Dusky

Gail R, I hope the book will be released in about 3-4 weeks. I will let all my dear friends on this site know more details when I have more specifics. I'll also have a web site for the book - and will share that as well in a few weeks. I hope that both the book and web site can help others who have lost their loved one. Please take care, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Gail R, The first year of firsts is so very difficult. For me it has been nearly two and a half years and I can still remember the pain of that first anniversary of Jack's death. I know how you keep waiting for something to change and wishing for dreams to be the reality of life rather than the disappointment they can sometimes be realized when you finally wake. I thought perhaps I would share a passage from my book that will be release soon – that deals with what I felt at the one-year anniversary. I hope you find some comfort in what is below – if only to know that others have been there and understand this pain. Here is what I wrote": “Every book or article I had read about grieving said that on the first anniversary of a loved one’s death, the worst part of the grieving process is over. But on August 1, 2006, the first day of my second year without Jack, I was in just as much pain as I was one year earlier! I had begun to heal, so I expected I would start to feel better. I scolded myself: The first year is over, and now the only thing I have to look forward to is a year of “seconds.” Do I really expect to be able go on as I had when Jack was at my side? I was in danger of losing hope again. And hope is a terrible thing to lose. I knew this, as I’d already lost and found it several times over the previous months, beginning with Jack’s diagnosis in October 2004. And hope was not only lost, it was dashed, forgotten, and abandoned, because terminal cancer has a way of eating away not only the flesh of its victims, but also the hearts and souls of their loved ones. So much is hoped, wished, and prayed for, that when death finally claims the one you love, you don’t have any hope left; it takes super human efforts by your heart and soul, and months of grieving to restore it. I am thankful I had my strong core of support and other dear friends to help me.” Peace and love to you on this difficult day. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

PattyAnn, This “easier as time” passes thing is probably true, however for me I was unable to recognize until years had passed that those rough edges of pain had softened. Even at 2 and a half years I still miss so much about Jack. Mostly I miss the lost future - and that creates a great deal of pain. Eventually pain subsides but it does not leave – we become more adapt at recognizing the faces of the pain and in a strange way we set a place at our table for this “thing” we never invited into our lives. It’s a strange thing – this grief – we have to pass through. Never give up hope – you will find more peace as time passes. John - Dusky is my handle on here, Love you Jack

KayC, I was so sorry to hear about your medical problems. Please take care of your self and know that you are being mentally visited from this spot in Arizona. Let us know how you are doing - we're all concerned - I am sure. Love and peace and good health to you, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Marcelloboy, Actually, I found some of the answers you seek in a post that you provided to us all back in November of 2007. At that time, you were describing how difficult it was to start a new relationship after losing your mate. Following is one of the points you made at the time – you said: "In basic terms, Melanie is in love with me and enthusiastic about creating a life together, complete with a whole new world of experiences and memories. I, on the other hand, as much as I love her and want to develop this new bond, have a huge set of memories from my lost relationship. I'm still letting go of these, and it may take a long, long time to get to where I really have the space to fully appreciate some of the new stuff with Melanie. Even though she's a trained Nurse Practitioner, and understanding of my feelings, it's difficult for her sometimes that we're in such different places emotionally." I was touched by how well you stated exactly what was happening in my own life at that time. I have bee attempting to foster a new relationship and have found that it is very difficult – and the difficulty comes because as you said “I have a huge set of memories from my lost relationship. I’m still letting go of these, and it may take a long, long time to get to where I really have the space to fully appreciate some of the new stuff with Melanie.” For me that crystallized in just a few sentences what was happening in my life at that time. As patient as the person was that wanted MORE from me I was unable to provide all that he wanted as quickly as he wanted it. I’m still in that long, long process of categorizing and gently finding the proper places to that huge set of memories that you referred to in your November posting. It is not easy for us that are grieving – and I am sure that it is equally as difficult for anyone who is trying to touch or enter our lives at this time. I feel bad that my pain has affected another person, but at the same time, I have to be true to my core feelings. For me the reality is that as much as I may want to somehow repeat all the beauty of my past relationship I also realize the reality of how difficult it is to recapture. All I can provide the process is time – with the hope that I can work through the pain and others will be patient with me. When my Jack die the person I was died with him. It is not an overnight process to re-find and re-define who I am – and that in reality is what I have to do. It is what we all have to do. Creation takes time – and Repair may take even longer. What we all are faced with is a combination of two things - we want to create something new – but before