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ANN.K

What is normal and does life better better can anyone relate

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I lost my son 9/2013 for what a medical examiner labeled SIDS although the circumstances surrounding his death were questionable however my husband and I had decided to leave it in God's hands almost a year after, I lost a second son, still born, I suffered a placental abruption and narrowly escaped with my own life and woke up to hysterectomy. I'v heard everyone tell me grieving takes time but im so mad and sad all the time and its been over 4 years. I feel like much of my life is avoiding others cause I can' stand to see them with there families, or see the happiness on there faces. Im tired of talking about what has happened or hasnt happened. Im tired of explaining to ppl why at my age i dont have kids. I feel like a very mean person and i was never this way prior to all of this i hate that I have so much anger I hate the fact that I lived and they did not, i hate that I could not protect them, i hate that my life has never nor will ever be the same. My husband and I are riding this same roller coaster of emotions where I feel like we literall have split personalities or some sort of bi polar disorder that fluxiates by the minute. How does someone accept this, how does someone accept what has been layed out before them. I am so afraid i am being punished and i will out live everyone i know or be so bitter that when i die I am truly going to be all alone. I am petrified of losing anyone else. I don' know what makes ppl happy, i dont know how to be happy, it' been more then 4 years and I feel like I have no one who can even closely relate to how I feel I dont know whats normal anymore. I can' talk to anyone, and its so incredibly difficult to find a good therapist, but i know question there ability to help me help myself to become happy again, to let go of the anger and the resentment. Please help I dont think I can let go of the anger. I wanted a family of my own so very much and feel like anything or anyone that I have loved unconditional has been taken away or has walked out of my life, how does someone cope with that

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Ann,

My heart goes out to you.  I went through countless years of infertility and lost three before I was finally able to have two.  My own daughter is now 35 and going through what you are. To top it off, her husband left her when she was still grieving the fresh loss of their baby (second loss).  I understand your feelings, it's very hard.  I remember feeling those same things seeing everyone so happy with their young families and worst of all someone asking you why you don't have children, don't you like them?  Not wanting to open up to them and go into it, but I've been sent to tears time and again with such insensitive lines of questioning, often from children.

Being afraid of losing someone else comes with grief...I lost my husband unexpectedly 12 1/2 years ago and it's been quite a journey learning how to adjust to this loss and all it has meant to my life.  I do hope you will continue your search to find a good grief counselor.  The anger is normal in grief but there does come a time it benefits us to learn to let go of it so it doesn't poison us, it's a lot to carry around, but a good counselor will be able to help you with knowing the right time and way.  You ask how you cope with everyone being taken away, gosh that's how I felt, this is what I wrote from what I've learned in my 12 years grief journey from loss of my husband...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering, dear Ann, and I hope you will take Kay's words to heart. I also encourage you to read this article, and take a look at all the additional articles and resources listed at the base: Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

You are not alone in what you are experiencing, and I hope you will take advantage of the support that is available to you. 

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Wow, that would be so hard and I can't imagine the devastation of losing two babies!  I miscarried once but had children after and it helped w my healing.  Might I suggest that instead of avoiding family and children and babies, you absorb into loving on them and experiencing love without having to explain yourself? You could just give a simple answer and leave it there.  You don't have to go into details.  This is not a punishment from God or anyone and it isn't something you have deserved.  No one is out to hurt or get you, it is sad and sometimes life just sucks!  Hard things happen to good people and there aren't always answers or reasons.   Getting involved in volunteering with maybe those babies who have no one to hold or love them might help heal you too.  Yes, it will be hard at first, but giving love to those in need heals our own hurts.  Also, taking magnesium and ginseng will together help calm your stress and get rid of those sticky negative thoughts and ruts we can get in.  Hope this helps at least a little.  God bless, praying for you!

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Thank you for your insightful response, Kimmy, when we have been through these losses, we understand...we never forget what it feels like.  In the beginning it may be hard for her to watch others who seemingly have children easily and quickly, at least it was for me.  I didn't remove myself from it, I toughed it out, these were my friends, but it was very hard, and would be followed by coming home in tears and anguish.  In time, after losing three, I finally accepted that I might not have children.  And then I had my daughter, and my son.  Life doesn't always make sense.  I watch my own daughter's struggles with all that life throws at her and am so proud of her strength and resilience, she's a remarkable woman.  I think the best thing we can do is equip our children for dealing with life because it sure seems to throw us curves.

 

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Ann, first of all *hugs*...Hug your husband for me too. You two hold tight to each other.  I had lost people close to me before but friday Mom passed unexpectedly. I held her hand. I have never been so devastated in my life. I have to take care of dad now and yes I have all the same fears. It's not your fault, some things like this in life we may not ever understand. We as humans want to understand life to apoint so we feel security. Right now i am just numb and lost. If you feel like you're living in a daze and wondering why you're the one who is left out, i can understand. Eventually the two of you should work towards a better place, Ive read that it never goes away but it heals some and you learn to deal with it. I feel like on a conscious level I understand, mom is gone. But deep inside it makes no sense and I refuse to accept it. I think im doing ok and then something just makes me cry. 

 

What Kayc said, she makes alot of sense. 

There are no guarantees in life, none. Its not that youre being punished or life has it in for you. I know we all want to make sense of things and that gives us a little security. I've had steady tragedy after tragedy since last october and my life is spiraling down. I had thought that i was strong and independent. I had my last years all figured out. i was studying hard and didnt have time. We wrap ourselves in many layers so we feel secure. All my layers have been stripped away. It's like standing on the edge of the abyss. I honestly believe that God brought me home to my folks 3 years ago to give them joy. Mom told me several times she didnt know what shed have done without me. And I took care of them when Dad had his stroke oct. i quit my job dec31 and that gave me more time with Mom and that is now precious. I seriously understand nothing and i am nothing and i have nothing. I exist to take care of my dad and then i'm done. So i guess i kinda understand. 

There are no guarantees my friend, and yes life will drive you to your knees and make you want to quit. There was a preacher who once said the warfare is in the mind, its how you think its how you feel. Dont ever give up. Say no to the darkness. Call on God for strength. Even if you just make it thru one night, you made it. There is a parable in zen that tells of a moan who is chased by a tiger. he falls off a cliff and is hanging by a branch. Tiger above and tiger below, a mouse runs halfway out on the branch and starts gnawing on it. he notices on the branch a beautifull flower. Lesson is that no matter how bad things become, there is still beauty and good in the world if we but see. Start with a flower, look closely and notice the texture, arrangement of the leaves, let your mind brush over it feeling the flower. There is so much inside that needs to be released. That will hurt. But after the pain comes some healing. 

There may be counselling available in your area. If there is a university that has a grief counselling program you may be able to find help there. there are online counsellors, If you attend church then your minister or some of the Church ladies may be able to work with you. I'm sorry I cant really provide concrete answers and that i'm not eloquent. I will be looking for my own answers for a long time. Other people either havent gone thru this or they dont wish to acknowledge it. I knew this was coming for my folks but was not prepared in any way for what its done to me. If you and your husband wish to have kids and please excuse me if this is out of line there's always adoption. There are many deserving children and babies who need wonderfull loving parents. please please please do not give up, do not blame yourself. Just one day and step at a time. Will be praying for you. 

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