Dusky

WaltC, Thinking of you today - and hoping that you find a way through everything that this day represents. Hopefully - knowing that others care and have you in their prayers will bring some comfort. I enjoy your presence on this site and wish you well - today and always. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Kayc and Patti (Guest), Kayc – First let me thank you for the wonderful posting on this site. All you said applies to you as well – you have been a wonderful source of comfort – not only to me but so many others on this site. I don’t know what I would have done had it not been for all the caring people I found here – who truly know the pain we are experiencing due to the loss of our loved one. Patti, I just had to write after seeing your reply here and the struggle you're encountering in finding what to do with all Charlie’s “stuff”. I have a couple ideas or suggestions – so here they are: 1.Only proceed with storing of finding new homes for the “stuff” until you are ready. I have done little with most of Jack's personal belongings because right now they give me comfort just leaving them where they are. I am fortunate in one respect – and that is – he and I were both men – so I could conceivable wear his cloths – although that may not be my intent. I do however wear a few of his flannel shirts around the house – as it makes me feel closer to him. 2.One thing I am going to do with all his regular shirts and tee shirts and jeans and shorts is to have a Bedspread made out of all these items. If there is enough material I will also have a quilt made and possible some place mats for the table. In addition any scraps will be put in a pillow with a zipper on it – so nothing will go to waste. I am doing this as one of the many projects I have undertaken to help memorialize my Dear Jack. Then when I am dead - I intent to have this given to one of Jacks Grand Daughters. In fact I have written a lengthy letter to BOTH his Granddaughter to be read when I die. It covers many subject about their Papa Jack – but the one paragraph that mentions this Bedspread reads as follows – and it shows the symbolism behind what the Bedspread will be made out of - and hopefully what it will mean to Jacks Granddaughter – here is what that one paragraph of my letter says – remember it will be read when I am dead: “A Bedspread was made some time during the year 2006 from what was once all Your Papa Jacks Shirts and Pants – and it is my specific intent to leave this to you Madison. As you touch this special Bedspread – remember that many of these same Shirts and Pants most likely touched you as you were held in the loving arms of Your Papa Jack. He loved you so very much – and I felt it only appropriate for you to have this keepsake to warm you with thoughts of who he was. It has kept me warm for years.” 3.The last thing I have to share with you is something which I have posted on this site before – It is a song/poem that I wrote which deals directly with the struggle you are currently going though and addressed in your reply to this posting. It’s about “storing” all the “stuff” that belonged to our loved one. Remember that no matter what you do with it – that the memories still exist – and who our loved one was – “Cannot be stored up on that Shelf”. Here is a re-print of what I had previously posted. I hope it provides some comfort and brings some reality to what we all do when we either ‘store” or "give away” our loved ones personal items. Here is my song/poem” – entitled – “I See You In Myself”. “I See You In Myself” Your face I cannot feel or see - but cloths you wore remain The space you filled is all about – but it’s not quite the same What we had then - when you were here - was special and unique What I have now – that you are gone - has left me here to seek I had to clean the memories out - and place them on a shelf My heart – it has been stored away – like a plastic Christmas elf I hope my heart will not grow old there - sitting in the dark The memories that I placed it with – were meant to heal a heart (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I could not bear to see them go – these items that you graced I could not bear to let them stay – I had to find a place The heart that had to watch you die – now had to do the rest With loving hands and broken heart - I pressed them to my chest Pictures - Wallets - Rings and Chains - plus stands of golden locks With tear drops falling on my cheeks - I placed them in that box I slipped in all the memories - of each item that was you And then I took this broken heart - and left that with you too (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I know I put that box away – up there upon that nook But somehow I still find you here – in strange places that I look I saw you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The little things you said and did - could not be hidden there To boxes on a shelf so high – my memories are so clear The heart I had so gently placed in boxes – there to rest Had found its way down off that shelf - and back into my chest The you - that moved - and walked - and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” I see you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The you - that moved and walked and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You In Myself” Copy write 1-9-06 – John R. Davis _____________________________________________________________________________ I hope in some small way all these words help you through this most difficult time. Love to all, Dusky – John is may handle on here Love you Jack

Vic, It is a pain like no other you will ever experience. As helpless and hopeless as you may have felt during your loved ones period of illness – the unfolding grief process makes one wish to have those helpless hopeless days back. Although you feel torn apart at this moment – please know that within this site are caring people who really do care and understand the depth of your loss. The best any of us can hope for is to take each day – each hour – one at a time. You must pass through the pain and actually experience the pain to be able to emerge from it – and – you will not actually recover from the loss – you will learn to life with the loss - and learn how to incorporate the loss into your life as you move forward. Eventually you will learn to find that special place in your heart that belongs only to your wife – reserved for her and no one else – and you will slowly move forward – you will survive – and you will be a better person for having made it through this grief Some things that have helped me were the following: 1.Started various projects to help memorialize my lost partner. Anything you can do to help carry the memory of the person you lost – forward in meaningful ways – will help you heal. Here is a list of a few things I did. a.Establishing a Scholarship in his name at his High School in Michigan. b.Planting two trees in memory of our love in a park in Fountain Hills Arizona. c.Made potpourri from the roses at his memorial service with the scent of his cologne added. d.Had Book Markers made and inscribed with a message that signified one of the primary bits of his personality – his ability to Live Life In The Moment. e.Established Christmas Traditions so that his Granddaughters will have a way to remember him f.Having a Bedspread made out of all his old shirts and pants – that some day will be given to one of his Granddaughters – in memory of Papa Jack 2.Visit this grief site often – there are good people here who truly understand. 3.Talk about your loss to everyone and anyone who will listen to you. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen to you – and will allow you to tell and retell the same story of your loss as often as you wish to do so. Hang on to whomever the people are that are willing to listen – they are the truest form of Angles on this earth. 4.Be prepared to lose some friend about one month after the death of your loved one – for some reason the many people who may have surrounded you for the time during your loved ones illness – for some reason seem to vanish about at the one month mark. So many books point to this as what usually happens. 5.Be prepared to have the death of your loved one “re-write” your address book for you – there will be a natural loss of some friends along the way. The good news is that you will also gain some good new friends. This all seems to be a natural part of the grieving process. 