Dusky

To WaltC's Son, Your precious father is in everyones thougths and prayers. He is so loved on this site - be sure to let him know how much he means to each and every one of us. My best to this wonderful man. Love and preayers to you and your Family, John - Dusky is my handle on here

Walt, Your Jeannie is beautiful - and so is the man that greives for her - you are such a kind and warm human being. I may use the web site you did and create a similar tribute to Jack. Once again thank you for being the wonderful person you are - Although I have never meet you I can see why your love for jeannie is so deep and lasting. Try to remember all those wonderful years you had with her. Your a special person. God love you! John - Dusky is my handle on here. love you Jack

KayC and Pattiz54 and Ustwo and Charlie, I just wanted to write to you all and let you know that I have experienced this same double loss – the loss of not only our dear partners but also one of these small four legged creatures full of unconditional love. Jack was ill for 10 months – and had lost his sight 3 weeks into his illness in October 2004. Then on December 6th 2004 I had to make the heart wrenching decision – on my own – to put our dear companion – Dusky – to sleep. We had him for over 15 years. After being with Dusky as he died – I then had to go to the Hospital where Jack was in the ICU unit and tell him that Dusky had died. As I walked into the room I grabbed Jacks hand and said to him – “How are you today Jack?” He immediately said to me – “What’s wrong – your hands are so cold?”I began to cry as I told him that Dusky had died and then – we cried together. I still remember feeling and expressing to others - at the time - that I was losing everything in life that I loved – and just 8 months later Jack was gone. I feel each of your pain – I understand how crushing these double deaths have affected our lives. I cry each day for my two dear friends. I know they are together – with George and George, Charlie and Kelty, Gene and Bart, Charlie and Max. I still have Dusky’s feeding mat in the Kitchen – just where it always was. Let me share with you a passage from the book "The Grieving Heart “ by Thomas Attig. Although the words were written to guide us through the loss of out partners – I feel they are just as applicable to the loss of our “little friends and companions” who’s loss we feel as deeply. These words provide guidance to our overall struggle of loss. Here are the passages: “We feel as if our everyday lives have been undone, shattered. We are at a loss as to how to reconnect with the things and places and the fellow survivors our loved ones left behind. And how to reweave familiar threads of caring about these remnants of our lives with the deceased into the patterns of life and daily routines we must now reshape. We fear that we cannot be ourselves in a world transformed by our loss, that immersing ourselves in life and caring again in familiar ways will no longer bring peace and contentment. How are we to feel that we belong again in our life’s surroundings? What is the point of caring about others if it only brings pain? Can we return to everyday life in ways that reflect how deeply those who have died have touched us and shaped our soul?” “This anguish is soul pain. It is unlike physical pain that comes with injury or illness. It resonates deeply within us and reflects some of our profoundest fears. It strikes and lingers in that part of our hearts in which we seek the grounding, connection, and love that make everyday life worthwhile. Where we establish and maintain our integrity. And where we know the heartbreak of deprivation that loss brings. Soul pain is some of the worst pain of missing those we love.” “Soul work is the part of grieving we do as we learn to carry this soul pain. We struggle to find our way back home in a world pervaded by the absence of those we love, and we often draw on their deepest influences as we struggle. But we can mitigate this pain when we find enduring connections with them in our roots, within familiar surroundings, and in the soulful aspects of our own character.” “Ironically, the things, places, people, experiences and activities that arouse our deepest soul pain may be precisely the ones that hold memories. Legacies and connections that can still nourish and sustain us. We may be tempted to flee from what we need the most, those things that, if we can find our ways back to feeling at home with them, have the most to offer us. Tolerating the soul pain may be the price of replenishing our starving soul.” “We may sometimes conclude, sadly and after considerable effort, that leaving our home, avoiding a particular place, giving away or discarding a cherished possession, limiting contact with someone who survives with us, abstaining from an experience, or refraining from an activity is best. It may become clear that our pain will foreseeably overwhelm the memories in those parts of our world. They seem spoiled by our loss. Letting go in these ways concedes that we have lost more than the one who has died. But it can also be part of an honest and appropriate response for us to a world transformed by our loss and the soul pain it arouses. When we choose to do such things, we do not ultimately avoid soul pain. In effect, we choose which soul pain we are best able to carry and how.” “ We deal with soul pain on our own terms and in our own ways. We cannot make it go away. But through and in spite of it, we can begin to see what remains in our daily lives and life circumstances that can nourish our souls. And we can begin to sense the soulful presence of those who have died.” I hope in some way these passages help us all - and remember - I am with each of you – each day – as we travel this path. And so is - George and George, Charlie and Kelty, Gene and Bart, Charlie and Max, Jack and Dusky. Love to you all. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack – and Dusky

