Books on grieving

[Margm]

I am a complicated character.  My pain is as great as anyone else's.  (To each of us our own pain is the worse.)  I order books on grief, I go to Books-A-Million, Barnes Noble.  I relive my pain at night before bed by reading other people's grief.  Last night I ordered one for my Kindle.  Good, three widows from Stephen's Women's College who get together again after their husbands die.  They are all in their late 50's, early 60's when they lose their husbands. They decide to write a book to help other widows through the grief and helping them live again.  The book is written probably a few years down the road.  None of the three marry again.  In the parts that I read they do not mention dating.  (Thank goodness).  But the thing that turned me off was all three women went on  to have successful lives, one ran her husband's company and then turned it over to her daughter (had only been run by family.)  They traveled, they got on with a life without their husbands.  In fact, the whole book was about how they made successful lives without their husbands. (I felt disgust because they were happy, how is that possible?)  I paid $5.99 on Kindle for this book.  This morning, I took it off my reading list.  These women were happy.  I am not ready for happy.  What is wrong with me that I would begrudge three women going on to have a happy life after losing their husband?  One woman even built a new house and enjoys living on the hill and watching the animals that come around her house out of Santa Fe, New Mexico.  The audacity of it. How can people lead happy lives after such a loss.  Is it possible?  I think not for me because I am too old.  At least that is what I think.  I hesitantly looked up an old friend from my teenage days on FB. (And, I am embarrassed to say I did this.)  I felt guilty.  No one knew but me.  I felt disloyal to Billy.  Made me so depressed.  I was just curious.  That fellow had gotten old.  He had a cigarette in his hand.  Made me even more despondent.  Mainly because people have gotten old during the 54 years I was married.  Not me, I know I am still 17.  

[scba]

Probably one of the co-authors is a realtive of mine, haha. She became a widow in her 50s and from the outside her life seems to be much better now than then, with money, grandsons, trips, house, concerts, etc. She told me that she found a reason to keep on living and that I will be fine. There are no pictures of his husband in her house, that was a shock to me. Maybe we cannot relate cause emotionally we are in different places, or our relationship was different. Sometimes i wonder if money is a reason. My grandma never recover from her loss and her widowhood was miserable, but financially she was in a good place. My grandpa ment everything to her. 

I understand that you feel guilty for sneaking into a profile. Don't be, you know it means nothing, just curiosity. 

[kayc]

Margaret,

You say it was years on down the road.  These women went through the pain you've experienced, the struggles, inner thoughts.  That they went on to live happy and successful lives is to be applauded!  It's not easy.  My guess is this book does not tell the whole story.  Perhaps in their desire to help others through this, they do not tell of waking up Christmas morning feeling very alone and the pain that shoots through them at the thought of their dearly departed.  It doesn't tell how they feel when they fix their husband's favorite dinner.  It doesn't tell how they feel eating alone in a restaurant.  It doesn't tell how they feel when their grandchild has a birthday and grandpa isn't there to enjoy it.

There is much this book doesn't tell.

BTW, I have reconnected with my teen sweetheart.  He has been married forever and has a million grandkids.  No hair, fake teeth.  And none of that matters.  He is still the same wonderful person I knew and I'm so happy for him that his life turned out well.  I love his wife, we get along well, and we get together about once a year when they stay in a nearby RV park.  Our lives paralleled each other's in so many ways.  We both grew up in the Nazarene Church and have since switched to the conservative Baptist Church.  We are both on the Praise team in our churches.  We vote differently, but that's okay.  We both love big dogs.  We both live in a mobile home on forested property out in the country.  We retired around the same time.  We even had the same number of Facebook friends.  We can talk for hours, we are a lot alike.  And I'm glad his life ended up better than mine, I wish my marriage with George could have gone on forever like his with Kathy is.  Nothing wrong with connecting with someone from the past!  We are curious creatures, after all!

[Margm]

I guess I felt guilty because Billy was a jealous man.  I would like to say I never gave him reason to be, and I didn't the first bunch of years, but somehow the leash got too tight and I broke it.  But, the last 20 years were perfect.  That is the one thing I wish I could change, but I cannot.  Of course, he was not perfect either.  But, he was perfect for me.  Still, I was just curious, not shopping.  Hope he was not watching.  

[brat#2]

Marg, I recently did the same thing, looked up an old friend on FB and I felt guilty like I was cheating on Dale.  I hadn't thought about this boy in a very long time, I didn't need to, I had everything I wanted and needed in Dale, but I guess now that he is gone, I was curious.  I didn't even recognize this boy and wouldn't have even thought it was him if it hadn't been on his FB page!  Anyway, it's like Kay said, we are human and we still are curious creatures.  At this point I have no desire to contact him, but I have been looking up a lot of people (men and women) from my past, not doing anything about it, but I guess we are looking for some kind of connection?

Joyce

[Margm]

Joyce, I understand.  You are probably a lot younger than I am, and getting an apartment on my own is the biggest step I have taken in all my years.  I did feel guilty and kind of dirty looking up that old friend.  Funny thing was, when he was 16 I had drawn his picture from a photograph.  The picture I saw, he was sitting in the same position, and of course I could not recognize anything of that James Dean looking character I used to know.  I have no wish to see him, or anyone else.  All I want is what I cannot have.  It just makes me feel older, and Billy never made me feel old.  

And, I still have most of my friends from even my 12 years of school over half a century ago.  I have friends from two hospitals I worked at and some of them have lost their husbands.  Then again, some of my classmates and friends I worked with, they are gone too.  Maybe it is cut and dried like one of the books said, it is natural, your born, you marry, you die.  Somehow that did not give me a boost.  

[kayc]

Well for myself I wasn't looking to hook up, just find out how life treated him.  He was a great guy but I had my reason for breaking up with him.  None of that matters now.  I doubt our spouses are jealous any longer, if they ever were, because they have an expanded perspective that includes the changes that have come about.  You weren't cheating on anyone so I hope you can relax with that!