Dusky

Laurie, We all make mistakes - I made a ton of them when I was taking care of Jack - but I also did many many wonderful things during that same time period. I know Jack forgave me for my shortcomings and I am sure that Sean forgave you as well. Its this self forgivness that is so hard for us to extend to ourselves that seems to be the biggest problem. The book my Marth Hickman "Healing After Loss" is truely a remarkable daily form of inspiration - and there are a number of days when she speaks of forgivness. The bottom line is Sean loved you and you loved him - AND none of us are perfect - we're just working on that a little at a time. Be easy on yourself - your a good person. Keep sending in those posts - everyone is here for you. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Lori, When your Mother mouthed those last words to you “love you too,” she was telling you that she forgave you. Forgiveness does not always have to be spoken or even contain the word forgiveness to have the intent and message received. You did receive forgiveness from your Mother. The more difficult task is always forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings – and from this I can speak from a position of experience. I – like you – was less than kind on certain occasions. I raised my voice – I yelled – like you I was anger at everything that was happening around me and to Jack – and at times he was in the direct path of my anger at the illness that was slowly taking him from me – inch by inch. Human beings make mistakes. What is important is not the mistake – but that we recognize our error – ask forgiveness – and simply foster compassion from this moment forward. I have read a tremendous volume of books on grief since Jack died and when these books speak of forgiveness - all – without fail – mention that forgiving yourself is the most difficult of all these tasks. I have a few suggested readings that I really do feel will help you through some of these feels – I know they helped me. Here they are: 1. Healing After Loss – by Martha Hickman. Specifically read the pages dated 3/2, 4/2, 8/22,9/3 and 9/4. I actually copied these pages and kept them in various places in my home. Anytime I feel some guilt I re-read these particular days. 2. Forgiveness – A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart – by Robin Casarjian. The whole book is very good – but there are specific areas that deal with self-forgiveness – the most difficult task of all. Our loved ones forgave us a long time ago – and probably never saw our transgressions with the same magnifying glass that we are using to see them. Our loved ones were also not perfect human beings – and they too made mistakes in their lives. Just as our loved ones were not perfect – we also were not perfect. If they did something wrong – we would not have refused to forgive them – we would have forgaven them whatever the transgression happened to be. And therefore the opposite is true as well – they would certainly have been the first to forgive us for any of our transgressions. Our loved ones do not want us to suffer – they want us to be happy and they have - in fact - forgiven us. Again it’s the self-forgiveness that is the hardest to accomplish. I want to share one last thing – and that is one of the passages out of the Martha Hickman Book – Healing After Loss. The date March 2nd – reads as follows: “Sometimes it is the last stone to be lifted from the grieving heart – the inability to accept forgiveness. And we each have our own catalog of things for which we yearn for forgiveness. The harsh word quickly spoken, the service performed begrudgingly – or not at all. Who is holding out for reprisal? Is it the one who has died scowling and shaking an accusing finger in some nether-world? More than likely it’s we who continue to berate ourselves: How could you? ‘When you forgive yourself you are forgiven,’ says Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who for many years has written about and consoled others with the stages of grief. Imagine a conversation between you and the one for whom you grieve. Would you want that person to be without flaws? Such a person would bear little resemblance to the one you love. No more does that person want perfection of you. You wouldn’t be recognizable, either!” I hope some of what is contained in the information here is helpful to you. I have traveled this road – and although it is not easy – I also know that forgiveness does exist – and your Mother would want you to extend the same forgiveness that she offered you with the words “I love you too” – to yourself. Give your Mother - in death - the best gift she could ever have received - in life. Forgive yourself – she already has. She wants you to be happy. Love and peace to you, John - Dusky is my handle on here

KayC, What a beautiful message. It's so wonderful to remember all the good things - and you did such a marvelous job of detailing your love - it just spilled out all over the lines of your words. Greif is made a little easier when we can remeber all the good things - at least it is for me. I know when I look back at all the years I had with Jack - It just brings a smile to my face. Thank you for the reminder - to remember the good. It was all around us for so many years. Love to you. John Dusky is my handle on here.

In the corner of my bedroom there are two pillows – two quilts – a headrest and a pair of footies. Jack died on these items and they have remained in my bedroom since they came off the bed July 31st 2005. I took them off the bed and placed them in that corner the evening that Jack died. I dust the area – I keep it clean – but they remain part of the surroundings of this room. It is the last material to touch him when he was alive - and these are the items he rested on immediately after he died. For the time being I cannot bear to do anything else but keep these fragments that represent the moment of his death - just the way they were. They were the last pieces of this earth to touch his body and I plan on keeping these here until it feels right to move them. Eventually I will probably have them put in a plastic bag and have all the air sucked out so that they can be compressed – but I will never dispose of these items. Perhaps some day – if I have advanced notice of my own death – I will surround myself with the same pillows and blankets where Jack rested before he vanished from my sight. I could not think of a better way to leave this earth than resting my head on the same pillows that comforted Jack. But until that day comes - these items provide me with an emotional comfort – lying in the corner of my bedroom – that is just as warming as the blanket that covered Jack in July 2005. Set your own pace - do your own thing - and follow your own heart - and remember you can't "un-throw" something - once it’s gone - it’s gone. Keep whatever it is that’s dear to you until you really don't want it. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Laurie, Thank you for the beautiful poem. I made a copy and posted it by my computer - and I'll see it and read it often. It was wonderful - thank you for sharing. John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Laurie, My – how timely your posting is – and how very important it is to be able to capture our loved ones voice. If there is any way for you to save the small pieces of Sean’s voice – do it. With todays technology I would imagine that any thing is possible. Don’t lose these precious pieces of him – find a way to save his voice. My Jack has been dean now nearly 15 months – and I always thought that I might – just might - have his voice on some old tapes I had from our vacations in 1996 and 1997. The tapes could not be replayed with the equipment I currently possessed – so I took them to a place that converted them to a DVD – two hours worth. I watched it tonight – and there sprinkled throughout all the fun of our vacations was bits and pieces of “Jacks Voice” and even a few shot of him. I was ecstatic. So happy that I sat down and wrote Jack a letter to tell him the joy at hearing his voice again. Here is the letter I wrote to Jack tonight. ______________________________________________________________________________ Dear Jack, 10-25-06 It’s been a long time since I’ve written you a letter – but tonight I just had to share something with you that was so wonderful. The last time I heard your voice was on July 30th, 2005 – after you fell asleep that night – the next day you were in a coma and never regained consciousness – and you died at 6 p.m. on the 31st. I recently had some old tapes of our vacations to San Diego and Michigan in 1996 and 1997 converted to a DVD. I received them today and played the two-hour DVD tonight – and there it was – YOUR VOICE. