Holidays

[Ceili]

My elderly mom died 8 1/2 months ago. The past few months I have been doing quite well. I have been anticipating the holidays having heard that the intensity of grief on those first holidays can be very difficult. Today I realized that it is one week until Thanksgiving and the rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet. It feels as if every step forward that I have taken, has been taken away times two. I had no big plans for today (which is a bad idea) and I have been crying all day. I feel like a kid. I don't feel like I have the strength to get through this...Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, New Years, my birthday. And finally, the first anniversary of her death on March 4th. I just made it through the anniversaries of the deaths of my two young daughters ( many years ago) I am overwhelmed and have cried so hard that at times I can't breath. I am very close to my sister but she and her husband are out of town until Thanksgiving day. I am back into the "bargaining stage" begging for mom to come back, which I know can't happen. Mom was always the center of my family holidays. What is happening to me? I do suffer from depression but have been on a new med for 4 months that has really helped. Friends and family have been telling me how great it is to see me happy, laughing. I had a good day yesterday and today....Bam! I want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel like I am going crazy. How can I run away from this?

[kayc]

Try to make some plans with someone and take one day at a time...try not to look at all of the holidays before you, one at a time is enough.

I had plans to go to my son's but now they're predicting very cold weather and snow so it looks like I'll be home alone.  Was supposed to get together with my sisters and daughter the day before but that looks out too.  It's a bummer, but we have to try and make the best of it, what choice do we have?

[Ceili]

Thank you KayC. I do tend to take on too much at once emotionally. I just miss her so much. But I felt better and know that I probably will again.

 I hope that you don't have to be alone on Thanksgiving. Know that people on this forum care. Thoughts and prayers for you.

[kayc]

Thanks, it'll be okay.  I missed the holidays the last couple of years...the first for injuries, the second for surgery, and I was hoping this year would be different.  Oh well, at least I have my dog!

Our emotions take a wild swing, up and down, when grieving.  What I've learned is that it never stops (I'm ten years out) BUT it has less frequency and intensity as it evolves and we learn to cope with and adjust to the changes in our life.  I hope you start feeling better, thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

[hollowheart]

Ceili, the awful thing is grief comes when it wants. I too, had a couple of good days and I wished I could stay on that wave forever so I hate when I fall back into that pit of despair and want to do just like you said--crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there. Maybe even wishing that could turn into a time machine and take me back to happier times. I feel like I'm going crazy too and it's from loneliness. I think reading about the anniversaries has me panicking, so I want to say to not worry about all the upcoming things looming ahead as it will surely drive you mad. Me and my Ma's birthdays are both in December and my sis was the only person who made a big deal so I will miss her caring touches as well as her presence.

I hope you don't have to be alone for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It does sound like you have some friends and family you can be with. I also think you should do some things you like to do so you are not thinking so much about how they are not here to enjoy this or that or they are missing out. In a small way you will just be enjoying yourself for your own sake.  

It's so ingrained in us that Holidays are all about family, and when we have had those traditions for years it's hard to form new ones.

Kayc, I'm thinking about you too. I hope the weather lets you get somewhere. Can your son come to you? But I'm guessing that's not an option.

You guys take care! I have a feeling I will be on here on Thanksgiving day myself.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, since the title of this thread is "Holidays," I want to alert you to some resources that have been mentioned elsewhere in our forums, just in case you've not yet run across them:

Free online webinar on Navigating the Holidays with Peggy Haymes

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2015

[kayc]

HH, My son won't come here because his wife wants to host the holiday events and her family is coming. Before he was married he used to come home and my daughter and SIL would come here as well.  It will be what it will be and I'll make the best of it.  Thanks for your interest though!

Marty, Thank you for posting that link, I'd thought about it and then as quickly as it entered my brain...forgot.  

[hollowheart]

Marty thanks! you always offer the best resources. I have clicked on a lot of links you have shared. I'm still not looking forward to the holidays, but I'm thankful to have found this site and thankful to you all because I know I hijack threads that don't involve sibling loss (unfortunately that thread is not so active) so I feel a little out of place in some forums, but everyone has been nice and understanding. And I thank you for it.

[MartyT]

You are so very welcome! Posting where you feel comfortable is not considered "hijacking" ~ Clearly your sister was your Significant Other, and you are welcome to post wherever you decide will meet your need for understanding and support. 

Since I last posted here, I've stumbled upon a couple more resources, the first of which just moved me to tears. There are so many wonderful suggestions "out there" at this time of year, and I so hope you'll avail yourself of some of them. Here are the two I found just this afternoon:

Holiday Candle Lighting and Cooking via Open to Hope

Free Webinar: Getting Through the Holidays via Open to Hope

[hollowheart]

Marty, thanks again. I think I have looked at just about everything Open to Hope has, lol. I found them on YouTube when I was trolling for anything about sibling loss and they had the most abundant resources on the topic and it was nice to find something so specific.

[Stargazer]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this message board. I'm so glad I found it as what I've read has really resonated with me. 

My mom passed away August 11th of this year,  and I've just been devastated. She had dementia and I took care of her, eventually she had to be placed in adult foster care. 

I'm an only child and although I'm 55 years old I feel like I'm 10 years old. I cry all the time.

My job has been compromised because of sleep issues and a possible neurological issue, yea me! 

I too, just want to hide under the covers. I can't figure out how to live in this world without my mom. 

I keep trying to find my "new

normal" but it just keeps eluding me. 

I miss her so much and would do

anything to bring her back. 

 

I'm seeing a therapist and am on anti-depressants but this  just feels endless.  The holidays and dark winter days don't help  

Thank you for all your sharing it

helps soooo much to not feel 

alone.