Dusky

Derek, Thank you for your kind words. You remian one of the most articulate individuals to grace this site = and I am greatful for your freindship and all the other kind members of this site. Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

My Dear Friends, I have been noting that there are many new members on here who have recently lost there spouse/partner/mate. Many of you know me but some of the new folks do not. Although I have continued to read the posts by so many of you I have been busy moving and involved with the editing and publishing of the book I have recently written. The reason I am writing today is to share a poem with you. Its one of many I wrote in conjunction with the book I have written. It was actually the last poem I wrote – back in January of this year. It will appear in my book as one of my closing pieces of poetry – and – it will appear in the Fountain Hills Arizona newspaper the last week in July to mark the 2-year anniversary of my losing Jack. I felt perhaps that this piece of poetry might help those who are experiencing the painful emotions of recently losing their partner. Some of you may have seen this poem before – but for those of you who are new to this site – I present it once again for you. Here is my poem – called “Memories of Green” – as time passes the memories and remembering your loved one will sustain you. “Memories Of Green” A killing frost - fell on the ground It took away life - all around Green and fresh - what I recall Living breathing plants - so tall Remember how the sun would shine How the rain would feed the vines Remember how it was all small And how it all grew into tall And then the killing frost arrived With mighty force - and deadly stride It took away life – all around As dusty white - fell on the ground Death becomes what can be seen But I have “Memories Of Green” And so it is with cancers march Just like the frost – a molten starch It takes away all life around It spreads and chocks - and turns life brown Remember how - the sun would shine How love became - the story line Remember how - we grew from small And how – we grew from small to tall Life is like the frost we see It sometimes kills the beauty And underneath the killing frost Are memories of all that’s lost Death becomes what can be seen But I have “Memories Of Green” When frost has taken life from you Erased and snatched what you grew Remember how the sun would shine How the rain would feed the vines Death becomes what can be seen But you have “Memories Of Green” My best to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, Thanks for sharing the beautiful song. It's still painful nearly two years later. At least here - i know people understand. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, Yes – I too have these same types of feelings – nearly two years after Jacks death. This passage remains a very difficult struggle, yet I do feel it is easier now than it was in those initial days and the first year after Jack died. For me it has been reading and writing that has sustained me. Recently I moved, which is reason for my absence from contact on this site for the last month. I have tried to read many of the comments and responses during the last month but moving certainly prevented me from a more active role. I still cry – nearly two years later. The pain is not as sharp, but I also realize that it not about “getting over it” – a phrase I cannot understand. There is no “getting over” this. I can only trust that by remembering and incorporating those memories into my future existence I will be able to move forward. This experience has been about “moving forward” with memories and not about “letting go.” I found some solace in both reading and writing. I guess each of us finds different avenues to help us through this process – but it is a vaccine – not a cure. There is no earthly cure for this pain. I remain determined. The pain is a reminder of how much I loved him. My vaccine (reading and writing) sustains me until we meet again. KayC, I understand your pain. I understand the pain that all of you live with each day. I am here for each of you always. I am sorry for my recent absence from this site. Love and peace to each of you. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Karenb, I see you lost your Jack (my they had the same name) just four days before my Jack. Memories and remembering have sustained me. This is a wonderful site with so many kind and compassonate people who, despite their own suffering and pain, are capable of reaching out to others. Warm thoughts are with you, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

kayC, Oh My - I have yet to return to the hospital that Jack spent so many weeks at before coming home to die - the though has alwasy been too painful for me. I am thinking of you my dear friend. John - Dusky on here Love you Jack

Karenb, I certainly understand what you have written – and on many levels. First, I am on nearly the exact same time line as you are since my Jack died on July 31, 2005 and you indicate that you lost your husband in August 2005. I still have some days when I have – as you describe – a melt down. I guess the difference is that there is a greater distance between these days. At first, they were constant and frankly overwhelming. Time I guess ahs softened the rough edges, and I am learning how to deal with the “new normal”. I imagine that my days of melt down are my own means of rebelling against the “new normal” that is absent my Jack. I still talk to jack, write to jack and wear his ring around my neck. The relationship is different – but love simply never dies – it has been the only thing to truly survive this nightmare. I have been in counseling through Hospice ever since jack died. The only difference has been that every two weeks sessions have become every one-month sessions. Talking to a compassionate and understanding professional is healthy. Friends and family who really understand have been very helpful; to me; however, there have been some family and friends who have been very disappointing. Some people will never understand this type of pain until faced with personally. Some family and fiends can have a tremendously adverse effect on our grief. This experience has crystallized for me who I could really depend on in an emergency and shown me how some very close friends and family can literally vanish from your life when faced with seeing me experience the most devastating loss of my life. The book I have written touches on many of the aspects and problems that someone losing their mate faces. One of the subject matters of my book deal specifically with how I dealt with the loss of family and friends. I thought I would share that portion with you. It provides insight as to what I faced and how I handled it – which may be different for each person – but a glimpse of what happened to me. Here is how that portion of the book reads: “I lost close contact with some friends and family defending my belief in not letting go. I defended my belief that there was nothing wrong in remembering my mate. I defended my belief that the foundation of my future was not based on a buried past, but a remembered past. I defended my strong sense of spirituality over connection to any particular religion or the necessity to read a particular bible for guidance. I defended my own beliefs and feelings of spirituality against those who implied I was not a man of faith, when in fact I am. I was annoyed, and even disgusted, by the lack of understanding and distance that grief presented. I was also overjoyed, and grateful beyond words, for the kindness shown to me by some. The core of my support and a few other kind souls sustained me with continued phone calls, invitations, listening skills and providing the proverbial “shoulder to cry on”. I received compliments and criticism. The compliments referred to my strength of character, ability to move forward and unending devotion to the memory of Jack and my capacity to foster his legacy. The criticisms were much more vague and couched in pieces of unsolicited advice pertaining to a narrowly defined religious prescription to handle grief by “burying” it, accepting ridged impious institutionalized concepts of healing. Their means of finding peace, all precluded Jack, as a part of my future. I refused to forget Jack to satisfy these supposedly well-intentioned requests for me to do so. I refused accept the critics message and instead followed the more enlightened view of bereavement which acknowledges that good memories would provide me comfort and connect me to Jack, while at the same time providing the pathway to my future. I graciously accepted the acts of kindness and I fiercely defended criticism. I was up to every challenge I faced, and humbled by so many loving hearts. Finally, I answered those few calls to let go and all my critics with my own version of letting go. It was not Jack I had to let go of, it was the chorus of misdirected advice that I