Bebekat

Patti, I feel you are the only one that can decide when the time is right to get rid of any of Charlie’s things. I have been able to get rid of some of Tom’s things and only a few of his clothes. For me, his clothes are a big thing. They still have his smell after 11 months (Yes, today is 11 months). Even though I remember his in my mind, I can’t part with them. I wear some for PJ’s and I’m sure I will keep a couple of his favorites when the time is right to get rid of the rest. My question is, do you really need the space in the closet? And if not, what’s the hurry? I miss you Tom.

Thanks kayc. Don't forget that you are also a hero. You have been such a big help to me and others on this site. Yes, we will always love them. They are always with us and always will be. Thanks for being here kayc.

That is beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I know that nothing I say right now will make it any easier. And yes, sometimes it seems overwhelming. You just have to get through one day at a time, baby steps. You have to allow yourself to grieve. I know you don't want to hear that things will get better. You don't want to get over it. Just get through it. This is a good place to come whenever you need to vent. We all know, as no one else knows, what you are going through. We know what it is like to lose your best friend and lover. Just know we are here for you. Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Another new favorite of mine! I listened to Country music only a little before Tom died. He was always trying to get me to listen to more of it. For some reason, now I find myself listening more often. Just another of those strange coincidences?

This is one of my new favorite songs. I cry every time I hear it especially the line, "I'll stand forever in the light of his amazing grace." I believe that's where Tom and your Jeannie are now. Thank you.

Thanks Walt!! Once again, you have brought a smile to my face. That's one of my favorite songs! It actually turned out to be a better day than I anticipated.

Walt, I look foreward to reading your posts. You always find the right song to go with your post. I'm amazed. It's a form of art; a gift. You have always been there for me. I know it's very hard sometimes, but we are here for you. We need you.

Tomorrow is my son’s birthday. He will be 21 years old. We will not celebrate tomorrow because he is away at college. This makes me sad. But something else has been bothering me and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. Today is a bridal shower. Not just any bridal shower but one for my soon to be daughter-in-law, the daughter we never had. I am running around trying to get things ready because while we women folk are at the shower, the men folk are coming over here to hang out. I just need to finish cooking some food and then get myself ready to go. Something nagging…and then it dawns on me. It was 21 years ago that Tom and I had our famous 1st annual Poker Party and get together. Little did we know that it was our last because people grow older and get on with their everyday lives? I remember cleaning until the house was sparkling. I was the official DJ. That was when you still played albums on a turntable. It was great fun and after everyone left I started having labor pains. Not frequent enough to alarm Tom, I cleaned up and we went to bed. I didn’t get much sleep but when the pains got more frequent around 7 am I woke Tom. I called my folks and had them meet us at the hospital so that someone could watch our other son. The Doctors told me the baby was breech and I would need a c-section. Tom was wonderful and went into the delivery room with me to hold my hand. We were so happy when they brought our son to us. So here is another first, his first birthday without his Dad. Tom would be so proud of his boys. It just hurts so much to know that he won’t be here in person this afternoon to sit with the guys, to watch sports and eat. I need to stop now and start putting on my happy face. I can’t rain on their joy. I will always love you Tom, my husband, my friend.

Walt, I'm afraid he was a little before my time but the song is beautiful. I really love the line "I see paradise Within your dreamy eyes." I can see why it was a favorite waltz. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I am so grateful for this site. Thanks

Hang on to those memories. Someday they may bring a smile to your lips instead of tears to your eyes. We had a thing about PEEPS. Tom always gave me his Peeps, the bunny ones, and I would give him my whopper eggs. It was a kind of game to ask each other for the candy the other didn't want. We were just like two little kids, I guess. It’s funny, I hadn’t even thought about the Easter rituals until you mentioned the peeps. Who’s going to fill the plastic eggs with coins this year and hide them? Oh, here I go crying again….

I think it would be very comforting to the family of the young man who died if you did let them know he was not alone. I don't think you would be intruding. I think they would love to know that someone cared enough to be with him. Perhaps if you are not comfortable meeting them face to face, you could write them a letter. I hope this helps you find some peace.

You're so right, 25 sentences of truth. I can really relate to number 6, and number 4, and ... all of them!!

