Where do they go ?

[debi.williams]

Hi everyone, I lost my beloved partner and father of our wonderful 15 year old son less than 1 month ago. He collapsed on the floor telling me he felt dizzy. I am British and live in Brussels, Belgium. My French is not so good but my wonderful man managed to tell me the number for the ambulance. It was the last words I ever heard him say. He was rushed to 2 different hospitals with me and my son following each ambulance, numb with shock. The following day his friends started to arrive and his one cousin who lives in Europe. My son and I never left his side. We held him and cuddled him and told him we loved him but he was in the deepest of comas. The doctor said there was no brain activity and I had to take the heartbreaking decision to release him. I begged for a sign and a single magpie came and sat next to me in the garden of the hospital. One for sorrow. They turned off the machines and we prayed and he died 1 hour later. He truly was our North, South East and West. He was 49 years old. We are lost totally lost without out 'Daddylou' he showed us unconditional love. Some days I can barely breathe for the pain. His shoes on the stair, his favourite fruit still in the fridge, his toolbox, his pictures, his jacket over the chair. All the words left unsaid, all our bright tomorrows gone in the twinkling of an eye. I have no family whatsoever now. I lost my beloved mum a year ago, my grandmother before that and before that my father. 

My wonderful 'rock' held my hand as I buried my family one by one. He held my hand when we gave birth to our son. He always held my hand. I have a leaking boiler and little money. We didn't have much financially, just enough to get by but oh did we have love in abundance. Our dreams were not big ones but they were ours. Where do our loved ones go? How is it possible that one day they are here filling the room with their wonderful characters and big personalities and then there is silence? Where does all that love go? I am praying for a sign (I had one from mum)  How on earth do I go on? How on earth do I bring up our sensitive and fragile son up alone? How will I cope financially? Where is my beloved ?

 

Thank you for listening XX

[kayc]

Debi, I am so sorry.  I felt the same when my husband died.  I felt like the world came to an end and I didn't see how I'd survive.  That was ten years ago.  I can tell you I never missed a meal and somehow you do get by.  It's all overwhelming right now, try to just get through one day at a time.  Coming here helped me tremendously, I was about three weeks out when I discovered this site.  At least it's a safe place to express yourself and know you're heard.

Did your husband have family that could help?  Do you have a job?  I pray for clarity of mind as you go through all the paperwork.  I don't know the laws where you are, only in the US but I made mistakes in the beginning, I remortgaged my house to pay the doctors/hospital/ambulance, years later I found out I wouldn't have been responsible for those bills, but at the time the hospital was calling and putting pressure on me, threatening 29% interest that I knew I couldn't afford.  I learned to ask questions before doing anything, but a little too late.

I am just so sorry for your loss and that of your son.

[scba]

Dear Debi, 

KayC is right, try to get through one day at a time.  I'm still coping with my loss after a year, sometimes evading, other times fully recognizing my pain.  

Where do they go? Where are they? I wish I knew. I wish there was a window to heaven, where we can look at them and maybe wave our hands if no other contact is allowed. Things would be easier for us. Why God hasn't thought of it? 

My MIL had a dream in which his son told her that he "comes and goes" and "travels a lot", he even showed her his "favorite spot". A friend of mine has recently lost his father, and he told her more or less the same on her dreams. That he travels. Where? Here? There? They haven't given an answer. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

[debi.williams]

Dear Kayc and Scba,

Thank you both so much for your loving kindness. Your support has already warmed my soul. We are members of a 'club' that none of us wanted to join. A kind friend took me to the supermarket to do some shopping because alas, my son and I have to eat and I felt like a zombie walking around. I asked my son if he would like roast chicken (also his dad's favourite) and when he said yes I chose a very small one because now there are only 2 of us...It is always the little things that cut through your heart isn't it? My husband's larger than life character filled the house and when I put the key in the door and he wasn't here I was overcome. My son and I sat on the sofa weeping. My husband always did the shopping with me, he did everything with me because time not spent together was time wasted in our eyes. Do you think it is better to have known such love and lost it for it only to cripple you or perhaps never to have had it and therefore escape this pain?