bid farewell. One of the last things I did on the final march to progression and hope was to trim my Christmas card and e-mail list to reflect individuals who understood the grief process or at least were willing to let me talk about loss without ridicule or criticism. Any one who truly knows me understands how unrealistic it would be for me to abandon my mention of the man I shared 27 years of my life in such an emotional communion. The old saying is very true, “grief rewrites your address book for you”. There was one defining difference between myself and that chorus of misdirected advice. The difference was my recovery spans a lifetime while there’s is measured in much less time. Now I was ready to find Jack.” This ends a little glimpse at one small portion of my book and a peek at just one issue (relationships with family and friends) which can be so severely tested and in some cases destroyed by the death of a mate. Isn’t it amazing how the death of our loved ones causes some of those who have been so close to us in the past (friends and family) to vanish in the same death-like fashion as out lost love. There are four things that sustained me during this period since Jacks death – and they are: •The core support of five people – my parents, my sister Cathy and two wonderful friends Judi and Sharon. •With counseling sessions provided by Hospice of the Valley •With reading numerous books on grieving and how to cope with the loss of a mate. •With writing – which proved to be the most therapeutic and meaningful path to recovery. I will continue to miss Jack and to feel like half of me died when he vanished from my sight. I will always feel the sting associated with a heart that is broken - regardless of the healing that has occurred - and will continue to occur. Time will not remove the pain, but it will soften the rough edges of pain and allow me to live again. Do whatever it takes to help you through those times of “melt down” and realize that you are not alone in having these “melt down” moments when your emotions become raw again. It is normal to have some painful times return on occasion. You are entitled to these moments and you are not alone in the fact that you have them. My best to you always, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Steven, Kayc, Karenb, Stallyn and Larry's Girl and all you wonderful folks on this site, Who gives more (nurturing) in a relationship – the woman or the man? What an interesting question – with room for all kinds of opinions. Whom does society generally recognize as more of a giver –a nurturer – the woman or the man? What an interesting dialogue. Each response I see regarding coping – and now the topic of giving or nurturing is couched in the confines of a traditional relationship between a man and a woman. Flip a coin and one person in a relationship will be the one who is more giving than the other is. Nevertheless, in either case it does not make the receiver less valuable in the relationship. It is sometimes difficult to be more consistently on the receiving end as well. Perhaps in the traditional relationship between a man and a woman it is the woman who more often takes on the role as the giver – but I would hate to be the one to make a judgment call – and would not try to do so here. Nevertheless, even in a same sex relationship, whether it is two men or two women, there will be one (and in my and Jack’s case who ever it was going to be was going to be a man) that is more the giver and the other more the receiver. With Jack and me, he had always been perceived as the one who was more nurturing – the label had to fall to one of us – and it was going to be a man regardless of who the outside world gave the label. However, during the 10 months of illness prior to his death, the tables were ‘turned’ and the majority of nurturing, in the traditional sense, became mine exclusively. At least that is what one might assume at first glance. Incapable of sight and much physical movement for 10 months, Jack still was able to “mentally nurture” all those around him including me - even absent his sight and mobility. I offer you the following example of Jack’s continuing ability to nurture all those around him in spit of sever illness, delusions and physical restrictions. The following is an excerpt of the book I am writing in memory of Jack: “Many individuals did visit Jack during the course of his illness, but many also pulled away. Some feared what they would see if they allowed themselves to visit their dear friend, failing to realize that he was still very much the same person. Physically changed, he would still greet each visitor with a smile and a hug. Unaware of what he looked like to others, the only change he was conscious of was the fact that he could not see. His delusions were real to him; therefore, they did not represent anything unusual. Moreover, in his mind he could still stand and walk, even when that was not reality. All a visitor had to do was look beyond the descriptive delusions to realize that his quick wit and remarkable sense of who he was still existed. So often, the ill and disabled are overlooked, looked past and through, without realizing the beauty that still remains within. Many of the people (friends, family and customers) closest to Jack when he was healthy missed the extraordinary individual he was by failing to partake, witness and experience his illness. The true essence of this man was most apparent in the closing days of his life. As difficult as this process was I am grateful I did not miss - one day - one instant - one heartache - of his illness and death. Witnessing and directly participating in this process has in fact allowed me to heal.” The truth of the matter is that either person can and will nurture to some degree and in some way during the course of a relationship. Jack did it for years. Then when he got sick, I did it as well. During the same time that I was supposedly nurturing Jack (during the last year of our lives together), he was still providing nurturing - in his special and unique fashion – even as sick as he was – to me and everyone else around him. Some of us – like Jack – are capable of providing some degree and level of comfort regardless of the extreme physical losses suffered. Nurturing can be accomplished without even raising a finger. It can be done by word and touch as well. Perhaps it is a woman in a heterosexual relationship that gives more – nurtures more – I would not hesitate to know. In mine, it flip flopped – but Jacks was certainly the one that would carry the label – and he was a man. Nevertheless, I say that with tongue in cheek since the other choice was also a man – me. In addition, who would have coped the death of the other better? Would Jacks well defined and talent at nurturing provided a better means to cope with my death? I doubt it. Regardless of which one of us had to deal with the horrors of brain cancer coupled with total blindness the survivor would have been left shattered. I was – and it has taken a Herculean effort to rise from the ashes of this nightmare – regardless of the label of giver, receiver, nurturer or “best able to cope”. Nothing can prepare you for this type of loss. Either way – in this relationship it was going to be a man. I do not think the pain of this type of loss finds greater depth in either sex. All I know is what a painful experience it is. You all allow me to reach into the depths of my thought process and provide me a way to contemplate so many interesting aspects of our relationships with our loved ones. Thank you for bringing these wonderful topics up fro discussion. What a great group. John Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Dear LarrysGirl, I can certainly understand the deep sadness you feel. One comfort I can offer you is that you are indeed not alone – especially when you visit this site. Each individual here knows the type of pain you suffer because we share the same type of pain and loss that you yourself are suffering. I believe it is normal to have these fleeting thoughts and desires to be where our loved ones are – separated from this dreadful task we face called grief. One thing that has sustained me all these months since Jack's death has been that this process I am enduring is in fact my final and most beautiful gift to him. Each of us has provided our loved one this gift of endurance so that they themselves would not have to grieve our loss. I am grateful that Jack will never have to feel the pain of my loss. Somehow, this gives this journey some meaning. We all experience some days that are worse than others – and we all pray – in our own way. I believe you pray – in your thoughts. Prayer does not have to be verbalized to be recognized as prayer. Actually, we continually pray with the thoughts we think. I was thinking this morning that I am approaching the two-year anniversary of Jack's death in July – and I could hardly believe it has been that long since he has been gone. Then I realized