Derek - Yes I'm feeling better this week - thanks for the message - there sure are some wonderful folks on here. KayC - As usual your thougtts are beautifully stated - Hope all is as good as can be expected with you. Love to all, John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Derek, I’m so glad that the marker you had made has been put in place. These tributes we do to memorialize our loved ones are so very important – even though they bring a reality to the whole process. Patti, I did in fact read about your journey to that special place in California and spreading Charlie’s ashes – a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. What you did and how you did it says volumes about the kind of person you are – and that is a very special person. KayC, I felt the same why when I brought Jacks ashes home. I knew that he was now home safe with me. His ashes were also mixed with our cat that died in 1991 and our dog (Dusky) that died in December 2004 during Jack's illness. Now they all wait for me to eventually join them – and then we will al be scatted over the 4 Peaks – a beautiful mountain range just East of Phoenix and visible form it’s Eastern skyline. In the meantime – they all remain safe with me. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, What a beautiful tribute to KayC – and so richly deserved. KayC, You have been a wonderful inspiration to so many – and as always my thoughts and prayers are with you – now and always. Love and Hugs to each and every person who has so sadly joined our circle. John – Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

LarrysGirl, He knows - without a doubt - that you would have tried to help him and comfort him. Your love shines through in every thing you say. Here - for you - alwasy - Take care, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

LarrysGirl, My heart aches for you. These anniversary’s and thoughts about what our loved ones were thinking and feeling do have a tendency to eat at you – I know they eat at me as well having to watch my Jack suffer – and he had also lost his sight so early in the illness – its still haunts me – having to not only endure the cancer and a terminal illness – but to also having to do it without sight. I too cannot get these images out of my mind – try as I do. I think out loved ones who are dying somehow came to a certain level of peace with what they are facing. Larry was probably trying to spare you the pain of knowing he was dying – perhaps his not telling you was his final loving gift to you. I’m sure he had only the best of intensions in mind. Jack’s face also haunts me – with his eyes looking back at me. He thought he could see (Cortical Blindness) when in reality he saw nothing. It is still hard for me to get past the days of illness – the slow progressive deterioration - and remember the good and healthy times. I feel what you are writing in your message. I know it is so very painful. I am so determined now to carry on Jacks legacy – and live my life with him integrated fully into my own. The book “The Heart of Grief” by Thomas Attig has really helped me get a new perspective on this whole process. I highly recommend it. Please know I am thinking of you and the pain you are feeling. You have always written me such kind and warm messages. Please take care of yourself - and always know that we all did the best we could given the circumstances that each of us faced – and our loved ones certainly knew how much we loved them – and still do. Lets take them with us into tomorrow – and live our lives in memory of the kind and loving people they were. Lets remember Larry and Jack - and each of our loved ones – by living the best life possible – and carry the best of who they were forward. I know it’s easier said than done – but it’s really the only positive choice we have. I am always here for you – Please take care. John – Dusky is my handle on here

