Gwenivere Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 We all read so much saying we are not going crazy but we keep feeling it. I saw my counsellor yesterday and said it was the only word that truly describes how I feel and how frustrating it gets at times to constantly be told it is 'normal'. She said...OK, then you are crazy with grief. At last! I just want to be able to say it. Scream it or whatever. It's like political correctness. Sometimes it goes too far. After a year I am going crazy without my soulmate and no one can tell me I am not. I still get thru day after day and am not delusional. I just want to use the most descriptive word and that is it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Gwenivere - I agree! We all are crazy! We're manic depressive, emotionally unstable, we cry at a word, or a picture, or an idea, or a piece of junk mail made out to our loved one, or an aroma/scent, or a commercial, a song, a scene from a movie/book and that's just today. Tomorrow will bring a whole new set of triggers; the pharmacy, a restaurant, a grandchild who will never really know G'ma Watchie. Every time I start to think I might survive just barely I find myself reduced to irrational tears. Sometimes they're cathartic; sometimes emotionally and physically draining. It seems the harder I work at surviving, the more challenging my grief gets. YES we are crazy. Our lives; everything we are, has been scrambled. I've lost my self; I'm lost and I just am hanging on desperately wanting normalcy to return but knowing that it will never come back the way I want it to. You are not delusional, you are in the new here and now. But you are getting through each day, after day, after day and so am I so I guess that's about the best those of us who have lost our senses can hope for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Yes! I have no description for my mood swings....sometimes memories make me laugh...other times the same memories make me cryI really am going crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 My friend took care of her husband seven years after a massive stroke. She makes it by reading her Bible, having faith in God, and praying. Somehow my screaming into a pillow only gave me a headache. I have done this 3-4 times and it always hurts my head and accomplishes nothing.. He is not coming back and I did not want him to go. Then I saw where this blind woman lost her mate of 70 years and had to move into a nursing home. She had the room described to her and she said she loved it. She just wakes up in the morning loving each day. I see Billy's picture and I cry, but it is all I have of him to see. So crazy we are and somehow I don't think I am going to get any sanity back at all. Still, I used to be religious and when I had my cancer, I told Billy I felt so lost, I could not pray. Then he told me the story of the shepherd who has 100 sheep and one goes astray. He leaves those 99 sheep for that one lost one and Billy helped me get my religious feelings back. Now they are gone and I want to find them but get angry at God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) How's this for delusional (crazy). The sun has risen and set every day since the begining of time. That's 23,074 it has risen and in an hour it will be 23,074 times it has set in my lifetime alone. At any minute the sun is rising and setting somewhere in the world. And I am certain that the sunrises and sunsets are spectacular almost every ssingle time. BUT for the past eighty-five days I walk to the lake and sit and watch the sunset. I take pictures and I send them to my children and together we give Deedo credit for the beauty; as if there was never a beautiful sunset before she passed; and say goodnight to this wonderful woman. Now cognitively I know that Deedo has nothing to do with the sunset. Light from the sun has been refracted and reflected off of particles in the atmosphere since the beginning of time. But my delusions allow me to communicate with my soulmate and share that moment with our kids. There is nothing wrong with taking leave of ones senses if it helps one find one's way through this nightmare. More crazies? I wear my wife's wedding ring on my left pinky finger so it's right next to mine and every morning when I wake up I kiss it as I look at one of the dozen pictures I have of her on the walls and say "good morning my love" I can't look at a picture of her without saying either "I love you!" or "I miss you!" So yes I fully qualify for being classified as crazy. Edited October 22, 2015 by Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 I don't think a person here would argue with you about that, Gwenivere. We all recognize the craziness that is grief, because we're each in our own way feeling "crazy with grief" too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 I thank all of you for your replies. This craziness has gotten so out of hand it frightens me. I look back on everything I got done over the last year and am amazed. From legalities to yard projects. Even had some intense health problems that required many hospital trips. Someone wrote in some thread here about the 2nd year being harder. I feel some switch has been flipped and now the things I did just intensify the reality I am alone now. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't care about anything. I've never had to push myself so hard to do the simplest things. And as Brad said, the triggers just keep coming, down to a piece if mail with his name on it. Having no family or close friends makes this a harder challenge. Even as I sit here writing this I wonder why I bother. Maybe I was counting on that magic year thing. That accomplishments made during that time would empower me. All I know is it feels like I die every day over and over again. The strong woman everyone called me over the years of care taking and the year he's been gone has vanished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Gwenivere, my dear, I invite you to read this (along with the Related Articles listed at the end), as it offers some information I hope you will find useful: Grief in The Second Year: Finding Your Way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Thank you Marty, I'm going through my second year. Although I don't feel intense pain all the time and I can engage in activities, I feel sadness under the surface. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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