that it is actually nearly three years since he became ill and went blind. I have actually been in some type of grief for nearly three years now – as the year before he died he was being taken away – inch by inch. For much of this time I too believed that I had lost the capacity to pray – but finally realized that prayer comes in many forms – but is found most consistently in what we think. We have a thought – then we do something – we put the thought into action. Both the thought and the action are a form of prayer. For me I have had many thoughts – and many I have put down on paper. I write a lot. My thoughts – put on paper – are my form of prayer. For others it may take a different form. They may think about gardening, music, or painting. Then once your thought is put into action – both your thought and your actions are prayer. It may take the form of working the soil, listening to or creating music, or painting or just looking at a piece of art. I truly believe you have been praying – in your own way. Our thoughts become what we are. We are what we think. We pray when we think. Our thoughts are prayer – then what we do with our thoughts is the visual realization of that prayer. It all begins with a thought. So let your thoughts be positive – so that what you realize will also be positive. The kindness you show to others is a prayer – your gentle thought put into action. Remember and think beautiful thoughts of Larry – then do what ever that beautiful though is and put that thought and memory into action. Bake his favorite meal or desert – and when you eat it and share it with others remember all that he was to you and what he was to others. Do one of his favorite activities and remember how he enjoyed that same activity. For me the key is in remembering. Sometimes I remember the pain – and I have to remind myself that all our lives are filled with parts that are painful and parts that are joyful – and what we choose to remember is up to us. Therefore, when I have those painful memories and moments of excruciating sorrow over his absence I try to remember a good moment – a special thing that was unique to him. I shift my thoughts to all that he was to me. I still want him here – but I know it will have to wait. Until then I keep him in my heart and I try to let the beautiful parts of his life surface into my memory. It is not always easy – but I do believe it is prayer. I have used my writing (which is my own form of prayer) to help work myself through grief. I believe that prayer is found mostly outside the walls of religious institutions and most often, in what you think. You are the most powerful source of what is to be. If you believe you will see Larry again – then you will – there is no doubt. Your thoughts will eventually become your reality – because your thought is your prayer. You become what you think. There are two passages I would like to leave you with from the book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. That passage reads: “Your current thoughts are creating your future life. What you think about the most or focus on the most will appear as your life. Your thoughts become things.” “Praise and bless everything in the world, and you will dissolve negativity and discord and align yourself with the highest frequency – love.” You will see Larry again - I will see Jack - because we believe - and we think - and we have prayed - that we will. Therefore - it will be. I wish you love and peace. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to you all, I have not posted on here for some time – however today I just posted a reply to WaltC’s posting regarding taxes – which you can read if you like – and provides a different point of view on taxes and another observation at tax laws established by our government. Even tho I have not been posting recently I visit this site often and read the various messages of suffering and pain associated with the loss of our loved ones. I am still amazed at the deep sense of loss experienced by so many, and which is unaffected by the passage of time. I too have some days that are good and some that are filled with excruciating pain over the loss of Jack. What was once only memories of all the pain of his illness and death have been softened by some good memories that have finally reached the surface. I am now just a few months away from two years with Jack – and I miss him just as much as the day his physical presence vanished. Time has begun to soften those ruff edges – but I can still find myself in tears when I hear a familiar song or see an item in the grocery store that he loved. I have made tremendous progress that I owe in part to all of you who so graciously listened to me during those initial months – and year – of this process. I still have a wonderful core of five people who allow me to speak his name and cry when I want to. I have also lost contact with some dear friends and family who just drifted away from me. This has caused additional grief; however, there have also been new people who have entered my life. Somehow, we all manage to go on – and memories of the good life we had does sustain me. I still however feel the sting of a life cut short and a future lost. I remain committed to living a better life and fostering his memory for not only myself but those who loved him as well. My book is currently being edited and soon I will be seeking out a publisher. My goal is to have it published by the end of the year. The current title – “Finding Jack “– may or may not change. Either way I will keep you all informed as to the title and when it is published. I have also been working on an opportunity to tell my story of Jacks death - and how I survived it - by making a video presentation to the Oprah Winfrey show, which was looking for individuals who experienced a painful loss and how they found a unique and inspiring way to cope with that grief. The jury is still out as to whether I will be accepted. However, should I be so fortunate as to land a spot on her show – you all will be some of the first people I will share this news. I continue to “work this grief” and am as determined as ever to transcend this most bitter phase of my life – and bring his sprit forward with me into the remaining days of my life. It took me over a year and a half since Jacks death and the writing of my book and poems to realize a few things - and for those few things to actually sink into my heart and soul. I learned that love survives death, that nothing would ever or should ever separate me from my love for him. I found Jack in bits and pieces along the road to recovery. I found, in the way he lived his life, the building blocks for my own future. I found that because he had been here, I am different than I would have been. I would become his legacy. He travels with me now into tomorrow. He may have died but love never ends. I want each of you to know how important you have been during all these months since Jacks death – and despite the fact that I do not post as often as I have in the past – that you remain a significant part to my path to recovery. You are all special, marvelous and loving souls – that I share a common bond with – and which will last a lifetime. My best to each of you always, John Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Hello to you all, I could not resist commenting on the dialogue about taxes. I can certainly understand the financial pain that so many of you are experiencing because of the loss of your spouse (mate). Despite that Jack and I were in a committed relationship for 27 years I did not have to experience what you describe when he died – rather we had to experience it the entire time we were together and committed to each other – because we were always recognized as “single” despite our committed relationship. Moreover, there was nothing we could do about it. For all those years we paid taxes as “single men” when we were in fact as “married” as any heterosexual couple – just unrecognized by our government. Therefore, when you think about the injustice you feel due to your current increase in taxes, try to remember that it could have been even worst if your government never recognized the relationship you were in and you paid that higher tax continually throughout your marriage. My taxes remain the same – high – because the government still sees me as single – despite the reality of what Jack and I had all those years. At least you had the blessing of having your relationship recognized for the loving commitment that it was. I fail to recognize the thought process of our government and why any of us should be penalized for being single – and I also fail to recognize why my government could not see and recognize the love Jack and I had for all those years. Welcome to the world of the “singles” tax – but count among your blessings the fact that your love was legally recognized for the years you were together. My love to you all, John Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack.

