Symbolism

[Margm]

Symbolism is no more idle fancy or corrupt egerneration; it is inherent in the very texture of human life:  Alfred Whitehead

When I was so very ill, both times over the past 33 years, I leaned upon my religion, my faith.  I admit, I saw things during this time that gave me hope.  This was during the time that the Christian religion was predominant in the south, and I watched for "signs."   The M.D. Anderson community of hospitals was a vast complex with heart hospitals and other big hospitals in Houston.  I felt bereft of my faith and Billy reminded me of the Bible story of the shepherd who would leave his 99 sheep in search of that one lost sheep.  And, Billy was not a man who preached religion, but at a time I needed my faith, he brought it back to me and I was comforted.  On the way for my final results of all the tests, one of the many modes of transportation in this big city had a billboard on the side that said "I am Jesus Christ, I will give you health."  This passed directly in front of us and made us slow down.  At the time Billy did see it, but in later years he would not remember seeing it.  Ghosts, supernatural things, Angels, they were not part of Billy's belief system.  A very long story, and mine are long enough anyhow.  

This has always been a part of my life.  And now, when I want to see "signs" of Billy possibly communicating to me, it just won't happen.  Maybe later.  

I had Billy cremated, as I want to be myself.  Everyone has their own belief in how to handle these things.  Just like Frank Gifford did not want a funeral service, neither do we.  I have been to too many of them.  Right now I have his urn next to his brothers, who passed away in 2001.  My girlfriend takes her husband's urn to family gatherings and sometimes in the car to talk to him.  In reality, in some people's reality, they are gone.  In our reality, we take some comfort in this symbolism.  But, I am still waiting for him to speak to me, to make me feel him.  I know in reality that cannot happen, but imagination was such a part of my childhood and sometimes in adulthood.  I believed in Angels.  I want to believe again.  Maybe, and I know God understands, when I get rid of my, perhaps anger, with God for taking Billy, maybe then.  Maybe when I least expect it.

I realize not everyone's religion is the same, or even if a person has religion, but mine has been important to me and I am waiting, watching, and praying I can find my faith again.  Billy always could help me, but "the one left must stay" and I am the one left.

[debi.williams]

Margaret, your words are so beautiful. I have never been a regular churchgoer but I was educated at a Church of England girls school and there we had to attend regularly. I was never sure which path exactly to take so I created my own. Praying every night - without which I simply couldn't sleep. I keep this up when my Mom died in 2014 but after my husband I simply couldn't pray any more. Still can't, not really. I can manage to ask God to please take care of those I love and that's about it.

As I wrote to another member on this forum, I think that a God who created eternal love can handle our anger. 

I had some very strong signs after mom passed, incredible ones really. I cannot say for sure I have felt that from my husband which has left me crushingly disappointed and sad. I asked him in the hospital to let me know he is ok and he was a believer himself in such things. Maybe our grief is blocking us, I just don't know or maybe we are impatient. I hope they come x

[Margm]

Debi, I think, like you think, we are just impatient.  I still have hope.  Some people think that the appearance of a cardinal is our loved ones.  I know that sounds outlandish to some people.  The sun is out here.  I had to conduct some business this morning on the phone, business that should have been finished in person yesterday on my trip to the "big city."  I just had a red cardinal sit on my porch by my patio window.  I stood up and it flew into the woods behind my house.  I would have been comforted by that if my heart did not have a shell around it.  I hope that shell is made of wax and will melt when my blood runs warm again.  Billy loved crows, and could talk to them with his calls.  Strange to associate Billy with a black crow, but I have lots of crows.  We feed them our scraps, always have.  Someone told me God is standing right beside me waiting for me to reach out my hand.  I pray at night, and sometimes I feel it going further than the ceiling.  Then in an instant the ceiling throws it back at me.  I think some got through though.  

[debi.williams]

Margaret, Cardinals and Crows are HUGE symbols. I will dig out my book on this subject and let you know what it says. Nothing Margaret makes up for their physical absence, nothing. I only wish it did. But if we had gone first, wouldn't we be trying our best to send the message 'I live' ! That is what he is trying  to do for you. 