Hello to you all, I have been reading a wonderful book called “The Heart of Grief” - by Thomas Attig. I was a book suggested to me by Walt C. Thanks Walt – this was a great lead in the effort to understand this Journey of grief we are all on. Today is Jack’s Birthday – and so the following is my gift to each of you – in his memory – excerpts from the book “The heart of Grief”. Basically the book tells us “Love that was real does not die when those we love die.” The book offers “encouragement and guidance in seeking and finding lasting love.” It also tells you “there is nothing in all of this hat implies that we must let go completely.” It goes on to say “grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us”. ‘We retain a unique acquaintance with those we love.” The author’s intent is to show us “how holding someone in our hearts after death is good for us, our fellow survivors, and those who have died. Our lasting love affirms the enduring meanings of their lives, meanings no canceled by death. Lasting love consoles us and moderates our suffering as their legacies enrich our lives. “ The author also goes on to quote C.L Lewis who wrote in one of his books “We will always ache for those who have died. But when the ache no longer dominates our experience, they come into view again. We can embrace them still even while we are apart.” I have found the book so interesting that I wanted to share a few extended passages with you – Here they are: ________________________________________________________________ “Death does not erase or cancel the meanings we shared with those who have died. In the time we have known them, they have touched our heart, souls, and spirits. They have influenced the way we live, shaped our character, and inspired us. They retain the power to do these things after they die. It remains only for us to acknowledge, accept gratefully, and cultivate what their lives still have to offer.” “Often, then stories are intimately interwoven with our own life stories. As we cherish the life stories of those who have died, we continue the interweaving process. Our love for them deepens as we allow the values and meanings in the stories to permeate our lives as survivors. When we share the stories with others, we enrich our family and community lives.” “As we remember and cherish the stories of those who have died, we sustain our connection with them. We hold them dear as we welcome differences they still make in our lives. We retain and appreciate the gifts that were their lives. We give their legacies places in our hearts – and, in this way, we become their living legacies.” “As strange as it may sound, our lasting love benefits those who have died. They do not want to slip into oblivion at the moment of death. They do not want the world, especially those they loved, to go on as if they had never lived. It is only human for those who have died to want to make lasting impressions on the world and those they leave behind. They want to be remembered. They want to retain places in the lives of those they have known and loved. In and through our memories we give our deceased family members and friends a symbolic immortality, a continuity that transcends death.” “They do not want us to be overwhelmed by their death or to dwell in the pain of missing them. They want us to hold dear the good in their lives, to use and cherish what they have given. We fulfill these desires lovingly as we treasure their legacies and grant them places in our hearts.” “Lasting love makes us whole again as individuals, families and communities. We reweave the threads of our lives, creating newly integrated patterns. We reintegrate the values and meanings of the stories of those who have died into our own life stories. We reinterpret our past lives with the deceased, alter how we live in the present, and project new hopes and purpose into the future. We change, as do our enduring connections with those who have died, with our families, with our friends, with the larger community, with God, and even with our life’s work.” “Our lasting love also mitigates, or balances, the pain of missing those who have died. This love helps us to carry our pain. It reassures us that h=they did not live in vain and it brings comfort and solace as it gives them a new, enriching, dynamic, and enduring presence in our lives. It makes missing them more like loving them while we are separated in life. The motivation to lasting love and enduring connection draws on the best that is in us. It sets us on hopeful paths into the future where we feel powerful and intimately connected tho those who have died. When we cherish their legacies in this way, we connect with the best life has to offer us.” “We can further the interests of those who have died. Grace them a symbolic immortality, and fulfill their desire that we live well in their absence.” “Memory returns them to us in our separation. We can once again see their faces, hear their voices, and love them still. When we actively bring them to mind or reminisce, we can redeem the best of them and our lives together. Only through memory can we consciously acknowledge, explore, appreciate, and cultivate their legacies.” “Conscious remembering and shared reminiscing enrich our present living. And they enable us to carry much of lasting value into the future. Memory allows us to reclaim and revive our appreciation of those we still love and the gifts they continue to give us. We can cherish their legacies here and now. We take delight in having known and loved them. As we cherish them, we experience again the praise, gratitude, and joy they bring to our hearts.” ________________________________________________________________ I hope these passages help you as much as they helped me. It’s a wonderful book that I would recommend to everyone. Thanks again WaltC – for telling me about this powerful reading material. Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack – and Happy Birthday

Today is Jacks Birthday – he would have been 57. The man always looked like he was 15 years younger than his real age. To give you a point of reference he was always told he looked like the owner of Virgin Airlines – who is a very good looking Blonde man. He was also told he looked like the man on the Brawny paper towel wrappers – the one before they recently updated their advertisements. I sure do miss him today. In honor of his birthday a neighbor and I are going to go to a nice restaurant in Phoenix and celebrate Jacks life. I also bought Jack a Birthday card – actually one that contained a message about missing him – and in it I wrote my own following personal message to him. Here is what I wrote: My Dear Jack I spent a good portion of my life – 28 years looking for you. And when I found you I could never have imagined that it would last only as long as the search. Now I try to remember each of those years with you and what you meant to me. You will be in my heart and live with me forever. I will carry you with me. It will never be the same – but I will never forget you and what you meant to me – and what you gave to my life. I will be a better person for having had you in my life. I will leave this earth a legacy in your name. You may have died – but my love for you never ends. ******************************************** Happy Birthday With all my Love John Boy Thanks for letting me share this all with each of you. You have made this difficult journey easier to endure. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack – Lots Lots

KayC, Thank you so much for your reply. I am sure these are difficult days for you with the Georges Birthday and One Year anniversary so close together – Plus Fathers Day. I have been reading a book called The Heart Of Grief by Thomas Attig. It was a book suggested by WaltC – and is really very good. If I get a chance I may post some information form the book that was particularly helpful. I ask the same type of questions that you list in your message. I think the biggest unanswered question for me remains - Why our society does not understand the enormity of the grieving process and all that it entails. I still struggle with people – and some of them “family” – that just don’t get it. The death of our Spouse or Partner is a life-altering event that has changed me forever – I will never be the same person again – those looking for the return of “the old John” will never find me – he died when Jack died. What will eventually emerge will be the “new version of John” - which will hopefully incorporated the best of what Jack and John used to be. Thanks again for your kind message – I will be thinking of you as the next few days unfold. I am so grateful to you and all my friends on this site – people who truly “get it”. John – Dusky is my handle on here