Kayc, your advice is very wise. I will try my best to not make any hasty decisions. I am so sorry you had to remortgage and it is terrible that so much pressure was put on you by of all people a hospital. Not very compassionate. Did you try and recover any of the money? I do have a job but the rent of our house is very expensive for one person, but I just can't move yet. It takes all my energy to get out of bed knowing that today will be the same as yesterday so moving is too much and also I feel it would just devastate our son. All my husband's family are in different countries including California/Texas/Germany and Iran but I must say his friends here have been phenomenal.

Scba, I love the idea of a window to heaven. Maybe we are not allowed that because we may live our lives differently if we knew....The dream sounds wonderful. Do you think when he said he 'comes and goes' he means to visit us on earth? I think it is somewhere beyond the veil but just where I wish I knew. We will all know in the end of course. I know my husband would be devastated that he left us so quickly like this and I feel sure he would visit if he could. Maybe our grief prevents it...

When my mum died last year both my son and I were sitting in the garden quietly talking. It was about 3 weeks after her funeral and our hearts were broken. It was a warm June and early evening so very light. I had been talking with my son about his 'Gandma' (his nickname) with whom he was so close. She was also the best mum in the world and very close to my husband too who had lost his when he was 7 years old. My son began to tell me about a blue light he could see and then got very emotional. I could see nothing. A few moments after he started panicking saying that there was a gas leak in the garden as he could see a wall of haze and bouncing light. Again I could see nothing. I tried to walk to where he said it was but he told me it was too difficult to place as it was 2D. I sat down again and we continued reminiscing and then I looked up and there it was in front of me just as he described. This time my son could see nothing. My mum had come to say goodbye. I pray my husband does the same.

 

Thank you both so much X

[scba]

I think our grief prevents us to "see" better what we, in fact, cannot see. I had many dreams about my boyfriend in the first months. He's been out of my dreams since 3 months. But I feel he's around when a specific type of bird shows up or I hear it singing, it coincides with the moment I'm thinking of him. I want to believe that he's trying to say he's here. It takes time to accept signs because I'm very rational. I never paid attention to birds before until these birds showed up many times.

In my MIL's dream he never said what means with here or there. 

I copy-paste a poem that I found by chance:

And if I go, 
while you're still here... 
Know that I live on, 
vibrating to a different measure 
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through. 
You will not see me, 
so you must have faith. 
I wait for the time when we can soar together again, 
--both aware of each other. 
Until then, live your life to its fullest. 
And when you need me, 
Just whisper my name in your heart, 
...I will be there.

Ascension copyright ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock

 

[debi.williams]

What a beautiful, beautiful poem. Thank you so much for posting it.

 I totally understand the connection with birds.I am sure it is your boyfriend connected to your heart so that he knows when you are thinking of him.  My husband loved birds and was always feeding them. None of his birds have been back to the garden since it happened. It is almost as if they know. Like you I am a rational person, but I have experienced so much of death and 'felt' so many things that I now don't believe there is any such thing as a coincidence. When something happens even something small, I believe you just know, I believe our loved ones have ways. The hardest is the sheer physical space they leave. The sound of their voice and the touch of their hand. I cannot contemplate life without him but I know somehow I must, but all that is sweet has gone. His aim was always to encourage me to be the best I could be, he asked for nothing in return just to be loved. 

If there is nothing beyond the horizon then what is all the love for? For a fleeting moment in time? I can't accept that because it would mean that all that is beautiful in this world is for nothing.

[scba]

I believe that animals "know". When my uncle passed away, his beloved dog followed him soon afterwards. When I moved out to my parents' their dog has been sleeping next to my bed every night.