we can we have to repair the means to create. It is as if we are a sculptor – who has sculpted his entire life. Suddenly he has an accident and his hands are broken – every finger crushed. He must wait for his hands to heal before he can sculpt again. He may struggle for years to regain the skills he lost – the bones heal differently – the fingers move again but at a different angle - because of the break. Eventually he will produce magnificent pieces of art again but how he reaches the point where he is able to re-create again will be a painful journey. Moreover, the pieces of art he creates in this period of healing may not be his best work – but they are still his work and the best he has to offer at that time. His heart is in every piece he creates – and he continues to strive and reconnect with his talent that still lies within the tips of his fingers. We are all - this sculptor - trying to bring our lost skills back. Moreover, the pieces we produce on the journey back may very well be the ones that in the end have the greatest definition and color than the perfect ones we used to produce or that may come again when the pain has lessened. The question is – whom that touches our life’s now that we are on this journey of recovery – is able to see us to the mountaintop? My experience has been – so far – that many people say that they understand this journey but the reality is that few can understand the difficult of walking in these shoes. Few are capable of seeing the story to its logical conclusion – to reach the mountaintop and see what is on the other side – with me. It will take a special soul to be able to watch this sculptor struggle to regain his talents. Still I have hope – that there is another person as fine as my Jack – and who will eventually walk with me and work with me to redefine and re-find who I am. It is also true that some of this journey is one that must be traveled alone – and perhaps it is in this “alone period” we sometimes find ourselves and creates difficulty for those wanting to be close to us. In the meantime, I keep all those who want to be close to me close – I do not send anyone away and only ask for patience. I try to explain that my story is still unfolding – that I am a work in progress. In addition, for those who are having a difficult time understanding what I am trying to describe I offer the following story: Years ago, I bought Jack a small plaque with a saying on it. It was at a time when I was having a difficult time adjusting to some of Jack’s sometimes quirky personality traits, and being the compromising personality that I was I put the blame on me and gave this plaque to him. Somehow, it helped. We worked on it. We developed over the years and grew into something very special and unique. We became what many called “a real item.” I became more like him and he more like me. We blended into one. Much has changed since that day in 1979 when I gave Jack that plaque. However, what it said and what it meant still have meaning today to all of us as one human being to another. The words are simple – the meaning profound - the message clear. That plaque said: “Please be patient … God isn’t finished with me yet.” The sculptors work continues – and I trust and pray that so many who have touch my life in a close and caring way will stay with me – because I am still climbing that mountain – I am still mending the sculptors broken fingers. I am very grateful for everything that so many have done for me – and they well always hold a special place in my heart. However, I must also be true to my self – and remind everyone to …. “Please be patient … God isn’t finished with me yet.” I hope all these words help – Love and peace to you, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Coming back in and actually posting something has been like visiting an old friend after not seeing the person for a while. You are all so special to me. The book is so close to being published - and I can't wait to share all the detail as to how you can find it to read. The web site will also be a very healing experience for you to experience. I will share it all with you soon. Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

MartyT, I just finished watching the video that you mentioned in your message. How beautiful - it touches so many of the feelings that we all experience following the loss of a loved one. Thank you for sharing this with us all. Derek, Wow - such a great video - there is wonderful help out there for you and Carson. I have been reading messages but not active in posting myself for some time - but returning slowly now that my book is nearing completion. I have noted that you have continued to provide wonderful support to others on this site. I wish the best to you and Carson. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to each of you, Welcome to each of you who may be new to this site and who I many have not had the opportunity to connect with in the past. I have a history here - but have been absent from active participation for a few months. For those of you who do not know me my name is John and I lost my partner Jack to a brain tumor nearly 2 and a half years ago following a 10 moth illness. I have been absent from posting for a while - and here is the reason ....... Although I have not been contributing to this site for a while - I always read the posts that have been made here. There is a reason why I have been absent. The book I have written is almost ready to be published and this has taken up a great deal of my time. When I get closer to the actual publication date, I will share some information with all of you as well as a web site about the book. You have all become dear friends to me and I hope that the words contained within the book I have written give each of you peace and comfort. It is not my intent to make money because of my writing this book – and I am not asking you to purchase my book. Any library – if requested should be willing to get a copy – and then you