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to hear you speak again. Finally after nearly 15 months – of silence - I hear the sweet sound of you – and the way you spoke. To have this recaptured for me - and for Tom and your granddaughters is a huge gift. You spoke as you always did – with little reflections of humor and kindness – just the way I remembered how you sounded. Now I will never be able to forget your sound – your voice. At one point on the DVD I walked in front of the camera – and you said, “There’s John Boy”. You came to life for me tonight. You made my day – just like you made my life. It was a sweet moment – and now I have it as a keepsake – and anytime I want to hear your voice I can. I had not forgotten – but sometimes those who grieve – say that they begin to forget what their loved one sounded like. I am so grateful to know that I will always have this wonderful reference to always reach for when I need to hear that sweet voice again – the one that graced my life for so many years. And Dusky was on the tape too – along with a few shots of you. Today I found you again – and heard your voice speak to me. I will give Tommy a copy for Christmas – so he will have you with him also. I love “lots lots” - and miss you “more than you will ever know”. Your John Boy ______________________________________________________________________________ If you have a way to save Sean’s voice – do it – it will be worth whatever you need to do to get it done. And there is nothing “weird” about having his voice on your answering machine – if it gives you comfort – keep it as long as you want. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s’ “Weird”. What’s weird is that anyone should question anything that would bring you comfort and help you heal. My e-mail address still is “DuskyJJ “ – which stands for Jack and John – and the message that is attached to the address still says “Jack and John”. I’ll change it - if and when I want to. It’s my way of keeping him with me. Don’t get rid of Sean’s voice because others are “Freaked out”. What freaks me out is how little people in general understand grief and how to deal with it. Speak out – let your voice be heard – in defense of his. My best to you always, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Missingcharlie - Patti, If am able to make it to the Satuday (10/21) luncheon - how whould I know just how to find you at Applebee's? I'm not certain I can make it but would love to meet you all. John - Dusky is my handle on here love you Jack

Hello to you all. I recently found the lyrics to a song called “Unbreakable Heart” by Amy Sky. I took the liberty of changing the lyrics to fit what a “Grieving Heart” feels. I wanted to share these “new” lyrics with you. Here they are: _____________________________________________________________________________ An empty room, a broken fairy tale A hollow man with empty arms From an angel’s tears God made the stars Why can’t he make an unbreakable heart? In my blue world, you shone like Heaven’s fire And left me cryin’ in the dark How could you be taken away? Did God think I had an unbreakable heart? I suppose - I should know Sometimes loved ones are stolen away But I believed, foolish me We’d go on and on One day, I will come to you And rock you tightly in my arms Please remember this – that day will come For this broken heart From an angel’s wings to a fallen star God made everything but an unbreakable heart _____________________________________________________________________________ “In spite of itself, a broken heart continues to beat” _____________________________________________________________________________ Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, You – my friend are a remarkable individual. I can remember your first post – and now I see this one – 6 months later. What a perfect example you have shown as to how to deal with grief – by passing through it – never avoiding it – and talking and writing about your feelings. As you may note – there are not very many men on this site who actively participate in the process. For everything you may have received in comfort and support form this site – you have returned 10 fold to all of us. You are a shinning example of how to work through grief. I am proud of you – and thank you for the many times you have helped me through this difficult passage. Your friend, John – Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Dear Dlongo, I read your post and can relate to these feelings of guilt – and I possibly have an idea for you that may help you work through some of these issues. First of all I think it is normal to find various issues that make us feel guilty or have regrets when we loses some one close to us – especially if they have suffered through a long illness and required care giving. My partner was ill for 10 months and lost his sight three months into the illness – I managed to keep him home the entire time however it did not come with out a cost and various times when I lost my temper and was less than kind to him. I was so anger at the situation and some moments saw me getting anger with the very person I loved so much. It has taken me a long time to put all that in perspective. Basically what it came down to for me - after some reflection - was that I did the best I could given the circumstances faced at the time. We are all human and our loved ones – if they were here – would be the first ones to forgive us for any shortcomings we may have had. The real trick is in extending that same forgiveness to ourselves. One thing that really has helped me deal with the grief process and those moments when I feel guilt has been to write letters to Jack. I have written 18 of them since he died 14 months ago. I am going to share one of those letters with you now – below. It was written just two months after Jack died and it was during a day when I was beating myself up for the times that I was less than kind to Jack. You may want to try something similar – it was very cathartic – and it has been part of the process that has helped me deal with this issue. I have shared this letter with this grief site before – so some of the readers have seen it before. Here it is – one of my letters to Jack – written on 10-14-05: My Dear Jack, 10-14-05 Sometimes I think that I spend a lot of time remembering more of the bad things that I may have done during the time that I took care of you. I’ve had one of those days when I’ve been betting myself up – so I have decided to make a list of the Good vs. the Bad and see what the list shows – hopefully this exercise and letter to you will help: GOOD VS. BAD Bad: 1. There were times when I would get very upset when I was cleaning you, or when you would not follow my instructions to stand. I know we seemed to start almost every day with a verbal struggle until you became bed ridden. I should have known better – but I did not – I feel bad about this. I know I apologized most every time I did this – Please know how very sorry I am for this shortcoming on my part. 2. One time when you would not swallow your pills – it felt like you were biting me and I tapped you on your check – scolding you not to bit me. I should have know better – although I did not recognize it – your illness was causing you to chew when you thought you were trying to swallow. I am so sorry. 3. I should have spent more time just sitting with you – when you were in the Living Room (and could walk) and then when you were bed ridden. Sometimes you just wanted to sit and talk – some times I did that and other times I did not. The only excuse I have is that I needed to try to keep busy doing other things – I was almost crazy with watching you slip away from me – now I wish I had just sat there and been with you all the time – but I also know that caregivers need to pull away also. Despite knowing that I still feel bad for not spending more time with you. 4. Some times you had so many request during a day that I would get short tempered when “another request” was made. I should have been more understanding – after all you could not see. But I did apologize many times – perhaps not as often as I should have. For those times I did not please know I am sorry. 