I also experience the absolute absence of my boyfriend, he was THE ONE. I cannot even put in words what he ment to me and how he had enriched my life. I still cannot accept that he is not around. But love does survive, stays and transforms. It is contradictory, at the same time I feel Ive been cheated by love. There must be something at the horizon, but it's still too early in our journey to know. One day at a time. After a year it has become also one month at a time,I see nothing beyond. Love will be transfromed and will keep transforming us. I'm sure it is transforming them. My boyfriend is the most sacred thing I have  in my heart and I must be his. this journey is an act of faith, I've been told. But it definitely hurts. 

[debi.williams]

I totally understand when you say your boyfriend was THE ONE. He will always be the most sacred in your heart because you shared in the words of Shakespeare 'such stuff as dreams are made of' He must have been a remarkable person because your loving kindness shines through as does your passion. I believe too that animals know. They are not bothered about all the stupid things we have to deal with in life, they are pure creatures and can probably see through the veil.

I met my partner relatively late in life at the age of 35. He came from an entirely different continent and it was an amazing twist of fate that we even met. He used to ask 'where were you all those years?' I would respond with 'I was here waiting for you' We use to wish we had met earlier of course then we could have had more children, we used to joke that we would have loved to have 10 children and a small bus to transport them in!  I woke this morning with the usual thud in my heart and the words 'oh no' in my mind as everything comes flooding in. Every day is like a little death. I wake many times in the night and 'hear' his footstep on the stair. I once had a nightmare so awful as a child that I remember it clearly to this day. I lost my mum, dad and grandmother in a tram crash. I remember the feelings of horror and fear so well even as I write. Now - although not via a tram - it is all true and my beloved has been added to the toll. The love I had from all 4 people I am praying will sustain me. Many of my friends have said 'you had a love few people experience' well that's true but oh my god when it's gone. That is why I cannot believe it just disappears into the ether. People say you have your memories but what good are those if you cannot reminisce with the person you shared them with? It's like losing your voice when you are desperate to sing. 

I know it is one day at a time because that is all we can do. But the days are endless without him. He would take me to work in the morning, often bring me a sandwich at lunch and pick me up every evening. He would call or text me 3 or 4 times a day. He would hold my foot as I lay in a dentist's chair. We would put our heads gently together at traffic lights. He knew me and I knew him almost as if our souls were so familiar from another time. He was loving and kind to everyone he met. He was a man of great gentleness and strength. As I sit and write to you Scba the silence is deafening and heartbreaking x

[Froggie4635]

Animals definitely know. My three dogs never sit more than two feet away from me. Our Pongo, the first dog we adopted together wants to sit in my lap at least three times a day, and he weighs 45 lbs.  I am sure he is missing his daddy.

I have been without Mark for almost 9 months now. I don't cry as often as I have been doing, but I still get knocked with big waves. I still feel like I am just existing. By Friday I am drained from wearing my brave face. I have hope now that the temps are beginning to get closer to fall and will perhaps feel like doing things. I started crying the other day after watching a Bayer commercial...so the triggers still come. I know I would not have made it so far without my fur babes. 

 

[debi.williams]

Animals and very young children have a 6th sense. They cannot express themselves in the way humans/adults do so they show it in other ways.

I am so so sorry for your loss of Mark. If you feel able can you tell me a little about him? It has been 9 months so I imagine Maryann you have had to survive anniversaries and holidays. How did you cope? In 3 weeks it is our son's 16th birthday, what do we do? Only 4 short weeks ago we both said to each other can you believe we have a wonderful almost 16 year old boy......

I understand the brave face because I will have to begin work next week (it is less than 1 month since my wonderful man passed on) and I am dreading it. I have many supportive colleagues - ironically I am the 50% boss of a small company - and they are colleagues to me not employees and they have all been wonderful. One of them is coming round to our house in an hour, but even so a 'boss' cannot sit weeping. My partner was so involved in helping me and my business partner set up the office and he bought orchids to wish us luck. They are everywhere in the office. He had such green fingers and everything he touched grew including my soul. He came to see me at least once a day, he built us doors for separating rooms at the office, he put our desks together. The office was his home from home too. He dropped me off and picked me up. He helped when we had 2 robberies to hold me together. There is no escape, no place I can go without memories, without seeing his gorgeous face so proud of me.