can check it out free of charge. None of this has ever been about money. It's always been about healing. I would never want to come across to you as if I was soliciting. I seek no profits from the words I have written. My book helped me heal – and I am hoping that it will resonate with you as well. This has been an incredible journey to see this project through to completion – and it is a major reason why I have not been in contact with each of you as much as I have been at other times. However, it is almost complete – and soon you will be able to access the book entitled “Finding My Banana Bread Man – A Journey Through Mourning” through the publisher or your local library. My web site is also almost in place. More details will follow – my dear friends – and until then I will continue to read your posts and hope to begin “jumping in” more often. Love and peace to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WendyJ, I used to wear all my jewelry almost every day. Since Jack died I have a tendency to wear it sometimes. When I do wear the rings I also wear a chain with some metals around my neck. On that chain is Jacks ring. I have no plans to ever stop wearing that chain with his ring. Its been 2 and a half years since I lost him. He was part of my life for 27 years. Personally I see no reason to disconnect from this piece of my past. As for other items in the house - I have always been the kind of person to have keepsakes around the house - both Jack and I were the same way with these types of items. I see no reason to toss things out just because he died. They remind me of him - and I love to be reminded of all he was to me. I have been reading all the posts during the last few months - but very busy finishing yup the book I have written. I apologize for not staying more connected. You all mean the world to me. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Dear DoubleJo, I read most every message that comes through this section of the web site. I see that you have been without your partner now for 5 years and there are still events and moments in time, that greatly effect your life – and brings back feelings of sorrow. I am only into this voyage a short 2 years in comparison to you, but I too know that this indeed is a lifetime journey that lies ahead. Your message tonight confirms this fact. Each day that passes are still filled with small reminders that our loved ones are gone. Small things recognized as something special just to us – a favorite food at the grocery store - that special song on the radio - a familiar phrase or way of communicating echoed by someone else that was our loved ones special way of saying something. Each day there are small things that whisper a reminder to us that they are gone. Then there are those significant events – like the payoff of a mortgage – and the reminder becomes something much louder than a whisper. It is a blaring reminder that they are gone. Whether a whispered reminder or a blaring reminder that they are gone – I like to also believe - that in these reminders (whether whispered or blaring) - are also sweet memories of who they were and what they meant to us. Although we still cry at the reminders of what has been lost, we also are grateful for the time they gave to us. Although the pain never goes away – thank God for the sweet memories that also remain. Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello all my web site friends, Sometimes you believe – or perhaps you hope - that as time passes form the date your loved one died - or became ill - that somehow you will not remember with as much pain as when it first occurred. I can remember thinking when the anniversary of my first year without Jack rolled around that the second would find me counting less the anniversaries and missed holidays without him. That has never been the case and now I find myself marking the third holidays and special times without him. I write to you all today because this is one of “those dates” for me. It was three years ago, today, that Jack and I found out early on that Saturday morning that he had a “mass on the right side of his brain”. By late after noon Dr. Fredrick Marciano was the messenger who delivered a life altering message to Jack and I. Dr. Marciano is the same famous Doctor who just 4 years ago had operated on Jessica Lynch, the female US Army soldier who had been captured by Iraqi troops and then freed by US soldiers. He had miraculously put her leg back together and helped save her life. The news was not so good for Jack and I when we met this famous Doctor on the afternoon of October 2nd 2004 as he greeted us with little introduction and a blunt and morbid statement “you have a GBM level 4 brain tumor - you will live 6-8 weeks without surgery - and 12-18 months with surgery.” That is the kind of news that divides your life in two separate segments. From that moment forward, everything was measured as before and after that point in time – and it still is for me. It has now been three years since this event – this diagnosis - which divided time for Jack and I and 10 months later led to his death. I have done remarkable well in trying to find something positive to glean from this terrible event, which was ushered into our lives three years ago today. However, after all this time I still stop to reflect and mark the moment that changed our lives forever. I can’t imagine ever not stopping to recognize the moment that changed life entirely. I was recently reminded how much life has changed for me – and I’m sure has change for each of you since the loss of your mate – when I watch the current movie entitled “The Brave One” with Jodi Foster. In this movie, she has lost her lover and future husband in a violent street attack, which also nearly kills her. The story is about her becoming a vigilantly because of her loss. There was one line in the move (which I will paraphrase here for you here) which exemplifies what grief does to you when you lose the one you love so deeply. She