5. I did tell you I was going to put you in a home when you bit me. I hope you know that was out of frustration – there was no way you were ever going to go to a home other than Our Home – and that is where I kept you until you died. Good: 1. I made all the meals – except those brought to us by friends. I think I became a half way decent cook – especially breakfast – you even said that my breakfasts were great. 2. I fed you when you were not able to do that any more – and I remember really enjoying being able to help you with this. I cooked the best I could and you seemed to enjoy eating even though you were so ill. 3. When you had to pea – I held the urinal for you – and you did have to go to the bathroom a lot – just the way your system worked – you had to pea a lot even when you were well – lol. 4. I gave you showers daily – when you were able to stand up – and then gave you sponge baths in bed when you were bed ridden. This included cleaning your bottom. 5. I took you to the bathroom every time you needed to have a bowl movement – this was pretty labor intensive when you could still stand – I may not have been as patient as I should have been but we got the job done. 6. I kept your briefs clean and pads clean when you were bed ridden – everyone from hospice told me I was doing a good job at this. I had no experience – but I sure tried hard. 7. You had many requests – such as “Winto greens – or drinks – or popcorn – or a comb – I tried to get you all the things you needed. I know sometimes it was overwhelming (the requests were many) but I really did try my best. 8. I shaved you nearly every day – some days I missed – but for the most part I got this done. 9. I scratched your back – as often as I could when you asked. 10. I massaged your legs – and kept them elevated when you had a swelling problem. 11. I kept the house clean – this kept me in busy work so I could escape mentally from what was happening. 12. I paid all our bills and kept all the financial items in order. 13. I filed for your Private Disability Policy and for Social Security Disability – got all that money coming in – what a load of paper work. 14. I kept all the Hospital paper work straight – and tried to share all that with you so you would feel on top of your medical treatment – this was difficult sometimes because the fact that you were blind and the nature of brain tumors cause you to have delusions and this complicated how we would sometimes be able to interact. 15. I sold my truck and then took out a HEL and bought your car – So much paper work when there were other greater concerns – but somehow I managed. 16. I wrote tons of e-mails trying to keep friends and family aware of what your latest condition/problems were. I made tons of phone calls – and you know how I hate the phone. 17. I was able to keep the yard work done and everything trimmed – Thank God we have mostly desert landscaping and all on a watering systems. 18. I extended the Pool Warranty – and dealt with some problems with the pool – God I hate that thing. 19. I took you on walks out side – and down the street – when we were able – and then in the wheel chair when you could not walk. It was not often that we could do it – but when possible – and I had some help we did it. 20. I kept you home for the entire time – and you died at home. I remember telling you a number of times – maybe more – that I was going to keep you home and I would always take care of you – not to worry. 21. When you could still walk – and especially on your time home in December and January – we would go in the car for appointments and to the Arizona Council for the Blind – even out to eat. This was a very labor-intensive task – walking you to the car – getting in and out – because you were blind – it was hard on both of us. It is really amazing what we were able to do. 22. When possible we went to some social outings also – to Toms house (Xmas and Thanks giving and Easter), to my parents, to restaurants – we tried to make this as normal as possible despite the nightmare we were both living. 23. I got you all your pills – and kept track of them all. The Hospice people seemed to be pretty impressed the way I was able to keep track of your medication. 24. I helped you through three seizures – the last one just before you died – where I had to give you a Valium enema to help stop it. 25. I called 911 two times – once in October – when you went blind – this one I am sure saved your life and again in January when you had one of your seizures. I know sometimes you may have thought it would have been better to die – but I am so glad that I had something to do with saving your live at those times – At least I was able to have you with me for a while longer. A hard as it was I treasure even the last 10 months I had with you. 26. I organize your 56th Birthday party – what a blast we had – you said it was the best BD you ever had. 27. I wrote your Eulogy and planed your “Celebration of Life”– even when you were still alive – I knew you were going to leave me and I had to be prepared – I wanted it to be the best Eulogy and “Celebration of Life” ever – It was so hard for me to do this when you were still alive and with me. I think what stopped me from involving you in some of these plans was because you seemed to forget that you were dying and I saw no point in keep reminding you about this – after all the nature of your illness and blindness seemed to make your circumstances different than the norm. Yes you should have been involved in some of these processes – but with what was happening to you – I think it was the best thing for you - that I did that for you. 28. I made the decision to stop having you take your Chemo drugs. As hard as this was for me I think it was the right decision – and I’m putting this in the “good” column. Giving you more Chemo was just potentially causing your immune system to create even more problems like the warts. I knew you would not want to live longer if the quality of live was not there. So rather than keep you alive – for me – I may have let you go a short time earlier – but I did that for you. Jack this really was an act of love. I hope some day someone does the same for me. 29. I was your Advocate for the entire time you had to be involved with the hospital and medical community – I fought for you “tooth and nail” – I’m sure many of these folks though I was insane – but I wanted the best for you and when my perception was that you were not receiving the finest care I was “in their face”. I ensured that you had the best there was to give. Now that I have finished writing the Good vs. the Bad – I think I feel better. Yes I did some things that were not nice, kind or considerate – but when I look at what I did that was good - I believe the scales may be tilted to that side. I have had a rough day today – I was dwelling too much on the 5 Bad things and not the 29 Good things that I was able to identify here. I’m very sorry for the 5 Bad things – but I am also very proud of the 29 Good things that I accomplish during this last 10 months of your life. I love you as never before. Your John Boy I bet if you wrote a letter to your loved one that the “Good” column would far exceed the “Bad” column and that you did many wonderful things during the course of his illness. None of us are perfect – but we are all human – and our loved ones would be the first to extend forgiveness to us. They certainly would not want us to suffer. Now if we can only extend forgiveness to ourselves. Sometimes I still struggle with these issues – but it has gotten much better. Sit down and write your letter today – I would love to hear about the results. Writing is such a powerful tool – and in this case your own words will help you heal. My best to you always, John – Dusky is my handle on here

