people are shocked at the depth of my pain (general vent)

[Harleyquinn]

I haven't told many people in my life about the death of Michael (my ex husband- I am trying to use his name more although each time I say it or type it my eyes fill with tears) 

Most people in my life now were not in my life when we were married

the few people I have mentioned it to really don't know how to react, which I don't blame them but although I only found out about his death a week and a half go they are already looking at me like i should be over it.

i'm not "over it"...nor will i ever be "over it"

I see no future for me at this point.... i drive down the road and imagine crashing my car, because only in my own death will i be able to see him again 

I sit at work - and couldn't care less about the job i am supposed to do 

my moments of peace right now are too few and far between

 

this is only made more complicated by the fact that i am remarried....i was remarried 3 years before Michael passed.... why should i be allowed any kind of happiness in my future when Michael was denied that 

Edited September 15, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[Guest]

You should seek out some medical attention as suicidal thoughts are nothing to ignore, regardless of the reason.

With that being said, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story made me realize that I will too, someday, mourn the loss of my children's father - even though we've long divorced and remarried, unless I die first. My kids will mourn that loss as well. It's not something I ever thought about honestly. 

Grief is a monster, but you can't let it win. 

[kayc]

Cindy is right, as someone who lost a loved one to suicide, we view it from the standpoint of the survivors.  It's nothing to procrastinate, I hope you will seek professional help quickly!  We can tell you that you do have a future, but you are likely to dismiss us as you don't see it right now.  What you are experiencing is grief, same as the rest of us, but you are fresh into it while we've been dealing with it longer and see that much of the grief journey is about choice and focus and learning and going on.  I felt as you did when my husband died, but then I realized that it's not that I don't want to live, but rather that I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived, namely, going on without him.  I did though and I'm glad I didn't put my family through that.

Yes, you do deserve to live and have a future, all of us do.  The fact that he is denied that doesn't mean you shouldn't have one.  I can't talk you into or out of anything, but I do hope you'll pick up the phone today and make an appointment with a grief counselor.  You can't afford not to.

Feeling like you do at work is common.  When we're newly in our grief, it's hard to find a point in anything.  That's why we need help seeing what we're unable to on our own.

[Harleyquinn]

thank you both for your replies. although the thoughts are there, i don't believe it's something i would follow through on. However, I have been looking for a grief counselor and/or grief support meetings. hopefully i will be able to find something soon that fits within my schedule 

[iPraiseHim]

  What you are experiencing is grief, same as the rest of us, but you are fresh into it while we've been dealing with it longer and see that much of the grief journey is about choice and focus and learning and going on.

Kayc, this is the best concise,statement I will remember about our grief journey. Thank you. Shalom

[R.Everit55]

Harleyquinn you have my prayers.  

Butch. 

[Harleyquinn]

Today was hard..

I left work early bc I couldn't handle the stress on top of my emotions today. 

I've started speaking to Michael outloud, mostly while II'm driving.....I talked to him on my way home

I came home and fell asleep on the couch... I jerked awake about 30 minutes or so after I fell asleep in almost a panic.....for a split second I forgot he was gone...and then I remembered........

[kayc]

I talk to George all the time, sometimes out loud, sometimes just in my mind.  I write to him too.

"for a split second I forgot he was gone...and then I remembered........" that's one of the hard parts about being early into this, eventually we realize and don't get hit over and over with it.

[Harleyquinn]

i ended up going to the gym and working out as hard as i could

i feel a bit better now. i've found some peace for the moment....

i won't lie, i feel a little crazy when i'm driving and i'm talking to him outloud....some of me even questions if i am losing my mind. but it seems to help

Edited September 17, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

You're not losing your mind...or if you are, you have plenty of company.

Exercise is a wonderful way to get ourselves into a more positive state.  It really helps to take care of ourselves, it gives us the best possible chance of getting through this with any positive outcome.

[Harleyquinn]

so i am at work... i work at a large company that likes to do these, "get to know your coworkers" events. today's is, they passed out pieces of paper with someone's middle name and you are supposed to find the person with that middle name and get to know them

someone walks by and places a paper on my desk... the name on it is, Michael.... i about got sick when i saw it. sigh. 

now i get to go off and train classes for the rest of the day. hopefully i can keep it together

Edited September 17, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

That has to be hard.