said at one point in this movie “I miss what I was with him – and all that’s left is this stranger to go on”. I know I have made a great deal of progress since that October day three years ago when my life was divided in two - and Jack’s was destined to end with that same news. I know too that each of you struggles daily with how difficult it is to lose your true love. I come on this site and read daily – but don’t always respond – but I see, hear and feel all the pain in each word that each of you has written since I joined this site nearly two years ago. I have seen so much progress in so many of you as well as myself along the way. I am so very proud of each one of you. Yet – when certain dates and times arrive – such as this date and this moment - I cannot help but stop and remember what was and how life changed. Pardon me - for just a moment – to stop and recollect - how much I miss what I was with him and to remember the stranger that was left to go on. Thank you for listening – you have all helped “this stranger” go on. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, You have the strength of a lion. You have proven this repeatedly with your beautiful messages to others on this site. Carson is yours and Karen’s son –your little “lions cub” - so he too must be a very strong individual. You will survive this. I helped raise Jacks son – so I am sort of a pseudo father. All I can say is that from what I have seen on this site and how you have always interacted beautifully with your son you certainly seem to have a wonderful handle on knowing just what to do, when to do it, and what course of action to take as you raise this young spirit. I know with Jacks son - I saw Jack interact with his son constantly - always keeping the lines of communication open. Young people sometimes give us the impression that they are not hearing what we say – but my experience with young minds is that despite the fact that they want you to believe they do not hear your words of wisdom and concern, that the reality of the situation is that they do. Keep communicating with him – it’s the best medicine. My hunch is that soon the “lions cub” with hear his father. You are a good man – and as the old saying goes – “the apple does not fall too far from the tree” – so these problems will eventually be resolved. My best to you always. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to you all, I've just been reading some of the messages on this thread. When Jack died - about a year after his death - I had a quilt made out of some of his shirts. Luckily my sister is a marvelous seamstress - and she performed all the work on this masterpiece. It is a large quilt - which I keep displayed in my living room on top of a large chest that contains the blankets and sheets that jack died on as well as some loving memories of Jack. Eventually when I am gone - the quilt will be passed on to Jacks granddaughter Madison - who will be able to have it as a memory of her Papa Jack. Many of the shirts that are contained in this quilt are the same ones that Jack wore as he held Madison in his arms as a young child - and hopefully - in years to come - she will realize the meaning of these shirts and that they once touched the man she knew as her Papa Jack - and who loved her so much. I am sure if you google "memorial quilt" you could find someone who makes such a quilt out of your loved ones shirts. If I remember correctly there is one in New York City. Memorial quilts are quite the "up and coming" activity to help remember lost loved ones. I am sure there are individuals and companies who now specialize in this. I was lucky - as I had a built in seamstress in my family - but I know you can get this done. Love to you all, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to each of you, I noticed the discussion of “After Death Communication” and the reference to hummingbirds. This struck a real cord with me and I have something to share with you all in reference to this subject. Some of you – who have been members for two years, will probably see this as a repeat. Howeve,r there are so many new members I will re-submit a “hummingbird” story that actually happened to me just 7 months after Jack had died. Following is the story of the “After Death Communication” – the humming bird that carried the communication – and the poem I wrote following this encounter. Here it is: A Hummingbird - He “Held Me In His Arms” Today Today I asked these questions - in the afternoon daylight. How can your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who are you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace? Why do you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? Why do you show me colors bright – why do you hesitate? Either I am more sensitive to what is happening around me – more in tune with nature - and all it beholds – or - Jack has found yet another way to gently “Hold Me In His Arms” - Today. Perhaps - a bit of both? I was leaving my parents home in Scottsdale this afternoon when a few hummingbirds were moving like jet streams out the gated entry of their home. Suddenly - Just two feet ahead of me, – “one lone hummingbird” – broke from the pack - uncharacteristically stopped - and landed on the lower branch of a bush - in my clear view. It stopped me dead in my tracks. It was as if this small yet powerful creature was saying, “Hey there you – Look at me – Can you see me?” He could clearly see me – and I could clearly see him. There was little foliage in this particular area and his little body was sitting there - still – looking back at me – almost telling me - “come closer John Boy”. I stopped and said to my parents – “look at that hummingbird – have you ever known one to stop and simply sit there and look at you”. Even my conversation about this happening – did nothing to frighten him away. I also have a tendency to talk with “my hands” - but nothing was going to stop the performance that was about to unfold before our eyes. My parents