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Hello,

My journey into the bowels of hell began on Oct 25, 2010.  That was the day my life (and me) forever changed. It's funny the things you remember from the worst days of your life but the one thing I remember clearly was thinking, "its too beautiful a day to die". My oldest son Christopher was driving home from his job as a teacher and traveling down a very windy narrow road. He was also driving too fast for the curves on this road. He was also very tired. It is believed he feel asleep at the wheel, but we will never know for sure. He died at the scene, but they were able to get his heart started after a while and he was medivaced to a nearby hospital.  They did all they could to try and save him but finally a few doctors came into the room where we were waiting (some of my siblings and their spouses were with us by then) and said the words you only expect to hear on a TV show, "we're sorry but we did everything we could". There were other things, but the main thing was what they said at the end. We could go into his room to say goodbye (my husband and I and 2 of our kids, our youngest son was in the Marines and we had yet to tell him anything.) and then we could come out and the others could go in. I asked if they would pull the plug then and he said, "you misunderstood me, there is no plug to pull, your sons heart will simply stop in about an hour on its own."  So we went in and then I told my daughter, go get the rest, there is no way I am going to leave him here. SO we stood there waiting for the inevitable end. The days and months rolled by but I couldn't for the life of me tell you what I did or said or thought on any given day. Few days stood out, one being when we found out our son was being deployed to Afghanistan, and I was actually given the opportunity to keep him from being sent overseas. Oh my God, I could keep him safe and he would not be in harms way, and just imagine the shock as my mouth said, "Ya...NO.  I looked down at my mouth in shock wondering where that had come from. Then I realized why I had said it, there was no way I could tell me son that my need to keep him safe supersedes his right to follow his dream.  He deployed almost 3 months after his brother died. WE also sent him to Florida on his leave before deployment so he could say goodbye to my Mom. My mother died five months and a day after my son. These are the few memories I have after my son died. A year and a few months later, I became sick with a rare autoimmune disease and my second born son is having a lot of seizures ( he was in a serious car crash the summer before we was a senior in HS and had crushed the right side of his face). On the plus side, my youngest son was coming home from the Marines. He arrived home on Oct 19 2012. SO the six that was now five of us are struggling to keep going on and now we are having to learn who exactly this young man that stands before is? He went away a boy but standing before us is a young man that we know but don't recognize, and he is clueless on how to help his brother who struggles with seizures. Trust me, it got pretty ugly for a while, until he actually saw what a seizure was and how it affected his brother. But Fate or Life is a tricky fellow with a mean streak a mile long. Two years, one month and a few days  after my oldest son Christopher died, my son Stephen found his brother in the garage unresponsive and his lips were blue. He tried for 15 minutes to revive him until they police came, they tried for 10 minutes or so before the EMT's came. After about 10 minutes they were able to get a heart beat. I am not sure that was the best thing. As we sat vigil at yet another child's hospital bed a doctor came in to give me "good news"  If they could get him to breathe on his own, he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life.  YES, I lost it. Enough said about that, it wasn't pretty or nice. So in two years, I buried a son, sent another off to war, buried my mother and then buried another son. I am still not "over it" as some people think I should be but I am better than I was. Or am I?

For years my daughter wanted a little lap dog, instead of saying no to her, my husband said if you can afford to buy it, then you can have one. Well 4 years later with her brother Christopher's help, she had the money. Sophia Belle entered her life and stole my heart. Yes, technically she belonged to my my daughter, but Sophia followed me everywhere, she was in all aspects my dog. If it weren't for her, I don't think I would have survived all the deaths, she gave me a reason to get up every day. She saved me. On July 12, she became sick, very sick. On July 14 her red blood cells were down to 9, she was dying, she had a seizure, she didn't have the energy to walk and after a while she couldn't even wag her tail at me. So we ( I ) had to make the decision the let her go. AND as I was with my boys as they passed, I was with her holding her tight and telling her it was OK to go home. She would have been 8 on July 19 2017.

And just as I lied to my sons, I lied to her as well.  IT WAS NOT OK TO LEAVE. There I have said it. But now the debilitating grief is back, I am lost without her and I still as I leave the house say, "I will be right back little bit" only to realize she won"t be here. And I feel like I am losing the last piece of Christopher since he helped pay for her and taught her how to go down stairs. 

Grief really stinks and all I want to do is sleep. 

 

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Oh my dear one, how my heart hurts for you as I read your story. I simply cannot imagine the depth of your pain. I am so very sorry to learn of all the most horrible losses you've endured. Way too much for one mother to take. Way too much, and so very, very unfair. Please know that you have found your way to a safe and caring place, here among kindred spirits all, and where you'll be greeted with open arms and compassionate hearts. We are all bound by the common experience of significant loss, and you are most welcome here.  

