My dear one

[mandeldog]

It will probably be some time before I can tell the story of the loss of my dear wife of 44 years (46 years as a couple).   But that will be helpful to me and I know that I can do it here.

Let me say that I am now at about three and one half months (I said a final goodbye on November 24th).  Most of the deeply wrenching anguish seems to have receded - although I still have weeping moments that come on their own.  I realize that in these moments of what I call "pure grief" there are insights into aspects of my grief that have remained hidden or obscured.  Just two days ago in the morning I was going to meditate but ended up crying, and what I expressed (verbally - I speak out to her during these times) was deep grief that I should have gone with my dear one when she left - to help her on her way and to protect her on her unknown journey.  There is so much of that - that I was my wife's protector and that I was unable to protect her against the disease that took her away.  I was able to provide care for her during this last year of her life but we knew that she had only a short time to live and so everything that I did was only to help her be more comfortable or to prevent things that would have added to her suffering (like lymphedema (swelling of the legs) and pressure sores).  I will not speak here now of the ups and downs of caregiving, which many of you know.  Just rest assured that although I was able to function pretty well most of the time that my behavior from time to time was unacceptably angry - due as I realize now from the very powerful stress, both physical but most particularly emotional that I was under during the months of our last year.

One of the fears that I have carried is that of being some kind of social pariah because I have suffered this loss.  The great majority of people are walking around quite involved in the business of life and consciously or unconsciously trying to keep death at a far distance.  I fully understand that and I have also lived that way most all of my life.  I feel that when we lose our loved one a door opens on a reality that is extremely hard to understand or experience.  We all have some kind of faith - if only the faith is life is fair and secure - and this deep irrevocable loss calls all of this into question.  I understand living on the side of life and keeping the bad stuff at a distance.  I knew before that bad stuff happened - it's just that it happened to other people, not to me, not to us.  Now I am a person at whose door Death came a knocking and I can just accept that to whatever degree that I am able to muster.  Other people will continue with their basic dance of denial as long as they can until life and death upsets their apple cart in turn (mixed metaphors - how about dancing around the apple cart?)  And I hope that I can offer at least a little more solace or understanding that many have done to me ...

Which opens the topic of "crazy things that people say."  I can't even remember them all but some have been profoundly unhelpful.  There are two ideas here:  first, that people don't understand what you're going through ... to which I would add a second:  people are afraid.  To this day, I understand an unwritten rule: don't talk about it.  Say you're "fine."  It's just like daily life where people ask you how you are - they don't really want to hear.  Just say "fine" even though you're usually not.  Same here.  Today a woman who came to the memorial service (for which I am grateful)  asked me how I was and I just said "fine."  That meant basically that I didn't want to discuss it because trying to do so just causes a lot more pain than bearing with what I've got on my own.

Also to mention that some people are very compassionate and open about the scene I find myself in.  But even they don't know the real deal.  When I go to the grief support group I am surrounded by people who have gone through it and know the nitty gritty and what's it's like to like to live in the frying pan.

I just wanted to say that losing our loved one is at first like getting torn into two physically and psychically and a gaping hole that is vast and unfillable.   But after these months - short months and yet so long - that gap, that hole is perhaps less vast and less intense.  I love my dear one more than words can express - I love her so much and so wish that she were still here with me - my irreplaceable loved one, my dear, my companion, my ever kind and compassionate loved one so dear to me and dearer and deeper and closer over all those many years she walked with me on the face of this earth.  So that reality - that major part of my life - will not change.  My gratitude to her will not fade - for all that she did for me over so many years, making my life so easy, so enjoyable, so rich and full.  But still, there is some healing from the deep anguish of grief, and I am grateful.  Perhaps our paths will cross again.  A deep spiritual love grew between us, especially over these last years.  Perhaps that love will draw us again together.  But beyond that, I wish for her free and unimpeded travel in the spiritual realm, protected from all harm by those high spirits that surely will recognize the purity and kindness of her life and deeds.

Thank you for listening.

[Margm]

I don't know really how to welcome someone to this forum.  None of us want to be here.  But, it is the most understanding group of people, simply because each of us have faced a loss that has changed our life forever.  Our marriages changed our life forever, so certainly losing that person changed it into a long dark night.  We try to think up things that might help, but right now, nothing really helps.  The only thing that would help is having them come back, but of course that is not possible.  So, we search for any lifeline that will keep us from drowning.  And, I think each of us wish we could have followed.  Having been the one that we both thought would pass away first, I know first hand that as long as we were married, I just could never think of leaving him.  I believe he felt the same way.  He said I was him and he was me.  But, the magic that was us left 10/17/2015. 

I have noticed that some of my married friends, the ones who have not lost a mate, I notice I do not hear from them as much anymore.  One of my widow friends tells me that their friends (hers and her husbands) act like they do not want to be around her anymore.  I see something sad in this though.  Those of us that are left, our friends know that one of them will have to go through what we are going through now.  We are just reminders.  But, I know you have friends that have lost their mates.  My friends are the people who steer me through this journey.  I am of the age that I have so many friends I have met in all my years on this earth, unfortunately there are many of us widows.  Like I have said so many times on here, they tell me it gets easier, now they do not say it gets better, just maybe the pain is easier to bear.  I believe these people.  I do not look forward to good times again.  My "good times" up and went.  I just expect to live my life until the end.  In the meantime, I hope I can make my passing, the afterwards part, the business part, I just have to plan it, because "I'm the one who is left."  I have to make plans that my children will not be bothered with.  And for faith.  I'm still searching.  Yes, I still have some anger with God.  But my faith was something that carried me through lots of bad times.  I need it now.  It works for me.  It does not for all people.  It is part of my life and has always been.  

I know we all wish you some peace.  These are not peaceful times for any of us.  I know the pain your going through..  We all hurt, men and women.  You just voice your pain and someone is here to help.  We cannot heal, we cannot heal ourselves.  We all just trudge along and look for something.  If you go to Marty's posts, she has many self-help sites we go to for our extreme pain.  Just keep reading and writing.  A bunch of good people. 

[Gin]

mandeldog, marg

you both express so much that is true for all of us.  Our loved ones were ripped from us and things will never be the same.  We hope things get easier, but still wonder if that will happen.

[scba]

Dear Mandeldog, I'm very sorry for your loss. Welcome to this forum and I hope it will help you on your journey. This is a very caring site, full of kind and compassionate people. From all the little things I appreciate since "that" day, this site is one.

14 hours ago, mandeldog said:

Which opens the topic of "crazy things that people say."  I can't even remember them all but some have been profoundly unhelpful.  There are two ideas here:  first, that people don't understand what you're going through ... to which I would add a second:  people are afraid. 

It keeps amazing me how this topic seems to repeat on each of our stories. No matter our cultural background, where we live, what we do or how old we are. Grief and third parties is a topic in itself. Both seems to be correct: they don't understand, and they are afraid. I'm 36 and I swear I can't mention anymore the aspects of grief without sounding "pesimistic" "not willing to move on" and "depressed". When I say "I'm still a mess" I encounter "but you look very well". Then I'm confused "maybe I'm overeacting, and I'm doing well", causing more and more question and confusion only to me. It is a tabu subject among young people too. Imagine me telling to friends who are recently married: "hey, until death parts us, well it is going to happen! and grief is a horrible thing that will be with you for a long time". I feel I'm part of an exclusive club of enlightment that I never asked for admission. I feel "I know something that others don´t" and I hate it. I know it is my rage and cynism "speaking" and I've never said any of that, but many times I just wanted to say it. So, this road is a very silent one. That's why I came often here because I feel free to express the most painful, absurd and not-correct thoughts that are popping up in my mind since 2014. Like these. And I learn a lot from your stories and sharings.

 

 

[kayc]

Mandeldog,

I am sorry you lost your wife, just as all of us here have lost our spouse, the person that made our life what it was.  I hope you find comfort here and realize that here you are not alone, you don't have to say you're fine, you can be real with us...we get it.

It's not uncommon for all of our relationships to change when we lose our spouse, for we can't speak what's candidly on our heart without them disappearing on us.  I was fortunate to have one friend with whom I could share, for she too is a widow, but now she's moved away and remarried so once again I am alone.

You wish for your wife what we all wish for our spouses, that they be at peace and doing well, until we can be together again.

[brat#2]

Mandeldog,

I too am sorry for the loss of your wife.  I loss my husband almost 8 months ago and joining this group in February has been very comforting and being able to let your true feelings come out to people who understand is a great help, knowing that you are not alone.  Please continue to come back and express your feelings and wishing some peace on your journey.

[Guest Janka]

Dear Mandeldog,

I must reply to your deep feelings you shared with,because it all resonates inside of me.It´s been 4 years,3 months and 23 days since my beloved man Jan died,but his spirit came to me 3 days later,the same day his brother called me up to say about his death.If you can read my story,you´ll see.My beloved Jan was dead 3 days,and yet he came to me and he engraved the heart on the sheet of the bed we had slept 3 days ago.I had to make a picture to make sure it´s not just a dream.Since he came to me many times,making many miracles for me by now.I pray for him every day and night,knowing he is in the heaven waiting for me to come one day.The true love never ends.My beloved Jan died 11.11.´11 at 1,so those seven units explain it all.These are the things we can´t guide or change.My faith is what keeps me alive to stand everything I have to go through to be worthy of being where is he now too.He was,is and will be my best,the most beautiful and only one forever.

I´m very sorry for your loss and everything you also have to go through!

With love Janka