Gin Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Tomorrow morning it will be 3 months since my beloved Al died. I miss him so very much. We had 16 wonderful years together, but I sure wanted more. I still do not sleep well and find it hard to find meaning in anything. We were retired and were very active every day. It was never HIM or ME, but always US. Can never replace that. I am doing things that I never did before...locking my keys in the car, losing the garage remote, etc.. It is so stressful taking care of the trust he had and dealing with bankers and lawyers. So much focusing on his Will, Trust, death certificate. I am worn out. I am glad that you are all there to let me vent. I know my family and friends are getting tired of listening. It seems that I am very good at coming up with more reasons why the doctors should have been able to save him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 "The best part of the day is when you and me become we." Winnie the Pooh to Christopher Robin I felt that way with my Deedo just as you felt that way with your Al,Gin. Three months is still so raw and fresh. Give yourself time and deal with only those things that need immediate attention. Also try being your best friend. If your best friend came to you so stressed, what would you tell her? ** I'm two months up on you and can't find much meaning in life either Some day maybe. **Thanks Marty - something else I've tried to high jack. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 The hardest thing is to become a ME again. Especially because we don't want to. We had no choice. As Brad asked once, does anyone still talk in that WE mode. I do. This is still our house, our dogs, our whatever. The legal things are very hard. I was numb when I went thru that and grateful for that because I could never do it now. I hate if I have to drag out that darned death certificate for something that got overlooked. There is never enough time with our loves. And we are not selfish for wanting that. I don't care if it was 1 or 60 years. When we find that perfect fit, all is right in the word. That is why is feels so very wrong now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Thanks, Brad. I sure hope we all improve. This is no way to live. Always feeling so empty. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 thank you Gwen. I caught myself several times yesterday saying "us" inappropriately. We were always together. Today I have to take Al's will, death certificate, etc. to the bank. It is all so very depressing. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 TH, Thank you for your thoughts. Today I have to get extra keys made, and another garage door opener. And take Al's will, etc. to the bank. It is hard to think that things can improve at all without him. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 1 minute ago, Gin said: I caught myself several times yesterday saying "us" inappropriately I would not call it "inappropriately".......with as closely linked as you two were, it's totally understandable that you will still think of it as "us".....after years of feeling that way, hard to shut that sense of "us" off like turning off a spigot!!! And, Gin? The good people here will never, ever "tire of listening"......I hope you do what you have to do this day with a minimum of pain.....praying for comfort & strength for you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 I stil talk of Deedo and me as we and us. She is still present tense in my speech patterns. I think it is totally appropriate. Best of luck with the bank. I need to someday change accounts, been waiting for my daughter to come up so I can have her on the accounts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 I didn't lose a spouse, but me and my sister were together so much that people always expected us both. When we were alone we were asked where the other one was. I mailed out about 4 Christmas cards and I found myself signing her name on them. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it just broke me to just sign me and my Ma on them when it used to be the three of our names. I just couldn't do it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 HH - The wonderful part of grief is you get to decide what works for you. Signing your sisters name was the right thing to do for you so it was the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Hi Gin, So very sorry for your loss. I'm 5 months into this nightmare and I still think of myself as married, the house as Rich's and mine, still think of myself as part of us -- it is not inappropriate, it is totally normal. Do you have anyone to go with you to the bank? That was a horrible part of all of this...and calling credit cards, going to the DMV to transfer titles, etc...truly a misery. If you have someone to go with you that might help. But do keep coming back - vent here. We all understand and as Wolfskat said, will never "tire" of listening. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 13 hours ago, Gin said: I am very good at coming up with more reasons why the doctors should have been able to save him. Dear Gin, this is how I feel as well,because it were the doctors who killed my beloved man Jan.He would be alive now,if they wouldn´t have done a fatal error that caused a death to him.He didn´t wake anymore and died in sleep.He came to me today again and I can´t stop crying now.I´m tired of everything in this life and would love to fall asleep forever to be with him again. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Gin, maybe things will change in time for me, but for now, there will always be a WE. There are some things like my car, his car, our house. I don't want to think of this house as mine. We made it together so it will always be ours. I think that is normal about certain aspects and don't need to be changed. Even tho legally everything is in my name, it doesn't have to be that way in my head. It's too much erasure for me personally. The closest I get now with people that didn't know us is saying 'the'. The dogs, the garage, the whatever. It also helps with people that don't know how devastating this is to not have to, yet again, futilely explain something they don't understand. I hope things aren't too painful at the bank. I did all that stuff, dealt with car and other crap I don't even remember when I was numb and it was pretty painless. I hadn't had it really hit what I was changing, just a task to get out of the way. One thing I did not do was remove his name from our checking account because it meant getting all new accounts and that would mean endless time online changing to many financial sites. Had to draw the line there for overload. It's kinda comforting to see his name