were directly behind me watching this small creature gaze wistfully in my direction. Wistfully you say? Yes – a Gaze – and Wistfully. He beckoned me closer – as if for a “curtain call” – and I obliged - stepping closer. Then the color show began! He fluttered his wings numerous times and displayed a most beautiful shade of fuchsia - as his wings opened and shut – He SAT ON A BRANCH – not propelled in mid air - as normally seen by his species. He was insistent on STAYING FOR A VISIT – truly not frightened by the human presence. For at least one full minute, this tiny creature put on his own color show of – fuchsia – blues and greens. Even my two steps toward him did not detour his artistic display of “who he was”. My hand reached out toward him – and still - He did not make one move to fly. It was not until I continued my stroll - directly past him - that he took flight again - and jetted into the sky. My magnified glance at natures face – had ended. And so, I had to ask these questions once again. How did your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who were you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace? Why did you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? The poem: “The Humming Bird’s - Sweet Smile” How can your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who are you little bird so rare – who should vanish without a trace? Why do you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? Why do you show me colors bright – why do you hesitate? I strolled on down this little path - and suddenly - you were there Your little friends you flew here with - had gone - to who knows where You returned and landed on a branch - for me to see And little did I realize - that you would Smile On Me Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style Remembered in the visit from “The Humming Bird’s - Sweet Smile” At first, you were so quiet - as I stopped to notice you And then, your little head would twist - and turn to show me blue Startled and unsure of what to make - of you still here I took just one step closer - and you beckoned – “Closer Dear” The show would now begin – as you fluttered tiny wings The sun now glistened on you clearly - asking you to sing The color show of pinks and blues and greens - burst in mid air The tiny bird from who knows where - was showing something rare Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style Remembered in the visit from “The Humming Bird’s - Sweet Smile” I took just one step closer - and you beckoned – “John Boy – See” And then your little head would twist - and turn to say - “It’s Me” The show continued onward – as you fluttered tiny wings The sun now glistened on you clearly - asking you to sing The color show of pinks and blues and greens - burst in mid air The tiny bird from who knows where - was showing something rare Suddenly you vanished - as I walked into your space You were gone from sight again – and had vanished without trace Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style Remembered in the visit from “The Humming Bird’s - Sweet Smile” How did your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who were you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace? Why did you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? Why did you show me colors bright – why did you hesitate? Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style Remembered in the visit from “The Humming Bird’s - Sweet Smile” Symbols – or if you will “After Death Communications” – are a wonderful comfort after you have lost someone. I deal with this subject as part of the book I have written. The book is almost ready to be sent to the publisher and will be in print by the end of the year or the first part of the New Year. The book will probably be entitled “Finding My Banana Bread Man”. The “Hummingbird” story and poem is part of my book. In hope, this all lends some credence to the topic of “After Death Communication”. I can speak form experience that our loved ones do in fact speak to us in whatever medium is available to them. Hummingbirds are indeed a marvelous medium of communication. If you catch a scent of you’re loved on in the air - they are in fact communicating with you. Symbols are all around us – we simply have to be cognizant of their presence and grief seems to heighten our sensitivity to these symbols. Love to all, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack.

Good Morning William, It’s Sunday morning, September 23, 2007. Jack has now been gone from my life for over two years. I remain convinced that there is nothing that will ever totally remove the pain we all feel at losing our mates. I guess I have moved into that arena of “acceptance” that so many books talk about. I still brake down on occasion, but nowhere near the daily breakdowns of two years ago. The tears still arrive but they are not constant as was the case in those early days of greif. When I do cry they are usually for the lost future or some remembered event of the 10-month illness of Jack dying by inches, blind, and with a brain tumor. I am still deeply affected by the events of his disease and death and the loss of a future with him. However, it has somehow all become easier with the passage of time, not because I love him less but because I love him even more. You speak of feeling “flat”, that the intensity of your grief has not surfaced recently and that your memories of your lost love appear more distant. I believe you have just described the “hills and valleys” of the process of greif – that roller coaster ride of which we all find ourselves as uninvited passengers. One day you feel numb, the next you feel the pain, and the pain returns with greater intensity. The difference is the time lapse between these feelings, which now may even be scattered with period of smiles and joy and even the ability to smile and laugh with others, as you remember special pieces of that extraordinary person who graced your life so beautifully. Yes – today