Walt C, Charlie, Debr88, LarrysGirl, Ustwo, MartyT, Spela, and PattiZ54, Thanks to each of you for your thoughtful reply to my message. Each of you and everyone on this site – remains a place where I can always come and share my most painful moments. Your understanding and concern remains one of my best sources of healing. BTW - WaltC – I did purchase the book The Heart of Grief – by Thomas Attig – and I have started to read it. It is providing me a new perspective on the grief process. Thank you so much for this information. Since Jacks Birthday is Thursday – I have decided to have two clocks repaired that for some reason stopped during the course of his illness. These were two presents I gave to Jack nearly 25 years ago and have some very special meaning to our relationship. I figured that in his memory I would have them repaired so that they will once again ring and chime – a symbol – perhaps – that Jack would want time to move forward. It seemed appropriate to fix these symbols of love – in his memory. Love to you all – with deep appreciation for always being there. John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Walt C, I too have these same type of calls and correspondence. It is a constant rememder of the pain we expereince when we are greiving our lost love. I have had to get rude with people - especially when they ignore my telling them that Jack is deceased and - they just go on as if they don't know or care that I just said he was dead. I do have an idea for the folks at Readers Digest. I would suggest finding an address on the web to the President of the company. I would then compose a letter to him or her telling them how displeased I am with them - AND attaching a copy of the death certificate. I would also request a direct written response from them to acknowledge the correspondance and specifically what they are going to do to rectify the situation. I would let them know that unless they respond - personally - I would notify the Better Business Bureau - or local TV stations that handle problems with companies that appear not to listen to a customer complaint. I would send my correspondance certified - and follow up in one month if I did not hear from them. Just an idea - It may at least make you feel better that you are taking some type of written response to their ignorance. John - Duskyy is my handle on here.

I am so sad today – the pain is so intense. You would think that after more than 10 months that these crushing downs would not be with me – but today I feel so very alone – and so I have come to visit you all. It’s nearly the middle of June. June 15th was Jacks birthday – perhaps this upcoming day is dragging me backwards. And then I realize that July is right around the corner – the month in which he died – July 31st. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long with out his presence in my life. I know he is with me in my heart – but the sadness is so overwhelming for me today. I recently returned from Michigan where I gave a way a scholarship in his name to a lovely young girl who will be pursuing the same career (Beautician) that he loved so much. Although I have done so much to try to help memorialize Jack I just can’t stop crying today. I miss him so much today. I am in one of those valleys and it feels like I am being sucked into a back hole. For those of you who have passed the one-year anniversary date of your loved ones death – can you tell me if you began to have deeper sorrow as the date slowly approached? I just miss Jack so much today. Any words of advise? What did you do? How did you get through this feeling of helplessness and despair? I’m really sad right now – I can’t stop crying. John – Dusky is my handle on here

Derek, I really beleive that the support group you are about to join will be of tremendous help for both you and Carson. Support groups are wonderful - they allow you such a direct place for you to be able to share your feeling - in person. This is going to be a wonderful place - a sharing place - a place where you will see the faces of others in your same kind of pain. Hang in there my freind - its only a week away now - and in the mean time let all of us on here do what we can to help you. Keep writing - we're here for you. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Derek, You may not believe it – but you are really doing very well. And the reason I can say that is because you are here writing your feelings down and sharing them with all of us on this site. You have in fact found one outlet – at least – and that is all of us who truly do understand each of the emotions you express. Some people have nothing – and no one – and are incapable of expressing the type of feelings that you are putting in written form. So first of all congratulations – you are in fact progressing. I experienced the “buffer” thing that you made reference to as well. My Jack was always so good as being the ‘buffer” with his sons wife – who has a tendency to alienate people with unkind and inconsiderate remarks – Jack knew just how to handle her – and know with Jack gone these insensitive comments come my way directly. There is no Jack to buffer them anymore – and so I must deal with them directly – and I don’t react the same way to her. So the buffer thing you speak of I can relate to very well. I still think of Jack – even after 10 months – just the way you think of Karen – how much you miss her – the things you did together – and will no longer be able to do. The ache inside is still with me – and missing your loved ones voice I doubt will ever stop. I still get jealous when I see other happy couples – holding hands – where is the person I used to talk to and who knew me inside out? All those little things that made our lives full – are suddenly empty. There are few people who will understand – but if you could find just one person who would let you talk – let you cry – and let you share over and over again anything you have to say this would help tremendously. I have been lucky – I have a few such friends and some wonderful family support. Establishing a relationship with a good counselor may be very beneficial. Progress – or things getting better - seems to be measured in micro moments. They come and go. When I look back I would have to say I have made progress – but there are still times that I feel like I am back to square one. Grief is like a shifting spiral – always moving – never standing still – with forward and backward motion inside the spiral. It is not clean or neat – it’s ragged and painful. But always remember that because you feel such deep pain and loss – is the greatest acknowledgement that your love for Karen was overwhelmingly strong. If you felt nothing – and this was easy – then it would mean that there was nothing you had lost. Your deep pain is your best indication of how much Karen meant to you. So - you go on because your love was so great – and you will survive for the same reason. Karen is with you – in your heart – every step of the way. All of our loved ones are with us. In some ways I am grateful for this level of pain – as it stands as a testament of how strongly I love. Your Karen was very lucky to have had someone like you that loved her so very much – your pain and what you describe tells me so. Some day you will want to find this same type of love – this same type of sharing – and you will carry Karen and all she meant to you forward with you into a new and special life. Karen would want nothing less than your eventual happiness – and I know in my heart that Jack wishes the same for me as well. Keep writing – keep sharing – keep putting your feelings on paper. We are all here to help you. Believe it or not – helping you – and anyone else I can help on here – also helps me heal. My best to you always – Will be talking with you soon. John – Dusky is my handle on here

