Pain

[Pandorasbox]

Today I am in pain. The crippling kind, that you just can't get rid of, no matter what you do.

I know that I am still in shock, and at the very beginning of the grief process, but how long does this all-encompassing, paralizing pain last? I know that there is no set timeline for grief, but this type of pain can't last forever. I know that there will be times, here and there, throughout life, that it will come up, again, but I'm talking about at the beginning.

For those of you who have been going through this, for some time, how long did it take to get past the daily heart-wrenching pain? How long was it before you felt as though you could get through an entire day without your chest exploding?

[Steve]

my deepest condolences on your loss, Pandora. i dont think i can give an answer to you on your question though. for me, that pain was very raw for some time. i remember my dad having us still take a trip on a plane the same week my mm died, and on the plane thinking that i wouldnt even care if it crashed. and in some ways, thats how ive approached life since then.

the physical feelings lasted a while. thinking back, i was a mess in some ways even at high school graduation, and the summer, and even college starting.

however, for the traumatic feeling, it fades when you dont notice it. however, looking back, the best i felt during that time was talking about her. after the pain of getting the words out, there seemed to be a relief talking about her. just as i get a relief now talking about her.

[Daddy's Girl]

I am truely sorry for your loss. As for me I don't know if the pain ever goes away it just becomes milder, it almost takes on a different form. I still have the urge to call my dad when I have a bad day or just call him to see how he is doing. When I get the urge I feel so empty.

I remember when my dad first died and I went back to work, I thought that I was never going to make through the days. I am a teacher so the first week back I did not do a lot of teaching, but the following week I made myself get up in front of that classroom and it helped. Partly because kids need so much attention they don't let you think about anything else. It helped to distract me. I am also working on my master's and I started working out. I try to keep myself busy so that I do not get caught up in feeling empty. What keeps me going is that I know my dad would not want me walking around like a zombie. He was so proud of me and he would want me to continue the things that I did when he was alive. Most days are hard, but what you find is that the sad days seem to get further and further apart until it only happens once in a while.

I hope this helps.

Daddy's Girl

[eaglesoaring]

Dear Pandoras box

I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the pain. I understand this kind of pain.

Today I am in pain. The crippling kind, that you just can't get rid of, no matter what you do.

I lost my dad 10 1/2 years ago, and in the beginning for about the first year or so, I had the raw pain. It did begin to ease, now the pain is much better, it is not so very raw, and at least I can breathe with my chest feeling like it will explode. I lost my Mom in Nov. 05 so am still in the raw period here.

I know that I am still in shock, and at the very beginning of the grief process, but how long does this all-encompassing, paralizing pain last? I know that there is no set timeline for grief, but this type of pain can't last forever. I know that there will be times, here and there, throughout life, that it will come up, again, but I'm talking about at the beginning.

For those of you who have been going through this, for some time, how long did it take to get past the daily heart-wrenching pain? How long was it before you felt as though you could get through an entire day without your chest exploding?

For me with dad I would say a year or so. Now I can remember my dad and not have it hurt, when I see a shooting star I say hello to my dad and tell him I love him. The pain is mostly gone, more sadness and missing him over that crushing pain. Hope this helps. Take care, Debbie

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

[Pandorasbox]

Thank you all for your replies. A year seems like an awfully long time. Not that I can control it, and not that I have any desire to rush the process, but since I am already going through a painful process (see thread Still In Shock), I'm afraid that this is going to go on, and on, and on.

The pain I feel over what happened to my family is as severe as this, though it's a different kind of pain. That pain is still there, and now I've got this pain on top of it all. At this point I feel as if I'm going to feel like this forever. I know I won't, but it's so hard not to feel that way when you're right smack dab in the middle of it.

Does anyone else have any experience with compounded pain? Going through the painful grief process over two different things, at once(only one of them bereavement). How do/did you get through it?

[Guest Guest_Shubom_*]

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 6 years ago, and the first year was horrible. I screamed and cried every day. For me, the pain lessened, but it took about 3 years before I was able to talk about my father without tearing up. Now I feel double pain. I just lost my mother about 2 months ago, and the pain for my father has resurfaced. Having my mother around made me feel like my dad was still around. But now they are both gone and it hurts bad. Below is what I wrote on another board about how I feel. I'm just too distraught to rewrite again:

I miss my mom so much I feel like throwing up. My dad passed away a

few years ago, and she was all we had. No warning, just poof she's gone !

I am still in shock. A few months before, my family planned an out of town trip, but I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and keep mom company. Well mom passed away before the trip, and my family convinced me into going

anyways to get away. I tried my best to keep my head up, but memories came like lightning flashes. As I was packing, I looked at my mom's little red suitcase and couldn't stop crying. I could picture her packing a week's worth of clothing in it and us laughing at how she did it. It hurt at baggage claim when I saw a little red suitcase. I wished so hard it was hers ! So many memories, the airplane, the rental car, the hotel room. The traditions we had, all gone. I wasn't sure if I was ready to get away. And I was right. Being in another city far away made me realize how alone I really am without her. Both parents gone, no one to call at my house to let them know where I'm at. This hurts so much. I feel so mad at them, I feel so lost like a scared little girl with no one where to go. I packed my mom's favorite sweater with me. It makes me feel like she's close. I cried and slept with it all night.

As far as time to heal, I try to draw from what I experienced after my father's death, but I realize that it's different. Me and my mom were close, and we became much closer after my dad died. It frightens me to think how long it will take for me to be ok. I'm afraid it will be never.

[tattoodlb]

Hi Pandora..pain...hmmm...my mom died very unexpectedly 2 1/2 years ago and I was in shock and did not really feel pain until about 6-8 months later, then it hit me and I cried and cried. Before that, my step father died on Thanksgiving right after dinner and my 4-month-old nephew died 2 days before Christmas so in 9 months, I lost some very important people and everything added up and I was a mess for a few months. I mainly kept myself busy so I would't think of it, and now I still think of it but I am angry that things happened the way they did. I don't know if I believe the term "life is short" because it isn't really, it is what we make of it that gives us that impression..if we don't enjoy life and we go on thinking how short life is, then it IS and we have done nothing but waste it. I have actually been stuck thinking of my own death and I get scared and think, Hey, I am NOT going to be here forever! WOW...that is frightening and I have panic attacks now and then and feeling powerless over death is also scary and dealing with so much death in such a short amount of time has lead me to feel these things. I know everyone is different and we all perceive the world differently but when your Parents die, then your own mortality becomes sharply focused and somehow I think that our pain is part of that feeling. I miss my mom, my step dad and my nephew, I miss my gramma and grampa and those who have gone but I also miss my youth and "the good ol' days" yet we keep plugging along, trying to make things better and I think the pain actually dims a bit but doesn't go away because when your parents die, you suddenly "grow up" and realize that, WOW, I have to live for ME and make myself happy and do the right thing for ME..and then the world is suddenly scary because I mean, it is OUR parents here that are Gone, they kept us safe and taught us important things about life and treating others right and having respect for life, so now we have to do that on our own, we have to carry on with what our parents left us and we have to remember them because they were important, they ARE important because we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them...so, I have to say that losing one's parents is hard, damn hard and scary and I think it helps us gain the confidence we need to go on for the rest of our lives and make good choices and honor our parents by living, enjoying this life we have and smiling and laughing and crying if we have to; but our happy memories of our parents is what will keep us going. I made a collage and photo album of my mom and her life and that was a very big help for me. I have a photo and an urn with some of her ashes on my bookcase along with my cat's ashes and I remember them for love and I get sad because they are not here with me, but yet, they are here with me and they come when I remember and they made my life very happy when they were here and I must be thankful for that, because if we do not feel love and joy, then the pain is just too much and it crushes us. I guess what I want to say is that through the pain, you will make it and then the memories will bring peace and happiness in time and as long as you remember, you will be alright. It is not easy, but then again, I'm sure your mom (and/or dad as the case may be with others who are reading this) didn't have it all peaches and cream when you were younger either (as did any of our parents . Take care.

[tootie]

Pandorasbox, I am so so sorry for your loss. I have only this to add..........I am glad that your children were able to remember your dad as the wonderful man he was & all of the kindness he showed them.

Three years ago now I lost my mom, her & my dad were my sons best friends. He was only 8 at the time, & did not really understand why she had to go. But at least he still had grandpa..........he thought.......well the pain was so hard for my dad to bear that he turned all of his pain into major anger. He beat my son, myself & my daughter...we had moved in with him per his begging after mom passed away, & now that my dad had lost his mind & was ao angry & mean we had no place to go. My husband was woking out of town & we did not have any money saved up, we lived paycheck to paycheck, so we had to live in our car for about 6 months before we found a home to live in. A year ago my dad died & I was filled with a tremendous relief. I know this sounds cold, but what he had done to me & my family was so wrong. I know he was hurting, but so were we & with all his beatings & name calling & abuse I was finally glad it was over. My son now is filled with so much anger & pain, I can not controll him. I sit alone at night & cry, because I no longer know what to do, or how to handle it. I hope that you can get over the numbness, & carry on, I know it is hard, but I wish you all the best!!!

Tootie