a distant memory and the thought that the past is fading away forever. And tomorrow, the capability of bringing back painful memories of the loss suffered or beautifully exquisite memories of some special and unique facet of that lost personality. I believe all you are feeling – or not feeling – is all part of this cycle of greif. A difficult journey that at times confuses us with its many chameleon faces. Underneath the “flat”, the “distant memories” and “numbness” lay the pieces of our loved ones just waiting to be recalled. Sometimes recalled with tears and other times recalled with beautiful memories. However, because greif is filled with so many emotions, which are so confusing and so different, the recollections of our loved ones that surface can never fully and singularly define the cycle of greif. As with most everything else in life, it is the totality of what was that gives us the true picture. So when you feel “flat”, “numbness”, and fading memories”, remember “valley’s”, “intense feeling” and “vivid memories” that lay just beneath the surface - for you to call to mind and contact whenever you wish to do so. I believe you are progressing well – my friend – as an uninvited passenger on this roller coaster ride of greif. My best to you – and all who grace this site. Love, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, What a beautiful card. I'm sure you touch many lives in special ways with such a wonderful venture. What a great way to spend your spare time. John - Duskly is may handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, What a beautiful dream - filled with such deep meaning. Dreams are such a wonderful learning tool. One of the journals I keep has become almost exclusivly a listing of my dreams which I write down. Thank you for sharing this beautiful expereince. You choose to live - I do to - and eventually - when the time is right "we will meet again". Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, Thanks for sharing. When you break down the length of time a loved one had been gone (2+ years) into hours, minutes and seocnds it seems a much greater amount of time. I watched the video you attached to your message - and - it says it all perfectly. You do not "get over it" as so many people want us all to. Love is simply someting you do not "get over." I guess its hard for most people to understand unless they are faced with it personally. Love never dies - so there is no need to "get over it". I'm glad you shared this with us all. You're a good man Walt. Love and Peace. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, Every so often, I too re-visit those hellish moments when the pain re-appears in all its strength. For me these waves seem to come and stay for two-week period. I seem to be getting good at recognizing them when there in the initial stages – and at least I can remind myself that I “have been here - done that”. When Jack first died I thought for sure that I would want another relationship – not trying to replace him – as I know that is not possible – but another one different but sweet. As time passed, I began to question if I even wanted to go down the road that gave me the greatest joy in my life and the most painful of endings. I’m not sure where I am now – I fluctuate and vacillate. I’m not sure where I am headed. For me it’s been two years – and I have come to realize that this is indeed a life long journey I am on. This grief will never really end – I will learn to live with the pain – the edges softened by time but still capable of bringing back tears at a moments notice – much like you experienced today. I don’t think there is a “too fast” or “too slow” for you – I would be willing to go out on a limb here and say you’re traveling at just the right speed. You’re still in touch with your emotions – which is a wonderful thing to see in a man. Who ever may happen to be so luck as to share their life with you – if that’s to be – will be fortunate to have someone who is capable of feeling deep pain as well as great joy. The deep pain we have sustained is bound to make our moments of joy that much sweeter. I “hear in you” a well-adjusted man. I am more or less turning the future over to my spiritual side. I believe I am capable of living my life alone with many good friends – or – with someone very special again – a new but different “Jack”. I think my life could go either way – and I am at peace with what ever may be the final passage of my existence. Either way – Jack and I – “we will meet again” – and that sustains me. I hope all these bits and pieces of my life – and what I “hear in you” helps in some small way. Love and peace, John – Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Jan 44, I was reading posts tonight and I read yours - and then I saw a few of the repiles = and I saw my name (handle Dusky) was mentioned as having a list of books on greif that may help you. I am atttaching the list I have that many have seen on here before - the list has grown since the last time I may have shared it with the group - it now has 59 listings. One of the things that has helped me so much since my Jack died was reading all these books. There ares so many great messages in these writings. I do not know what I would have done had had it not been for reading, this greif site, a few family and freinds and wrtiting myself. By the end of the year I hope to have my own book published - which is also meant to help people who greive the loss of their mate. You can look for it also - hopefully by the end of the year - the title to my book will be "Finding Jack - My Banana Bread Man". Here is ths list of books I read the first two years after Jack died. I hope you find some comfort in some of these readings: Grief Bibliography 1. Surviving the death of your Spouse Deborah S. Livinson 2. Caregiving Beth McLeod 3. Grief’s Outrages Journey Sandi Caplan Gordon Lang 4. Life and Loss Bob Deits 5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul Jack Canfiled Mark Victor