Remembering

[Queeniemary]

Today marks the fifth anniversary of my Mike's death. I miss him no less today that I did five years ago when I made the phone call that resulted in my knowing he was gone. I have learned to cope, and life has moved on. Some think that I am not moving on enough, but it is enough for me. I lay in my hospital bed in Physicians Specialty hospital in Fayetteville early in the morning of January 13, 2010, trying to reach Mike by phone to tell him that I would be released the next day. I tried periodically all day to reach him, on his cell and on the home phone. Finally, afraid he had fallen, or that he just forgot to take his phone into the bedroom (he worked nights, and slept days), I called my daughter who would be picking her daughters up from school shortly, and ask her to run by and make sure he was all right, and that he was up getting ready for work. I waited until I knew she had time to get there, then I called his cell phone....expecting him to answer and tell me why he had not been answering all day. Instead my daughter answered his phone.......and my life changed in that instant. I knew immediately that something was wrong, and my daughter had to tell me on the phone that she had found Mike's body in the dining room floor, surrounded by his dogs.

Mike had not been sick, he did take medication, mostly pain meds, for a severe back problem, but was checked out very well every few months, and there was no indication of any heart problems. My cousin, the deputy coroner talked to me on the phone that day, from my house, and told me it was no question that Mike had suffered a massive coronary. He said it most likely happened in an instant.

I put pictures of Mike on FB today, probably seems morbid to some, but I don't want anyone to forget him. He was such a presence, a large man, with a big voice, and such talent in the theater. This anniversary of his death is a milestone for me. I feel things are changing, that I am changing. It just seems impossible that he has been gone 5 years... 260 weeks, 1,825 days. Sometimes it seems so long ago that he left, and sometimes, days like today, it seems like only yesterday. Do not know what my future holds, but he will always be there in my heart.

Looking through the pictures on my computer, trying to decide which ones to post on FB brought back so many memories....all good. That is what I want to be doing going forward.......remembering all the good, and fun and special times with him. I was blessed to have him in my life, and I will never forget him. Tevye to my Golda, always and forever.

QMary

[R.Everit55]

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for how you lost your Mike. I'm so sorry that it's been five years. I pray that you having time today to look at photos and remember good, happy memories, will somehow comfort your hurting heart. He will always be with you, beside you, and in you.

Hugs

Butch

[enna]

What a beautiful post, QMary. Thank you for sharing with us your love of your Mike. I know you are remembering all those wonderful good memories today. Know that we have you in our hearts as you spend time reflecting.

Anne

[shalady]

You are in my prayers. I am so sorry you face this today. I hope you are able to take some quiet time and enjoy the pictures and your beautiful memories. It won't take away the hurt but maybe bring you some comfort. He is always with you, today and every day. You were truly blessed to have such a special man in your life. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady

[kayc]

Mary, hoping you get your alone time to ponder, I will go to FB and look for the pictures. You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

One of the good things about this journey is that while the beginning is pain, eventually we do learn to pull them from inside of us and smile at thoughts of them.

[LadyCarrie]

Mary,

You have gone through spine-chilling shock to, "I feel things are changing, that I am changing." I interpret this changing as progress and reason for hope---for you, for me, and for many others. Although you have suffered tremendously, your words are encouraging and positive. I thank you for them, and will put them into my storehouse of words of hope.

Your Mike sounds wonderful and talented ("Tevye and Golda" give a good visual). We like live theater also (we've been able to attend once since Jerry [husband] went to ER on 23 Jan 2013; I feel like that was yesterday, yet the calendar tells me it's been almost 2 years since I was told there was no hope for him to live). Because Love never dies, you are blessed to have Mike live within your heart until he lives with you again in person.

Finding Mike on the floor with his dogs must have been absolutely horrible for your daughter. I'm very sorry that happened to her.

I'm so sorry you have suffered such shock, and have hurt so deeply. I'm thankful for your progress, and for your sharing your positive and hopeful story (stories) with us. I'm latching onto, and storing up, every word of hope I can.

I will be praying for you as you look at your photographs while remembering your love and happy life together with Mike. I say "will be" for Amberly (daughter) will be driving Jerry and me to Modesto where he will have minor surgery today. It is is a three-hour drive (round trip), so I will have a lot of free time to pray as we travel down the hill, and through the area we call the Land of Cows and Coyotes. In that area, there are a few homes, but mostly rolling hills covered with cows and sometimes, dotted with a few coyotes.

I have told Jerry and Amberly your story, so they are a bit familiar (I'm just becoming familiar myself, so please forgive me for any gaffe I might make). I'm sure they will pray for you also when I tell them that this is a special day of remembering for you.

Blessings,

Carrie