6.It is ok to cry – don’t be afraid to do so – whenever and as often as you wish to. You have every right to cry. Many people are afraid to see you cry – they don’t know what to do when you cry – but always remember it is normal and natural. You feel this way because you have lost the dearest part of you. The pain you feel is normal. You are also in so much pain because your love was so great. The depth of your pain matches the depth of your love – they go hand in hand. 7.If you like to read – read everything you can about grief and the grieving process. I have read over 40 books since the death of my partner. I am going to provide that list here for you. There is a wealth of information to help you through this process – so if you read please do so. Here is the list: Grief Bibliography: Surviving the death of your Spouse - Livinson Care giving * - McLead Grief’s Outrages Journey - Caplan Life and Loss - Deits Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul - Canfiled/Hanson Wherever your go – There you are * - Kabat-Zinn Unattended Sorrow * - Levine Surviving Grief and learning to Live again * - Sanders The Mourning Handbook - Fitzgerald Healing your grieving heart - Wolfelt Life Lessons * - Kubler-Ross/Kesler How to go on living when someone dies * - Rando A year to live * - Levine Letting go with love * - Connor The dying time * - Furman/McNabb Companion through the darkness * - Ericsson Don’t let death ruin your life * - Brooke A time to grieve * - Staudacher Too soon old too late smart * - Livingston The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace * - Kornfield Grieving mindfully * - Kumar When your Spouse dies - Curry Five good Minutes - Millstine Healing After Loss * - Hickman The Power of NOW * - Tolle Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner * - Michael Shernoff A Journey through Grief - Alla Bozarth When Bad things happen to Good people - Harold S. Kushner The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John W. James & Frank Cherry Ambiguous Loss * - Pauline Boss The Precious Present * - Spencer Johnson Life after Loss * - Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel Writings to heal the Heart * - Susan Zimmerman The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John James & Frank Cherry When Bad things Happen to Good People * - Harold Kushner Stillness Speaks (have not read yet) - Eckhart Tolle In Lieu of Flowers (In process of reading) - Nancy Cobb I hope some of what is listed here helps you – always remember that on this site you have a constant list of friends who care and understand. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

This actually happened to me today - Here's the story: ____________________________________________________________________________ A Hummingbird - He “Held Me In His Arms” Today Today I asked these questions - in the afternoon daylight. How can your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who are you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace? Why do you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? Why do you show me colors bright – why do you hesitate? Either I am more sensitive to what is happening around me – more in tune with nature - and all it beholds – or - Jack has found yet another way to gently “Hold Me In His Arms” - Today. Perhaps - a bit of both? I was leaving my parents home in Scottsdale this afternoon when a few hummingbirds were moving like jet streams out the gated entry of their home. Suddenly - just two feet ahead of me – “one lone hummingbird” – broke from the pack - uncharacteristically stopped - and landed on the lower branch of a bush - in my clear view. It stopped me dead in my tracks. It was as if this small yet powerful creature was saying “Hey there you – Look at me – Can you see me?” He could clearly see me – and I could clearly see him. There was little foliage in this particular area and his little body was sitting there - still – looking back at me – almost telling me - “come closer John Boy”. I stopped and said to my parents – “look at that hummingbird – have you ever known one to stop and simply sit there and look at you”. Even my conversation about this happening – did nothing to frighten him away. I also have a tendency to talk with “my hands” - but nothing was going to stop the performance that was about to unfold before our eyes. My parents were directly behind me watching this small creature gaze wistfully in my direction. Wistfully you say? Yes – a Gaze – and Wistfully. He beckoned me closer – as if for a “curtain call” – and I obliged - stepping closer. And then the color show began! He fluttered his wings numerous times and displayed a most beautiful shade of fuchsia - as his wings opened and shut – He SAT ON A BRANCH – not propelled in mid air - as normally seen by his species. He was insistent on STAYING FOR A VISIT – truly not frightened by the human presence. For at least one full minute this tiny creature put on his own color show of – fuchsia – blues and greens. Even my two steps toward him did not detour his artistic display of “who he was”. My hand reached out toward him – and still - He did not make one move to fly. It was not until I continued my stroll - directly past him - that he took flight again - and jetted into the sky. My magnified glance at natures face – had ended. And so I had to ask these questions once again. How did your little image – hold me frozen here in place? Who were you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace? Why did you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait? Why did you show me colors bright – why did you hesitate? I have never observed this hurried species to linger quietly on a branch and provide such an outstanding display of nature’s beauty. “To linger” – is not part of who they are. I have seen photographs like that which I witnessed today – but never such an “in-person” and “personal performance”. A front row seat – free of charge. My Mother experienced a feeling of chills up and down her arms as the “Little Messenger” performed for us – welcoming our approach - and providing what seemed like an encore performance of the initial color show. I said to my parents as he vanished from my sight – it “Must Be Jack” – another “Visit of Encouragement” – in the only means possible. How else can I explain something like this happening? Today I witnessed a miracle - small like the bird – but there just the same. He lives again in what I see – He lives again in what he was to me. Nature has a wonderful way of helping us go on – He “Held Me In His Arms” today. ___________________________________________________________________________ Hope you enjoy - It happened to me today. John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

A few months ago I read a book with various subject matters. Recently when talking and writing to a friend (who is also grieving the loss of his partner/spouse) I had a chance to recall - and talk about - two of the subject matters of this book – Happiness and Love. The book is called “Too Soon Old – Too Late Smart” by Gordon Livingston. It seems to me that as we are grieving the loss of our partners/spouse – that it is sometimes nice to contemplate what it is that makes us happy as individuals, and to define what love means to us. I found that in reading this book and talking to others that I am striving to find the happiness that I had and known when Jack was alive. I also found that I could relate to the “definition of love” as described in this book. Following are some passages from this book - and my own reflections as they applied to me. In the book he defines Happiness as having three components - and they are: 1. Something to do 2. Someone to love. 3. Something to look forward to. He goes on to say about happiness: “Think about it. If we have useful work, sustaining relationships, and the promise of pleasure, it is hard to be unhappy. I use the term ‘work’ to encompass any activity, paid or unpaid, that gives us a feeling of personal significance. If we have a compelling avocation that leans meaning to our lives, that is our work.” He then goes on to talk about Love – and says: “Much is made of the presumed difficulty in defining ‘love’. Because the basis for the feeling itself is mysterious (Why do I love this person and not someone else?). It is assumed that the words cannot encompass what it means to love another. How about this definition? We love someone when the importance of his or her needs and desires rises to the level of our own. In the best of cases, of course, our concern for the welfare of another exceeds, or becomes indistinguishable from, what we want for ourselves. An operational question I use to help people determine if they really love someone is, ‘Would you take a bullet for this person?’ This may seem an extreme standard, since few of us are required to confront such a sacrifice and none of us can say with certainty what we would do if our desire for self-preservation collided with our love for another. But just imagining the situation can clarify the nature of our attachment.” I also found his discussion of love - and attempt to define it - to be most reflective. I remember when I first read this book I truly understood what he was saying – and also really knew how much I loved Jack. I know I would - in fact -have “taken a bullet for him”. I can recall telling Jack’s son one day last May – as his Father was slipping further and further away – I said Tommy “If there was a way I could take your Fathers place – endure the burden he is facing – and die for him – I would gladly do this”. To this day I know I would have gladly taken Jack’s place. In effect I was telling his Son I would “take a bullet” for his Father. He had no comment to me at the time – and – I believe he wished I could have “Taken his Fathers Place” – “Taken the Bullet” – and that’s ok – after all who wants to lose their Father. I feel comfortable knowing that I have loved that deeply. I believe it’s knowing that I have loved that deeply before – and realizing what love really is – that makes me want to have that all again. How could anyone not want to duplicate that wonderful feeling? I want – again – to be able to feel love so deeply that I would be willing to “take a bullet” for the one I love. I would be willing to bet that all of you seek happiness again – and that all of you would have “taken the bullet” for your lost love. Love and peace to you all, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

