Trying To Cope

[MissingMalibu]

I just had to put my baby boy Malibu of 15yrs to sleep just 2 days ago. I dont know how to handle this. I keep feeling angry and guilty and questioning my decision wondering if he had more time, if it was too soon, feeling like he thought maybe I was betraying him or didnt love him enough or maybe I shouldve tried harder. My brain just wont stop. I keep remembering those last few minutes and it breaks my heart and remembering that last tear that rolled out of his eye as he slipped away. I can literally feel my heart breaking

My Malibu was a mix of Pit, Lab and Chow. I had him for 15yrs, from the moment he came out of his mommys belly I knew that was my baby boy. He was always such a happy boy.

Since last Winter he has been having issues with his back legs going out to where he could barely get up and walk. He still tried to get around though by pulling himself with his front legs. He got to the point where when his back legs went out he couldnt control his bowels and he was having accidents regularly and even just laying in it cause he couldnt get up. He fell down the steps to the basement twice and I had to carry him up. Some days he looked so tired and embarrassed like he just couldnt take it anymore and he was done. Other days it seemed like he wasnt ready and trying so hard to be normal. He still ate like normal most days, still loved treats and attention. I finally made the decision to have him put to sleep because I knew he probably wouldnt make it thru another winter and I was afraid of finding him hurt from a fall or getting stuck outside and freezing to death.

I cant get those last few moments out of my head, like he wasnt ready or that I was betraying him. Maybe he had some time left.

I just dont know what to do. My daughter and I keep thinking we are strong and doing okay and then we just break down. I know its only been 2 days and its expected but I just dont know how to handle this. Its killing me. Im just so mad at myself thinking I shouldve tried harder but I know there was nothing to help him. We would just be putting off the inevitable. I know everyone says it was the right thing to do but I just cant stop questioning if it was.

His last week he was spoiled and loved more than ever. And his last day, he spent with my husband and daughter while I was stuck at work. He tried so hard to act normal when we could tell he was just wearing himself out. That night, he had a dinner of steak and ice cream. My 8yr old daughter laid with him watching movies and eating ice cream and I spent the night on the floor with him. The next morning before the Vet showed up at our house he started shaking like he knew what was happening which broke my heart. He tried to protect himself and his home by barking at the strangers intruding his space. And then he was gone. I took him to my dads to be buried with his mom and sister.

I just keep breaking down and my mind keeps going back to the what ifs and last few moments of life. Im trying to focus on the good but its so hard when I feel so guilty and angry for making his final decision

[MartyT]

My dear, i am so sorry to read of the death of your beloved Malibu, and I know from my own experience how heartbreaking this must be for you and your family. I can only tell you that the guilt and the anger you are feeling now is almost universal, given the circumstances you describe. For animal lovers, this is one of the most painful and difficult decisions we'll ever have to make, and it carries with it a truckload of guilt.

I invite you to read this article, and I hope it brings you some comfort and understanding: Pet Loss: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision ♥

[Persie]

Hi,

I know exactly what you are going through. We had to have our 15 yr old dog Rosie put to sleep in April. It was the worse day of my life.

I cried, am still crying, about our decision. We got her when she was 11 wks and had her for 15 yrs. Then on the morning of

April 26, she had a stroke at our home. We took her to the vet and he suggested putting her to sleep. I also wondered for along time

if it was the right decision. We didn't want her to suffer any longer, she would not have wanted that either. This site is so

wonderful, a lot of great people, to come to. You will find that you are not alone in this grief, many people are here to

support you. Take care.

Persie

[kayc]

I'm so sorry for you in the loss of your Malibu. He was likely responding to something he sensed in you rather than feeling betrayed. He knew you loved and cared for him! Steak and ice cream and sleeping on the floor with him...how could he NOT know! You had him uppermost in your mind even as you had to make the hardest decision of your life. God be with you in your sorrow.

[Copperpot]

I am so sorry for your loss. Its perfectly normal to feel all that you are feeling. Its going to take a while to process everything. I am still crying every day about the loss of our dear Chester. Even so, there are many times now that I can remember the good times and feel a bit of closure. I didnt think I ever would! You will too, in time. I also believe the Lord is caring for our loved pets and that we will see them again. It sounds like Malibu had an excellent family that adored him. Praying for peace & strength in this difficult time.

[Marj37]

I am so sorry to hear about our lovely Malibu. Even tho I am a cat person I know the heart wrenching feelings of having to let our

furkids go. There is nothing like it - and it is sad and difficult and lonely and many other things.

You have come to the best place on the whole planet. All here are so supportive.

And crying is good.

Thanks for showing us the picture of your kid!

[Critterdoll]

My heart also goes out to you during this very sad time in your life. What a cutey your Malibu was! I just lost my Spooky a little over a week ago, so I

understand how you are feeling right now! I also love dogs, and have had a couple many years ago who I still think about with a measure of sadness.

All our babies are precious, be they canine or feline. They were all sent to us to love, and to be loved by, unconditionally on the part of both. That is

why it hurts so, so much when we lose them. Unconditional love is the purest form love there is, the same way God loves us, and that is why He gave us

these beautiful creatures. They represent the same kind of love that God represents. And also because of that, I believe we will see our beloved pets

again when our time comes. Why would God eternally deprive us of the pure love He gave us on this earth in the form of our pets.

MissingMalibu, speak your mind anytime your heart is heavy and you need a shoulder to cry on. We are all here for you. Everyone here is so genuinely

caring and understanding. I was welcomed with open arms by this group, and you will be also!

~ Mia ~

[LadyCarrie]

Hello,

I am so sorry you have lost your pretty Malibu (pretty name also), and are hurting so badly. My heart goes out to you. We have lost two precious Doxies within nine months with kidney disease. All of us here care about and for each other, so we will care for you now also. I am not up to writing a lot today, but want to let you know I hurt for you.

Hugs to ALL of you.

Carrie