Another hard to breathe moment

[Nikki D]

I am experiencing a hard to breathe moment this morning.

I think it started out with the video that my second daughter had on her phone. She found some pictures and videos of Kura and she transferred them on my computer so that I can keep them as his memory. One of the videos was when she was pup-sitting my hounds while I was away. She recorded Kura’s reaction when he saw my car pulling in the driveway. All the whining and crying, and the happy dance when I was walking in the house… I wanted to cry but I swallowed my tears and kept my emotion inside so that I didn’t make my daughter feel bad, nor upset my grand kids. She thinks she is doing me a big favor. After going through all the pics and videos, I hid in the kitchen for a few minutes and cried a little, making sure no one saw or heard me. In the evening, after they left, I found a renewal notice from a Microchipping company.  When I saw Kuranosuke’s name on it, I lost it. I burst into tears. My husband said go ahead and renew his, too, if I wanted to.  I really appreciate his kindness, trying to make me feel better.  But what’s the reason for renewing it when he no longer exists… and he is not going to get lost? I miss my big boy so much. Why, why did he have to go so soon?

 

[Nikki D]

I have been trying to do the 4-7-8 breathing exercise and just put the essential oil diffuser on. I hope it will pass soon.  

[MartyT]

Good for you, Nikki. What you've experienced is a grief burst, also known as a STUG (Sudden, Temporary Upsurge of Grief) ~ and notice the word "Temporary." This will pass, I promise.

In addition to the breathing exercise, I hope you've taken a look at our Tools for Healing forum. Lots of good suggestions there.

And if you're a Pinterest fan, be sure to check out Tools for Healing  ♥

[kayc]

Nikki,

I would keep the video but not look at it again until you are ready...it's just too soon to be able to handle it.  And the suggestion about aromatherapy is a good one, anything that helps!

(((hugs!)))

[Merlin]

9 hours ago, Nikki D said:

I have been trying to do the 4-7-8 breathing exercise and just put the essential oil diffuser on. I hope it will pass soon.  

I also use EO's and waiting for my Joy essential oil to come in a couple of weeks, that is supposed to help my grief over my loss of Merlin.     I hear you, I look for videos of Merlin, I have a need to see him moving, see him alive.   Makes him not be gone for a moment at a time.   Don't hide your emotions from your family, your grandkids will appreciate that it's ok to be sad losing a beloved pet and it helps you to go through the grief by not hiding, there is no shame in tears.

 

[Nikki D]

Thank you, everyone.

Marty, you were right!  It is passing. My breathing is back to normal today and I feel better. I thought I was going right back to how I was a few weeks ago because I had shortness of breath which felt like I was having some kind of panic attack. STUG is exactly what I was experiencing. 

Kayc, I think you are right. As much as I want to see Kura moving, and just like Merlin says, I want to "see him alive", I think it is still too raw for me... it throws me back to the reality that he is not physically here anymore - I can't see nor touch him, and I am not strong enough to accept it yet...

Merlin, I totally understand how you feel  "Makes him not be gone for a moment..." When my husband was washing windows yesterday, I asked him not to wash the front door window where Kura used to push his nose against as he watched me drive away. My husband understands and left that one alone. I don't want anything that has Kura's memories to disappear. I still can't wash the sheets and blankets he was using. 

Next time I'll try not to hide it. They have seen me cry so many times (my grand kids used to ask me if I still had boo-boo in my heart every time they came here!) until I was doing pretty well last week, and I didn't want my daughter to feel guilty for what she did. But next time I'll try not to hide when I feel like crying because I think that bottling up made the upsurge worse. 

[Nikki D]

There are too much going on and I've been feeling up and down this week.   My blood work result came in yesterday and now I am pre-diabetic (Type II) and cholesterol is on high side, too. I've been eating healthy and trying to exercise (walking and yoga) and have lost 3 pounds within 2 weeks. Dr. wanted to put me on Meformin but I asked if I could hold off and try to do this on my own without the medication. She said she didn't think I had much room to lose (weight), but I convinced her that 8 years ago, my weight was 30 lbs less than now and I think that's my best.  Since I was able to lose 3 lbs since the last visit, Dr. gave me a month to try on my own. 

But today I feel like I am in the shut-down mode again and I don't feel like doing anything. It is nice outside and it's a perfect day for walks but I am even struggling to take Saya for a walk. Good thing is that Saya doesn't mind much since she doesn't enjoy long walk as much as Kura did, because of her corns (plus the injury from killing a groundhog). 

Should I start a course such as  "Coping with Pet Loss"? I don't have any issue with people who don't understand pet loss, though... Everyone around me seems to understand it's a big deal. I'm just wondering if that would help me going through good grief stages and not get stuck in between? 

[enna]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kura. It does hurt so very much when our furbabies die.  I lost my Benji a while back and it still hurts. You asked if you should start a course on coping with pet loss ~ it is so individual but if you do I can highly recommend the e-course Marty wrote. I took it and it helped me to understand the pain I was feeling.

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/courses/pet-bereavement 

Anne

[kayc]

Nikki,

I'm sorry for your health diagnosis...I am Diabetic and also on medicine for my cholesterol.  In fact, the statins can cause Diabetes so it's a catch-22.  I walk twice a day every day regardless of weather for my health and for my dog's sniffing enjoyment.  Walking to them is an experience, it can relieve their boredom and it's their chance to learn about their environment, sniff what creatures have been by, etc.  There's days we don't enjoy it particularly, like when the weather is horrid, but we still go.  I think we keep each other on track and it's our time together too.

I hope you do consider the pet course, check it out.  

[Merlin]

Nikki thank you for sharing your story about not wiping the nose print, we also had a long streak on the living room window where our cat (Tough Guy) would sit to look out the window, it was a long time before we cleaned that part of the window.  

For your diabetes try taking a teaspoon of cinnamon a day, not straight of course but in various recipes.   Cinnamon helps to regulate type 2 diabetes.    My sister maintains hers strictly by diet she refuses all meds, she did take metformin once and almost lost all her hair and to this day is still extremely thin, this med can do permanent damage.   Find a happy medium in the foods you can enjoy and the foods that are not beneficial for diabetes, limit your carbs, sugar is hidden in so many foods too.  

[kayc]

The cinnamon they sell in the stores is Cassia (Coumarin), which doesn't help.  What we need is Ceylon, which they don't sell in the stores.  Some places they don't specify because they don't want you to know it's not what you'd hope.  I was able to get some on eBay, kind of expensive, but worthwhile to my health! I've been told some health food stores carry it but I don't have any nearby so it's easier for me to buy on line.

 

[Nikki D]

Thank you all for the helpful information!

By yesterday evening, I started to feel a little better and I was able to walk Saya (She walked about 15 minutes and she was done) and walk a little over a mile after that. When Kura was here, I could not have any excuses for not walking because he LOVED his walks and he would urge me... Saya doesn't so I have been lazy since Kura has passed...I still have EVERYTHING Kura was using out the way they were. I even change his water on his feeder every day, thinking he can drink it when he comes to visit. I would be so heartbroken if his nose prints get wiped off...

Yesterday in the afternoon, some EOs I ordered came in mail (perfect timing!) and I started using it right away. I used one called Stress Relief. It smells very relaxing and I've been using it all day today. 

I am going to check into the e-course. I suppose I get assignments via e-mail?  And cinnamon, too. I would do anything to avoid taking pharmaceuticals. 

I am supposed to check my blood sugar every morning with something I have to poke my finger to draw blood... My doctor gave me a prescription paper for me to take to a pharmacy to get it (I haven't got it yet). I do not like to see blood. I feel like getting sick just thinking about it... Dr. said I would get used to it. My husband says there should be something else which requires no poking out there. Does anybody know about these things???

[Merlin]

I had to poke Merlin (he was diabetic) and I did it on the ear.  The first time I was terrified at hurting him but he was a trooper and got to the point he didn't even flinch.   For cats we had to do what you call a 'Curve' once a month for one day every 2 hours then I sent those numbers to the vet, he always had good numbers.    I don't know what to say for humans, I've seen my sister do this and she said it got to the point it didn't hurt the blood was merely a tiny little drop doesn't keep bleeding, and yes, it is something to get used to.  

I'm so glad you are getting EO's to help and that you are feeling so much better, the memories are hard I know, I still expect to see Merlin walk into a room, feel him jump up on the bed (he was heavy), even his light purr I can hear in my ear sometimes and his brother is still looking for him and being very demanding.    Merlin was the one to demand feeding time, demand affection, he was the one who stood out and Louie, his brother, took the background, now Louie is being very up front in our face, it's like he's finally exerting his voice and being heard.