I have been reading a book recently called The Loss of a Life Partner by Carolyn Ambler Walter. It is an excellent book. It puts together the stories of various people from different walks of life – and recounts the story of their individual loss and how they have survived the loss. I took just one of these stories and picked out 25 statements made in this one story – and have listed them below. For me they speak volumes. In most case these are just “one line” sentences from one persons story of loss – but what is stated relates so well to what we have all experienced with our loss and continue to experience with the grieving process. I thought this could help us all. Here they are: 1.He had been very healthy up until about a year before he died. 2.But living without him has been the hardest thing to deal with. 3.It will never be the same – a sense of never being whole. 4.There is a part of you that is just gone. 5.There were times when I should have done more – there were times when I should have done less. (In reference to Care giving) 6.One of the hard things of the illness was the knowledge of knowing there wasn’t a hell of a lot you could do in any circumstance. You could care, you could love, you could bathe them, you could do tons of physical things, but the realization that nothing is going to turn this around is devastating. There was no question that this type of illness is irreversible. 7.The powerless of knowing that there was nothing that could be done is awful. 8.It got to the point where he needed total care a whole lot more than I could give. 9.It was emotionally and physically draining, in that nothing is going to change, and then not being able to communicate with him towards the end. 10. To this day I can remember his voice, his smile, his laugh.. 11.I remember the initial pain, that emptiness – that hollowing – that literally your heart is ripped out. 12.Years later the dreams are more pleasant, and its not this painful letting go. 13.For me the making sense out of the person’s life more than the illness was one of the hardest things. 14.I want to make sure that the illness was not to be the defining feature of this wonderful persons life. 15.I saw a wonderful creative person die a horrible death. 16.Life becomes more precious. 17.So in a way I have become the keeper of the flame – and that has eased the grief. 18.And I do have a sense of needing to do something important or something worthwhile – or not to feel sorry or not waste time. 19.I have taken him with me – there is that spark of life that at some point we were connected – and a need to value him – and hold on to the good stuff. 20.I believe I have lost the person, but the love of that relationship goes on in time. 21.Its what worked – that spark of life – and that’s why we grieve so badly - because it’s lost. That ability to see past the pain, to see past the horrible loss, and to carry that spark with you is what I do now. 22.The hardest part is knowing that you will survive – that you’re going to have to get on with this. 23.My experience has made me value the human experience. 24.It took a long time not to feel everything was lost. 25. I can give everything up – give up the future for one more hour – and try to negotiate a week. If given the opportunity, I would give the future up to spend another hour with him. You just don’t get over it – you live with it in some ways. I hope this helps. Love to all, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Kayc, What a beautiful synopsis of the path we are sharing together. You have captured the essence of struggle we all find ourselves engaged. I am so fortunate to have found this grief web site, as well as another in which I participate. The discussions and sharing that take place has been invaluable to me and has helped me realize that I am not alone – that others are suffering this same deep type of loss. The burden is a little lighter when shared with many. Alone none of us could move a boulder – but together it is indeed possible. This place of sharing, compassion and love has sustained me – and your eloquent description of how your pain can be used as a reminder of your blessings is indeed - right on target. For those in the very early stages of this process that may seem – as you say “hollow” – but pain and joy are intertwined – just like life and death – you can’t have one without the other. Thank you for your thoughtful message to us all. WaltC, You never cease to amaze me. I have watched you contribute to these discussions time and again and so often with just the appropriate song. “The Dance” is so fitting to this discussion. Your contribution here is tremendous. I know you often speak of your love for Jeannie and how lucky you were to have her. Jeannie was lucky to have you too – and we are very fortunate to have you as a contributor to this web site. What a good person you are. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to each participant of this discussion, This is certainly a touchy topic to discuss – and views will vary from person to person depending on the loss that they experienced. I have been one of the most fortunate people on this planet. Death – real death - that has effected me so deeply and in a sustained fashion – has not reached me until I lost my life partner – my soul mate – the one I shared my everyday existence with each day. Other losses in my live – four grandparents – two cats – and one dog were difficult – but they pale in comparison to the loss of my partner. And the loss of our Dog (Dusky) during the course of Jacks illness ranks second in difficulty – ahead of other losses in my life – cats and grandparents. For me that has been the order of grief. Yes - the Dog (Dusky) a more devastating loss than my grandparents. For me personally it has been - the emotional attachment – and fact that I lived with the person or pet – that has reflected the severity of the loss. I have some strong opinions on the worst kind of grief – and they are probably opinions that have been shaped by my recent loss – and I will share those “opinions” at the end of my reply. I believe there are factors to a loss that determine your reaction severity of the loss – and the factors end up shuffling the “deck of grief of cards” - which can place unlikely losses in the you’re most sever – top – category. For me the amount of devastation is determined by the emotional attachment to the person or pet lost – AND whether or not you physically live your everyday life with the lost loved one. Generally speaking – in most cases that would probably mean that the loss of a spouse is probably going to be the more devastating – BUT - there will be exceptions. I can generalize that the loss of a Spouse is most devastating – but I can’t say for certainly because I do not know all the specifics. Perhaps although you live with your spouse – there is no love between you – BUT - across town you have two parents and a grown child for whom you are extremely and emotionally attached – even more attached that the spouse you live with. In this instance probably the death of the parent or child would be much more difficult. But I also believe this will be the exception rather than the rule – but that is just my opinion. Although we can say “generally speaking” – we can’t define and categorize the severity of the loss with absolute certainty. Perhaps someone has already lost a spouse – and now has lost a son or daughter. My neighbor lost his wife 8 years ago. His son – who had always lived with his parents and was 44 died three years ago. I’m not sure which was more devastating to him. I could guess that it was the loss of his wife – but I am not certain. Perhaps the devastation of these losses – at this point in his life – are equal – I don’t know – and can’t judge another’s loss. I can apply what I know of his losses and assume – but only he can determine the devastation level. Perhaps the person suffering the loss has no spouse – and only has parents – then a parental loss may very well be the most devastating thing possible – to them. However - For me - Once you throw a caring and loving relationship into the equation – living together and sharing your everyday lives together – emotionally attached and inseparable as one – then the loss of that other half of you creates a loss that is difficult for people to fully comprehend – unless they have experienced it – at least in my mind. In this instance – if some one else is looking at you – with their loving spouse still existing - and by their side – and attempts to compare the loss of a parent to the loss of your spouse – to me – the comparison is lost. Apples need to be compared to Apples – and Oranges to Oranges. I think this is where we all sometimes seem to lose our way – Comparisons are nearly impossible here – at least not based on the type of loss. Someone who has not lost a spouse – a communion of souls - cannot know the devastation that type of loss represents – comparison to a lost parent is lost on me. For me personally – I would have rather lost any other person or pet in my life – grandparent, parent, son, daughter, pet or any other relation or friend – anyone - than to have lost my partner and soul mate – Jack. I know I do not have a choice – but if I did Jack would still be walking this planet. And I would be grieving another’s death. I guess that is why we are not