I believe God is standing right beside you. I don't even think you have to reach out your hand, because he has always held it. We have to grieve. It is part of loving and loving is part of God. When you pray remember there are no ceilings when we reach out to God, only the infinite, it all gets through. I think you are doing brilliantly. I am so very very proud of you. The strength to get out of bed and breath and write and talk and eat is coming from somewhere. Lord knows I know it doesn't just come from us but somewhere invisible, somewhere deep within. We sometimes Margaret, have faith even when we feel we have none. Big big hugs to you. I'll let you know about the book xx

[kayc]

Debi,

Of course God can handle it!  To limit Him to anything less would be a huge disservice.  We needn't worry about how our reactions are where He's concerned, He understands more than we think.

[Guest]

This year we have had a small herd of deer adopt our neighborhood and it is common to see them morning and evening wandering from yard to yard.  While deer, elk, bear, wild horses have been common throughout the years this is the first time I remember seeing them frequently enough that you almost consider them neighbors.  

I do believe that God is Love and with Love come all emotions.  Being angry with God is a human response and my guess is God understands.

[Margm]

Brad, with all my heart, I believe God understands.  My son told me today that almost two years ago when only some miracle saved me, that at my worse his dad said he would just take the RV and head for the woods.  I knew that.  But, he was me.  I was him.  I cannot go to the woods alone, they scare me at night.  They did not scare him.  He would use his varmint calls and we would go to these vast woods in Arkansas.  He did this for pleasure.  There was no gun involved.  He was not going to shoot anything.  I would stand out beside him until I heard something running through the underbrush in those dark woods, then I headed for my side of the truck and locked my door.  Billy was at home in the woods, and I was too (in the daylight).  I should have gone first, he could have put all my stuff in the RV.  There is no way I could put all of his fishing equipment, his gun cabinet, and this desk that was the only piece of furniture he ever picked out.  Billy did not believe in the supernatural, but I saw vampires and werewolves behind every tree.  Since "the one that is left must live" then that is what I will have to do.  The RV was going to be if either one of us left, and I agreed.  Only, I did not realize at that time that I was going alone.  

[kevin]

Crow Spirit Animal

By Elena Harris, SpiritAnimal.info Editor

The crow is a spirit animal associated with life mysteries and magic.  The power of this bird as totem and spirit guide is provide insight and means of supporting intentions. Sign of luck, it is also associated with the archetype of the trickster; be aware of deceiving appearances.  If the crow has chosen you as your spirit or totem animal, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic)...........I always like the Crow because of its intelligence......Crows can live 20+ years......Ravens can live to a very ripe age. The oldest raven to live at the Tower was called Jim Crow who died at the age of 44. The oldest raven currently at the Tower ...

[Margm]

Billy could talk to them and they would talk back.  He called them one time with a call that meant one was in trouble and when they saw they were fooled by humans, i am kind of glad I did not know what they said back to us.  

I knew crows were very intelligent and associate Billy with crows more than cardinals.  I don't think it has chosen my spirit as its totem animal, I think probably the little country mouse is my totem.  

[kayc]

I don't think I'll ever look at them the same way again!

Margaret, I am not afraid of the woods day or night either, IF I know there are no cougars around!  They are an animal to be feared, and unfortunately, they reside in these parts.  Bears don't bother us, coyotes, etc, but please no cougars!

[Margm]

Actually crows are very intelligent.  I don't know where you live, but traveling through the Gila Wilderness in NM once we saw a cougar.  Was not afraid of us at all.  Turned around and disappeared like a ghost.  I think you must be in Canada, maybe BC or in one of the northern states.  We had planned on Idaho as our next RV journey, and I cannot see it without him right beside me.  Where ever you live, it sounds very interesting to a southern flatlander.  I nearly fell yesterday by just not picking my shoes up high enough.  It is an easy thing to do.  

Kay, I admire your courage in the woods.  Right now I am even just afraid of the dark in my room at night.  I hope this disappears.  I lived in an RV one time that was 19 feet long.  Billy and I were separated for a month in the early 1990s.  I never was afraid in that tiny space.  It is these big houses with all these big rooms that scare me, and an imagination that needs sedating.

[debi.williams]

Margaret, I read this about Cardinals but the author Lyn Ragan has much more to say.

 

The red cardinal has many meanings as a symbol. It is probably most popularly a symbol of Christmas. This bright red bird symbolizes the beauty and warmth of the holiday season as it brings a bit of cheer to gray wintery days. The cardinals scarlet plumage also represents the blood of Christ shed for the redemption of mankind in the Christian religion. The birds common name, cardinal, is actually derived from the royal red vestments worn by Catholic cardinals.

