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  • Birthday 12/22/1948

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    sherman house/phoenix, arizona

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    scottsdale, arizona
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    Kathy taught me how to love and will remain in my heart for all time. Only because of what she taught me can I love once again.
    I am Patty's biggest fan. She teaches me courage.

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  1. One of the hardest things about the business of grieving is what we have to hear over and over again. I have learned to smile when I hear those comments now because.... What can you say? The more years that pass bring more bewildered expressions from the "over it yeters?" and so why bother to explain. The beauty of true love is how nothing can kill it. Our memories of the love we shared stays with us and so it fuels grief. That is not as bad as it sounds for even though we may be stronger as the years pass, some form of grief remains and perhaps when we accept it, we can let the good memories control how we go on. I am happier now than I have been in a long, long while and with good reason but my new bride and I will always talk about how we miss them and give each other a hug when it hurts. I cannot see that ever ending. There is a trick and a learned behavior in how we deal with those comments but remember this. There will always be those in our lives that get it. Hang on to those people for they wear a badge, a very special badge.
  2. I love it! We draw our strength and courage from wherever we can. And yes, sometimes it has to be enough.
  3. Apparantly Love Has Come Again

    The last two weeks have been wonderful and as I said to Patty, "We deserve a little happiness". July 18th 2017 Our day. This begins a new chapter of our lives and even though we parted in San Francisco yesterday I will be going back to Maui on August 4th to bring my bride back home for good. On August 9th the pod will be picked up containing the Maui Pasta kitchen bringing it to it's new home here in Scottsdale and we already found a place with a good landlord and five months free rent to get it established. What a difference a continent makes.
  4. Apparantly Love Has Come Again

    It has been a busy week so I missed this on Friday. A great post by Kelly. I am happy for her for it takes courage to go down that path.  She wrote: "Its such a strange feeling. I have been in love before. My husband was my best friend, my forever love. But I am different now. I have crawled out of the grief of this loss as a different person than the one I was when I married Don."   Different would be a good way to describe someone after six years along grief's journey. We are not the same person who was left behind those years ago. A good thing to remember however is how we may have crawled out of despair we live forever in a valley of loss. That loss can never be erased by time or even new love. I spent much of yesterday cleaning out dressers and cabinets to make room for Patty in this house, our house. Last trip with Patty we took another large load of Kathy's clothes to the White Dove keeping just a few items which mean so much to me. They now hang in a closet along with a few special items of Ron's and it seems simply perfect. When I was cleaning out some more things yesterday however I came upon a stash of hidden triggers I forgot were there. At the same time I was doing that Patty was melting down with her own stash of triggers clearing out her house on Maui to pack and discard. Since we Skype almost all the time we could share with each other the anguish we were feeling. It doesn't go away. There will always be times when it hits you even after six years but you have to know that going in. If you can't share that with your new love I would fear what that implies. Patty and I are not the kind of people who can keep emotions a secret. We also have to have those little meltdowns to be ours alone. Sure you can talk about it but they are still yours to own.  In reading Kelly's blog I remembered her years ago, newly widowed and hardly looking for a relationship. We do change however and for her it seems she has been looking for such a relationship for a couple of years now. That is her path. That is her grief. Mine was so different in that it was not at all what I wanted or sought..... But it happened just the same. Now I realize something quite important about what I feel. It came from my discovery of the snow globe Kathy and I bought at Disneyland when we got married. It is also a music box that played a song which dug deep into my heart. I have been aware for sometime that like Kelly the love I have for Patty came quickly yet was not rushed. What I also realized is that I love Patty more deeply than anyone I have ever loved before and I know why that happened. Kathy taught me how to love and had she lived it would have been deeper and stronger than at the moment she left. If it had not been for her I would not have been able to go deeper today. She made this all possible and it does not discount or lessen the love I have and always shall for her.
  5. Great way to look at it Darrel. One step at a time. That's a good way to work your way up. I find that taking breaks after each little climb renewed my energy to climb even higher.
  6. The Right Tool For The Job