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Sometimes there are just no words but I wanted you to know that I read your story and I am so very sorry for all your grief. Those of us who come here do so because we all have one thing in common and that is we have lost loved ones. Our grief needs to be expressed and this forum is a safe and caring place to do so. Of course, you are still struggling ~ how could you not be. Sending you a hug.

Anne

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The first thought that struck me as I was reading all of this was, "You are an amazing and wonderful mom."  That you value your son's dream ahead of your own possible pain...

I am so sorry for all of your losses.  I don't understand why some people go through so much more than others, I quit asking "why" in the year after my husband died...there is no possible reason given under the heavens that could make any sense to us.  I appreciate your expressing yourself here, I think that's important, to acknowledge our loss and grief.  Give voice to it, it matters, your feelings matter.

Today was my daughter's due date, she lost her precious sought after baby, then her husband left.  July 25th will never be the same to us again.

It's no surprise to me that your little dog's death is hitting you so hard.  I find dogs to be one of God's greatest gifts to us, they ask so little and give so much.  They seem so in tuned to us, and loving.  My dog has been the joy in my life and my incentive for keeping going.  I know I will lose him someday, I try not to think about it, when the time comes I will have to make it through the same way I always have the horrible hard places, one day at a time.  Our hearts ache for the ones we've lost.  

I agree with your statement that I'm not sure it gets better, we eventually adjust as much as one can, we can learn to be better at coping, with me it's been learning little things along the way that help my focus, but grief is a challenge at best and very exhausting, as you've found.

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I hope you will continue to update us as you desire to, I'm sorry it hurts so much. :(

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The thing that hurts so much from all this, is watching our other dog grieve for his pal, his little buddy. He barks, he wails, he hurts and there are no words I can say that he will understand. The "Boy" as he is fondly calls, has never been alone. He came to our house (a gift from my sons girlfriend to him), when he was a puppy, we had a dog so they became playmates. Michael moved out for a bit and took his dog with him, and the house he moved into had a dog, so once again he had a playmate. When Michael moved back home with the dog, he was with our dog until little Sophia Belle entered our lives.  This dog would go nuts when I took Sophia for grooming and wouldn't settle down until she was back home. We quickly learned after her first grooming, to not have the groomer put a bow in her hair, they both hated it and worked for a while to remove said bow. But now he keeps up all up barking, wailing and well, grieving.  It breaks my heart.  During the day, he follows me around, everywhere, he does not want to be separated from me.  

This dog is extremely smart, when we walk in after being gone awhile he says hello, yes you read right, you can hear the hello as he "talks" to us.  It's pretty comical. The other thing Spanky does is really interesting. I mentioned I have a rare autoimmune disease, well he can tell when I am going to have a flare-up a half hour before I know.  he will come over and stand guard over me and then he will start whining and pet me with his paw, then stand guard over me again. Now my kids know when I am not feeling well, the dog will  not leave my side.  

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That is amazing!  Like a self-appointed service dog!  I'm sorry he is grieving so hard, I know how hard that is.  My Lucky grieved when my husband died.  It's hard to bring comfort to their hearts because we're not the one they're missing, all we can do is love them and give them attention. :(

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On 24/7/2017 at 6:22 PM, StillStruggling said:

 IT WAS NOT OK TO LEAVE.

 

I understand. I feel the same about my boyfriend's passing. 

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I"be lost my mother, father, three grandparents,and my first baby.But I can't imagine losing one of my sons or my daughter, two would be beyond devastating.I see how my grandfather is since my mom passed last year and I don't know how he keeps going.I'm very sorry about your fur baby to.Animals are also family, and getting  the dog was  a wonderful  kind.act of your son's.It would break anyone's heart to have to endure so much.My fur babies (cats) are my other children.You have gone through much more than anyone should ever have to.Im so, so sorry.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your son and of your mom . I also so sorry the sweet dog is going thru a hard time of grieving also.   Sudden Unexpected death is so difficult to go thru .

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Thank you, it has been a very difficult journey. My oldest son and I were very close, he was a mini me in terms of personality.  He told me everything and I miss the odd, weird conversations we would engage in. He GOT me and I him. He helped pay for the little puppy and loved that dog. My second born son (and second one to die) was me as a child. I never spoke to anyone, I just watched the world go by, I called him my watcher, always on the lookout to make sure we were all safe. I called my oldest son, my fellow lover of all left turns.  When the world went right we went left, we loved finding hidden gems along our way.

 

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