Pain when I'm alone

[Kpl48]

I feel such pain and anguish when I'm alone. When I'm interacting with people my intense feelings subside. I pay attention to others rather than to myself. Alone at home the emotions return. I stay in my bedroom and cry. I ask God to help me. I ask my dead husband to help me. I become immobilized. 

I may have shared this before. I never imagined being without my husband. He's been dead a year. I'm grateful he lived a year from the date of his diagnosed with lung cancer. We had a good final year with each other. I knew life would be hard without him. Thankfully I'm financially OK, but I'm filled with such sadness. 

I know it's impossible, but I pray to have him come back to me. I feel he is with me in some unknown way. He's helping me to build friendships and a new way of life. With his help I'm doing the best I can. Last week I sorted and threw out a lot of paperwork. This week I bought boxes to pack some photos and knicknacks away - I will pay my friend I trust to help me do this. I'm working towards redecorating my home. 

I feel redoing my home might help me fit better into this new life. I could be wrong. We had wanted to get a new floor and new paint. I want to replace our easy chairs. I rarely sit in the living room because my husband and I spent so much time in those chairs. I have more I want to do. This will be a slow process...maybe. I know these changes won't take my memories or my grief away. 

I want to feel better when I'm alone. This will come in time. Sometimes I don't believe it will happen. I miss my husband so much. I'm so aware of that when I'm alone. I do better in the evening and at night. It's 5pm now so I'm beginning to relax. It's helped me so much to share with all of you. 

[kayc]

It has gotten better for me.  There will always be hard times, like when I'm sick or laid up, or in need of his help, and of course finances are always tight.  I miss his holding me, I miss talking things over with him.  I just miss him.  But I'm okay with being alone some of the time, that's better than it used to be.

[Kpl48]

You give me hope!

[Margm]

My friend Hettie's worse time is around the 5:00 p.m. time.  Right now my worse time is anytime I am awake, and sleep is so fitful.  Someone said this grief is exhausting.  It is.  Why can't we be so exhausted we sleep?  So, I guess trying to sleep is my worse time.  I don't want to think about him gone, and even though my granddaughter gave me a big, tall stuffed dog, and I put Billy's shorts and sleepers on him, I of course know Billy is not there.  We were never away from each other for 54 years.  My despair is no worse than anyone else.  My doc gave me papers that probably everyone already has, or Marty has posted.  "A long period of depression (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes.  It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later."

My mom never seemed to go through this.  She seemed "free" and was able to get rid of my dad's things easily.  She fixed up all the time, actually took up with a boyfriend from before she met my dad, but finished that because he put her up on a "pretzel".  My mom had a way with words.  Anger is an emotion also.  She acted like he had left her on purpose.  Another friend of mine did the same.  Another acquaintance started dating almost immediately.  I think my mother-in-law took up with the funeral director.  These are life's exceptions, some of them funny, some of them you just plain wonder about.  I guess it was their way of dealing with grief.  Maybe.

 

[Gwenivere]

I think we all have 'witching hours'.  There are times of the day I just know are going to be very hard to get thru.  When they don't happen it is such a relief.  But I have no illusion they won't return as they always do right now.  I am at a year also and fending off the 'magical milestone' people that think some transformation happens and we begin an upswing when in fact we are hit the hardest about the reality of being alone.  We all want to feel better about being alone, but when you think about it, how realistic is that after years or decades in sync with someone else?  We will adapt, but not quickly.  It's a whole new life and one we didn't ask for.  Nor did they.  

The sleep thing is quite baffling too.  To feel such exhaustion just living day to day and find we can't count  on that to refresh us.  I'm already trying to figure out what to do with an extra hour with daylight savings ending.  I used to love an extra hours sleep.  Now the last thing I need is for a day to last longer.  

[Kpl48]

I attend a weekly grief group. Grievers can stay in the group as long as they want. Several women in the group had husbands who died several years ago. They were left financially destitute. This created additional problems other than their grief. One of them is getting married to a widower she met in the grief group. She advised me to put my wedding ring on my right hand for some unknown reason! I felt startled and very uncomfortable after she told me this. My wedding band is still on my left hand where I want it to be until I might decide to do differently. 

For some reason these women rarely talk about missing their husbands. They do talk about how the doctors, hospitals and rehab centers caused big problems. Two of them tried litigation. They do express anger and frustration. One of them shares her memories. Other members lost their older children, their sisters and a mother. We all listen to each other, share our experiences and give loving support to each other. The Grief Healing Discussion Group members share in much deeper ways. Maybe it is easier to share the deep stuff online? I'm grateful to be in both groups. 