Walt, Your not losing your mind - Your just have a warm and caring heart. What a beautiful thing to have happen to you - this song playing as you woke and the rain falling outside your window. I am certain that our loved ones watch over us in very special ways - until we can again be with them - walking in the rain. Take care my freind, John - Dusky is my handle on here

Derek, I am always touched by the messages you write. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better – to make this all go away. Men in general have a more difficult time with grief because they have been taught not to show their emotions. I, myself, have been fortunate – because although I am a man – I have always been able to show my emotions. I cry – and I have probably grieve the way a woman grieves. I am not afraid to either show tears or share my emotions with others. Being able to do so has made this unbearable grief doable. I noticed your one comments in particular that read “but I don’t want to feel the feeling – I am so used to pushing things in and not showing it.” This is the very crux of the issue at hand. You need to find a way to let your emotions out. Allow yourself to cry - whenever and whenever you wish to do so. The fact of the matter is the “real men do cry”. Our society has not been good to its male population – as basically we have been taught as a gender to hide emotions – to be strong – to rise above it all. But the reality of the situation is that your tears will heal you. In 10 months since Jack died – I have cried every day. Sometimes privately – and sometimes in public. Gender has nothing to do with what you feel – and neither should crying. Let me give you an example – and I am not the least bit ashamed of it. When Jack died I was unable to tell his Mother – because she has Alzheimer’s - and the news of his death would certainly have hastened her own. She still does not know he died. So as a result when Christmas or Mothers day or any other holiday arrives where a card and present are in order for Jacks Mother - I have to go and buy a gift – pick out a card – sign both our names – write a loving message inside the card - and then send it off to her as if her Jack – her son – was still alive. It rips my heart apart every time this happens. I have stood in front of the Hallmark greeting cards – a grown masculine man – reading the verses of these cards and weeping – weeping for what I lost – for what I had – and for what I have to do. I cry in public and I cry in private. If the emotion is there – it is expressed. It does make you feel better. Allow your self to “go home” – “go home” to what’s in your heart. Believe me you mind will follow – and anyone – anyone with any sense of compassion will see your tears as a beautiful statement of who Karen was and what she meant to you. Your tears are an expression of your deep pain – but also - of your deep love. Carson will cry with you – you need to do this together – and you need to teach him that it is ok for a man to cry. And years from now - he will be a better man for what you have taught him – so show him the way. Take care my friend, John - Dusky is my handle on here

Grief Bibliography Derek, Here is the list of books I promised you. I put an asterix (*) near the ones I found the best. I have mentioned one book on this site before that is outstanding - and it is listed below. it is called Grieving Mindfully. It is really a very powerful book - and I would highly recommend it. Hang in there my freind - there are people on here who really do care and understand. The list follows. 1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson 2. *Care giving , by Beth Witrogen McLeod 3. Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang 4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits 5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson 6. * Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn 7. * Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine 8. * Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders 9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald 10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt 11. * Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler 12. * How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A. Rando 13. * A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine 14. * Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O’Connor 15.* The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb 16. * Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief, by Stephanie Ericsson 17. * Don’t Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke 18. * A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher 19. * Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston 20. * The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield 21. * Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar 22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry 23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine 24. * Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman 25. * The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle 26. * Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor) 27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth 28. * When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner 29. * The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman 30. * Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss 31. * The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson 32. * Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. & Dianne Arcangel 33. * Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing , by Susan Zimmerman 34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle 35. * In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb 36. * The Other Side and Back: A Psychic’s Guide to the Ouer World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne 37. * Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne 38. * Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey 39. * The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche 40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S) 41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S) 42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta) 43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry) 44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly) 45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai) 46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath) 47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub (recommended by Carole) 48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion (recommended by NotCoping) 49. When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael) 50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by Marty Tousley) 51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by Marty Tousley) John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack [Note to John, Derek and others: For your convenience, I've taken the liberty of editing John's post, so that by clicking on any of the book titles, you'll be taken directly to Amazon's description and reviews of each book listed. You are under no obligation to purchase any of these books; this simply gives you a way to read a little more about each one. To see my own list of books I've read and personally recommend (some of which are the same as John's ), go to the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, then scroll down until you come to the section entitled Suggestions for Further Reading.]