still on something of OURS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Gwenivere and Gin - I'm the same way; it is our house (actually it is her house, she decorated it from top to bottom and if I were to remove her then the walls would be bare) it's our car (when I retired we got rid of the other one as it was apparent she would not be driving again), I catch myself saying "We are going to the bank; the Valley; shoppin; whatever, and probably always will. I think I've got business taken care of as car title used "or" so I don't need to change that title and it was her car, the only new car she owned. Wrote thank you cards yesterday and discovered we have enough address labels to last me my lifetime. I mail about ten letters a year if even that. So people will be getting letters from Brad n Deedo for a very long time. That will change only if I reach a point where I'm ready to give up BradnDeedo to become just plain old Brad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Hadn't thought about that, Brad. I don't want to be plain old Gwen, ever. Steve was and is too much a part of me, so I know that will never happen in my heart. I given up caring about the outside world in general. Anyone that is close to me (and there aren't many) will always know he is part of who I am. A dear friend in NM sent Steve a letter which I haven't been able to read yet because she wanted to tell him just how important he was to me and those he touched. I love her for that and am still waiting for the right time to read it. Will have to make sure I have my trusty paper towels at hand because Kleenex just can't handle this kind of thing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 4, 2016 Report Share Posted January 4, 2016 Gwen, I'm glad I do not have letters waiting on me, I'm afraid they would never be read. I did have to field a phone call, just days before Deedo died, from one of Deedo's dearest friends from before me. She needed to tell me how happy she was that we found each other and how happy I had made Deedo. It wasn't new information, we had had that conversation frequently over the years: how we had rescued each other; pretty much the theme of Anne Murray's song: You Needed Me. Still it was an extremely wet conversation, I am sure we flooded the deserts from Phoenix to San Fransisco with our tears. I think that was the first time (but by far not the last) I really felt dehydrated from crying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 5, 2016 Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 This is kind of how l was feeling after my son canceled coming for New Year's, he hasn't been here for a year and I missed getting to see my granddaughter. Spending holidays alone when your husband is gone is...well the kids just can't possibly know what it's like. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Thanks Wolfskat, we are all on such a hard journey. Glad we have wonderful people to talk to. gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Brad, It sure is hard to change bank accounts, etc.. My banking went badly today. Have to deal with the Treasury Dept. to cash some bonds! More forms. It is just so sad and having to do it all alone. Thanks for your support. Gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Dear Hollowheart, Things like your cards really tear you up. Even little things take on big proportions when we are grieving. Hope things improve for you. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 5, 2016 Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 4 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Hadn't thought about that, Brad. I don't want to be plain old Gwen, ever. Steve was and is too much a part of me, so I know that will never happen in my heart. I given up caring about the outside world in general. Anyone that is close to me (and there aren't many) will always know he is part of who I am. A dear friend in NM sent Steve a letter which I haven't been able to read yet because she wanted to tell him just how important he was to me and those he touched. I love her for that and am still waiting for the right time to read it. Will have to make sure I have my trusty paper towels at hand because Kleenex just can't handle this kind of thing. Gwenivere.....one of the harder things I did, was to read the letter my daughter quickly emailed to me, to be read to Connor in ICU when we knew he was leaving, soon. He had not regained consciousness (and never did). It was such a beautiful, poignant letter....in it she thanked him for treating her as his own daughter, told him all the ways she loved him, and thanked him for "making my Mom so happy....you mean the world to her, and I know you loved her just as intensely" And she wrote of how much he would always be loved, and missed. He gave no appearance of hearing, but, I read it out loud to him.....it was hard, but......she wished me to do that, and I so hope he heard it......would've meant SO much to him! She could not get there in time (lives over 1000 miles away, and he went from bad....to gone, quickly) and she wanted him to know how much he'd meant to her, to us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Hi Tfer, i am so drained looking at death certificates, wills, etc.. The bank would not cash the bonds and I have go to the Treasury to do it. Then I got extra keys, since I locked myself out recently. Tomorrow I have to get another remote garage door opener, since I "misplaced" my other one. I'm doing great. Thanks for your support. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Gwen, the bank accounts were a big mess. I am just about done, but still have to take care of some bonds that he had before I knew him. No beneficiary. I have to fill out more forms. The days seem so long and pointless. I don't care much about anything. I see my daughter every other week, which is nice, but not enough. I do not think she knows how horribly lonely it is. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Kay, must have been a very lonely Christmas for you. No one but those who are grieving understand. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 5, 2016 Report Share Posted January 5, 2016 Gin - It is hard enough to walk out the door going through what we are going through, it's too bad they can't make the process easier. But then if they did there would be a long queue of people wanting to abuse the system for their own ill-gotten gains. Hopefully the Treasury will go better but because it is governmental I wouldn't count on it. Add grateful for not having a garage so I'll never lose my garage door opener to my list of things I grateful for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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