KayC, It has been a long time since I have posted myself – but still think of my many friends on this site and read the postings. I have also found that regardless of how we all attempt to move forward with our lives there remains a dull and aching pain for what was lost. From everything I have read it will be with us until our own death. We learn somehow to incorporate the sadness into our lives. It has not been easy; however, I still find peace in my writing. Speaking of writing, I wrote a book. It is not yet published – but I am determined to eventually have it in print. I am currently going through the editing process – and that will be followed by finding the right place to get it published. I thought this might be a good place to give everyone an advance synopsis of the book. Following is what will probably appear on back of the book cover or any marketing flyers that may be used help sell the book. The Book is title “Finding Jack” – with the sub title “My Soft Place To Land” ______________________________________________ “Finding Jack” “My Sot Place To Land” Finding Jack takes you on a journey of two men in a 27-year committed relationship. It is a saga of not only the 10-month illness of Jack, but also the period following his death and the turmoil and grief the author endured. A brain tumor and blindness are elements of the illness, which will leave you saddened at the effect it had on Jack but marvel at his ability to cope with these disabilities and find humor and peace in spite of these affections. It is a two and a half year period of shock, despair, loss, loneliness and searching as well as remembrance, revelation, progression and hope. In addition to the story, poetry is the element that ties together each of the five chapters, and allows the reader to visit all the emotions of losing a mate. It guides the reader through an intimate look at the personal emotions and family issues associated with this type of loss. It allows the reader to see hope in spite of the tragedy of illness and death. Progression and hope are eventually found as the story concludes. It is more than a narrative on death, dying, and poetry. It is a love story, which concludes with John eventually Finding Jack. ________________________________________________ As you can see, I have been busy. Writing this book has been a remarkably cathartic experience. It has helped me heal – and has allowed me to pull together all the various pieces of this voyage that were found in so many of my writings. I now have in my hand a tangible item that I hope will not only tell the story of the last two and a half years but also help others at the same time. I anticipate having it in print by the end of the year or early 2008. The publishing world is quite an adventure. However, with a little determination I look forward to eventually creating this lasting and tangible legacy in memory of Jack. I have not meant to be such a stranger to this site. You are all very dear to me – and always will be. With love, John Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KarenH There are many good things just waiting to happen in your future – your friend is right. What a wonderful project – to write a book with your son. I truly believe that you will find great peace and comfort by putting all your positive – thankful – thoughts on paper. There is nothing more powerful than the pen – especially when used in positive adventure. My best to you always, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Walt – perfectly stated for your time and place in life. Derek – Also perfectly stated for your time and place in life. Proof – once again that everything is relative to each individual’s personal circumstances. Certainly Walt’s view should be respected given his age and the longevity of his marriage – but that’s not to say that someone under exactly the same circumstances should be judged for finding love again in life – if that choice was made. And would it not be unrealistic for anyone to expect Derek to stop living and deprive himself of companionship - and a mother figure to Carson - at the age of 37? The last thing any of our grieving hearts need would be for others to make arbitrary judgments of when - or if - we should love again. There are no rules to follow – only your heart. This is a personal matter to decide – with no right or wrong answer or direction – or time frame. What a wonderful discussion – and what kind and thoughtful individuals each of you are. Bless you all – what a caring site this is for all of us. John – Dusky is may handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, What a beautiful story - and so relevant to the type of person we would all seek in finding a new love in our lives. These type of people exist - and I wish each of us that seeks new love - the ability to love again and to find one of these special people who understands our greiving heart. Love to all. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, This is probably one of the most difficult issues faced by anyone who has lost their partner/spouse – especially if you have lost your loved one early in life so that the potential for another relationship is possible – if you want one. Some people have reached an age where - for whatever reason – they do not have this issue to deal with – and they do not seek – or have no desire to seek any further commitments in life. For the rest of us – we seek to share our lives again with a new person in our lives. For me – even before Jack died - I knew I would not want to live my life alone. However alone – would be better than together with the wrong person. It always comes down to the right person. Jack and I had talked about this when we were both healthy – more or less in a kidding fashion – and never realizing that it would be something that one of us would actually have to face. I believe there was a shared feeling that each of us would not want the other to live their life alone. I know if I had died I would have wanted Jack to find true happiness again. And yet after Jack died I have found my self wanting to have someone close to share my life with – but unsure if I could ever have the same type of strong loving feeling as I had for Jack. As much as I believe I want to love again – I sometimes question if I am ready or able to make the commitment. Sometime I feel like I am looking though a “Crystal Clear Glass Window” – I can see exactly what it is I want – I can sense it – I can feel it – but when I reach out to touch it – there is that piece of glass between me and what I seem to want and desire. I can see it all – but am I capable of the emotions to make it real.? I purposely surround myself with individuals that understand my grief – and all that it entails. I am honest and open to those who enter my life. And those who have lasted in my life are those – without exception – who are individuals that understand the intense conflicts and feelings that grief causes in ones hearts and mind. Any person who stays in my life - and any potential “new person” - will most certainly be someone who does not fear the love that I will always have for the man that was in my life for 27 years. And so the bar has been set high – and that is as it should be – at least it is for me. I feel I have enough love in me to maintain a lost love - and love again in the “hear and now”. I plan to never forget the love I had – but also to never forget that I want it again – in some fashion – repeated. The trick is in finding that special person that understands this entire – and complex voyage. And some of that trick is in finding that same special