Derek, I do not quite fit the loss scenario that you describe – because I am not your age. However I still felt it might be useful for me to write to you. I am older 55 and I lost my partner (Jack) 10 months ago when he was 56. We had been together 27 years. We always looked and acted much younger than our 55 years – so when I subtract the 15 years from my age – which so many say I look like - and what I personally feel I feel like – I may be closer to your age – mentally that you may think. And so I wanted to share with you some of my insights about grieving. First of all take all the advantage you can from the fact that you have a son – I am sure in many ways he either is – or will become the mirror image of your dear wife. It is now your job to help foster the memory of his mother – he will in fact learn about her and who she was from you - what a wonderful mission that can eventually be for you to undertake – and for him to be the beneficiary of. When Jack first died I felt as if my world had ended. I set out on a mission to make sure he will never be forgotten by his granddaughters – one who knew him when he died (age 5) and the other who was born after he died. I too have a mission to undertake with these young minds – somewhat similar to the one you have before you. You have the advantage of having this young mind in your very present – mine is complicated by distance recently created by my partner’s son moving his family away from me. I am still however determined to keep Jacks memory alive. Let me describe to you some of the things I did and am still doing to help me heal and at the same time memorialize my lost love: 1. I have read over 40 books on grief – there is a wealth of information at your bookstore – use it is you like to read. And if you like I would be glad to send you a listing of the books I read. Reading has been a wonderful way to help deal with grief. 2. I write a lot – so if you like to write – and even if you don’t it may be useful to put your emotions and feelings on paper. I have written over 14 letters to Jack since he died. There always seems to be unfinished business when someone you loved dies. Little things you just want to or need to communicate. I found this to be very helpful. I also write pomes and songs – this has been a very healing exercise for me. Some day I hope to write a book about not only the ordeal surrounding Jacks death - but also the grieving process that has followed. Perhaps I may write a book of pomes. But whether I write any of this or not – writing now – to heal – has been very beneficial during this grieving process. 3. I had bookmarks made in Jacks memory and included them in my Christmas newsletter last Christmas. So many people now use these bookmarks and every time they read they have a memory of him. 4. I am having two trees planed in a park in Fountain Hills Arizona in memory of our lives together. 5. I have created a scholarship in Jacks memory – which will be given away each year to some senior at his High School who wants to enter the same profession that was Jacks Passion – He was a Beautician. His memory will last forever, as I will fund this even after I am dead. 6. I am having a quilt made from some of Jacks Cloths – Pictures and some of my writing (poetry) will be incorporated into the quilt. Some day one of his granddaughters will receive this quilt after I am dead – and some of these same clothes that will make up this quilt will be the same cloths that Jack held her in when he was alive. I am slowly finding ways to bring his sprit to life in the minds of his granddaughters. 7. When I die I will fund a number of good causes in Jacks name – some feeding programs – and money to the dachshund rescue society – Jack just loved our Dachshund – Dusky – who died during the course of Jacks illness. Hospice may also be funded in some way after I am gone – all in the memory of my lost Love – Jack. I am determined to have his memory live on in “Tiny Deeds of Good Actions”. Somehow what we can do – how we act – what we pass on to others – the gift of time – the memorials we establish – be they small of large – all have the benefit of helping us heal. It is all a very painful and painfully slow process. Use your son as your springboard to heal your self. I hope some of these words help. I may not be your age – but some of what we are experiencing and are having to face - are indeed similar. I wish you well – and if you would like to obtain the listing of books I have read I would be happy to send it to you. Please take care and know there are so many people on this site who truly care and understand your pain. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Dear Larrysgirl, Oh god – I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you that would make this journey you are on – we are on – any easier. But unfortunately it is just hard. I am at nearly 10 months without Jack – and the tears are still a daily companion. It is unfortunately a lonely road - this grieving process – and the feeling of abandonment is present in every single fellow griever who I have talked with. It is a terrible fact of life that those who should be closest to us - during our most urgent time of need – just do not “get it” and want us to be “over it” and on with our lives. But – the fact that this pain is deep and that you – and I - and all the others on this grief site are in such pain - is because we are in fact facing our grief. Those who burry their grief - will end up dealing with it at another point and time – and in a deeper fashion. Those who continue to make excuses for not being there in a time of need – will never understand the depths of this pain until it is personally faced – until they lose a mate – the one they have spent every moment of life with. Grief unfortunately re-writes your address book for you. I do not profess to be “grand” religious person – but I have gained a great sense and feeling of spirituality – I truly believe that I carry Jack with me in my heart – and I know your Larry is with you in your heart. It’s what is inside our hearts that will eventually allow us to keep our lost loves safely tucked inside each of