KayC, I think I have something to share with you that have been one of the more positive events that have occurred in my life since jack died 14 months ago – and it just happened within the last two weeks. I have had what I consider to be a very difficult time with jacks Son – Tom – who literally pulled up his family and left where jack and I lived within 10 months of jacks death. I have had a very difficult time dealing with what I considered to be abandonment by Jacks Son. I knew he loved his Father and me for that matter – but our relationship has been strained by what I saw as his running from his Fathers death – and me. I have finally been able to open up a genuine line of communication with him. Finally through some email communications he is expressing himself and the correspondence that unfolded recently has warmed my heart. It has always been my desire to ensure that he and Jacks Granddaughters remember Jack. The e-mail exchanges that you are about to read are an example of what can happen when people close to the person who has died can openly talk about what that person meant to them. Following are the e-mail exchanges just as they unfolded – a wonderful example of something positive happening now 14 months after I lost Jack – and Tom lost his Father. Here they are – they start with an email from Jacks Daughter-in-law to me - and slowly develops into a heart filled exchange between just Tom and Myself. Here is the positive experience you sought to hear about: ______________________________________________________________________________ John, Both Tom & I think you would enjoy theses pics. We both feel Mia loves the clock you guys gave to Madison more than Madison ever did at this age! I know that is hard to believe, but she crawls or walks to the wall where the clock is and tells us to start it again! Hopefully, you can see how happy the clock really makes her. Enjoy, Karrin ______________________________________________________________________________ Tom and Karrin, These pictures were delightful - Mia has certainly grown and appears to be totally enthralled with the clock. I still remember how thrilled and excited Jack was when we were in the process of buying that clock for Madison. He always wanted her to have all those extra little gifts - that would probably be considered "frills" - but were so important to him. I can still recall that one of Jacks first reactions to his deadly cancer was his saying "I wanted so much to be here to watch Madison grow up - and now I won't". They had just told him he had 6-8 weeks to live without an operation and 12 - 18 months with an operation. His words still greatly affect my own desires - to in some way "see" what he never will - on his behalf. How ironic - that even had he lived he still would not have actually been able to "see" his grandchildren grow - but only hear their lives unfold. I know I should be grateful for the 27 wonderful years I had with your Father - but sometimes the pain of knowing what he is missing is almost too unbearable for me to imagine. It's the missed future that most greatly affects my recovery from his death. I look at these pictures and see pieces of your Father - in those eyes and those hands and those arms and that nose and smile - and I'm speaking of You Tom - and then I see the same reflections in Mia - what a beautiful duplication. I was "Your Fathers eyes" for 10 months when he was dying - and now that he is gone I still find myself trying to "see for him" - and try to "imagine his joy" at what these pictures reflect. If you look close enough into my eyes - someday you will see your Fathers joyful eyes reflected back at you - in all that I am trying to absorb through pictures such as these. Your distance makes this more difficult for me - but not impossible - thanks to all this wonderful technology and the Internet. Keep the pictures coming - they do in fact help me heal. Remind them often - of the wonderful person that he was. Miss you. Love, John ______________________________________________________________________________ John, Mia loves the clock so much It’s just amazing. Madison loved to but Mia just takes it to another level. She points at it all the time. When it chimes on the hour she does her little dance. She will come up to you and point to the clock like let’s go make it play. It’s one of those things we were talking about the other day. It’s something to remember the both of you by without having to say a word. Madison knows who got that for her and she gets joy out of watching Mia play with the clock she got from her papas. Love Tom ______________________________________________________________________________ Tom, You made me cry - in a good way - and for many reasons. I can't tell you how much I miss your Father. Love, John ______________________________________________________________________________ John, It just sucks. It’s one of those things where you can afford to have basically anything you want but the things you really want money can’t buy or bring back. It makes you treasure the little things that were purchased or handed down that put a time or reference point with a memory. Like the clock that was Christmas Eve at your hours. Something you really don’t appreciate as much until a catastrophic event happens in everybody’s life. To see the joy in his face Christmas Eve when he was talking about the clock and explaining the engraving on the back. Then you realize how special that clock is. Love Tom ______________________________________________________________________________ Tom, Yes - it sure does suck. And I wish I were more able to live my life the way your Father lived his - that "in the moment" flare - he had. Somehow I think he would have been able to come to terms with my death and move forward a little easier - he adjusted so well to change - something I have always struggled with. It warms my heart to hear about how Madison remembers her Papa Jack - and how the potential is there for Mia to begin to know him through what is now shared with her. The best gift you could ever give me - will be for you to recall that Christmas Eve (and the clock) and your Fathers description of the Clock and it’s engraving - to your children as they grow. These type of intangible gifts are the only ones my heart desires. So many stories of his life - and the special character that he was - exist in our minds and hearts - and I hope some day to hear many of these stories about him - from their lips. Thank you Tom - this is the first time - in a long time - where I have a very hopeful feeling that your Father will truly live again - through Madison, Mia and you. I see you remember the "joy on his Face" as well. For many of my days it is this type of remembrance "his smiling face" that allows me to make it through the day. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to learn to enjoy life the way he did - so easily - so simply - so honestly - so ever present - so adequately defined by the "joy on his face". Did you know that he told one of his customers sometime during the last two weeks of his working - He said to her - "You know I'm 99.9 percent happy with my life." I'm not sure what they were talking about - but for any one to make that type of comment - and to be that happy with their life is a truly amazing statement. How many people do you know that can label such a high percentage of happiness to their life? Personally I know of none. He was the most remarkable person I have ever known. I not only loved him - but I admired him in many many ways. The biggest compliment someone can pay me - is when he or she tells me that they see a piece of your Father in me. I am honored to know that sometimes I reflect - who he was. We grew together in many ways and like any couple you begin to take on pieces of the other. Some day I hope I can say I am 99.9 percent happy with my life (as he did) - a daunting task without his physical presence. I miss him - and I miss you too. Love you, Keep smiling - your "Fathers smile". John ______________________________________________________________________________ John, I didn’t know about the 99.9% happiness in is life. All the high maintenance kidding I gave him was just a miss understanding of the simplicity that he loved. When you think about it, he had everything to be happy about and it was quite simple and down to earth. A business which he loved, his Cadillac, and most importantly friends and family to share his