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Moving Forward - My Body Was Afraid Even If My Brain Wasn't

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Good morning. I haven't posted for awhile but I wanted to share some of the steps I've made and the challenge in moving forward into this new life.

I am Fort Lauderdale and I am blessed to be leasing our condo with a marvelous view of the ocean ... however our lease is up in December and I will not be renewing the lease. I will also be putting our house in Indiana on the market 9/10 when I travel home for about 10 days.

Our neighbor in Indiana just bought their retirement home in Sarasota FL. They tossed the idea out there that I might want to rent their house for a little while and let them visit for long weekends and such. I said it was nice to have some options.

I just started attending the Metaphysical Church of S. FL. a couple of weeks ago and had noted that there is a sister church in Sarasota (more established church). So I went to Sarasota over the weekend to see my friends house, check out the city, and the church on Sunday morning. What I hadn't expected was how hard this was going to be for me.

This is about a 3.5 hour drive from Fort Lauderdale to Sarasota. I was in the middle of Alligator Alley when I had a panic attack. I'm driving along and all of a sudden this thought enters my head "you are going to steer your car into the path of oncoming traffic". Along with the though came a flood of adrenaline (if anyone has had a panic attack you know what I'm talking about) and I started to shake. I am replying to the thought "O NO I"M NOT!" but the thought came back "O yes you are". I slowed the car down a bit and pulled off the interstate at the first exit. This is the everglades and for most of these exits there aren't any stores or shops.

So I just slowed the car down and drove for about 8 miles until I felt calmer and the worst of the adrenaline rush was over. Then I turned around and got back on the interstate. Soon I saw the signs for Naples and knew that I'd made it.

However, I wasn't completely clear yet. That afternoon I'm walking in downtown Sarasota by the gulf and this silly song starts playing in my head "I'm gonna git ya, I'm gonna gonna git ya" .... again where in hades did that come from? I don't even know the rest of the words to that song. So the fear started again as tomorrow I had to drive 3.5 hours home and back through Alligator Alley.

That night in my hotel room I realized that it was August 1. Ric had been gone 3 months Saturday. My brain hadn't registered the day when I left home but my body had.

I do feel Ric around me. I feel his energy often along my back and up and down my back. He met me in the hotel room and as I felt his energy I started to calm down, this new surge of anxiety lessen, and I heard in my mind "I love you". I prayed, left a light on, and slept soundly.

In church the next morning, I do go and receive healing prayer. Back in my seat I heard this reassurance "you won't have any trouble driving home). And I didn't. I held onto that assurance. During the drive I was reminded to deep breath every so often - that helped. And my mantra.

I am fearless. Fearless doesn't mean that I don't feel fear or that I'm not afraid. I do feel fear and I am afraid at times. However, to be fearless means that I have Courage to use my fear to propel me forward rather than allow my fear to paralyze me ....

I got home safely but as I drove along the beach I felt sad. I realized that my time here was coming to an end. Fort Lauderdale, as much as I like it, isn't my home. Ric and I came to this city together (we knew he was dying and he didn't want to die in Indiana) but I'm leaving it alone. That hit very hard.

When I got to my apartment the flood of tears broke loose ... but I'm ok.

Ric reminded me that wherever I go he is with me. When I drive from Fort Lauderdale the last time in December, I won't be alone. He'll be there too.

Attached is a picture of the sun peeking out from behind the clouds that day ... the beams of light always encourages me. They feel like God's fingers reminding me that while I'm grieving, I will make it and that love is always there for me.

I hope that my experience encourages someone else to. If so them I'm grateful for the experience Saturday. This was my first solo trip. I have 2 planned in September ...



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Good for you! I am so proud of you! That was quite an experience, and you persevered and made it through it, I think we grow stronger when we do so. I do hope if those urges or voices continue, you'll get help dealing with them, though, I think I would! It must have been frightening, but I'm glad you pulled the strength out of you to deal with it. It sounds like you were under attack. I know not everyone believes that way, but it just sounds like it to me. VERY scary! Yes, I have anxiety, I know all about that. Ugh! I take a low dose medication to help with it as I have GAD and it's for life.

I pray you come to the answers you're looking for as to where to live. This is a big step, you are indeed brave!

I hope your trips in September go well!

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It was terrifying KayC and thank you for the support. I contacted my EAP this morning and have a list of providers to choose from. I sent the list to a nurse that I know to see if she has heard anything about these people ... then I'll make the appointment.

September will be interesting. I am going back to Indiana to see family and friends and to put the house on the market. Then my sister talked me into going w/her to a dental convention in Vegas. I have conflicting feelings about Vegas but it will be good to just have 1:1 time with my sister.

The following week I decided to attend a workshop by James Van Praagh in Austin.

If I'm to help others, as you and the other more advanced members do, then I have to do the work to heal ... or I cannot help anyone.

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Suzanne, I am so glad you're going to get some help, it is just so hard being out there on our own sometimes, as if we're out on a limb. I hope you have a great time with your sister, I can relate, I love seeing my sisters! What is the workshop about? I hope you will share with us what you take away from it.

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I am going to see the medium James Van Praag. For me Friday is watching to see how it works and Saturday is the workshop. I will definitely share for anyone who is open to mediumship.

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Dear Suzanne...

Like you, I feel Mark's spirit across my shoulders and on the back of my neck. Sometimes it is MUCH STRONGER than others. It was validated when I had my meeting with Theresa Caputo in June. I am not sure if you can find but I talked about the entire visit and the messages I received from Mark. I would love to share it with you. My husband was SO SMART about getting his messages to me...he knew I needed to hear it.

Edited by MartyT
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Suzanne! It's good to see others venturing out and taking those brave steps. Indeed Ric is with you and you are not entirely alone. My experience with a medium was powerful and quite true. It is not a myth. They really can reach loved one's. The proof is when you go. I heard things no other living soul could have known.

Love the pic!

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Maryann I did read that story after you posted it and I was so jealous! I didn't start really meditating until 7/3 ... and now I'm hooked.

My struggle has been with reconciling past religious teachings with how my life and my spirituality is changing. My sister will say "what are you reading" and I'll say "Adventures of the Soul" and she'll say "Oh". She'd really croak if she knew that I had Dr. Brian Weiss's book "Only Love is Real" talking about past life regression. I find that I just want to see what people have to say about everything ...

I will tell you booking that course in Austin was such a struggle for me as I battled the should I or shouldn't I routine. Finally I just hit the submit button and I was committed. Then I went to book airfare and accidentally booked it for San Antonio ... not sure how I made that costly mistake. I got the hotel right though :)

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So you'll be in Texas? Prepare for the heat...pack cool clothing. And as for the change in your beliefs, do what brings you peace. Part of your journey may take you places you have not witnessed before. If you ever need anyone to share your thoughts or questions regarding what you feel, I would be glad to listen.

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