Many spiritual people will tell you that a cardinal also represents death orafterlife. Reports from loved ones and hospice workers often state that acardinal appears just before or after a death, or that a cardinal frequently visits or appears in dreams after the loss of a loved one. As a totem symbol, the cardinal symbolizes vitality. A balance of intuition, perseverance and strength, the cardinal is said to offer safe passage into the realm of personal power to realize one’s goals and dreams.

The cardinal also represents passion and warmth as a totem symbol. Yoga practitioners believe the bird represents blood, the life force, and is related to survival, identity, health and security. This life force lies dormant untilactivated by meditation. However, frequent sightings of a cardinal should not necessarily be interpreted as a sign or omen. Cardinals are more comfortable with human beings than some other wild animals and frequent sightings may mean a cardinal is hungry and has pegged you as a source of food.

[Margm]

Thank you Debi.  I used to believe in a lot of things that my dead brain does not recognize right now.  If my heart and brain are just enveloped in wax, maybe the heat of the furnace this winter will melt them.  If it is rock enveloping them.................well, let's just hope it is not rock.  

I have heard this about cardinals.  My cousin, who lost her husband a year or so before Billy, she sent me about the cardinals.  Knowing Billy though, he will appear as a black crow, as that was his favorite bird.  That's okay, I like crows too.  

The author Edward Abbey said he wanted to come back as a buzzard.  I think I have seen him a few times.  

I hope things are easing up for you all in Brussels.  Seems the whole world is having a crisis.  On my Facebook there are some saying do not take any of them into this country.  Then some of them are saying Jesus, Joseph and Mary were from this area.  But, I remember reading recently that in about 1939, they were voting to not let Jewish people in.  Gosh knows, the Irish sure got a bad lot of it when we/they first got off the boat years and years ago.  Myself, I have no opinion, gotta melt this wax around my brain and heart first.  I just want people to be safe everywhere.  My mama used to say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  I loved that in my magic fairy tale childhood.  I got married and Billy's mama said "wish in one hand and s__t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest."  By that age, I understood my mother-in-law's saying the most. 

[debi.williams]

My Dear Margaret, I think Crows are hugely significant. All birds are. I think they can slip between worlds (I have, I think a garden pigeon that proves it - my husband's pet) but that is just my belief. I understand your waxy brain. I know if I could clear this smog that is within mine, then I could reach him, but somehow the shock prevails, for the moment anyway.

As for the world situation I just don't know what to think. I was born in London UK, multicultural to say the least. Let's face it the British have had their noses in 3/4 of the world your country included, over the centuries and there is a price to pay for such interference. I m grieving an Iranian - to all intense and purposes a product of George Bush' 'Axis of Evil' My grandfather was from Syracuse New York and my Grandmother from France. The rest of the family seem to be Canadian or Welsh or ahem...Australian!. 

During the WW2 the UK took in Jewish people in their droves. It was the right decision. No country can stand back and watch the annihilation of humans in the name of a master race. Why did blue/blonde prevail when dark/hazel doesn't?  Then why did God make us all? I know the Churchillian words of 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will never surrender' have instinctively driven the British to fight against any domination, despite us being the dominators for so many centuries. India/Pakistan/tPalestine the Commonwealth( even Belgium!) I have no easy answers. However, unless directly threatened, I have a problem with any country (mostly my own) going to war for oil. My government in the shape of the evil Tony Blair not only lied to the British people but became a rampant capitalist as a result. Many thousands and thousands died because of him (innocent civilians and servicemen and women). What price human life?

All borders are artificial in the sense that humans made them. BUT we cannot be tolerant of people who despise the ways of democracy  in our lands, anymore than we can be so arrogant as to assume we can enforce our ways on others. In short, let's remove our interests and let them reach a place of democracy in their own way. They are sectarian and we are not. At least we shouldn't be.I know a little about sectarianism coming from a long history of Catholicism and Protestantism. Heck England even set up it's own church and to this day no Catholic can sit on the throne of England. Religion (man made in my view) has a lot to answer for. There is God and then there is ...God. 

I know Kevin mentioned why Saudi Arabia has been so quiet...Well put simply they are Wahabis'  a totally different sect, so would not be happy accepting Muslims from anywhere else, in fact as you can see they have shunned it. It isn't about Islam it is about sectarianism and false views of Islam.

I know a little of these feelings having lived in both Bahrain and Cairo way before I met my husband. 