life with, he wasn’t one who needed to go out on the town or take a trip around the world, just a little at home time and he was completely happy. To think about all the teasing I gave him regarding the couple days at home after a vacation, I guess the at home days is what made him 99.9% happy. It’s just too bad you really don’t take the time to analyze why people do what they did until it’s too late. I remember saying lets all go to Disneyland and it would go in one ear and out the other, but now I realize he was happier with all of us sitting by the pool and eating popcorn. It’s kind of simple and not high maintenance at all. Interesting Love Tom ______________________________________________________________________________ Tom, Much more simple - and much less high maintenance than we all realized. Despite the fact that I would kid him about being like Dolly - with that "Dolly Finger" - your Father was so much more like your Grandfather - a fact I wish I had expressed to him much more. I don't have to go too far to analyze why people do what they do until its too late as grief has a way of becoming its own self- analysis - and I have done a lot of that. Thank God he had a few faults of his own - which when remembered allows me to more gently forgive my self for my own shortcomings and times when I was not so sweet. I imagine it's the human condition to live most of our lives with "blinders on" - failing to recognize the simplicity of "some pool side conversation and a bag of popcorn". Simple - and certainly not high maintenance. Your Grandfather exhibited some of these same fine qualities - You have before you the essence of life lived out miraculously well by two fine individuals in your live. If you remember correctly it was the core of the Eulogy to your Father which addressed mostly the "Good Man he was" - and - "Living in the Moment" - and - "Love" - exemplified quite simply - by sitting by the pool and eating popcorn. Your Father appeared to be a very complex man - but at closer observation - he was in reality a simple man - with a crystal clear agenda - and he possessed the key to a happy life in how simply he really lead that life. You learn a lot - from what you failed to see. But I guess the important thing is - that you eventually see it. We search and search for happiness in life - and yet he knew just where to find it and how to get there - and without a struggle. I guess the old saying is true "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line". How simple. How very "popcorn" of him. How funny that the meaning of life would be so simple - and that it would not be fully recognized until the messenger can't be seen or heard. Your Father left us all a most powerful message - I hope I am man enough to follow it - I hope you are too. What a legacy has been placed at our doorstep. Love you Tom. John ______________________________________________________________________________ This is the warmest – most current and recently positive experience to touch my life since Jack as died. I hope it warms your heart half as much as mine has been warmed. My love to you all John – Dusky is my handle on here

Spunkye - Benita and Larrysgirl Thank you for the thoughtful reply - I am glad the pome touched you - it is amazing how writing can help you heal. And i see that you have been reading some of my very old posts on here. Thank you also for you warm reply to a message I wrote so long ago - when I was hear the beginning of this long process - the one about "Remebering Jack" - "In the Moment". I really do not know how I have survived all that has happened - but i do beleive that somewhere along the line I got a huge step up on the greif process because jack was sick for 10 months and I was greiving the slow loss of him many months before he physically left me. It has been two years now since Jack was diagnosed with a btain tumor - and 14 months since he died. Writing and things like this greif site have helped me tremendously. The way you describe your husband makes me thing that he and Jack had some of the same wonderful personality traits - it is so hard to try to come to terms with and understand why these good people are taken from us way to soon. Lt is helpful to talk wabout our loved ones and what they meant to us - and to remember all their finest qualities - like Jack's "Livining in the Moment" - the essence of who he was - and what I am trying to continue in his name. It is good to share with you and with all the folks on here. A special note for Larrysgirl. Thank you for the kind personal message following my recent post - last evening. I responded to you - but for some reason it seems to have gone into "never never" land. I had taken a break from posting and did a small bit of trveling. I just needed some time away from all the saddness for a short time. Love to each of you on this wonderful site - this wonderful healing space. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Jamie, Every story of loss touches my heart when I read the messages on this site – but when I see one that talks of Brain Tumors and losing your loved one in this manner it always finds a special empathy for what I know you had to endure during the course of this illness. Brain Cancer is a horrible disease and one, which took my partner of 27 years - 14 months ago. So many of your words and descriptions resonate with me - the surgeries – the radiations – the chemo - the delusions the disability - the perfectly healthy loved one slowly changing and drifting from your sight. You are in fact another person who understands the horrors of brain cancer – the debilitating and crushing effect on the one we lost and the crippling effect it has on the one who remains. I was strengthened by a number of things following the death of my partner (Jack) – I read a lot of books on grief – had a few friends and family that stayed close to me – I wrote a lot (Songs and Pomes and Journaling) – and then there were the many people on this site who were so very kind and considerate and helpful. In ALL these people you have found a treasure. They are magnificent human beings. So many of them know my story - and I have told it many times – but it is not my intent to tell it all again here and now – but rather to just to let you know that I do understand some of the pain you are experiencing as I have traveled this same road. It’s been nearly 6 weeks since I have visited my many friends on this site. For some reason I needed some time away from writing and thinking and speaking – and so I put it all aside for just a short time – and then I tuned in again – and found you - Jamie. So much wonderful advice has been showered upon you that I was left with just a few thoughts after reading this post. I wanted to share these few thoughts with you – so here they are: 1. Keep Herman’s cloths as long as you want to. Jacks still hang in the closet – and it should always remain your decision as to what you want to do with them. I will share one idea that I am currently pursuing with Jacks cloths. I am going to have a quilt made from many of his clothing. Eventfully this quilt will be given to Jacks Granddaughter – Madison – who I will pass it along to when I die. Some of the same shirts and pants that will make up this quilt will be some of the same clothing that Jack wore when he held Madison as a child. The cloths will eventually come full circle – they have a story to tell of their own. Don’t ever fell rushed in your decision as to what to do with Herman’s cloths – there may be other useful purposes for them – such as a quilt – or some other meaningful memorial to him. 2. I did not dream of Jack for nearly a month and an half after he died. I sometimes wondered if I had done something wrong. Strange how our minds work – but suddenly the dreams came and - here he was - beautiful and healthy. The wonderful thing about my dreams was - that in them - Jack is always looking strong and beautiful – with a full head of hair. Even if he is ill in my dreams he does not look ill - he may speak of being ill – but he looks healthy. I dream of him full of life - and usually walking and with his sight. Jack had gone blind three weeks into his battle with brain cancer – and so when I can see him “seeing” it gives me great pleasure. Trust me – you will dream of Herman – and he will be whole to you – and as perfect in your dreams as your love for him. Give the dreams some time – they will come – he will come - to you. 3. One of the hardest things for me has been people shying away from talking about the death of Jack – or speaking his name. Speaking of the loved one we have lost is a great gift that those who interact with us can give us after the person has died. I do not want to be shielded from ever hearing his name again – I want to hear his name - and see it flow from the mouths of those who loved him. So let our loved ones names be spoken and heard often – and the memory of who they were continued. How else can we do this than by speaking their names? Speak of Herman often and with everyone – it will help you heal. Jacks name has been spoken – by me – every day since his death – and it has helped me heal. I want to leave you with a poem I wrote in January 2006 – 5 months after Jack died. Its about dreams –and waking up in the morning – and seems to touch on some of the pain – and also some hope as we all move forward in this passage through our grief. Here is one of the many pomes I wrote to Jack. It is called “Slumbers Gentle Ride”. “Slumbers Gentle Ride” I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” You whisper, “Please don’t cry for me” - but tears they start to fall The real truth now startles me – my eyes with tears recall My pillow moist with sorrows juice - I feel you touch my Face Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle space” Each time I try to start the day – your voice it calls me back I tell you “Keep me by your side” – let morning light go black I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” I finally rise to start the day – I feel you touch my Side A day just like the last one dear - its like the rising tide I pour my morning coffee – knowing that you took yours black Straight from the pot was what you liked – the condiments it lacked Your mouth – it touched the cup I use – I feel you touch my Lips I use the mug you always loved – remembering with each sip The paths we shared together – walking one step at a time Recalling precious moments - with your hand entwined with mine I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” The pieces of each day slip by - I feel you touch my Heart Your presence here is constant now – I knew you’d find my Heart The life we shared is gone - I know – a new one did begin I found a way to keep you close - and now my heart can sing The pieces of each day slip by - I feel you touch my Heart Your presence here is constant now – I knew you’d find my Heart I find you in the places that we share our whole life through I keep you in my memory – where I treasure me and you I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride” (copyright John R. Davis 1/4/06) May you find Herman – soon – In “Slumbers Gentle Ride”. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, Thanks for the message and the song. I feel as alone tonight as the words of this song. I know what you are feeling. What a lonley road we travel on this greif voyage. Thank God for this site and people like you. Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KarenH, So glad to hear you are having some good days – these times seem to ebb and flow from my experience. And – yes – the book you referenced is excellent “the Five People you meet in Heaven” – you never know which ones are going to be the ones that touch you and add such eventual meaning to your life. I had read that book about a year before Jack died – in retrospect – it does in fact have a healing quality about it. There is another book that I just finished reading that is very powerful – it is called “Letters to Kate” by Carl Klaus – I am not sure if I have mentioned it in my other post to you – but it is really really good. The man is 70 and he lost his 60-year-old wife suddenly after 37 years of marriage. The book is simply letters he wrote her nearly every day following her death for the first year following her death. It touches on so many of the feelings and emotions that we all go through that first year. I would highly recommend it. When I finished reading it I just sat there and cried – it is truly powerful. It gave me hope that there truly can be life after such tragic loss. If you read it let me know what you think I literally could not put it down once I opened the first page. Hope you – and all on here are doing well. I leave for Toronto tomorrow – and will be back in touch after the 25th. Love and peace to you all – my special extended family. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Karen H – and everyone else on the site, Thanks for your reply and some additional information as to what happened when Paul was ill – wow – 16 months – I’m sure it was a tortuous voyage. And thank you also for sharing that you too got frustrated and said some things that you wish you could take back. Forgiveness has been a long struggle for me – but to hear that others had the same experience makes me feel better. I have slowly learned to forgive myself – through all these writings – books I’ve read and support from people like yourself who have taken this same painful caretaking role that devastates you mentally physically and emotionally. So if Jack and God can forgive me – I have decided to forgive myself as well. Thank you again for your kind words. Brain Cancer is such a devastating disease – having to watch your loved one slowly vanish from your sight – and lose bits and pieces – inch by inch. One of the hardest parts of this process for me has been trying to recover from these images of the long dying process. I have made progress – and the support from this site is truly amazing. The folks at Hospice and the folks who visit this site are all angles on earth. As for the way to reply to messages – all you do is go back to your original message – at the top and hit “add reply” – that way your response to others reply to yours ends up on the same message. It was very confusing to me at first as well. I remember WaltC helping me out when I first stated using this site. I don’t normally send a private message – it is too confusing for me. Normally I share everything I have to say with everyone. I benefit so much from everyone on here. I hate to imagine this voyage without each and every one of you. I will be going to Toronto on Monday August 14th for 12 days – a much needed escape. I hope all of you stay well – and when I return will reconnect with all my friends here. Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here

Karen H – and everyone else on the site, Thanks for your reply and some additional information as to what happened when Paul was ill – wow – 16 months – I’m sure it was a tortuous voyage. And thank you also for sharing that you too got frustrated and said some things that you wish you could take back. Forgiveness has been a long struggle for me – but to hear that others had the same experience makes me feel better. I have slowly learned to forgive myself – through all these writings – books I’ve read and support from people like yourself who have taken this same painful caretaking role that devastates you mentally physically and emotionally. So if Jack and God can forgive me – I have decided to forgive myself as well. Thank you again for your kind words. Brain Cancer is such a devastating disease – having to watch your loved one slowly vanish from your sight – and lose bits and pieces – inch by inch. One of the hardest parts of this process for me has been trying to recover from these images of the long dying process. I have made progress – and the support from this site is truly amazing. The folks at Hospice and the folks who visit this site are all angles on earth. As for the way to reply to messages – all you do is go back to your original message – at the top and hit “add reply” – that way your response to others reply to yours ends up on the same message. It was very confusing to me at first as well. I remember WaltC helping me out when I first stated using this site. I don’t normally send a private message – it is too confusing for me. Normally I share everything I have to say with everyone. I benefit so much from everyone on here. I hate to imagine this voyage without each and every one of you. I will be going to Toronto on Monday August 14th for 12 days – a much needed escape. I hope all of you stay well – and when I return will reconnect with all my friends here. Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here