    Good words Kay. We do and must take what we can and leave the rest. I like hearing about George and the man he was. Smart guy. That's why he connected with you. I know from my own life's experiences that I would never have been right for Kathy had I not grown the way I had before we met. The same feeling goes with Patty for we both were so different just a few years ago and how we grew to be open to melting into one another. I'd like to think I am learning to be a better person and pray I don't quit striving for that. I laugh to think of the tools I used as a young man. Took a long time to realize that you don't turn a screw with a hammer.
  7. Most of my adult life I have employed a simple concept of using the right tool for the job. I enjoyed working on my cars and my airplane doing as much as I could do with the knowledge I had gained and I have collected quite a few specialty tools to do just one certain task such as say a torque wrench for the correct pound pressure for different bolts. I preface what I am about to say to that single concept. Over my griefs journey I found tools in this same fashion to help me grow and hopefully be less sad. Early on I found grief counseling and then support groups. Soon after I found books and articles that helped me deal with the loss I was enduring. Then of course I discovered this wonderful place and shared while listening to others my experience and sorrow. Going on seven years now I can say the machine is running much better but it still isn't perfect. It still hurts and I still miss her. What is different is that I have grown and I am stronger. I don't cry often but I know now that if I do let myself have that cry it becomes a tool in itself. I took a class in becoming a grief support group facilitator recently with the idea of adding another tool in my griefs tool box. What it did was remind me that everyone's grief is different and the same tools for me don't always fit others. It is like the difference between metric and standard wrenches or a phillips screwdriver as opposed to a flat head, or nitrogen as opposed to oxygen. "The right tool for the job". I took the class to learn what not to say but I learned even more about myself. I learned that in trying to help others I was helping myself. I picked up a few new tools to help me let go of guilt and after all these years I think it is about time. But time is the thing you see. In this class I was instructed on how to recover from grief in eight short weeks. Egad.! That was where we parted company. I understood the concept that was being directed but I knew in my heart of hearts that you just can't pay money, do the homework, read the books, and walk away healed.Grief is not a bomb you can disarm by following the instructions. I was the only member of the class not there to find a new source of income so I kind of stood out. I wanted to stand up and say that after the years I have had since my wife died I would never change a thing. For me a lesson that you take time learning is a lesson well learned. Sure it hurt but I kept on working and even in my sorrow I found ways to smile. When I was told about the seven lies in grief and one in particular was "Time heals all wounds", it had me starting to stand up, say "That's it. I'm out of here", and walk away from it. I'm glad I chose to stay. Time though is a funny thing. It may not heal "all wounds", but it was most certainly my friend and time allowed me to heal. It was right for me. However we choose to learn, grow, and yes........heal, we must do what is right for us. We need to go to the tool store and find what our machine needs. One thing is for certain. We are not new machines. We are older, tried and tested, and always remember. They don't make them like this anymore.
  8. Just a friendly reminder that the donate button could always use a little pushing. We did good with the auction but it is only one way to help fund this discussion group. Friends let's always remember what we would be like without it. Bless you all for what you are going through and what you do to help each other.
  9. Marita that is about the most profound description I have ever heard describing this sanctuary.
  10. Simultaneous Grief and Love

    As I write this Patty is half way across the pond heading back to Maui to start loading the pod to ship the restaurant and her house to Scottsdale. She made it through her daughters graduation which I was blessed with the chance to see. I met her daughter for the first time. Ron had paid for her college education and I know it hurt Patty for him not to be there to see but I think he was and I bet he did see. He was proud as heck. I am certain of that. Now comes the next hard part which is the dismantling of home and business. I know this will be a difficult time as well but by mid August it and she will be calling this place home. Of course I didn't tell her much about the heat. It's supposed to reach 120 by Wednesday but who can tell right? In four weeks we will be married on a beach in Maui and that is like a dream come true...........a dream neither of us had, wanted, or expected but it happened just the same. I know all of this happened for a reason, a reason bigger than ourselves.
  11. The fact is Ron will be there Patty. He wouldn't miss it for the world. In reference to the "the business going down" ? Not hardly. Maui Pasta and Ron's dream continue. It's just moving to a new location. In the words of Jim Lovell, commander of Apollo 13, "Our mission was considered a successful failure". Maui Pasta will indeed fly again. I wanted to post this picture at Ron's ceremony when his ashes were placed in the warm Maui ocean and I hope you don't mind because it shows the love and the loss for both you and your daughter for a good and loving man. He was for certain the father she knew and loved.
  12. Lena is going to be in a movie!

    That is so cool Laura. Does she need a social security number now?
  13. Simultaneous Grief and Love

    When you skype with someone almost twenty four hours a day you get a sense of their day and what they are going through. I don't mind admitting that I do that for as Patty and I go through our busy day at work I can stop and watch what she is doing. Today is the last day of operation of Maui Pasta in Hawaii and as I write this I am watching her cook in a frenzy. She set a record yesterday for the most money made in one day mostly because over 4000 facebook followers read that she was closing. I saw a lady put a lea over her neck and that kind of hit me. So many people there love her and will miss her badly. If she makes it just three more hours it will be over and that brings emotions all of their own. I feel rather helpless because I am back here in Scottsdale now working my own business. I have said that she teaches me courage. She teaches me more that that.
  14. Brad I'm glad you did it. I was thinking the other day about how my life has changed so much over the last six years that included a lot of things that were not Kathy's favorite ideas but they were and are mine. When you love someone and spend your life with them you tend to give up some of your own desires but then so did Deedo and so did Kathy. Life is a compromise when you live together as one. We do things they want and they do things we want. I watched a lot of Dancing With The Stars and American idol but Kathy watched a lot of Star Trek too. We did those things out of love but when you are alone you find yourself eventually doing the things you like just because you can. There is a bit of an empty feeling in it though. At least it feels that way for me. Now I am embarking on a new adventure and I can compromise in my future once again. Strangely I rather welcome it for I don't see myself enjoying a life enjoying my stuff alone. I look forward to sharing them with my best friend. I look forward to the compromise again. We are all different but I think I belong in that environment. I am glad though that I did do some things just for myself over these last few years. I'm glad you did too.
  15. Simultaneous Grief and Love

    Kathy always told me that life is short. To waste it would be a shame. I suppose I learned that truth when she died so young but in the time we had we did some stuff. No regrets really but wishing the days had been more. Now I realize that I am older than I was when I first understood that simple truth and how it rings more true than ever. I will take no day for granted in my new life and waste not a one. As we order a pod to move Maui Pasta and Patty's home across the Pacific to end up here in Scottsdale I find excitement and anticipation in this new adventure for she is coming here. I have it easy because I see her headlights coming. She has it hard looking in the rear view mirror. But one day we shall smile again and find ourselves alive once more.