My husband being Iranian was by birth, was  automatically a Shia Muslim - not Sunni which is ISIS. That is why the Iranians have joined with the Russians to fight them. That is why your country and Iran had 'Nuclear Talks' That is also why the US have been more open to the Iranians, because they know the Sunnis (ISIS) are their natural 'enemies. 

Our son however was baptised into the Church of England because my husband saw it was important to me. In fact my husband saw ALL human life as important. He fled a dictatorship ( a different world after the Shah) and Western Europe gave him a home. he worked all his too short life, never took public money and paid more in than by his premature death, he will ever take out. He helped people of all colours and creeds immeasurably. He gave me and his son unconditional love. So where do I stand on this question? I don't know. I am in hell with it.

I know one thing though. if you want comfort. Read the Iranian Poets. Rumi , Omar Khayya, Hafez. That is the soul of the Iranian people ( my experiences of the word and its people by travelling have changed me a lot) not their dictatorial governments or ours.  Sorry for writing so much! Below Rumi for you Margaret

 

 

[Margm]

I have never read Rumi, but I will search now.  You, my sweet girl, you know so much more about the world than I do.  I was raised in a paper mill town, small, went to the same school 12 years, and my generations upon generations are all buried within a probable 100 mile or less radius.  My mama told me not to search our genealogy.  Oh, I wanted to find some famous outlaw.  Well, my granddaddy's brother did go to jail for stealing a pig.  Billy's relatives, one was married to Jessie James.  Mine have been traced to Henry VIII's wife Anne Boleyn and to also Meriwether Lewis. I think Anne's only child was Elizabeth the First, so I don't know where the others were.  I saw my great grandmother's picture and at last, I knew my people were the settlers of this great land that the white man came and stole all our land from us.  Alas, she was not Pocahontas or Geronimo's wife.  She was an Irish woman who was making the bed one day and her son-in-law's pistol hit the floor and discharged killing her and her unborn baby.  Also, have learned most were actually German from something called Pennsylvania Dutch, or something like that.  I doubt that any  Native American tribe would have accepted a carrot topped, freckled child into their company anyhow.  

I am going to read Rumi now.  Thank you so much.  My sister teaches college writing/English courses.  I know she knows of Rumi.  She is our political person in the family.  Again, I am just brain numb right now, but I wish everyone could be safe.  Wars have been fought because of religion.  I just wonder why.  You can tell, I am a child of the early 1960's, but I certainly had reverence and pride in our Vietnam boys when they returned.  I hated how our country treated our boys that had to fight that war.  Disgraceful then and now too.  

I wish you peace and safety, and love.  

[debi.williams]

 You know Margaret, there is already a novel in your first paragraph!  If you get to have Anne Boleyn  an ancestor you are already a little British Meriwether Lewis?  You may not have travelled but your blood  certainly has. Isn't life marvellous? What a history you have.

Rumi was born in 1207 and is as relevant today as he always was although my beloved husband used to read him to me in the hypnotic in the original hypnotic language which is Farsi.

Margaret, there are no answers to this world I think. It has to be played out. But as far our enormous grief...that too has to be lived out too. We are the living and we are the survivors and those who understand hell. I thank you for being my friendxxx

[Margm]

I added one of his sayings to another page and I hope I did not blow it up.  I don't know how to add things, but I sure added this one.  I am enjoying this very much.  I would have liked to hear it in Farsi.  One of our transplant surgeons came from northern Iran, cannot remember the place.  I used to know.  He would dictate 3-4 pages of surgery and honestly, I would just try to keep the anatomy close to the place he was operating on.  I think he is still in Shreveport.  

[kevin]

Debi, you nailed it again,,,,,,, it seems like yesterday Colin Powell was making his speech to the UN and couldn't convince anyone there were weapons of Mass destruction anywhere. Security Council voted against military force against Iraq.  Everyone who stood up against Bush and Blair were branded traitors or non patriots.........CNN covered the Shock and Awe aerial assault.(24/7).......And nothing was found to justify the invasion. Today, Iraq is a bigger mess than before, and a new enemy as emerged, ISIS , with  a cache of old US /Iraqi weapons......

[KarenK]

I have heard of many who have had their prayers answered. For some of us, it is not to be. I think perhaps, I must not be worthy enough.