us – and also allow us to move forward with our lives. I truly believe that “The God” in all of us exists inside our heart - each and every one of our hearts. And I also believe that this is where we find our lost loved ones – in our hearts. What we do with our lives – how we incorporate the best of who they were into our own existence - from this point forward - is the challenge before those of us left to grieve. I ran across the following quotations recently from a book I have been reading called “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. For me they provide some comfort – something to hang on to through these deep dark days of grief. Perhaps they will help you as well. Here they are each one listed separately: “What you are is what you have been. What you will be is what you do now.” “If you want to know your past life. Look into your present condition; if you want to know your future, look at your present actions.” “There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; my philosophy is kindness”. ‘His noble face is more alive to me now than any of the faces of the living, and in his eyes I always see that light of transcendent wisdom and transcendent compassion that no power in heaven or earth can put out”. ‘Whatever you do with your life will make you what you are when you die. And everything – absolutely everything counts”. Your Larry lives on in you – My Jack lives on in me – and both of them and all the mates of those who grieve on this site - want their spirits to continue on in the ones they loved so much. That is now the task before us. Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends. My best to you - and all those who are suffering the pain from the loss of your partner. John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Chrissy, I am so sorry for your loss. He was so young – my heart aches for you. Right now I know that you count each week – I can remember doing the same thing. Then eventually - I lost count of the week “count” and it was replaced by months. Each month that goes by I remember it - and the exact time my Jack died. The 6-month passage was brutal - and the 9-month passages just occurred for me – difficult – but not quite as hard. I count every thing by months and half years and quarter of year. Soon I am sure I will start to add the years and months together. I am wondering when that will all stop – and I am not so sure it will. Thought of all the years that will be missed is also – so very normal and all you can really do is hold on to the memories of the times you did have together – but I know that this is sometimes easier said than done. . Others have told me that eventually the memories will bring joy rather than the pain that they now seem to inflect. And I must say that as the months have passed I do think that the memories are mellowing the memories of Jacks long illness – but sometimes the memories of his 10-month illness still tear me apart. I can only hope that time will somehow lessen this pain. I still hope for the memories of the illness to fade and have them replaced by more of the good times we shared for 27 years. I to sometimes wish I had conveyed thoughts of love more often and what he meant to me. I think these feeling are normal – no matter how much we all told our loved ones how much we loved them and how much they meant to us – we all still long for just one more chance – to say it just one more time. My Jack seemed to have a great knack for always telling me he loved me – I don’t feel I did as good a job in that respect – but I do believe he knew I did – and knows it now as well. Regrets are a normal part of this long grieving process – but always remember you did the best you could – we all did given the individual circumstances surrounding the loss of our mates and partners. I found that reading books on grieving really helped me – and I have read nearly 50 since Jack died. I would be glad to share this list with you if you believe that reading would help you. There are some great books to help us through this long process. I also found that getting involved in different things to help memorialize your lost love also helps you heal. Just one example is that I am going to have a large quilt made out of his shirts – tee shirts and pants – as a keepsake that someday will be given to one of his granddaughters. I also do a lot of writing and journaling – pomes and songs – it all seems to help me heal – perhaps some of these ideas will help you through these early stages of your loss. I know you are in the very early weeks of this whole process – but please know that there are many kind and caring people who do understand this terrible pain. My best to you always, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Bebekat, It was nice to see you write again – But can certainly relate to where you seem to be at in this long grief process. I have not been as visible my self on the site for the last 6 weeks – just here and there – but have not gotten into responding to any degree. It seems I have entered some type of phase – but I’m not sure what the phase is – I just know it feels different. I feel less like writing in general – and more like trying to re-connect with different aspects of what would be seen as “normal life” I keep trying to engage my self with the rest of the world. Sometimes it is so painful. I still feel empty and miss Jack as much now as the day he vanished from my sight. What you describe, as the remembrance to Tom at your Son’s wedding was indeed a beautiful tribute to him and must be consoling in some deep way to you. The fact that they remembered his Father – your Husband is a wonderful message – cherish that – not every family would do that – not every family would acknowledge the fact that he lived. Some would try to bury the memory and hope that it would pass unnoticed. You are lucky to have experienced this beautiful tribute. I am so happy for you. Tom would have been pleased – and I know you were moved by the tribute. I hope you get through tomorrow – a day to remember what a wonderful man Tom was to you. Jacks anniversary date is still 3 month away – I still can’t believe he is gone. I am so determined to move on – to try to re-connect with life. I am afraid my assistance to others has suffered as a result – its as if I suddenly don’t have the energy to go deep inside the pain of others when I am trying to find the right place to deal with my own pain and still find a way to find life again as well. Perhaps more healing is actually finding its way to my core – and hopefully some day soon I can deal with my pain and others as well. I know helping others with questions they have has helped me in the past. I have not forgotten any of you – and all the new faces to this site. I understand your pain – but for the moment I appear to be like Bebekat - and not able to help as much as I may have been able to in the past. My love and support to all on this site. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Kayc, Yes – I feel what you are describing. If there is any consolation in having “sad company” with you – I am there. After Jack died over 8 months ago people “hung around” and continued contact for about a month – and since then it has been a slow and steady vanishing act. I do feel fortunate to have a small circle of friends and family that I can count on and trust – but I have been amazed at the people (friends) who have vanished – and some family who has done the same. Jacks Son - Whom I helped raise – who I have been, as close to a Father to as any one could be – did not call on Easter – and he still lives in the same city I do. Next Month he and Jack’s Granddaughters are moving to Michigan – and I feel like I am losing another piece of Jack - again. Their lives are moving forward – and mine is still in the overwhelming process of incorporated the loss of Jack into my life. I have gone on a two-moth campaign to contact 3 or 4 friends that I do not wish to lose – but who are part of the “vanishing crowd”. I will continue to do this for a bit longer – but eventually – if I do not start receiving some “initial” phone calls in return rather than just “return phone calls” to the ones I have made – I will stop beating my head against the wall – and let them vanish. I will have done all I could at that point to maintain contact. At some point friendships have to be a two way street. Right now - with some of my friends - I the griever - am doing all the work to maintain friendships – but I will not do it forever. It will either - eventually become that two way street as it should be – or the road will end when I stop calling them. And I will have known I did everything I could to try to maintain those friendships. And so I continue this seemingly endless march of grief – but I am determined to show those who are vanishing from my life - that like a “phoenix” - I will rise from the ashes of this disaster – and carry Jacks beautiful spirit into my future. I am determined to form a new life – with the essential elements that created the grand life that Jack and I shared. Part of him will be with me forever. Others may have forgotten him – or moved on – but for me the process must continue due in large part to the strong love we shared. The pain is strong and deep because the love was just as strong and deep. In some ways there is a consolation in the fact that the pain is great – it makes me fully aware of how strong and deep that love was. You’re right – everyone else has moved on – and this is now ours to deal with as best we can. Thank God for sites like this one – at least we can vent the frustration. I do still feel Jack loves me – but my dreams of him are no nearly as often as I wish. I seem to be slowly – ever so slowly – coming to the realization that the pain will be here indefinitely and it will be my task to incorporate it into my life and somehow find a reason to live – a meaning to life – and a meaning in why it all happened. I still find myself talking to him and – saying things like “Why did this happen to you?” “I miss you so much.” “I hate living without you.” “How can I go on without you?” But when I’m honest with myself I still also hear that message described in my Popcorn Seed Poem that read: ”For me a message was received – an opening of a door. That little seed from who knows where is urging me – ‘go on’ Live your life – ‘remember me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn” And I still feel it in the Humming Bird Poem that read in part: “I took just one step closer – and you beckoned – ‘John Boy – See’ And then your little head would twist – and turn to say – ‘Its Me’ The show continued onward as you fluttered tiny wings The sun now glistened on you clearly – asking you to sing” “Just like the life we shared for years with color and with style Remembered in the visit from ‘The Humming Birds – Sweet Smile” There are many people who have disappointed me in their reaction to the grief process. Sometimes I have a tendency to take it personally – and sometimes I really feel like it is personal. It’s probably a mixed bag in that respect. Some of the people who I feel have hurt me with there absence probably do not even realize it – while others know they are absent and don’t appear to care. It’s the second group that is the most disturbing to me – and the hardest to get over – to reconcile and to forgive. So as hard as it is - I am going to try to concentrate on things like the “Popcorn Seed” and the “Humming Bird” – and pay less attention to people who simply do not understand this kind of pain - or don’t want to be bothered with the pain or me. God – give me strength! And so in answer to your question – “Does anyone else feel this way? – Yes – and that is how I am tying to deal with it. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, You are a very special man - and all that you have shared on this site is recognized by all your fellow greivers. You were lucky to have Jeannie for all the years you had her - but also realize that she was lucky to to have such a wonderful husband as you. Although a sad place to meet - I am still glad to have met you - and enjoy you're magnificant contributions made on this site. You are a wonderful example - of a wonderful human being. John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack