliative Care Means and Patients Turn to Palliative Care for Relief from Serious Illness.) If your dad remains firm in his refusal, however, the best you can do is to respect his wishes and honor his choices for the remainder of his life ~ and let it be enough. I know that is easier said than done ~ but remember that just because your dad is refusing hospice help, it does not mean that you must do so also. Contact your local hospice, explain your situation, and see if there is anyone who can guide and advise you as you travel this difficult path. And keep coming here so you don't feel so alone and so misjudged!

[kayc]

It's very common for patients to refuse hospice, thinking that means it's time to give up. But a good hospice worker can usually explain it to them so they can understand it better and be more accepting of it, I've seen it happen.