Home From Christmas

[WolfsKat]

Returned to Florida last night after flying up to Michigan (my home for 47 years) to be with my family for Christmas.  I'd worried overmuch about how I would "do"...worried that I might have a griefburst and depress/upset others. That worrying was for naught. I stayed at my daughter's home, and really had a wonderful time...of course I had a few moments, but was under control and not overwhelming. This was my first Christmas "back home" after 11 years in Florida, and since Connor and I had never went up there for Christmas, I was better able to deal with it, I think?  Even at the big family get-together (about 40 of us...we rent a small hall) I felt surrounded by my family's love and compassion....they all seemed so very happy I was there!  This was also the first Christmas without my Mom....which all of us were feeling.....my daughter had been working hard on a "videography" of my Mom, she'd prepared a list of questions for her last year, primarily about her past....and filmed it over a few days.  Interspersed with the "interview" portions were old photos and appropriate music....it was beautifully done.  She played it at the hall, and gifted family members with copies of the CD.  Yes, many of us shed tears, but we also had laughter during the viewing (my Mom was a funny lady!). It was a wonderful memorial to my mother....I  am so grateful that my daughter did this!  Another thing....this trip up there has solidified my resolve to move back home as soon as I can do it in a rational manner.  I think my family needs me as much as I need them, now.....that definitely came through.  Connor could not handle a cold climate due to health issues, so we lived in Florida, very happily.  But, while I have some close friends here, all of my family is up in Michigan, and I miss them.  It will be a bit daunting to reinvent my life (again!)....but I believe it will be the best thing I could do, both for them, and for myself.  I will not make the move quickly...too much to deal with at present, but knowing I will gives me comfort, and a bit of hope that this life without my beloved might still have some bits of happiness in it again. Thanks for letting me ramble a bit...and hoping all of you were able to get through Christmas with a minimum of pain.

[hollowheart]

I loved reading this story! It made me smile, especially about the video. I wish I had something like that with my sister. All our iPhones and we never took video of each other. Oh well. I'm glad that this trip gave you your purpose which I'd to move back home when you can. That will make you feel more on solid ground, think. And it will be good to have your family around. That's a big bunch! Glad you had a great Christmas. 

[Dew's Girl]

I made the decision to move closer to my family about 5 mo after Daniel died and never regretted it once.  I hope this move brings you some comfort.

[kayc]

Wolfskat,

I think it's important to listen to our inner selves, what brings us comfort.  You instinctively know that and it's giving you hope and comfort just thinking about it, so I think it's something to reach for when you're ready.  I'm glad your trip went well!

[Margm]

My granddaughter and I went to the Walmart in Mena last night.  We ate out at the oriental restaurant.  Things kept bouncing off my brain.  The last time I did this, the last time I was here, the last time I did that, Billy was with me.  This house is Billy.  He wanted to leave in the RV and through procrastination, (his and mine) we only got part of the discarding of things done.  I am a different weirdo than most people.  Being where we were so happy together does not make me happy.  It pours alcohol into an open wound.  This month the house will go on the market.  It won't take long, it is a dream house and I hope young people buy it with a big family.  Too many widows on this street.  I will move into an apartment complex, which he would never have done, and surely would not have allowed me to do.  I have to do it for what is left of my sanity.  We loved the quiet noise of the forest.  We loved all the animals coming to the house.  He loved taking pictures of nature.  I want to hear families fussing, arguing, being happy.  I don't want rap music, so I hope that does not rock my walls.  I will pack all of his "stuff" into those big plastic buckets with lids, and one day I will go through them.  Our son will have the RV and big truck.  I will take his little truck until I can find me my "clown's" car.  I won't forget Billy ever, but I don't want daily salt poured into my open heart.  I cannot say "later" I will do something, because at my age, I really do not buy green bananas.  So, if going "home" is best for you...........do it.  Our home was where ever our mate was.  He is not here anymore, but we will carry him with us in our heart.  I am you, you are me.  I just cannot do what he would have done.  I cannot live in the forest alone in an RV.

[Guest]

WolfsKat-

So happy the trip was better than expected.  I personally find I can be more open and honest with my children than with friends and acquaintances.  They also are more in-tune with what I am going through.  I believe that some of the success you had on this trip was in your preparation.  Mentally you anticipated and prepared a response.  I try to do that for the majors (birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Anniversary, Death Day) so far it has worked well.  It's the ambush triggers that hit me the hardest, but then they always will.  Glad you are back safe and sound.

[kayc]

Margaret,

You too will find the way that brings you the most comfort for YOU.  Our choices are going to be as individual as WE are.  I find comfort being where my husband and I lived, we both loved this place...not the house, it's just a worn out old mobile home (hence money pit now), but the LAND, and WHERE we lived was our heart and soul.  City people wouldn't get it, but we both loved nature and were very content here.