Hanson 6. Wherever your go – There you are Jack Kabat-Zinn 7. Unattended Sorrow Stephen Levine 8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again Dr. Catherine M. Sanders 9. The Mourning Handbook Helen Fitzgerald 10. Healing your grieving heart Alan D Wolfelt Ph. D. 11. Life Lessons Elizabeth Kubler-Ross David Kesler 12. How to go on living when someone dies Theresea Rando Ph. D. 13. A year to live Stephen Levine 14. Letting go with love Nancy O’Connor Ph. D. 15. The Dying Time Joan Furman David McNabb M.S.N., RN 16. Companion through the darkness Stephanie Ericsson 17. Don’t let death ruin your life Jill Brooke 18. A time to grieve Carol Staudacher 19. Too soon old too late smart Gordon Livingston,M.D. 20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace Jack Kornfield 21. Grieving mindfully Samett M. Kumar 22. When your Spouse dies Catherine L. Curry 23. Five good Minutes Jeffery Bantley, M.D.Wendy Millstine 24. Healing After Loss Martha Whitmore Hickman 25. The Power of NOW Eckhart Tolle 26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner Michael Shernoff 27. A Journey through Grief Alla Renee Bozarth.Ph. D. 28. When Bad things happen to Good people Harold S. Kushner 29. The Grief Recovery Handbook John W. James & Frank Cherry 30. Ambiguous Loss Pauline Boss 31. The Precious Present Spencer Johnson 32. Life after Loss Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel 33. Writings to heal the Heart Susan Zimmerman 34. The Grief Recovery Handbook John James & Frank Cherry 35. When Bad things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner 36. Stillness Speaks Eckhart Tolle 37. In Lieu of Flowers Nancy Cobb 38. The Other Side and Back Sylvia Browne 39. Blessings from the Other Side Sylvia Browne 40. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow Karen Casey 41. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying Sogyal Rinpoche 42. The Loss of a Life Partner Carolyn A. Walker 43. Life on the Other Side Sylvia Brown 44. Transcending Loss Ashley Prend 45. The Heart of Grief Thomas Attig 46. Letters to Kate Carl H. Klaus 47. When Men Grieve Elizabeth Levang, Ph. D. 48. The Five Things We Cannot Change David Richo 49. Awakening from Grief John E. Welshons 50. Love Lives On Louis LaGrand, PH.D 51. What Buddha Would Do? Franz Metcalf 52. The Book of Awakening Mark Nepo 53. About Alice Calvin Trillin 54. Forgiveness – A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart Robin Casarjian 55. Getting to the other Side of Grief Susan J Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Ed.D Robert C. De Vries, D.Min., Ph.D 56. Grief Steps Brook Noel 57. Life after Death - The Burden of Proof Deepak Chopra 58. The Essence of ZEN – An Anthology of Quotations The Five Mile Press 59. Pocket Positives of Living – An Anthology Summit Press Quotations My best to you - Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Bebekat and KayC, Thanks for your kind words. This is always a place where I can come for comfort.The past two weeks have been difficult - but then you all know exactly what that is like. This slow passage is filled with valleys that - at times - pull you backwards - yet the progression always seems forward. Sometimes I'm not sure what it is that is pushing me forward - however being on this site and communicating with each of you is healing. I hope to have the book fully edited by the end of August - then its on to the publisher. I am still hopful to have Jacks "written legacy" in place by the end of the year. Love and peace to each of you and all the fine people who grace this site. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, Thank you so much for the wonderful post remebering the anniversary of Jacks death. I made it through the second year. This is one spot where I know people understand what this is all like. Thank you "missingcharlie" for your message. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, If George were here, he would hold you and everything would be all right. In addition, Jack would do the same for me. However, if they were here – that would mean they would not have died and we would not be needing this assistance so desperately. What you describe is very familiar to me – sometimes I have a terrible time concentrating. I find myself wandering from room to room wondering why I am in the room I just entered. It’s as if I’m looking for Jack and that I’ll find him if I keep wandering the rooms of my home – certainly he could not have permanently left me? It will be two years next Tuesday the 31st that Jack has been gone – nearly the same timeline as your George. We keep wandering from room to room looking for “normal” but “normal” died when they died. I feel lost and alone every day in so many ways – and hold on to the few things that have sustained me during the last two years. Those few things are: 1. A few close friends and few close family members 2. Monthly counseling sessions with Hospice of the Valley 3. The folks on this web site and 4. writing I force myself to stay busy. I force myself to re-connect with human contact – even if it’s just to go to the local coffee shop to be where others are. I force myself into any number of situations that will engage me with the rest of the world. Sometimes I force myself to enter this web site and communicate with all of you. However, if I did not force myself into all these seemingly ordinary pursuits I would probably spend all my time wandering room to room looking for Jack. It is hard to create a new life- to find a “new normal”. However, the more time I spend searching for a “new normal” the more pieces of Jack I find along the way. He’s gone – but in some ways, he’s not gone. He left an indelible mark on my life and I am quite sure that George left the same mark on your life as well. I have not physically found Jack in all those rooms I wander into – hoping that he would suddenly appear. However, I have found – and I bet you have too – pieces of your lost love in things you say and do. A long