[Froggie4635]

Debi,

On the calendar it is almost 9 months; in my heart, it is like no time has moved at all since Mark died.  We married later in life.  It was the first marriage for both of us and after 5 years, we still felt like newlyweds.  We were married Valentine's Day 2009.  It was harder anticipating our anniversary than it was the actual day.  I spent time with friends, and went to church that evening with his mom (not a regular church goer, but I know it helps her).  I had a harder time on my birthday; my colleagues have been so great through this and they still wanted to do something nice for my birthday.  Well, I made it through lunch, but when they had a cake and all came to sing, I fell apart.  Mark always did so many things to make holidays and birthdays special and I missed him so very much that day.  I miss him so much EVERY DAY.  Mark died from a heart attack, and before the paramedics arrived, I had to give him CPR/chest compressions to keep a pulse until they arrived.  I will NEVER forget that.  Some days are better; I can even find things that make me smile and chuckle.  But the heaviness never stops.  I have been lucky, because summer did not hold too many emotional triggers, because we never did much in the summer.  It is TOO HOT here and neither of us handled it well.  As for having colleagues see you cry, don't worry about that.  You will need to feel your feelings...holding them in will only bite you in the butt (sorry for the visual).  I have developed a ritual, and it has helped with my grief outbursts.  Saturday mornings, after I see the weather and have some coffee, I turn off the television and put in a music cd with special songs to me.  I will sit and write in my journal, and let the feelings come and cry as long as I need to.  If I feel exhausted, I gather up the dogs and we go and lay down.  I am REALLY ready for my Saturday morning, because I can feel the emotions just right under the surface and will be surprised if I make it through today without a grief outburst.  I am past due for some time off (longer than a weekend).  We have had our annual audit the last two weeks, and I wasn't able to take some extra time.

Mark and I were married here at the facility where I work, and he was a huge part of my everyday, so I need the brave face to keep going.  I am very hard on myself, and try not to make myself feel like I am wallowing.  It isn't easy.  Even my grief counselor had said I was far too hard on myself.  I no longer look for Mark to come walking out the door or wait for his call at lunchtime.  I know he is gone...I saw his body.  I believe the shock and fog is slowly lifting, and I am faced with the fact that I will be without him the rest of my life.  I know I can survive it, but it is NOT the life I want.  I was so happy and content; now I have to learn a new way to be and I HATE it.  Mark died December 4; Christmas last year was a blur.  I was so still in shock.  His birthday is December 2.  I made sure that I am going to be off around that time of year. They say to allow yourself to prepare; maybe do something completely different to observe the anniversary.  Perhaps for your son's birthday, you can do something to honor both him and your love.  I have read so many books on grieving and loss.  They are helpful and sometimes give ideas of ways to honor and celebrate. Whatever you choose to do, be gentle to yourself. 

[kayc]

I have that poem on my wall, my sister bought it for me after George passed away.  I love it.

It was one or two years before I had any dreams about George, I used to wonder why I didn't.  Then when I finally did have one, I was mad at him and demanded to know where he'd been all this time!  When I woke up I was upset that he was gone.  

I definitely feel glad I had the time I did with George and would pay any price for one minute with him.  I would not undo anything to spare myself any amount of pain.  He was worth it.

[Smudgie]

Debi, so very sorry for you terrible loss, I know the pain you feel.

"Do you think it is better to have known such love and lost it for it only to cripple you or perhaps never to have had it and therefore escape this pain?"

I can only speak for myself, but  I would never have missed a second with my soulmate and would have endured all the fires of hell for the time we had together. The price of that love seems almost unbearable but totally worth paying.

Peace and love

Simon

[debi.williams]

You are right  To have had the privilege of such love. He was my everything my reason to breath. We know this you and I because we both of us had it. How lucky are we? how unlucky to have lost? The pain...... oh my god the pain ...the pain i t even it males me walk differentlty  xx