left in control of lives and who dies. For me the loss of my partner – my soul mate – is the most devastating life loss that I could have experienced – or ever will experience – I cannot imagine another loss ever comparing to this one – at least - not for me. Someone else may have a different life experience – which will make the situation different – and therefore - “shuffle the deck of grief cards”. I can accept the “shuffling of the deck of grief cards” – but have difficulty having someone comparing a loss - other than a spousal loss - to mine. It may be just as devastating – in its own way and severity – but it is not the loss of a spouse. In the end – I think those of us who have lost a spouse (partner) have the most difficult time understanding comparisons made to our loss by individuals standing before us who: 1. Still have their mate (in a strong and loving relationship) and compare some other loss they have experienced and relate it as “knowing” what we feel. 2. Expect us to be “over with the process” – or – “further along” – when they have no idea the devastation caused by the loss of half of you. Anyone’s loss is crushing. All I know - is for me – I have been – and am now passing through - the worst loss that has ever have touch my life. If we dare to compare – let it be a comparison of - the emotional attachment to the lost love – and to the intimate living agreements that existed between ourselves - and the one lost. That rather than the one lost (spouse, parent, son, daughter or pet etc) may be a fairer comparison – but even this may breed nothing more than opinion. I can only imagine the deviational loss and grief that is to follow for the young son of the now deceased Christopher and Dianna Reeve. The loss of two parents – at the age of 13. I cannot comprehend it – dare I compare? I don’t believe I can - but I know I share what Vivian stated - and that is “Losing ones spouse changes your every day life. It changes your identity to a great extent. Assuming this was a good marriage…you find yourself mourning that which has died in you…the secrets confided, the dreams shared. Unfortunately it is a feeling one cannot know unless one has walked in our shoes”. I walk in these same shoes – and this I can compare. Love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here

Bebekat and Vivian, Thank you both for your thoughtful reply to my story. Actually I'm only at 7 months since Jacks death - but 19 months from when he was diagnosed. It seems like that 10 month illness was also a greiving period - a "trial run" - the "warm up laps" before the race. Perhaps losing Jack by inches has helped this process along - if so - once again another gift he gave to me - what a sweet and loving man he was. And Vivian - I think that pack of cigaretts - was indeed a sign from Rick. I remain more and more convienced every day that the spirt of our loved ones resides deep in our hearts. It is our job to find a way to access our hearts and find them. Rick is with you just as sure as Jack is with me and Bebekat's husband is with her. The cigaretts were a sign - so was the popcorn seed. Love and Peace to you both, John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Hello to All, Today I sent a story about “ The Popcorn Seed” – and verses – to all my e-mail friends. I wanted to share this same story with each of you. What follows is the story of “The Popcorn Seed” – the meaning small things can have in our lives – and a reflection on the meaning of “this lonely seed”. I hope you find it worthwhile. Here it is: "The Popcorn Seed" I keep a very clean house – but like anyone who does - you still engage in some “deep cleaning” from time to time to reach those areas that are sometimes overlooked in your everyday upkeep. I performed one of these more “in-depth” cleanings during the course of this last week. There tucked in the mopboard in the living room was a popcorn seed. Just a particle of food – you think? Not to me - and not to the memory that popcorn has for me. I gentle picked this seed up and placed it with another in my bedroom dresser to share a place with the only other popcorn seed I had found since his death. So what should the significance of this popcorn seed have – you ask? For me it brings back memories – some reflective of great pain – and some of great joy. Popcorn was his favorite snack/food. In that small kernel lie elements of his life – stories of joy beyond belief – but also congers up memories of the last days of life as well. A small speck – a crumb of food – to me a piece of who he was. How could so much sorrow and pain – joy and laughter be found in such a seed? I’m about to tell you. Popcorn was a Saturday experience at the movies – an almost every week event. And if it was not a trip to the local movie house it was the same food shared at home watching a rented video with my two favorite people – Jack and Dusky. Either way the “show time” always involved the food that only leaves popcorn seeds as a reminder of a day well spent. This went on year after year after year – bowl after bowl after bowl of popcorn. Was this seed I found from some show watched long ago - or was it from a seed expelled from his mouth during the course of a long terminal illness? A habit suddenly cultivated when blind - resulted in projectile popcorn seeds flying across the living room from the lips of that normally and extremely neat man that I loved. Either way – it did not matter – that seed I had found - was destined to be preserved as part of something that he had tossed - and now carried with it - a memory of who he was. Popcorn was also the ever-present treat during those months of illness – even after his sight had been lost - he still had use of his right side to feed himself his favorite treat. And when he could not feed himself – I fed it to him. So the popcorn was set to his left side and he would reach with the right hand and shovel this treat into his mouth – providing one of his life’s greatest joys – popcorn. As time would pass the left side became less and less available – and the popcorn and bowl would sometimes find its way to the ground. Was this where that seed had come from? Perhaps – but still - it made no difference – it was still a memory of who he was – so that little seed was kept as precious. And so – a few days later – after all the cleanings done – another kernel did appear – from where I do not know? I walked into my bedroom where every inch had been witness to this “cleaning fool” - and out of nowhere – in the center of the room - laid one “Lonely Popcorn Seed” - staring back at me. This one too was picked up - and place with the two before – and now there’s three to share that space reserved in my bedroom drawer. And so – out of that “Lonely Popcorn Seed” has come the following - which I would like to share with you. The two verses below were created with “The Lonely Popcorn Seed” as an inspiration. _______________________________________________________________________ “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn” Some would call it “coincidence” – some would say “so what” And others would say it’s “just a seed” – “don’t make of it - what it’s not” To me it’s so much more than just a seed – there on the floor To me a message was received – an opening of a door I do not know - from where it came – I do not question how Because it suddenly appeared – it’s saved as precious now Just months ago he died - where that same popcorn seed now rests I’ve placed that seed of memories - where the other two now nest It’s just a lonely popcorn seed – lying on the floor For me a message was received – an opening of a door That little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on” Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn” The same room that had seen him die – “produced” this tiny seed Symbolic of the life we had – or nothing more than feed? He died where that same seed was found – the room it shared the same The skeptic’s heart would brush it off - as wishful thinking – lame For me the message is quite clear – a seed to tell me – “grow” The memories that it holds unique – a past of “picture shows” The little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on” Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn” And so you see that little seed – spit far - from some strange place Has found a way to “sow a thought” - of healing – and of grace To me it’s so much more than just a seed – there on the floor To me a message was received – an opening of a door It’s just a lonely popcorn seed – lying on the floor For me a message was received – an opening of a door That little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on” Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn” Copyright - John R. Davis 3/5/06 ______________________________________________________________________________ “Its Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you It may be something simple and appear to no one else Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth “It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun And even when the road was dark and illness came to stay Those bowls of fresh popped kernels - sat right there on your tray Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to remind me of the fun When something small like popcorn shells lets in the memories sun Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air “It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased Popcorn was a special thing for both of us to share At Movies on a Saturday – or home resting in chairs Remember how you liked the butter - and extra salt - for spice It had to be a large bag and a soda – full of ice I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air “It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you It may be something simple and appear to no one else Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth “It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased Copyright - John R. Davis 3/4/06 _____________________________________________________________________________ Considering what has transpired in my life during the last 18 months I believe I am doing remarkable well. It has been more than a lesson on death – and grief – it has also encompassed lessons on change, humility, guilt, anger, forgiveness, understanding, patience, spirituality, letting go, family and friendship – lost and found. Of course - I wish none of this had happened – I wish I were not sharing any of this with you. I search daily for some meaning in Jack’s death – and as impossible as I once though that would be – I now believe it can happen. For me it will eventually occur because I am actively working through this process – and intend to not only get through it – but to transcend it. It is a lonely road – and ultimately has to be done alone. I will always be the person to bear the greatest witness to Jack’s life – and to remember him in the most memorable means possible. I also intend to proceed with my life - with Jack neatly tucked away in my heart – and find a way to fully live again. This process is slowly unfolding – very slowly – but it is unfolding. The story of “The Lonely Popcorn Seed” (above) - and the verses you just read - is reflective of - where I am going –and how far I have come. Love and Peace to you all, John - Dusky is my handle on here

Vivian, Deborah and Bebekat, I have been reading with interest the discussion unfolding with each of you. Those of you who know me - know that I am seldom at a loss for words and this will probably turn out to be one of those replies. Vivian – I appreciated your opening comments about the loss of a spouse and how so often those who are trying to console us tell about the loss of a parent. As you indicated the loss of a spouse “changes your every day life”. I was at a party just last night when someone made reference to the loss of a parent – in an effort to relay some sense of comfort to me. My reply was to provide a rather pointed response - what I said was this: I have two elderly parents – both 84 years old and in good – great health. I love these two people so very very much – they have been the best parent any son could ever want to have. I would however have been able to accept and move forward from the death of either of my dear parents - in comparison to the loss of my soul mate and partner – Jack. The loss of the person you live your every day existence with, is much more traumatic than the loss of elderly parents – or not so elderly parents – who you do not share the intimacy of your everyday activities. A crushing loss - yes – but not the same as the loss of a husband, wife – or in my case partner. As you say “it is a feeling one cannot know unless one has walked in our shoes”. As for the guilt issue – I faced this in a slightly different realm than you speak about. I can certainly relate to your questions about … “Did I do all I could for him?…and …Did he know how much I loved him?…and…I told him but did he know?” Although I felt I poured my heart out at times - I still feel that I could have done even more. I believe that no matter what extent you express yourself under these circumstances it leaves you feeling a sense of inadequacy. One thing I have learned from many of the books I have read is that – You did the best you could given the circumstances and emotions that you were dealing with at the time. I “beat myself up” following Jacks death because there were times that I was not always as caring and thoughtful when I had to take care of all the bathroom duties I was presented with. Time and again I found myself apologizing to this sweet man because I had not been as patient as I could have been. He was blind – and terminally ill – and slowly losing control of his left side – the cancer was taking over – I was watching him slowly leave me inch my inch – I was an emotional and physical wreck. Since Jacks death I have learned to forgive myself – and to understand that Jack would have been the first one to have forgiven me for any of my perceived shortcomings. Guilt about any issue with your loved one – can eat you up in side – and must be confronted – and resolved – to make your way through the process. The bottom line is I knew he loved me and he know I loved him. I think each of us truly loved our mate – and each of our mates loved us – whether it was specifically stated or not. Deep in the core of your heart – where your loved one still exists – we all have the power to reach that core – and whisper, “I love you” – right now. I have found that writing letter to your loved one is very cathartic – and one way to deal with any feelings of guilt. I have written 12 letters to Jack to date. Different subject matters each of them. One of them was on the subject of Guilt. I would highly recommend it. It allows you to talk so closely talk with your loved one – it has been a very healthy exercise for me. There is also a book entitle “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John James and Frank Henry. It is a great workbook where the reader does exercises and walks you through your lifetime to establish how you have dealt with grief in your life - and helps you handle your current loss. In the end you do a letter to you lost love. I would suggest everyone on this grief site take the time and effort to find this book and work their way through it. It has helped me deal with being able to state – through a letter - many things to my Jack - that I never had a chance to adequately express. This is a good book. Many of the books I have read also deal with the subject of Forgiveness – I have had to learn to forgive myself and provide this same forgiveness to others. There are some of the books that I have read that will bring you to tears - as you allow yourself to be part of the healing process of forgiveness. Bebekat – Thank you so much for the reference to the book by Joan Didion – The year of Magical Thinking – I will put that on my list of books to purchase. The passage you quoted is so very true. I loved the description of what happens in the months that follow the funeral “….the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments, during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself”. I have reached beyond the 6 month anniversary of Jacks death – and I am well on my way to slowly losing connection with so many friends that simply cannot bear or do not understand the devastation of this type of grief. So many just want it to “be over with” or expect that it have a “certain time frame”. Reality is that it will never “be over”. Although I know I am on the right path to slowly incorporate the loss of the most important person in my life – most people just do not “get it”. I am slowly attracted to those old friends and family that do “get it” and can understand - plus a new group of friends that have been formed since the death of Jack. Grief rewrites your address book for you – I am seeing it happen first hand. Deborah – You are “oh so right” – this web site is full of people who truly understand and know the hurt and pain caused by the loss of your spouse (partner) and is here to help with that loss. One thing that helps me so much is to be able to reach out to others and share stories – express feelings and assist in any way I can. With that being said – I would like to provide you all the list of books I have read to date – in the hope that it will provide some comfort and direction. Reading has been one of the tasks that have helped me tremendously. Writing has been the other thing that has helped me. So here is the list of books I have read. If anyone has any questions I would be glad to try to recall the specifics about any particular reading. Please know how much I care about each and every one of you. I feel your pain – that pain is mine. Grief Bibliography 1. Surviving the death of your Spouse = Livinson 2. Care giving * - McLead 3. Grief’s Outrages Journey -Caplan 4. Life after Loss - Deits 5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul- Canfiled/Hanson 6. Wherever you go – There you are * - Kabat-Zinn 7. Unattended Sorrow * - Levine 8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again * - Sanders 9. The Mourning Handbook - Fitzgerald 10. Healing your grieving heart - Wolfelt 11. Life Lessons * - Kubler-Ross/Kesler 12. How to go on living when someone you love dies * - Rando 13. A year to live * - Levine 14. Letting go with love * - Connor 15. The dying time * - Furman/McNabb 16. Companion through the darkness * - Ericsson 17. Don’t let death ruin your life * - Brooke 18. A time to grieve * = Staudacher 19. Too soon old too late smart * - Livingston 20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace * - Kornfield 21. Grieving mindfully * - Kumar 22. When your Spouse dies - Curry 23. Five good Minutes - Millstine 24. Healing After Loss * - Hickman 25. The Power of NOW * - Tolle 26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner * - Michael Shernoff 27. A Journey through Grief - Alla Bozarth 28. When Bad things happen to Good people - Harold S. Kushner 29.The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John W. James & Frank Cherry 30. Ambiguous Loss * - Pauline Boss 31. The Precious Present * - Spencer Johnson 32. Life after Loss * - Raymond Moody &Dianne Arcangel 33. Writings to heal the Heart * - Susan Zimmerman 34. The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John James & Frank Cherry 35. When Bad things Happen to Good People * - Harold Kushner 36. Stillness Speaks (have not read yet) - Eckhart Tolle 37. In Lieu of Flowers (In process of reading) - Nancy Cobb Peace and love to you all, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Shell, That you so much for your reply. I will buy the book you listed on here - Reading has helped me. Thank you so much for your warm and kind message. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Hello to Everyone, I recently read some beautiful passages from a book entitled “Writing To Heal The Soul” by Susan Zimmermann. I would like to share these few paragraphs with you. For some reason these few paragraphs that I read seem strangely to address some of the problems we all face on our common journey of grief – and I wanted to share them with you. I hope that you find some comfort and guidance in what this writer has provided. She writes: “Mother earths cycles surround us, providing lessons and proof of the flux and change that is nature’s way. Death provides the mulch and nutrients for birth and growth. Without the frost of winter there would be no buds of spring. Without the black of night, there would be no light of dawn. When our hearts are frozen with sorrow, we think that the warmth of spring will never come, but as surely as the sun, new growth will flower within us. The regenerative force is something that rests in our hearts. Our challenge is to access it.” “There is a paradox that sometimes we laugh so hard we cry. It is also possible to cry so hard we laugh. As great humorists know, there is a fine line between comedy and tragedy. It is the intense life experiences – both joyful and wretched – that move us the most. In ‘The Prophet’, Kahil Gibran writes about this enigma. He says ‘Your joy is your sorrow unmasked’. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears…When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you great sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight’. There are certain things in life that cannot be separated. As much as we would like to shield ourselves from suffering and expand our ability to experience joy, the fact is that heartache leads to joy and joy to heartache.” “ Part of our healing comes from a realization of interconnectedness. In acknowledging our grief, we must understand that we have lost something precious, we have suffered a death – a literal death of our dreams and expectations – but there is new life around us all the time in the natural world. There is a growing and changing and dying that is constant. It is the nature of nature. It is the nature of life. It is dangerous to get too removed from nature’s voice, a voice that can be benign as well as ruthless, full of beauty or destruction. It teaches us that while we have control over some things, others are beyond our reach.” “Healing is embracing what is most feared; healing is opening what has been closed, softening what has hardened, healing is learning to trust again.” “Perhaps life is a journey toward acceptance, toward the belief that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. The hardships and upheavals, the losses and heartaches have a purpose in the small or grand scheme of things. Either we conclude that there is order and purpose in the universe, or we concede that all is a meaningless accident. We must choose which of these outlooks will guide our lives. This may be the most important decision we ever make. It is difficult to learn to trust life, especially when life seems to play tricks on us. In the midst of a messy divorce, chronic illness, career setbacks, or despair over a child, it is nearly impossible to see the good in the situation. But our life challenges and losses are opportunities for us to appreciate and love differently, to drink in the smallest details of life, to celebrate what we have as we mourn what we’ve lost. This is part of letting go and accepting the outcome, whatever it might be. This is part of moving from hope which can mask reality, to trust, which acknowledges the bold, sometimes bitter, facts and says yes to life.” Hope these paragraphs are as meaningful to you as they were to me. Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack.

Bebekat, I think your dream was wonderful – AND your interpretation of the dream seems so very appropriate to what you describe. When I have dreams – not that often – but when I do I write them down – just as you did. I have found great comfort in putting it all on paper – and then making notes to myself as to what the dream means to me – jut as you did here. I think this is a very healthy sign to be able to not only have the dream but also interpret it for your self. In my dreams my Jack is always healthy and looking good – just as you describe Tom. Dreams are wonderful things for me. Since Jack died I look forward to any dreams – as it’s the only way I can see him again. I think it’s a good thing that we are seeing our loved ones happy and healthy. In spite of the illnesses that they may have endured – the pictures in our dreams show all the beauty that they possessed. I keep a running Journal (as best I can) and my dreams are part of this Journal. I know you miss Tom – I miss Jack too. Your dream was wonderful – thank you for sharing it. My heart is with you – Peace and Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here

LoriW, I am so sorry for the loss of you Mother. I can only imagine your pain – I am luck as I have both of my parents – but they are both 84 – so I am sure I will know the depths of your loss soon. As for your Father – I can certainly relate. Please be gentle with him – and keep contacting him and making the effort to include him in your celebrations. I lost my partner of 27 years last July. I am devastated most of the time. The loss of a mate is beyond my describing adequately – it’s as if half of me has died with him – most of the time I do not know where to turn – or how to continue. There is a tendency to withdraw – and that is where family and friends – and things like this grief site - come into play. It is so important for other people to contact your Father – don’t expect him to come to you. You and others who care about him need to make a super effort to reach out to him. Without your Mother he is totally lost. He cannot find himself because so much of what he was and the fabric of his life have been taken from him when your Mother died. He needs to repaint the picture of his life that he and your Mother were in the process of completing – when the picture was suddenly destroyed. He has to start form scratch and probably does not even know where to begin. It is a horrible and lonely feeling to lose the person you shared so many years with – creating that tapestry of your lives together. If you can call him everyday – if for no other reason than to let him know that there is another person out there who cares about him and knows he is alive. I am sure he wants to find a reason to live. But I do have one suggestion for you when it comes to holidays. I just passed through the holidays and one of the things I did to make it through was to make sure my partner was specifically remembered when my friends and family got together. I did what I am about to describe whether people came to my house or if I went to their house. The following was set up as a Christmas remembrance – but you could do it for any holiday. I think if you make the following effort and tell your Father what you intend to do he would be more likely to want to participate since he would feel more like your Mom – his soul mate was with you all. Also let him know – and remind him often that you will never forget your Mother. For me one of the most important things is for others to tell me that they will never forget My Jack. It is a passion for me – and I bet it would be very important for your Father to be reminded - often – how much your Mother meant to you and that you will never ever forget the wonderful person she was. Talk about her often – your Father needs to hear you talk about her. Here is what you do: Get 5 candles – put them in small containers – then use the following written message to light each candle and speak the message for each candle. It’s a symbolic tribute to your Mother and your Fathers life long partner. I am attaching the verse I used for Jack – just modify it for your Mother - AND let your Father know that you intend to do this for other various family get celebrations. I hope this helps: Holiday Candles for Jack As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love, and one for our hope. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did, and the caring and joy you gave us. This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day-by-day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us. And this candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you and that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever. We love you. _________________________________ Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends. _________________________________ I hope some of this helps you. I know it helps me – if it helped you. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my self. 15 days ago marked the 6-month anniversary of Jacks death. I don’t know what it is - or why – but for some reason I have fallen in this pit and can’t seem to get out. I though I had been doing reasonably well – and I know what all the books say about the “roller coaster” trip that we’re all on – still I though I would be able to find a way out of the last 15 days. It seems to be getting harder and harder recently. I have not cried as much for Jack since just before and just after he died. I keep meeting him in my dreams – and I know he wants me to go on – but it’s hard to “see the road” through all these tears. Have any of you experienced this “6-month anniversary pit” I find myself in. I don’t know why I’m having a more difficult time right now – but I am. Thanks for listening – It’s nice to know I can talk to you all on here – You are great comfort to me. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Charlie, What a beautiful thing to have happen to you. This is a very special event that has happened in your life - I am sure you will treasure this act of love forever. Truly beautiful. John - Dusky is my handle on here

Ustwo, What a wonderful and loving message to your sweetheart Gene. I'm sure he heard every word and sent all his love to you as well. John - Dusky is my handle on here

KayC, What a beautiful message to your George. Your love comes through in every word. So very well done - I am sure George knew how much you loved him - your words told it all. John - Dusky is my handle on here

In memory of my Dear Jack – on this Valentines Day – I wish to post the following poem/song that I wrote for him – Its called “What The Heart Knows”. Here it is for you my sweet Love ------- Love never dies! “What The Heart Knows” We met in October of seventy-eight Physical attraction - and “mental mates” Opposite sometimes – each one so strong When blended together - a beautiful song Italian the life blood that moved through our veins The Land of Lovers and Villas and Lanes Parma and Tuscany – trade makers sons Had created two children from the Roman ones’ (Refrain) Family traits repeat and show Young and on fire – “The Heart Knows” The first years exciting – romantic and wild Passionate lovers – no room for the mild Years would do nothing to put out the flame We burned with such passion - some envied our claim (Refrain) Family traits repeat and show Strong with heritage – “The Heart Glows” Destiny moved us from hometowns - to West Success always followed – you never could rest Patiently seeking and crafting a life Creating a home full of laughter - no strife (Refrain) Family traits repeat and show Sure of the future – “The Heart Grows” For years we would toil creating our space Unaware of the destiny with Cancers face On the verge of triumph - one step form the wire The angels would grab you – and leave me on fire (Refrain) Family traits repeat and show Bleeding and broken – “The Heart Unfolds” In memories playground – you’re strong and tall Gone is the weakness – the blindness - and all Gone are false visions – delusions you saw Replaced by the memories - of strong and tall Caught in a nightmare - you physically gone I find you at slumber - your smile still on I see you in granddaughter’s eyes, ears, and souls Death Cannot Steal – “What The Heart Knows” Copywright John R. Davis 12/19/05 John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello to every one, I was just reading several of the postings on here in relation to how friends and family – so many people who touch our lives after the death of our loved ones – want us to “move on” – “get over it”. I recently read a book entitled “Grief Steps” by Brook Noel. I had typed out a portion of one chapter for a Grief Group I attend. This seems like an appropriate time to share it all with you. It seems to address this general attitude that so many of us face – and offers some insight into just why we are seeing people around us react the way they have reacted. I hope this helps to at least shed some light on the subject. Here it is: ______________________________________________________________________________ Accepting Change After facing significant loss, it is common to see a shift in our circle of friends. We have faced a profound experience and with that experience comes a new knowledge and a new needs. We often find that we see things in a new or different light, and our needs from/ and for others change with this new vision. Likewise, many friends and acquaintances will not understand the changes we have gone through and wish for the “self” we once were. A member in the Grief Steps support group wrote: “My friends were there for me in the beginning and for that I am grateful. They were all wonderful in those first agonizing days when my son died, but then time went on and some of them expected me to return to my old self. Well, that didn’t happen. Some friends expect us to “get better”. Often they think there is a schedule to follow but grief does not have a timeline, and we each grieve at our own pace…and that pace is usually far longer than our friends (having moved on with their lives, as well they should) have the time or patience for. Some times they can’t relate to the “new person” we have become, and sadly we drift apart.” When we experience loss, we make something very difficult and very sad – very real. If we honor our loss, speak of our loss, and incorporate it into our life (which is healthy, and right to do) it means that those who are around us will be reminded that the loss is real. And can happen to anyone at any time. Many people are ill equipped with the emotions and strength to face that reality. That is why they want us to “get back to normal” – they want us to get back to where they don’t have to look that reality in the eye. But that is a place we cannot go back to – at least not if we choose the healthy path. For this reason, we will shed many friends of notice friendships change. Although I don’t know what experience Joni Mitchell was facing, the lyrics from her song, “Clouds” are very powerful: And now my friends are acting strange They shake their heads, And tell me I’ve changed Well there’s something lost And something gained In living life this way… I’ve looked at life from both sides now, From up above, from near and far And still somehow It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all. I remember after Caleb died, about 3-4 weeks later, my Mom was frustrated about how some of her friends were treating her – how they just “continued on” as if nothing has changed. Their world just continued to rotate, like it was any other day. They had sent their flowers, extended their condolences, and went back to the business of living. She wondered why these people “weren’t there for her anymore.” As we reflected on this together, I brought up several deaths we had witnessed in the past years – deaths where we knew the person, or the surviving family, and we were fairly close. I reminded her how we sent flowers, went to the service, expressed our condolences, and then went on with our lives. When it happens to us – we get a “ticket” to join “a club” with “new eyes” and a “new way of seeing”. The world as it once was, ceases to exist. What we once considered “normal” will never be ours again, and we are forced to adapt and shapes shift to create a “new normal”. Yet when we remain open, we are often led to the very people that hold the same ticket and belong to the same club. And then we can grow together. As an example, you have come to this book. There are many support options suggested throughout this book. If you utilize tem, they can bring you nearer to others who hold the same “ticket”. And they will continue the journey with you. _______________________________________________________________________ I hope this has provided some insight. John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Charlie, Ustwo and KayC, I am so sorry for each of your additional losses. Pets are so important in our lives and I understand the painful sting that this has in each of your lives. Jack and I also suffered the loss of our dear “Dusky” (that’s where my handle comes from) during the course of Jacks 10-month illness. I can still remember having to make the painful to decision to put him to sleep. Jack was in the ICU unit of the hospital at the time – blind – with a brain tumor and not capable of helping me make the decision about Dusky. I was with Dusky - and held him - when he died - I then had to go to the Hospital to tell Jack about our loss. I entered the room – grabbed Jacks hand – asked him how he was – and the first words out of his mouth were “John – what’s wrong your hands are so cold”. I broke down in tears as I told him that Dusky was too sick to save – and he was gone. One-week later Jack came home from the hospital for the second of three times – but this time - there was no Dusky. Eight months later – I was with Jack and held him – as he died. I can remember thinking at the time – I am losing everything in my life that I love. I still think about getting another dog for company. I would love to have another breathing living thing in my home. For some reason I