In 1977, I prayed outside the hospital that my father would be saved as he lay bleeding to death from an aneurysm on the operating table. My answer was that he died during  my prayer. In 2000, I prayed that my mother would recover from her devastating stroke. My answer was that she would spend the next 6 years in a living hell. In 2008, I prayed that my daughter would recover from her cancer. My answer was that she died. In 2012, I prayed that my husband would recover from his cancer. My answer was that he died. During all these years, I fervently prayed that God would let Ron see the truth regarding an issue that we had for our entire marriage. My answer was that he died without the issue ever being resolved.

I am almost through with prayer, but I am a stubborn, naive old woman.  I do still ask that my grandson's death wish and general outlook on life be changed. I have been waiting for 9 months for this one. The jury is still out.

Here's a bit of irony for you. Ron was a spiritual person. In early 2012, my daughter's cancer engulfed yet another part of her body, and he began a nightly prayer that her cancer be taken away and given to him. You cannot bargain with God.

[debi.williams]

Kevin I remember it well. With sadness and with horror. I remember the UK taking to the streets and protesting but to no avail against Mr Blair and the mighty behemoth of the US with him. I recall a TV talk (probably now on You Tube) when he was cross questioned by MOTHERS of servicemen and still he lied.  It was a shameful moment for our democracies and now we pay the price.

NATO created ISIS plain and simple. They are firing British and US weapons we sold to them right back at us. The winner? Russia.

  Margaret most Iranians I know work like the clappers and are so well educated. My husband had a PHD in Engineering. Education for thel is everything. Sadly dicatoroship is not . Look too at Hafez xxx

[Margm]

Karen, I'm so sorry.  Today I got out in front of my house (dead end circle drive) and our houses are separated by hills and valleys.  I walked from one big crack in the road to another big crack in the road, just walking and trying to talk to God.  I wanted 54 more years with Billy, which of course would have been impossible.  So, I thanked him for the 54 that I had with this wonderful father, grandfather and husband.  Some of my friends did not have that long.  I am so selfish though, I wanted more and more.  One of my friends who had cancer of the lungs, she was a young woman, she and I were walking the stairs to another doctor's appointment.  Her brother (a doctor) was my boss.  She said she questioned God and said "why now?  Why now that I have just got my two girls graduated from high school and married."  Then, she said "Well, why not now, he could have taken me before I finished this job of raising them."  I have asked God "why" so many times.  Billy is the one who helped me with my faith.  Now, I have to search for answers for myself.  

I sure don't have any answers to all your prayer and grief.  I am not that good a person.  I am like you, I would be questioning.  My friend who took care of her invalid husband seven years, totally took care of everything, he had had a stroke.  She said she would have done it for seven more if she could have kept him.  She is such a good Christian woman, and I wish I were more like her. She has faith and trust in God.  I wish we could all find answers to our questions.  I pray each night for faith.  I pray to stop the crying.  It does not stop.  But, I do have friends that are Christian women who have lost their husbands, one lost a four year old daughter (which I cannot even imagine her grief), and my aunts daughter, my cousin, died in her 16-year-old son's arms, a hopeless alcoholic.  I thought today of all the people that were killed in these senseless terrorist acts.  They all had families that grieve for them too.  I think one man's son's, two of them were involved in the carnage, and he has a 15-year-old son that is missing.  

My understanding of all this could not help a gnat on the head of a straight pin.  So, it is best if I shut up.  I have lots of questions.  I don't have answers.  

 

[kayc]

Oh my dear Karen,

It doesn't work that way, and you are one of the most worthy people I know!  It's complicated (prayer answered/unanswered).  I could get into a theological discussion about it but I don't want to bore you.  I was praying when George died, so I can understand your feelings.  I guess I have learned not to ask "why" so much as "now what" but that took a while.  Faith is more for us than it is for God, I think.  It helps us if we have it.

[debi.williams]

Faith is the only 'It' Kay; i love you xxx

[kevin]

I was told years ago is the best sign of Faith is to give thanks in advance....my limited memory of the Gospel(Mark), when Jesus was doing the healing and casting demons, the belief and Faith component was mentioned all the time...particularly to the disciples .I really question it sometime....it took me 63 years to begin to understand.....new journey

[kayc]

Faith to me is proceeding anyway, withholding judgment, trusting in the outcome.  George and my relationship was built on faith, so I live with continued faith that our love has only grown stronger since he's been absent from his body.  I've learned that while I missed being able to see and talk to him, it isn't necessary to our love's survival...faith is.