Derek, I don’t know if you realize it or not – but you are indeed a remarkable person – actually you are a remarkable Man. Let me tell you why. I have observed you during the course of the last few months. You are thoughtful, articulate, caring, and honest - but most of all you are willing to share what’s going on in your mind and in your heart. You have come to this site – and you’ll notice that few men do – and you have shared what you are feeling. You have also helped others even though you are in pain yourself. You are a good Man. You are also unique to your species – as I know I am in many ways. Men so often do not know how to grieve – they normally hide it and camouflage it and run from it to avoid the pain. You have faced it head on - and you are therefore not only making it through the difficult grieving journey but you are showing Carson -by your example - how well adversity can be transversed. You call it “ranting and raving and spilling your guts” – I call it a Man in touch with his own humanity. You are a most remarkable Man - and a gem of a Father and a human being. Peace to you – and that young soul you are carrying - so well - on your shoulders. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Dear Walt C, We are so very very very pleased that you have returned. You have been missed. So happy that you are doing well. Love, John - Dusky on here

Dear Karen H, How I can understand what you are feeling. I was drawn to your post because you indicate you lost your husband of 25 years to a Brain Tumor. I too lost my partner (I am gay) of 27 years to the same dreadful disease. What you describe in your post resonates with me very strongly. My partner died on July 31, 2005 about 4 months before your husband. He was ill a total of 10 months and early on in this tragedy he also lost his sight. I saw this once strong and powerful person slowly lose his left side. He went from full sight to – blind – from being able to walk – to only being able to stand – to being bed ridden – all in 10 months. Some of the worst times for me know has trying to forget the devastation of the 10 month illness and watching someone you love leave you in bits and pieces. The time since his death – now one year has been difficult. I can relate to the extreme period of loneliness and friends drifting from contact. You mention Journaling. That is one thing that has sustained me so very well. I write a lot – and I also write pomes and songs about the tragedy of this loss. I also read a lot. I think that you will find the writing to be a great comfort. I have learned the power of forgiveness – as I had to find a way to forgive myself for the times when I lost my patience with Jack during the course of his illness. This has been a difficult task – but so essential to healing. I do not know how long your husband was ill – or how you dealt with the slow loss of his abilities – but I would be very interested in hearing more about your journey though that time. We seem to have a great deal in common – and I do feel it is healthy to be able to talk about it and write about it. Please share your experiences with me. I have so many stories I could write a book – and may. I am going to share a list of the 40+ books I have read since Jack's death. They have provided me great comfort. See the list below – I hope this will help you some how. The book I am currently reading is very interesting – it is entitled “Letters to Kate – Life after Life” by Carl Klause. It is simply a series of letters (he wrote one nearly every day) to his wife after she died for the first year. I am now reading it after my first year has passed and it is amazing some of the feelings he describes and how accurately he details this grieving voyage. I would highly recommend this and many of the other books you will see listed below. Here is the list: Grief Bibliography 1. Surviving the death of your Spouse Livinson 2. Care giving * McLead 3. Grief’s Outrages Journey Caplan 4. Life and Loss Deits 5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul Canfiled/Hanson 6. Wherever your go – There you are * Kabat-Zinn 7. Unattended Sorrow * Levine 8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again * Sanders 9. The Mourning Handbook Fitzgerald 10. Healing your grieving heart Wolfelt 11. Life Lessons * kubler-Ross/Kesler 12. How to go on living when someone dies * Rando 13. A year to live * Levine 14. Letting go with love * Connor 15. The dying time * Furman/McNabb 16. Companion through the darkness * Ericsson 17. Don’t let death ruin your life * Brooke 18. A time to grieve * Staudacher 19. Too soon old too late smart * Livingston 20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace * Kornfield 21. Grieving mindfully * Kumar 22. When your Spouse dies Curry 23. Five good Minutes Millstine 24. Healing After Loss * Hickman 25. The Power of NOW * Tolle 26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner * Michael Shernoff 27. A Journey through Grief Alla Bozarth 28. When Bad things happen to Good people Harold S. Kushner 29.The Grief Recovery Handbook * John W. James & Frank Cherry 30. Ambiguous Loss * Pauline Boss 31. The Precious Present * Spencer Johnson 32. Life after Loss * Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel 33. Writings to heal the Heart * Susan Zimmerman 34. The Grief Recovery Handbook * John James & Frank Cherry 35. When Bad things Happen to Good People * Harold Kushner 36. Stillness Speaks (have not read yet) Eckhart Tolle 37. In Lieu of Flowers * Nancy Cobb 38. The Other Side and Back * Sylvia Browne 39. Blessings from the Other Side * Sylvia Browne 40. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow * Karen Casey 41. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying * Sogyal Rinpoche 42. The Loss Of A Partner * Carolyn A. Walker 43. Life On The Other Side Sylvia Brown 44. Transcending Loss * Ashley Prend 45. The Heart Of Grief * Thomas Attig 46. Letters To Kate Carl Klaus I would enjoy hearing from you and providing more detail of your journey through This sadness. My best to you, John - Dusky is my handle on here

Pattiz54, Kayc, MarrtyT and Dpodesta, Once again – thank you so much for your kind and warm thoughts. I would love to share a picture of Jack with all of you – so I am going to try to attach one to this posting – and hope that you can in fact open it up. It’s the same picture as the one that appeared in the Fountain Hill Times – only this one is in full color. The picture was taken in Mid September 2004 – just two weeks before Jack was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ten months later he was dead. He was only 55 when the picture was taken – and if I am successful in getting it all to you – you will be amazed at how young this 55 year old man looks. He looked no more than 40 – like a fountain of youth – My Jack. So let me try to attach his picture and see if it works – and thank you for allowing me to share his beautiful smile with each of you. I was so fortunate to have had this “prize of a man” in my life for nearly 27 years. Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here. [attachmentid=45]

To all of you - Kayc, Charlie, AnnC, PattiZ54, Bebekat, Larrysgirl and Dpodesta, Thank you all for your wonderful messages of support. I have been so busy not only with the anniversary of Jacks death but also the fall out from taking care of Timmy's affiairs that I have not had much time to reply to all of you on line - but I treasure each and everyone of you and your continued support. What a wonderful "Family" you have all become for me - people who truly understand this difficult journey. Such a warm and careing place this site offers to us all - such dear friends you are to me. AnnC and PattieZ54 - your recounting to me your expereinces with persons of different sexual preference restores my faith in the human spirit which we all share as individuals. Love is universal - after all - and not limited - catagorized - or judged. You are all special people - with warm and careing hearts - and I am blessed to have you - each of you - as part of my life. Jack would be so happy that I found such a warm and caring place to heal. My love to you all, John - Dusky is my handle on here PS - I wanted to share the following link with you all. For those who may have lost a pet in the past - as Jack and I lost Dusky - you will find this link touching and moving. I hope it comes through so you can access it. Here it is: http://www.ladyjayes.com/rainbowbridge.html