time ago, I shared the following poem with you all. I want to share it with you again as we all seek to find a “new normal” after our lost love has vanished from our sight. If we look close enough we will find that our “new normal” is bound to have elements of George and Jack. As we wander room-to-room (or pace the night away) looking for that “new normal” you will find him in the mirror staring back at you some day – a piece of him will have lingered and found a way to stay. Your “new normal” will be based on the pieces and memories of how he moved and walked and talked. And you will say “I See You In Myself” “I See You In Myself” Your face I cannot feel or see - but clothes you wore remain The space you filled is all about – but it’s not quite the same What we had then - when you were here - was special and unique What I have now – that you are gone - has left me here to seek I had to clean the memories out - and place them on a shelf My heart – it has been stored away – like a plastic Christmas elf I hope my heart will not grow old there - sitting in the dark The memories that I placed it with – were meant to heal a heart My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I could not bear to see them go – these items that you graced I could not bear to let them stay – I had to find a place The heart that had to watch you die – now had to do the rest With loving hands and broken heart - I pressed them to my chest Pictures - Wallets - Rings and Chains - plus stands of golden locks With tear drops falling on my cheeks - I placed them in that box I slipped in all the memories - of each item that was you And then I took this broken heart - and left that with you too My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I know I put that box away – up there upon that nook But somehow I still find you here – in strange places that I look I saw you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The little things you said and did - could not be hidden there To boxes on a shelf so high – my memories are so clear The heart I had so gently placed in boxes – there to rest Had found its way down off that shelf - and back into my chest The you - that moved - and walked - and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” I see you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The you - that moved and walked and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “But I See You In Myself” © John R. Davis 2007 My best to you always, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love You Jack

Jessica and Lyn, Although I am sorry for your loss, I am grateful that you have found this site. It is a wonderful place. Here is one place you can find some true comfort among those who share the same pain. KayC, What can I say to you – you sweet sweet woman. You have been with me since the first day I joined this site. You have made my day. When I see in black and white – in written form – that eyes that once could only see two shades now sees so much more – so much color. You made me feel very special today. All this talk about seeing life in black and white – and just the ability to “see” reminds me once again of Jacks illness and how he endured blindness throughout his 10-month illness. Therefore – in honor of you my sweet KayC – here is one of my poems – which deals with sight – what was lost – and what was eventually found – “just after life”. It speaks well to the “color” of Jacks life and the colors of life that I was able to share with you. Here it is: “Once Again See Me” I knew I saw you resting there - all cuddled up and warm I knew you were in blankets - seeking comfort from the storm I knew you called my name – and I answered each request I knew my patience sometimes - was not always quite the best I knew that overall - I tried to be there for your call I knew and hoped that somehow – I could change just what I saw I knew what you did - and how you tried to stayed the course I knew and marveled at your patience – iron will - and force But the only hope I had – was one that would not be For your brown eyes to open up - and – “Once Again See Me” I knew you put your fork in hand – and move it toward your face I knew it sometimes missed its mark – but you did it all with grace I knew I could not change - one single thing that you endured I knew regardless of my wish - there would not be a cure I knew you struggled daily - seeing only darkened space I knew you tried to place your cup - back in its proper place I knew I could not help you see the colors in your life I knew regardless of my hope – you’d see - just afterlife The only hope I had – was one that would not be For your brown eyes to open up - and – “Once Again See Me” I knew our walks together - would last just a short time more I knew that cancers deadly march - was knocking at your door I knew the visions that you saw - were real - just to you I knew the vision of me here - without you - were true to I knew you could not see me as you drew your final breath I knew yours were just images of memories in your head I knew I could not help you see the colors in your life I knew regardless of my hope – you’d see - just afterlife I know my hardest memory - was the one that found you blind I know I could not change it all – regardless of the time I know I could not help you - see the colors in your life I know regardless of my hope – you’d see - just afterlife The only hope I had – was one that is to be Now - your brown eyes open wide - and – “Once Again See Me” John - Dusky is my handle on here Love You Jack

Missing Rick, Yes yes yes - I've read the book and its wonderful. Thanks for bringing it to everyones attention. I've been trying to carry a rock in my pocket ever since I read the book to remind myself about all the things in life to be greatful for. Its a wonderful book and a marvelous way to move through life - plus such good advise for those of us who have lost our mates. Thanks for sharing, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack