annew Posted March 12, 2016 Report Share Posted March 12, 2016 My dearest angel and great love of my life, I feel and hear you in my heart, almost as though you never left.......and still there is this excruciating loneliness. As time goes on, I feel only the love we shared then and share now than the enormous difficulties we confronted....and still the days seem so empty because you are not here to share the little moments of laughter and challenge that mean nothing really but loving bond. I don't like living alone and there are others that can fill that you shaped crack in my heart. What is it all worth when there is no one to share all the new with, all the new that came with your leaving. Sometimes I can feel you so close and know you still exist and still love me so very much and still the loneliness is there, every morning, no one to share the moments with that really knows me. I find I must find a way to live with all this sad that seems to never end and just accept it never will. Making a life worth living in that is so damn difficult, it feels really hopeless to imagine I can be healed. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 12, 2016 Report Share Posted March 12, 2016 Beautifully put and you said how I feel. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 And further I think I lost me, that me that was all about him and wanted it that way........until the last couple of years when I wanted more of a life for me and with him, not just all about him. So maybe this grief is about losing that old me who died with him and having no clue who I am now....or what I want........and way too much time....hmmmm..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 The person we were with our loved ones has died and I think it is going to take a lot of time to figure out who were are now and who we want to be in this new situation that we don't want to be in. I know I don't have a clue yet. Joyce 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 I think this is why I feel so stuck, it is the unknown, the cluelessness makes me feel sad too, even after nearly 2.5 years, I am wanting to move on some and have no idea what that is. Guess I just have to surrender to the clueless and sad more.....sigh.....and maybe to stop fighting my feelings. Thanks Joyce, feels good to be heard. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 I don't have a clue either. I read it is a struggle towards a new identity. I frame it as being kind of a teenager again. Who am I? What am I going to do? What do I like to do? Who are my friends? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 I agree, scba, yet as a teen I had all this excitement and plans about life anfpd knew nothing about death and powerful loss. Having to create a new identity when I spent my life creating it is a daunting task. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 18 hours ago, annew said: I think this is why I feel so stuck, it is the unknown, the cluelessness makes me feel sad too, even after nearly 2.5 years, I am wanting to move on some and have no idea what that is. Guess I just have to surrender to the clueless and sad more.....sigh.....and maybe to stop fighting my feelings. Thanks Joyce, feels good to be heard. Yes, it's like being stuck in quicksand. It's like everything keeps going in a circle. The Cluelessness gives me no motivations, and having no motivation makes me clueless. *Sigh* It's the exhausting of sadness--mental, emotional and physical sadness--keeps me unmotivated. My mind is just tired. I'm still not paying my bills on time, I don't even care. I get suggestions about how to "move on" and none of them appeal to me. Mostly they are just go volunteer, go to meet ups and such. While I know I need some new friends, it's just hard and time consuming to build that up. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Most deeply heartbreaking open for me in the past 2.5 years.....and oddly, as I recover from the shock and process of resurrection, I don't feel much changed at all.......I wonder how that can be....I am not dissatisfied, just kind of surprised, I am still just me. The change is in maybe I just value Me much more. I really have been there for me.......I have never been so devoted to caring for myself in this life as I am now. The loss just had to put me first and maybe that is what feels so very strange......not being so selfless any more and really wanting to just be there for me no matter what I feel. No one knows how this is, what it feels like, especially when the loss was so very unexpected and sudden and I broke into tiny bits of shattered heart. I am a feckin miracle just to be BEing. And once again, I am SO very grateful to have a place to say exactly what I feel without being corrected as though feelings are right/wrong. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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