My Dog's Last Moments Were Horrible

[Mushi22]

Elwood was 13 years old, but, for such an old guy, he was in remarkably good health. He was goofy and funny and affectionate. He had friends all over the neighborhood. His dog walker once told me that most dogs are happy, but Elwood was one of the happiest she'd ever seen. He was my guy. He followed me everywhere - when I went into the bathroom he would scratch on the door to be let in. He loved my husband, but I was his mom.

Several weeks ago he suddenly started to have some problems with walking - he would suddenly be almost unable to keep his balance, and would stagger all over the place, and finally sit down and refuse to get up. I couldn't get him to eat anything, not even peanut butter. He was panting and wild-eyed, obviously in pain. Yet, the next day he would be fine. I'd take him for a walk and he'd trot along just as he always had. But I took him to the vet, who discovered that he had arthritis, and that too much activity made it worse. So they gave me pain meds, and we went home, and it seemed to help a lot. In fact, I started adding salmon to his food, and I think the fish oil really helped his joints, because he seemed even perkier than ever.

I knew, of course, that at his age, I was going to lose him sooner or later. And I planned for the time when it was clear that his quality of life had deteriorated enough that I would help him pass on. I pictured having the vet come to the house, give him the sedative, and have Elwood fall asleep in my arms. It made me teary to think of it, but I knew that, having given him a good life, I would be able to give him one last gift, a peaceful death.

Sunday seemed to be one of his bad days, worse than usual. He wouldn't eat, and seemed very lethargic. He didn't even want to go outside to potty. I knew that the time had probably come, and I planned to have the vet come the next day.

But around 10:45 pm he suddenly started panting harder, with that wild, frightened look in his eyes. The panting was worse than it had been before, and I was really alarmed. All of a sudden he groaned and got up and staggered into the bathroom where my husband was brushing his teeth, fell over, and arched his head back, obviously in great pain. Then he convulsed a couple of times, and was gone.

It's only been a couple of days, and I'm beside myself. I know that, even if I had been able to put him to sleep, I would still be grieving, but that it would eventually pass, and become bittersweet. But I can't get the image of his last few seconds, terrified and in pain, and gone before I could do anything for him, out of my mind. I can't sleep. I can't bear the thought that I will never be able to remember the good times, knowing that his terrible end is clouding everything. He was my best friend, and I can't bear the thought that I won't be able to remember him without pain.

If anyone has anything that might help me cope with this, I'd love to hear it.

[jess77]

I just lost my 13 year of best friend too. His last days were not good either, I am sorry to say. He passed Feb. 12 and the first week was horrible. But I found this website the day after he died and it has helped me so much. You need to know he would have rather been with you then any where else in those last few moments, you were and are his mom. You never meant for him to be in pain and he knows that. I got out all my pictures and home videos of him, those hurt and made me feel better. I didn't want to remember his last 24 hours either. I am not very good at writing people but there are so many kind, wonderful people on here that are, they will help you too. I have come to realize that I will miss him for the rest of my life, and I am gonna have good days and bad. But I believe I will see him again and that gets me through some of those cruddy days. I also have been putting some of my stories about Axil and I in here. It makes my heart feel better. I sleep with his old stuffed toy, it smells like him (which isn't the best, but it helps me to sleep). Some of the ladies recommended the rainbow bridge poem. it helped. Look at his pictures and remember him like that, he would want that. We used to call Axil Guy Smiley. Everyone in the neighborhood thought he was the happiest too.

[kayc]

Mushi22,

Your Elwood sounds so much like my dog, Arlie, fun, goofy, loving, more than any dog I've ever seen. I know what you mean when you talk about missing him, it's how I'll feel when my Arlie's time comes.

Sometimes their passage to the next life looks very hard to us...it was like that when my husband died. But I choose to remember all of the years we spent together, the times we enjoyed, the happiness I brought into his life, as well as he brought into mine.

I am so sorry you are having these harsh memories. I think they'll fade somewhat with time, but it's how I feel about my cat's last month...had I known he wouldn't get better, I'd have had him put to sleep a month sooner but they misdiagnosed him. I feel bad that he had to suffer. But I also remember his life and how much enjoyment he had here with us. I hope you can reach the point where that is your main memory...Elwood following you around, being your best buddy.

[MartyT]

Mushi, my dear, I am not a veterinarian, but the episodes you describe seem very similar to what I witnessed in my own dog, Beringer, in his senior years. The seizures he had didn't happen often, but when they did I found them terrifying ~ most especially the first time it happened. His behavior during a seizure matched exactly what you've described: sudden onset of heavy panting accompanied by "that wild, frightened look in his eyes"; staggering, then falling over, arched back, convulsions that lasted a few seconds (but which seemed like forever at the time). One time he was even incontinent of urine. These episodes would last only a couple of minutes ~ and each time he would come out of it just fine, acting as if nothing had happened. Of course the first few times we rushed him to the vet, but she simply assured us that dogs have seizures sometimes. She offered to place him on preventative medication, but because of his age she didn't recommend it. I share all of this with you simply to say that what your dog experienced before he died could have been a seizure, which means that he could have been not at all conscious of what was happening and not in any pain. I don't know if that gives you any comfort, but at the very least I would encourage you to seek a consultation with your dog's vet to see if he or she can give you a professional opinion about what may have happened to your dog. I don't think you did anything wrong in this sad and difficult situation, and I don't think you could have prevented any of it from happening. I think your beloved Elwood died from natural causes ~ and I can assure you that the guilt you would feel in the aftermath of the euthanasia decision wouldn't feel much different from the guilt you are feeling now. You're obviously a good mom ~ and it is only the good moms who feel guilty in situations like this. I am so, so sorry . . .

[kayc]

So very true and well put, Marty!

[enna]

Dear Mushi,

What a delightful description of your sweet Elwood. I can just imagine meeting him on a walk one day and being greeted with a wagging tail and a need to be scratched on his head.

I am so sorry to read about Elwood’s final hours. It is hard for us to know just what is going on with our pets when they start having trouble. I remember how terrified I was when my beloved Benji had his first seizure. I waited for him to settle and when he got up he staggered around for a while and then seemed fine. I rushed him to the ER Vet not knowing what had happened. When I got to the vet Benji was wagging his tail and acting like nothing happened. He even took a cookie treat from the vet. I felt embarrassed, but the vet did tell me that he probably had a seizure. We had tests taken but unfortunately Benji suffered several more seizures before his heart just gave out. The vet told me that Benji did not know what was going on during the seizures so he was not in pain.

I hope that in time you will begin to feel better. I agree that it would be a good idea if you could talk to a vet and perhaps he could shed some light on whether or not Elwood suffered. What a loving mom you were. Do you have a picture of Elwood?

Anne

[Mushi22]

Marty and Anne, I can't begin to tell you how much this helped. I didn't mention it in my posting, but he did also become incontinent. I surfed the web after reading this, and learned that that is probably what happened. I also learned that, while dogs don't commonly die from seizures, it can happen. One article even said that black labs (Elwood was a black lab mix), are especially prone to it. I think now that I will be able to move on, still grieving, because I miss him terribly and always will, but no longer haunted by the thought that he died terrified and in pain. And thanks to everyone else who wrote such kind messages. Marty, this discussion site is a true blessing. Thank you for it!

[MartyT]

Your response just warms my heart, Mushi ~ thank you so much for that ♥