As I've shared before, my worst times are in the mornings and when I'm alone. This mornings sadness was curtailed because I had a support group to go to. After the support group I came home and got back into bed. I was in very bad health for about six years until the year before my husband died. He took care of me, did all the driving, cooked and kept the house clean. I did the bills and paperwork. I couldn't walk well during this time, so we didn't go out much. We lived in our own little world.

During the year my husband had left before he died, I had two knee replacement surgeries and reached a healthy weight which got rid of various medical conditions. I was able to walk again. I started driving, cooking, house keeping, and going out more. He got to see that I was going to be able to care for myself. About 6 months after he died, I started being unable to do stuff around the house. Whatever I cooked I couldn't eat. I stopped taking my little dog on walks (he has a dog door open to a nice dog run area so he does get outside). I began staying in my bedroom only when I was home. 

This has gone on for about six months now. I feel immobilized! I think this might be because I miss him so much. Now I don't seem to be emotionally able to take care of all the things he used to do. Doing these things just reminds me that he is gone for good. A few weeks ago I finally got a professional cleaning service to deep clean my home. I had my dirty clothes cleaned and pressed at the cleaners. I had my small yard area cleaned. Next week I'm having the house cleaners back and a neighbor has agreed to wash my windows and do some other work for a reasonable price. I have a trusted friend I pay to help me with my personal stuff. Thankfully I have the money to get this help for myself. Hopefully I can do more myself as time goes on. 

Right now I'm in bed watching TV. I cry off and on. I miss my husband so so much. I often want to die thinking that would end this awful pain and that I would be with him again. I know my job is to build a new life. I've made a lot of new friends and I go out every day. If I stay home all day, I'm depressed all day. I want to be able to enjoy and take care of my house. Where I live I have mineral pools and wide open spaces to walk in. In the last 6 months I just don't seem to be able to do much by myself. As I shared, I do get out with people every day and that helps me. It's when I'm home alone that I have such a hard time. 

[Guest]

Mornings are also my hardest time. As the day wears on I find more distractions and just get worn out. Evenings mean I'm closer to sleep and while the sleep is restless, it is still sleep. 

Right now I am battling bronchitis and recovering from minor surgery to my hand. While somewhat common this is the first in thirty-seven years where Deedo hadn't cared for me. Her absence is poignantly felt. 

I'm too sick to hand out or even eat Halloween candy and that is sick. 

Edited November 1, 2015 by Brad

[kayc]

Kristine,

It feels like depression...but it's grief.  Is there another grief group you could try?  It seems it depends on the group of people there and the leader.  Maybe it is harder for people to open up to strangers in person than on line, but it really would depend on the group.

I recently started taking a "food supplement" called SAMe.  It has helped tremendously!  400 mg is the daily dosage but I only take 200 mg.  It helps mood, joints, and liver, all three which I need!  I can't know if it's helping my liver or not, but it's definitely helped my joints (and it's the rainy season!) and mood...I feel more motivated instead of this low level depression I've had since George died.  It is something our body already has but some people need more.  I prefer taking something natural like that.

What you are experiencing is totally normal for grief.  It can take a long time to reinvent your life, to feel purpose and motivation again.  At least it has take me a long while, so try to be patient and understanding of yourself.  I'm glad you're able to hire help, I wish I could, it's hard struggling so much.  You will always miss your husband but the pain will lessen eventually.  Understanding that walking will help you feel better and thus cope better, try to force yourself to take your dog for walks. It's not only about them getting exercise (us too!) but it's an "experience" for them...they like sniffing and peeing on things, seeing different sights and hearing different sounds.  Just as we get bored staying in for weeks at a time, so they do too.

 

[Gwenivere]

I think the wanting to die is so common.  I felt that way for a very long time.  In the beginning it was for 'selfish' reasons, to escape my pain.  I don't think of it as much now, but when I do I want to so I can be with Steve.  That is the belief, tho there is no guarantee that would happen.  But the heart overrides anything in grief.

i also found I could get all the things done that used to be a part of our partnership.  At the moment they were done I felt a brief triumph.  But it does remind us that these were better shared triumphs and lasted much longer because of that.

i have to get out every day too.  I may have to come home alone, but I need to be reminded the world is there and waiting when I can more fully rejoin it.