[Harleyquinn]

Well I made it through the day at work. My day was not without tears...but I made it...sometimes just surviving the day is all I can hope for

[kayc]

It is a good goal for now.  I'm glad you made it through, I hope you can unwind this evening.

[Harleyquinn]

I'm going back to the gym tonight. I feel so peaceful afterwards. Like I've gotten all the emotions out. I know that's mostly the endorphins and part of me actually feels guilty for having that even if it doesn't last (I know...I really have to work on my guilt issues) 

[Harleyquinn]

Today was a tough day but I made it through. 

I want to thank everyone here who have been so supportive. sometimes when i read through threads here I feel like I am intruding, like i don't belong here because Michael was my ex husband. I think about our marriage and there are so many regrets...why didn't i try harder...why wasn't i stronger..... If i knew then that he only had 6 years left, would that have changed my decision.....absolutely it would have, that is the cruel pain of hindsight i guess. 

Michael and I were soulmates...he understood, accepted and loved me like no one else. His drug addictions and constantly putting himself in danger was just too much for me. Even when we separated we knew our lives would forever be intertwined.

I am blessed to have been loved by Michael. Even if it wasn't forever. I am blessed every day to have the memories to hold on to. We had a love that a lot of people spend their whole life searching for- and I would give my entire life for one day of the love we had. 

what is hard for me is I have no identity in his loss. I am not a Widow. There is no mention of me in his obituary. I seemingly have no place. I am the ex wife who loved him more than life itself...

Edited September 21, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so isolated and alone in your grief, which is just as real as anyone else's here. Yours is the loss of a dream, and I hope you will give yourself permission to mourn this loss. I invite you to take a moment or two to read this piece, and take to heart its message: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream  

[kayc]

"Widow" is just a label, you are in your heart, and I imagine in his also.  Try not to be so hard on yourself, you deserve and need your understanding, just as you'd give it to someone else going through this.

[Harleyquinn]

Marty- thank you so much for that article. It really was helpful- and made a lot of sense. I never dealt with the ending of our marriage, because to me he would always be there. never, in my mind, would there be a world or a life without him. and suddenly he is gone, forever. 

 

Kayc - thank you for understanding, this is exactly why i continue to come back. I would say, if anyone had the chance to ask Michael- he would absolutely say I am his Widow. He continued to refer to me as his wife after our divorce. In his eyes, paper or no paper- I was his Wife. 

[Froggie4635]

Two "W" words that describe the same person in different phases...Wife and Widow.  I LOVED being a Wife.  Mark and I, even after 5 years of marriage, would teasing call each other "Wife" and "Husband"...in that newlywed kind of way.  Last night I got hit hard while watching an episode of "Mike and Molly".  There was a line of dialogue where she said that he still gave her butterflies when he walked into the room.  I felt that same feeling until the day Mark died.  That little tremble inside that the love of my life was there, and all was right with the world, or at least my little piece of it.  I miss that feeling so very much.  The other word, "Widow", is one I never really thought about, until that fateful day.  Some days it is a very HEAVY mantle to carry around.  It is coming up on 10 months, and I STILL find myself having a difficult time believing it happened. It is not from avoidance, because every day is proof he is gone. I just still can't believe it.

[kayc]

I felt that way about George too, Maryann.  Even now, just thinking about him...

[Harleyquinn]

I don't know what is worse sometimes...feeling like the pain will never end...or the fear that one day it will and I will forget......

[debi.williams]

Dear Harleyquinn, you will NEVER forget so don't worry about that. Such love you feel for Michael can never die, it is eternal.

Maryann, I so feel for you. Your words are so beautiful. The 'little tremble inside'. I remember the tremble well. I just loved kissing my husband! Can I even say that? He was the best kisser in the world, so sweet and so tender.  My husband worked nights sometimes and I couldn't really rest until I heard his key in the door, then all was right with my world. I lay awake now knowing I will never again here the key and that somehow I have to make the world alright for me and my son alone. I can so identify with you when you say 'every day is proof he has gone' It is unbelievable, that is exactly how I feel. There is a sense of unreality to it all. Kayc I know you understand. 

[kayc]

Harleyquinn,

It's true, you'll never forget, so you can lay that fear to rest.

[Harleyquinn]

i think i am actually getting physically ill from the grief. last few days i've had chills and today i am just sick to my stomach all day (although i ate a grilled cheese sandwich earlier which was yummy and about the only thing i could stomach)