person that once existed in side myself – and allowing him to surface. And then to follow what I see so clearly through that “Crystal Clear Glass Window”. I’m not sure what I am capable of emotionally – despite what my mind tells me. It is sometimes difficult for the mind to divorce the overwhelming feeling of the past. I believe it is a slow and evolving process that comes in bits and pieces – it’s much like grief itself – ebbing and flowing – forward and back. I believe the reality for me is that I no longer want to replace what was so special between Jack and I. Jack is simply irreplaceable to me – a mold broken and not to be replicated. But that does not mean I can’t have something as special – but different. Finding something different – but also special – is a difficult mission – but possible when the heart is ready to seek it. If it is anything like the last time – it will happen when it happens and – when it is least expected. But I am also prepared to live my life – alone – if necessary – and surrounded by good friends and companions – as there would be nothing worse than attaching myself and my life to the wrong person. So I remain cautious – and at the same time optimistic – that life will unfold as it should – and if I am meant to experience the wonders of a loving relationship again – then the “Crystal Clean Glass Window” will vanish - and I will be able to touch – what I see so clearly in my mind. These are my experiences – my hopes and my desires – for the future. My best to you – and everyone on this web site – always. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Janie, what a beautiful tribute to Michael. The internet and modern technology has provided us all a beautiful way to help us memoralize our loved ones - and you did a spectacular job. A sweet and loving memorial. Much Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello my dear friends, Every once in awhile I read a book that is worth my telling you about. As you know I read a lot. I am currently reading a book (about 1/3 the way through right now – entitled ‘the Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo. It is set up so that you can read a day’s message at a time – but I just read a few days at a time. Last night I ran across two dates May 8th – pages 153 –154 and May 10th – pages 155-156. The title of each of these days’ messages was “The issue of Fairness” and “The Edge of Center” - respectively. It struck a cord with me – and it was so good I am going to re-type it here for each of you. Each day comes with a Title, an opening thought – the message – and then some closing thoughts. So here goes: May 8 “The Issue of Fairness” As long as we see what has come to pass as being unfair, we’ll be prisoners of what might have been. This is a very painful issue to discuss for most of us, because so much of how we see the world hinges on a sense of fairness and justice, those truly noble human concepts that govern how we treat each other. But the laws of experience in the natural world, in which we have no choice but to live, do not work this way. Rather, the larger Universe, of which humankind is a small part, is a world of endless possibility and endless cycle, a world in which life forms come and go, a world itself that has erupted and transformed countless times. This is why the Hindu tradition has a deity known as Vishnu, who both destroys and bestows life, often in that order. Although fairness and justice are beautiful gravities by which we as human creatures try to live with one another, the storm and the germ, the termites eating the foundation of your home, the errant stone breaking your windshield, the wave swamping your little boat – these molecules of experience do not understand what is fair. They just bombard us in the endless cosmic dance of life that just keeps happening. When I was struggling with cancer, I was asked repeatedly to release my anger at the injustice of having cancer. Quite honestly, I felt a great many things – fear, pain, anxiety, frustration, uncertainty, exhaustion – but I did not feel that having cancer was unjust. When was I or anyone promised perfect health? An ant can struggle for yards with food in its mouth only to have a dead limb tired of hanging on crush it. What makes human beings presume to be exempt from such things? I know now that, over the years, my own cries that life is unfair have come, while understandable, have always diverted me from feeling my way through the pain of my breakage into the re-formation of my life. Somehow, crying “Unfair” has always kept me stuck in what hurts. I offer what has surprised me in my pain: that life is not fair, but unending in its capacity to change us; that compassion is fair and feeling is just; and that we are not responsible for all that befalls us, only for how we receive it and for how we hold each other up along the way. · Sit outside, if possible, and watch the pollen carried on the wind. Meditate on how some of the pollen grains will become flowers, and how those flowers will wilt and seed other flowers yet to be. · Meditate on how the human drama with all its unknown turn of events unfolds much in the same way. · Breathe deeply and look at the many dreams and mistakes and joys and pains of your life as pollen on a larger wind. Some will grow. Some will not. · Do not deny your pain in experiencing life, but try not to heighten the hurt by labeling it tragic or unfair. · Try to hold the pain of your changes with compassion rather than with justice. May 10 “The Edge of Center” All tempest has, Like a navel, A hole in it’s middle, Through which A gull can fly, In silence. Fourteen-Century Japanese, Anonymous From across the centuries, this nameless voice tells us that at the heart of all struggle there is a peaceful enduring center, if we can only reach it. All the wisdom traditions affirm this. Still, a deeper paradox of life is carried here. For the gull flies through the peaceful center; it does not live there. The work, it seems, for us is to draw sustenance from the central, eternal space without denying the existence of the storm. Repeatedly, we are thrown into the storm and into the center. When in the storm, we are exacerbated by our humanness. When in the center, we are relieved by our spiritual place in the Oneness of things. So to find the center and spread our battered wings is to feel the God within. Our constant struggle is in living both sides of this paradox. For we cannot get to the center without going through the storm that surrounds it. Yet the storm of human experience can only be endured by knowing that the gull knows. The storm can only be survived from the center and back – there you’ll find the trials and gifts of love. · Close your eyes and let your inhalation call the gull of your spirit to your center. · Inhale deeply and let your breath call the gull home through your center to the center of All. · Exhale deeply and feel the edge of the storm and the edge of the center. · Know that your breath is the edge. Let me leave you with a verse from the song “White Flag” by Dido – which speaks to the type of determination I feel to look beyond the “unfairness” of it all and try to find compassion – which speaks to the type of determination I have to realize that the storm can only be survived from “the center and back”. The song verse reads: I will go down with this ship And I won’t but my hands up in surrender There will be no white flag above my door I (was) in love and always will be I hope you find these passages useful. If you did – the book is full of many many more thought provoking writings. My love to each of you. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Jenno, Its a very persoanl matter making a decision to stop wearing rings that symbolised your union. The rings we shared are still part of me at this point - much like Derek - mine on my finger and Jacks around my neck. Perhaps some day I will have a wonderful thought and know just what to do with them both - until then they remain as is. Something similar to that occured to me a few dayas ago with all the pillows and blankets that Jack had died on. They had been in my bedroom (in a corner) for the last 16 months - I did not have the heart to do anything with them. Then suddenly I was at a store and saw a beautiful Antique looking Trunk. I bought it and now these items are still in the bedroom - but inside a beautiful - now keepsake - trunk. Perhaps our rings have some kind of similar journey - when the time is right. You just know when its right when it comes from your heart. Love to you - and all the wonderful people on this site, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello again to all my friends on this site. Recently I mailed out my Christmas letter to all my friends and family – and I will soon do the same to all my e-mail friends. I wanted to share my letter with you as well – you have all been so supportive to me over the past 16 months since Jacks death. As usual my writing is one filled with Love and - a message. Following is my Christmas Letter – “A Correspondence of Love” and a message to “Live A life That Matters”. A copy for all of you – my dear sweet web site friends. _______________________________________________________________________________ “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” – Helen Keller “It is only with the heart that one can see properly; what is essential is invisible to the eye” – Antoine DeSaint-Exupery “Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day…. Day by day, what you do is who you become” – Heraclitus Christmas 2006 You are about to read a most unusual Christmas letter. It is long – but packed full of the meaning of life and the essence of what Christmas should mean to all of us. Jack has been gone from my life – and yours – for nearly a year and a half now. It has been difficult to live life with out him by my side – but it is also encouraging to realize that he lives on - for me and those who loved him - witnessed daily by those who remember the essence of who he was and how he lived his life. Following is an e-mail exchange I had with Jacks family in early October 2006. It reflects the spirit of “The Jack” we witnessed during the years that he graced our presence - as well as the heart ache of knowing he is no longer physically with us. As you read these words I hope you will feel the love that still exists for Jack – and the love that I wish for each of you during this Holiday season. During this season of Love – I would like to present to you the following “Correspondence of Love” – plus another message – at the end - to “Live A Life That Matters”. The Correspondence begins with an e-mail from Jacks Daughter-in-law to me recalling “the Clock” that Jack and I gave to Madison (Jacks Granddaughter) 5 years ago - and a realization of how Jacks new Granddaughter Mia (Who Jack never met) – now enjoys “the Clock” even more than Madison ever did. His life continues to be remembered - through those who loved him so dearly – and miss him so much. My Message To You “The Correspondence of Love” ___________________________________________________________ John, Both Tom & I think you would enjoy these pics. We both feel Mia loves the clock you guys gave to Madison more than Madison ever did at this age! I know that is hard to believe, but she crawls or walks to the wall where the clock is and tells us to “start it again”! Hopefully, you can see how happy the clock really makes her. Enjoy, Karrin _____________________________________________________________ Tom and Karrin, These pictures were delightful - Mia has certainly grown and appears to be totally enthralled with the clock. I still remember how thrilled and excited Jack was when we were in the process of buying that clock for Madison. He always wanted her to have all those extra little gifts - that would probably be considered "frills" - but were so important to him. I can still recall that one of Jacks first reactions to his deadly cancer was his saying "I wanted so much to be here to watch Madison grow up - and now I won't". They had just told him he had 6-8 weeks to live without an operation and 12 - 18 months with an operation. His words still greatly affect my own desires - to in some way "see" what he never will - on his behalf. How ironic - that even had he lived he still would not have actually been able to "see" his grandchildren grow - but only hear their lives unfold. I know I should be grateful for the 27 wonderful years I had with your Father - but sometimes the pain of knowing what he is missing is almost too unbearable for me to imagine. It's the missed future that most greatly affects my recovery from his death. I look at these pictures and see pieces of your Father - in those eyes and those hands and those arms and that nose and smile - and I'm speaking of You Tom - and then I see the same reflections in Mia - what a beautiful duplication. I was "Your Fathers eyes" for 10 months when he was dying - and now that he is gone I still find myself trying to "see for him" - and try to "imagine his joy" at what these pictures reflect. If you look close enough into my eyes - someday you will see your Fathers joyful eyes reflected back at you - in all that I am trying to absorb through pictures such as these. Your distance makes this more difficult for me - but not impossible - thanks to all this wonderful technology and the Internet. Keep the pictures coming - they do in fact help me heal. Remind them often - of the wonderful person that he was. Miss you. Love, John ____________________________________________________________ John, Mia loves the clock so much It’s just amazing. Madison loved it too but Mia just takes it to another level. She points at it all the time. When it chimes on the hour she does her little dance. She will come up to you and point to the clock like - “let’s go make it play”. It’s one of those things we were talking about the other day. It’s something to remember the both of you by - without having to say a word. Madison knows who got that for her - and she gets joy out of watching Mia play with the clock she got from her Papas. Love, Tom _________________________________________________________ Tom, You made me cry - in a good way - and for many reasons. I can't tell you how much I miss your Father. Love, John ___________________________________________________________ John, It just sucks. It’s one of those things where you can afford to have basically anything you want but the things you really want - money can’t buy or bring back. It makes you treasure the little things that were purchased or handed down that put a time or reference point with a memory. Like the clock - that was Christmas Eve at your house. Something you really don’t appreciate as much until a catastrophic event happens in everybody’s life. To see the joy in his face Christmas Eve when he was talking about the clock and explaining the engraving on the back. Then you realize how special that clock is. Love, Tom _______________________________________________________ Tom, Yes - it sure does suck. And I wish I were more able to live my life the way your Father lived his - that "in the moment" flare - he had. Somehow I think he would have been able to come to terms with my death and move forward a little easier - he adjusted so well to change - something I have always struggled with. It warms my heart to hear about how Madison remembers her Papa Jack - and how the potential is there for Mia to begin to know him through what is now shared with her. The best gift you could ever give me - will be for you to recall that Christmas Eve (and the clock) and your Fathers description of the Clock and it’s engraving - to your children as they grow. These type of intangible gifts are the only ones my heart desires. So many stories of his life - and the special character that he was - exist in our minds and hearts - and I hope some day to hear many of these stories about him - from their lips. Thank you Tom - this is the first time - in a long time - where I have a very hopeful feeling that your Father will truly live again - through Madison, Mia and you. I see you remember the "joy on his Face" as well. For many of my days it is this type of remembrance "his smiling face" that allows me to make it through the day. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to learn to enjoy life the way he did - so easily - so simply - so honestly - so ever present - so adequately defined by the "joy on his face". Did you know that he told one of his customers sometime during the last two weeks of his working - He said to her - "You know I'm 99.9 percent happy with my life." I'm not sure what they were talking about - but for any one to make that type of comment - and to be that happy with their life is a truly amazing statement. How many people do you know that can label such a high percentage of happiness to their life? Personally I know of none. He was the most remarkable person I have ever known. I not only loved him - but I admired him in many many ways. The biggest compliment someone can pay me - is when he or she tells me that they see a piece of your Father in me. I am honored to know that sometimes I reflect - who he was. We grew together in many ways and like any couple you begin to take on pieces of the other. Some day I hope I can say I am 99.9 percent happy with my life (as he did) - a daunting task without his physical presence. I miss him - and I miss you too. Love you, Keep smiling - your "Fathers smile". John ____________________________________________________________ John, I didn’t know about the 99.9% happiness in his life. All the high maintenance kidding I gave him was just a miss understanding of the simplicity that he loved. When you think about it, he had everything to be happy about and it was quite simple and down to earth. A business, which he loved, his Cadillac, and most importantly friends and family to share his life with. He wasn’t one who needed to go out on the town or take a trip around the world, just a little at home time and he was completely happy. To think about all the teasing I gave him regarding the couple days at home after a vacation - I guess the at home days is what made him 99.9% happy. It’s just too bad you really don’t take the time to analyze why people do what they did until it’s too late. I remember saying “lets all go to Disneyland” and it would go in one ear and out the other, but now I realize he was happier with all of us sitting by the pool and eating popcorn. It’s kind of simple and not high maintenance at all. Interesting Love, Tom _____________________________________________________ Tom, Much more simple - and much less high maintenance than we all realized. Despite the fact that I would kid him about being like Dolly - with that "Dolly Finger" - your Father was so much more like your Grandfather - a fact I wish I had expressed to him much more. I don't have to go too far to analyze why people do what they do until its too late as grief has a way of becoming its own self-analysis - and I have done a lot of that. Thank God he had a few faults of his own - which when remembered allows me to more gently forgive my self for my own shortcomings and times when I was not so sweet. I imagine it's the human condition to live most of our lives with "blinders on" - failing to recognize the simplicity of "some pool side conversation and a bag of popcorn". Simple - and certainly not high maintenance. Your Grandfather exhibited some of these same fine qualities - You have before you the essence of life lived out miraculously well by two fine individuals in your life. If you remember correctly it was the core of the Eulogy to your Father which addressed mostly the "Good Man he was" - and - "Living in the Moment" - and - "Love" - exemplified quite simply - by sitting by the pool and eating popcorn. Your Father appeared to be a very complex man - but at closer observation - he was in reality a simple man - with a crystal clear agenda - and he possessed the key to a happy life in how simply he really lead that life. You learn a lot - from what you failed to see. But I guess the important thing is - that you eventually see it. We search and search for happiness in life - and yet he knew just where to find it and how to get there - and without a struggle. I guess the old saying is true "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line". How simple. How very "popcorn" of him. How funny that the meaning of life would be so simple - and that it would not be fully recognized until the messenger can't be seen or heard. Your Father left us all a most powerful message - I hope I am man enough to follow it - I hope you are too. What a legacy has been placed at our doorstep. Love you Tom, John _________________________________________________________ “Live A Life That Matters” (By Michael Josephson) Ready or not, Someday it will come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, No minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, Whether treasured or forgotten, Will pass to someone else. Your wealth, Fame and temporal power Will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned Or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, And jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, And to-do lists will expire. The wins and loses That once seemed so important Will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, Or on what side of the tracks you lived, At the end. It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color and sexual preference will be irrelevant. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What will matter is not what you bought, But what you built; Not what you got, But what you gave. What will matter is not what you learned, But what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, Compassion, Courage or sacrifice that enriched, Empowered or encouraged others To emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, But your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, But how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone. What will matter is not your memories, But the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, By whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident, It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters. Jack certainly did (The attached picture of Jack appeared here - see attachment) I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Love John “I Love You Jack” _______________________________________________________________________________ Merry Christmas to all of you. John – Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Hello to all my fellow grieving friends on this site, So often this time of year is so painful to endure. I wanted to share something positive that happened to me just before Thanksgiving