simply have not been able to make the decision one-way or the other – and I’m not sure why? Perhaps it’s just the indecisive attitude that sometimes comes along with grief. Please know that I feel each of your pain at the loss of you pets. I know it is difficult for each of you. I am always here for you whenever you wish to talk. Love and Peace, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KayC, Who would think that green beans would end up having such meaning – and bring on such emotion. I feel your pain and sorrow in every word you have written. You and I are almost the same age and we have lost the dearest part of our lives just when we were about to share all the fruits of our labor. Sometimes that is the hardest thing for me – the lost future – all the years we wanted to spend together growing old. A pain beyond description – I feel for you because I feel the same pain and know exactly what you are feeling. After 6-months I still find little relief from the pain – although I am trying to ensure that Jack is remembered by the way I live my life and the various things I do to memorialize him and keep the “spirit” of who he was alive. WaltC had posted the words to the Titanic theme song on here a few days ago. The verses to that song pretty much say the way I feel – and I am sure the way you feel too. I thought I would post the words again here for all to re-read. Our loved ones remain in our hearts – forever. The words and music are so powerful and speak what I feel – what you feel – what all those feel that have lost their soul mate – their future together. I feel Jack in my heart every day – I will carry him with me forever. George is with you too - in your heart as well. Love like this is so powerful – and that is why our pain is so great – it matches the love we have. The magnitude of our pain is our best reflection and indication of how much we had - how much we lost – but also of what we are capable of feeling. Because I feel such pain – I know the love was great. You and I are better people for having had the joy of George – and Jack – in our lives. I read so many accounts of loss of a mate – a soul mate - on this site and I realize that I am not alone. I find comfort in not only realizing that others are struggling with this pain – but also in knowing that others have also know the same type of wonderful love experience. Thanks again to WaltC for originally posting the words below – I know you carry your Jeannie in your heart every day as well. And to all the visitors of this site who have also lost their love - their soul mate – please know that others feel the same pain as you – but - also remember the tremendous love that caused the pain. Our pain is a testament to the strength our love. Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, That is how I know you go on Far across the distance And spaces between us You have come to show you go on Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on Love can touch us one time And last for a lifetime And never let go till we're one Love was when I loved you One true time I hold to In my life we'll always go on Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on You're here, there's nothing I fear, And I know that my heart will go on We'll stay forever this way You are safe in my heart And my heart will go on and on "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion What greater things is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories ____________________________________________________________________________ My best to you always – May we someday find peace – Bless you – Bless all of you.

Hello to you all, Yesterday was the 6-month anniversary of the death of my partner and best friend – Jack. It was a difficult day to maneuver through but also a day to remember that he is still with me in how I live my life and in what I say and do. He continues on in me. In the past I have made reference to songs/pomes that I hope some day to have published or put to music. In memory of Jack I am going to share one of these pomes/songs I have written as a tribute to him - and to the love we shared – and to provide hope and reassurance that all your loved ones continue on IN YOU as well. Here is my song/poem written on 1-9-06 in honor of “My Jack” – here ya go Baby: “I See You In Myself” Your face I cannot feel or see - but cloths you wore remain The space you filled is all about – but it’s not quite the same What we had then - when you were here - was special and unique What I have now – that you are gone - has left me here to seek I had to clean the memories out - and place them on a shelf My heart – it has been stored away – like a plastic Christmas elf I hope my heart will not grow old there - sitting in the dark The memories that I placed it with – were meant to heal a heart (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I could not bear to see them go – these items that you graced I could not bear to let them stay – I had to find a place The heart that had to watch you die – now had to do the rest With loving hands and broken heart - I pressed them to my chest Pictures - Wallets - Rings and Chains - plus stands of golden locks With tear drops falling on my cheeks - I placed them in that box I slipped in all the memories - of each item that was you And then I took this broken heart - and left that with you too (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf” I know I put that box away – up there upon that nook But somehow I still find you here – in strange places that I look I saw you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The little things you said and did - could not be hidden there To boxes on a shelf so high – my memories are so clear The heart I had so gently placed in boxes – there to rest Had found its way down off that shelf - and back into my chest The you - that moved - and walked - and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” I see you in the mirror staring back at me today A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay The you - that moved and walked and talked – were not up on that shelf That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself” (Refrain) My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You In Myself” Copywrite - John R. Davis – 1/9/06 “Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends.” John – Dusky is my handle on here Jack - I love you - more than you will ever know – lots lots.

Stik40, I am glad you found this site – and I can tell you that you will find great comfort here and people who truly understand your feelings. I am also very sorry about your loss. This is a very long road that you have begun – but always know that here you can find people who understand and are willing to listen. I lost my partner of 27 years to a brain tumor – he lasted 10-months after his diagnoses and 7 surgeries – plus he lost his sight after only three weeks of diagnosis. I can certainly relate to the horrors of brain cancer and what our mates must have endured and the scares that it has left on us. I know this process is very new for you so let me share with you some of the things that have helped me during the 6 months that Jack has been gone. Tomorrow will be half a year since he died. Milestones (like 6 months – 1 month 1 year) are very difficult – and the first year (I am told) is the worst. I have survived by doing the following: 1. Reading a lot of books on grief – I have read 30+ - and I have a list of these book. If you are interested I can send them to you. I have also posted them on here in one of my postings – so you could find the list here as well. There is one book in particular that is very powerful. It is called Grieving Mindfully – By Samett Kumar. Basically it tells how to survive by living your life one moment at a time. I read this book three times and always get something new out of it each time I read it. 2. Journaling – keeping track of what you do each day – actually write it down – If ya have a dream – record it in writing – it will help you and give you something to look back at later. 3. I write – as in poems and songs – it gives me a great deal of comfort to do this. 4. I attend Hospice counseling (one on one) every two weeks and have also joined two different groups. Talking to people helps – You need to be able to talk and tell people about what happened for as long as you want. Remember there is no time limit on how long this process takes – it takes as long as you need it to take. You need to talk about it for as long as you want to. Surround yourself with people who are willing to let you talk. 5. I have done numerous things to help memorialize my partner – like starting a scholarship fund in his name at this High School in Michigan. I will give monies away each year to some one who is going to become a Hairstylist – just like Jack. I am also having two trees planted in the park in Fountain Hills Arizona as a tribute to our lives together – and what he meant to me. I would love to have one of the songs I’ve written eventually put to music – this is a long shot – but I find comfort in writing – so if I succeed great – if not – I will have gain the satisfaction of writing the songs/pomes. Someday I will share some of these on this site. I hope some of this helps you. This is an excellent site – use it and stay in touch. I’m with ya all the way buddy – you hang in there. People care here. My best to you, John – Dusky is my handle on here