I can take advice, but how can I give advice?

[Margm]

I come on here and read people with problems that seem insurmountable.  There are young people, people from other countries, different cultures, different losses, older people like myself who trudge through their days, some people that are afraid to get out of their houses.  We have lost our "Mr. Fix-it" and he or she was able to fix each day that we could comfortably live out our life.  Then, poof they are gone.  I wonder about people we have met on this forum.  The woman whose husband was murdered, the one with the young children.  I don't know where she went.  I hope she was able to get help, OMGosh, that woman needed help.  Our little mother from Brussels, Debbi, trying to face a country filled with terrorists and a young son just old enough to be the target of trouble.  We lose people somewhere along the way.  They had a voice.  I think there were two separate people from South Africa, different cultures, different lives, did they get help?  One of our "old timers" left and I read between the lines why.  I know he was not through lending a voice, we valued his voice, but maybe he needed to get away rather than share in the suffering we mostly do.  He seemed a loner and maybe our hurting made him hurt all the more. What is for me is not for everyone.  

Many a time I have written a long "short story" like I am doing now.  I go back and read it over and erase all the words.  That is all they were, just words. What do I know?  True, I just lost my mother, but you see, it seems I lost her a long time ago so the suffering sort of straight-lined.  My kids, middle aged people, are seeing that maybe instead of taking, instead of being needy, they see I won't be here forever, maybe not much longer even and one of them is growing up finally.  Billy and I were terrible enablers and one is still asking, one is still taking, but eventually even that one will have to understand that I cannot be here forever.  

And the young widows, the widowers, the ones with young children that have to go it alone.  They cannot see a life in front of them, but me being so much older, me having lived many more years, I see that life ahead of them, even if they cannot. 

And the rest of us.  Well, we are still here, and like Billy said "the one left must stay."  Do we have any choice.  Natural death is a choice but suicide is not.  Coming off the amphetamines in the 1970's, I once saw suicide as a choice.  It was an angry choice.  I'm glad I did not take that choice.  Life is worth living, given a chance, giving yourself a chance, we might not be happy right now, but just trying to get Billy's heart, his granddaughter, having a life of her own, trying to see that innocent life live, that is one element of happiness.  Please just live.  One foot in front of the other until you can walk a block, a mile, the rest of your life.  Not to honor the ones we lost, although that is not unreasonable, but just to honor ourselves.  

[KATPILOT]

This is the most profound and insightful post I have read in a long, long time. Observing the suffering of many, we have learned and grown and yes, even suffered with our fellow members. Love will do that to a person. I believe that in our grief and our sorrow we have become new people much more sensitive to the loss of others and more importantly, learned more about ourselves.  We do honor ourselves Marg and we honor every one else by living on. Thank you for posting that long "short story". It made me feel better just to have read it.

[ChinUp54]

Thank you so much for writing this Marg.  We had an unexpected loss this week. My good friends' pup was killed Sunday evening in a tragic, unexpected way. She is jet black and bolted into the street after dark, was hit by a car and killed instantly.  I saw one of my friends last evening and we both hugged and cried.  She is so raw (as am I) and doesn't know how she will get through this.  For me, finding the right words to say may have gotten easier particularly from being a part of this site.  So your words today ring very true for me, especially right now.  I've learned to listen because when we are grieving often what we need is simply to be heard and I gave her that space. Then I offered what I have learned over the last six months or so that it's okay to feel what you're feeling.  Honor it, feel it and let it flow through you. From her expression and reaction it helped. It's all just so very sad.

Thank you for posting this today. You have helped me tremendously.

[marsha]

Marg, don't erase those words, ever. I take into my heart everything you say. And yes, I worry about those who come here...and then don't. 

[kayc]

Me too, Marg, you share about the ones we've encountered over the years and yes I wonder where they went, how they are doing.  We've learned so much...the hard way.  You remind me that life is a gift...perhaps that's why my dear MIL continued to live on...and on...and on, long after her body had shut down, one organ at a time.  She WILLED herself to live!  She didn't want to miss one day with her grandchildren!  The woman with the greatest heart, I was so lucky to get her for a MIL, she was not only that, she was my best friend.  She's been gone 29 years September 17th, it seems hard to believe.  Some things I'm glad she didn't live to see, other things I wish she were alive to see.  And I wonder, does she see it anyway?  Did she see my son graduate Summa Cum Laude with all of his engineering degrees and straight A's through college, debt free, no help from anyone?  I hope so, I hope she got to share in that moment...he was two when she died, and she adored him.  Does she see his daughter now?  Does she know the person my daughter married, what a wonderful man she got, has she gotten to know his humor and sweet spirit?

They say there is but a veil between this and the other side...I hope it is thin, I hope sometimes it is transparent.

[iPraiseHim]

Great topic, Marg M. The grief that we go through seems to give us another perspective of life we didn't really sign up for.  The older I get the more I know that i don't know.  I hope and pray that each person who journeys through our grief healing discussion group will find what they need to help them through their journey.

This place is one of those hidden in plain sight jewels of the internet.  I am so glad I found y'all.  I don't consider myself a wise wizard but I do want to help others who are searching for answers about how to deal with the most profound loss that I believe anyone has to face. 

I believe that each person's loss is profound and tragic in their life.  I have been pondering how to explain to others this profound grief and loss but I don't know how to convey that before a person goes through it.  Now, I will gently encourage them to visit here and hopefully they will find the help they need.  Thanks for sharing your heart Marg M.  What you write is profound when you are sharing your heart to us; your beloved friends.  Shalom