So great to hear WaltC is progressing - He is such a wonderful part of our "family" here. If you see this WaltC - we all miss you. Love John - Dusky is my handle on here

To all my Grief Site Friends, Today I sent the message below to all my e-mail friends and family. I wanted to share this same message with all of you - as my tribute to My Jack - who will be gone from my sight one year on Monday July 31st. _______________________________________________________________________ In recognition of the one-year anniversary of Jack’s death on July 31st - there will be a memorial tribute to him in the July 26th edition of the Fountain Hills Times. There will also be a tribute in the Phoenix Magazine ECHO on July 27th along with the obituary for Timmy – the man who helped me care for Jack during his illness and tragically lost his own life on July 3rd of this year. On Sunday July 30th Jacks name will be mentioned at church services at the Community Church of Hope in Phoenix along with an insert memorial statement in their church bulletin. And so - a year has nearly passed since Jack died – and two years since this perfectly healthy man fell ill with a brain tumor – went blind - and was eventually taken from all of us. I have cried nearly every day since that October morning in 2004 when he was diagnosed - and although progress has been made on grief’s journey - I also realize that this is a life long endeavor. There are those who believe that grief lasts a certain length of time – then the sadness lifts and life returns to normal. The reality of grief is not that simple - and it is not ‘simply over’ in a year. It is a twisted road - that on some levels - stays with a grieving heart until the end of life. I will get through this passage of grief – but the goal is to actually transcend this loss – and I am well on my way to doing just that. During this last year I have had my faith questioned – the way I grieve questioned – friends lost – family lost – friends gained – family gained – address book rewritten for me - I have been ignored by some – and welcomed into the loving arms of others – I have been surprised by who stayed with me and who vanished - I have had to defend the very core of who Jack was - and who I am - to those challenged with a sense of compassion and whose hearts still dwell in an era of subtle discrimination. I have been annoyed and even disgusted by the lack of understanding and distance that grief can present – and I have been overjoyed and grateful beyond words for the kindnesses shown to me by so many. I have been complimented – and I have been criticized. I have graciously accepted your acts of kindness and I have fiercely defended criticism. I have been up to every challenge I have faced - and humbled by so many loving hearts. This is a time for reflection – for me – and a time to share not only the pain of the last two years but more importantly the joy and happiness of Jacks life. He was a remarkable character – a remarkable personality – the finest person I have ever known – and remembering him - and the finest qualities he had to offer each of us - is my way of keeping his sprit alive in me. I have found that I am a survivor – not willing to let the most devastating event of my life devastate my future. So I carry him with me now – all that he was – all that he would have been – all that each of you knew about him - into my future - in the safe confines of my heart. What a treasure he was to me – and to so many of you. I reminded myself recently just what he brought into to my life - and here is what I found to be his most endearing qualities – the reasons why I loved him so much - and still do. Yes he had faults – we all do - but this is a time to remember the “Best of Jack” – and so the following list reviews what he gave to me – what I saw in him - the qualities I valued most about this man I love – My Jackie O: 1. He was dependable 2. He had a beautiful sense of humor 3. He had a great love for animals – especially Dachshunds 4. He was romantic – He said “I love you” so very often 5. He was not afraid to cry – and to show his emotions 6. He was clean, neat and orderly 7. He had good looks and beautiful hair 8. He lived so very well “In The Moment” – The signature of his being 9. He had a kind and gentle nature 10. He had an ability to weed through problems – and find the correct answer 11. He had a wonderful business mind 12. He was passionate and kind 13. He was honest 14. He had integrity 15. He loved to garden – and water his plants – and wash down the driveway 16. He loved cars – especially his Cadillac’s 17. He loved to go to the movies – we did it every week 18. He loved popcorn – especially shared with Dusky and me. 19. He was artistic – seen in his craft – his life long career of hairstyling 20. He had beautiful hands – strong and masculine 21. He had a beautiful face – I still see it in my mind – every day 22. He gathered friends like a magnet - each drawn to his personality 23. He was socially warm and friendly to everyone 24. He had an unbelievable gift of gab 25. He was the center of attention wherever he went – yet unassuming 26. He had an unending sense of happiness 27. He was silly and funny in so many ways – Like “Lucy Ricardo” – fun to be around 28. He was so very fun to be around 29. He was always thoroughly involved in what ever task he was performing 30. He was sensitive 31. He was loving 32. He had wonderful culinary abilities 33. He had the best Banana Bread Recipe ever 34. He was a man of great routine – once a tradition or ritual was begun – he wanted to keep it 35. He earned a lot of money – but did not care about money 36. He loved his life’s work 37. He loved his friends 38. He loved his family 39. He loved Dusky 40. He loved me – and I loved him - Everyone loved him We should all leave this earth with such a legacy – The length of life is not important – but the quality of life is. Jack had great “Quality of Life” – and the qualities he brought to our lives are worth remembering. He is worth remembering – and I will do that always. And it is within the qualities he possessed – the essence of who he was - that I find my strength to go on – to find a new live and live it fully again. The journey will continue the rest of my life – because grief in so many ways is a life long journey. It will not be easy living with out Jack’s physical presence – but he will be with me in my heart. I will incorporate the best of who he was (and that’s a lot) into my very being. He will in fact live through me in how I continue to live the remainder of my time with all of you. He will be remembered and you can see him - in me - any time you wish too. Remember Him – I do every day. My love to you all – and My Love to My Jackie O. We all Live – We all die But the end is not goodbye The sun comes up – and the seasons change But through it all – Love remains An eternal burning flame Hope lives on – and Love remains John - Jack’s John Boy Dusky is my handle on here

Hello to everyone, I have not been on line lately due to another death I have had to begun dealing with. The man who had helped me take care of My Jack when he was ill drowned in a pool on 7-3-06 - and I was his personal representative on his will - The last two weeks have found me not only buried in this new grief - but also dealing with a ton of paper work and preparations for a memorial service - which was held last Saturday.Timmy was only 41 when he died. I have not been able to find time to get on line and even tell you all about all this sad news - until now. Please know I am thinking of you all - and hope to return to the site sometime soon. Jacks one year anniversary is coming up on 7-31-06 - so I am trying to incorporate this fa ct into my life and deal with another tragic death at the same time. My love to you all - and of course my best to WaltC - who means so much to each of us on this site. Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here