that occurred while I was visiting a friend of mine and Jacks. It was the Monday before Thanksgiving and as I sat there visiting with my friend Brenda she told me that Jack had once told her “I’m your soft place to land”. These words touched me and I knew that she was one of so many people whom Jack provided a “soft place to land”. He was in so many ways that “place” for me for so many years. On Thanksgiving morning I wrote the following letter to Brenda – thanking her for the wonderful visit – and – for inspiring a poem I wrote on Thanksgiving morning. What follows is my letter to Brenda – and then the poem – dedicated to that “soft place to land “ that Jack provided to so many. Here is the letter – and then the poem: An Early Christmas Gift For You – Inspired By Our Recent Visit Together “I’m Your Soft Place To Land” My Dear Brenda, When I recently visited with you – during our conversation you recalled to me how Jack said to you “I’m Your Soft Place To Land”. I can’t tell you how these words moved me and reminded me how he was not only your “Soft Place To Land” – but how he provided that same warm and gentle place “to land” for so many in his life – including me. I was the lucky recipient of “double doses” of this “Soft Place” - and I am so grateful for having had him in my life and for having the privilege of being able to live with him and calling him my Life Mate for 27 years. I was indeed blessed. I knew as soon as you recanted this story to me that there needed to be some expression of this special facet of his personality - memorialized for others to share – the story of the “Soft Place To Land”. I know what he meant to you - not only as a human being and as a friend - but also as that special person who provided you a refuse from all life’s difficult periods. That sweet and gentle loving man touched so many. And so as we begin this Christmas Season I wanted you to have not only this letter expressing my gratitude for sharing the “Soft Landing” story with me – but also for you to know that it inspirited the attached poem - which I wrote because of what you told me about My Dear Jack – Your Dear Jack. May you always know that he can still provide you that same “Soft Place To Land” by simply remembering the essence of who he was. Remembering brings him back to us. He still provides that “Soft Place To Land” – by how we live our lives and how we provide that same warm “Soft Landing Place” to others. I am here for you always – just like Jack was - if you ever need another gentle runway on which to land. Please accept the additional copies of this poem to share with Jacks customers – many of whom also experienced that special “Soft Place” each week on their Adventure to Jacks Special Space – and time wrapped in his heart. With Love – Lots Lots, Jack’s - John Boy Merry Christmas – My Brenda “He Was My Soft Place To Land” I still remember I still know Where my eyes first saw his glow I still see the distant land Where I first saw that sweet man I still recall the hair of gold How it parted - how it glowed I still see those eyes so brown How they turned my heart around (Refrain) “He was my soft place to land” That sweet and gentle loving man I’m not the only one to know All the gifts he had to show He showered them on many more So much love he had to pour He gave gifts of time and chat For each heart that needed that Recipes for life he scattered Showing each what really mattered Providing sage right from the heart So popular right from the start Always there to listen too The strength of what he was to you (Refrain) “He was your soft place to land” That sweet and gentle loving man And so I shared my gift of him With each and every one he trimmed With all the ladies that he cared for And that he was always there for He held each one of you like gold Sharing recipes of old Weaving tales rich and wild As he did your hair in style (Refrain) “He was your soft place to land” That sweet and gentle loving man I still miss him by my side He was my life’s gentle ride What he always gave to you Was also – always mine – times two I still see the distant land Where I first saw that sweet man I still see those eyes so brown How they turned my heart around (Refrain) “He was my soft place to land” That sweet and gentle loving man I wish you all a peaceful and blessed Christmas – in memory of your loved ones who I am sure - provided each of you - “Your Soft Place To Land” Love, John – Dusky is my handle on here I love you Jack

Derek, Carson is most certainly a reflection of the man who is raising him - so very well. As the old saying goes - and in a very good way - "The apple does not fall to far from the tree". You are raising a kind and warm hearted person who continues to reflect all the kind and loving things that you have taught him and I'm sure that Karen taught him as well - in the past. She would be so pround of her son and how well you are raising him. Kodo's Daddy! Great story. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, Such a beautiful message - from a man with a warm and loving heart. You and Karen were lucky to have had each other for the years you were able to share - and now you will carry her spirt with you into a new future. Somehow time softens the grief we carry just a little bit - and eventually we begin to focus on the wonders that our loved ones gave to us when they were with us. None of this is easy - I still stuggle every day - but at least time has now allowed me to smile and remember - with gratitude - all the sweet parts of the years shared. Our loved ones live within us forever - what a wonderful legacy each of them has left with us. My best to you and Carson - always Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Grace, I am indeed in the grief room - and read so many of the posts. Although I do not post as often as I used to - I still consider all of you my dear and special freinds. I too attended the Hospice of the Valley Light up a Life Ceremony in Phoenix - What a special evening this was. Thank you for remembering Jack from the picture I had submitted on line. It seems that my zeal to remember him - and have those close to him remember him as well - has become my lifes work. All this and still trying to reshape a new life of my own - quite a task. So - we all try to remember our lost loved ones. Life is after all pretty much like the closing lines of the essay by Michael Josephson entitled "Live a Life That Matters" - where he said in closing of his essay - in the end " What will matter is not how many people you knew, But how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, But the memories that live on in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remebered, By whom and for what." I continue to foster Jacks legacy every day - by deed and action. I know you are all trying to do the same for your loved ones. The best gift we can give them - is to remember them and all they were to us. Congratulations to Hospice of the Valley - They are all angels living among us. Love John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Kayc, I will be thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping that some good fortune will grace your life. You and I are on just about the same time line with our greif - and your struggle has been made more difficult by the loss of your job. So many of us are pulling for you - perhaps all our positive thoughts and prayers will make the difference as you approach these upcoming interviews. We are all with you - just as much as if we were sitting right beside you. Take care my dear freind, John - Dusky is may handle on here Love you Jack