Sometimes, just for a brief second or two, I still think in the back of my mind that this is all some horrible, horrible dream. I just need to wake up and it will all go away. Thursday was an awful day at work. It actually all started the night before driving home from work. There was a song on the radio; I don’t even know what it was, but I started crying. I got home, took care of the evening chores and decided to check this board. That was the evening Kayc started the discussion “To All Those With Fresh Losses.” Again, there I was, crying my eyes out. So, I decided to sit and watch the rest of “Crash” for the second time. Bad choice, I was again reduced to tears. So, I went to bed. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got a few hours of sleep. The next morning I went to work. My confidant there was assigned to work in another area, so I didn’t even get to talk to her. I couldn’t seem to be nice to anyone. I work in a high stress ICU environment. There is never enough help. Everything is critical and I was angry. Before going home, I apologized to my co-workers for being a witch with a “b”. They agreed I had been. This morning I got a call at 5am asking if I could come in to work. I said no. I know they are short. I know how hard it is; yet I can’t seem to help. I can’t say yes and I feel guilty. How can I help anyone else if I can’t hold it together myself? I can’t ask to be assigned to another area because the ICU is my comfort level. I can’t take time off as I’m only working two 12-hour days a week now. I volunteered to work 8 hours tomorrow more to relieve my guilt than anything else. I feel like I’m going nuts. Is it that I just don’t care anymore about anyone but me? Do I still feel like whole medical community is just a lie? Do I not care to get too close to the patients because some of them are just going to die? I never was that way before. Tom would be the first person to tell me that I need to not be so hard on myself and try to relax, but he’s not here. And that’s really what keeps this thing going and going. He’s not here to help me laugh it off. I just don’t know anymore…anything. Some days are just bad and I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening. All my love Tom

Walt, (((((HUGS))))) right back at ya!!!!

Kayc, WaltC, Dusky, Thank you for your wonderful insights. You have all done such a wonderful job, putting your feelings into words; something I am not very good at. When I read your posts I hear myself say, “yes, yes, that’s it, that’s what I feel, that’s what I would like to say.” You are all such wonderful people. I think I would have gone crazy already if not for this site. Thank you, thank you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tom, Never forget I love you.

It sometimes helps just to get things off your chest. Even though I don't always reply, I read the new posts. I'm sorry for your loss. You've had so much to deal with. Keep writing. It will at least get some of the thoughts out of your head. It may also relieve some of the stress you're feeling. I hope you can find some peace with it.

Deborah, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. It's been 10 months since I lost my husband. I know what you are going through. It seems so hard and and not worth getting through the day. It feels like the end of the world. I know you can't believe it right now, but it will get better. Not all at once, but just a tiny bit each day. Let the tears fall down your face. Don't hold back. Your love for your Larry will always be there, don't be ashamed. Others may not "get it", but we do and we are here whenever you need to get it off your chest. It's hard, but we will try to help you.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story! I'm glad your reflections are of the happy times you and Jack had. It's amazing that one little popcorn seed can mean so much. You seem to be doing so well, I only hope to be at that point at 18 months of my grief journey. Your story and poetry brought a smile to my face. I could just picture it so well. You will transcend this, you are well on your way.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer, so I can understand what you went through. He died within 5 months of his diagnosis. He was at home & I was his caretaker for most of the illness. He died here at home, just as he wanted. He too looked very bad at the end but his mind was still there until the last morning. No one should have to go through that. This is a good place to come to any time you'd like. We are here to listen.

Thanks for the list Dusky. Reading also helps me. You an angel.

Thanks, I'll add that one to my list.

Walt, Grace is so right. You always have the right song to send. They always bring tears to my eyes. Ahh...the memories. May they last forever.

Hi Vivian, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This is the perfect place to come and let your feelings out. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I miss him so. I too, never went to chat rooms or anything like that. In fact it took me 6 months just to find this site and write. You are never prepared for it. I recently finished reading “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. I highly recommend it, if not now, maybe later when you can think clearer. This is from her book: “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death.…. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place…. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” She wrote this book during the year following her husband’s sudden death. I felt that she was able to put so well to paper, her feelings; some of my feelings. My husband was mentally there until the morning he died. When I saw him that morning, I told him that I wasn’t ready. Of course, he had made his peace, and was ready to go. I was the selfish one I wanted more time. He was kind enough to wait until his brother came over and I stepped out to the store for a minute. I think we all wonder if there was more we could have done. People that have not experienced it cannot understand what we go through. We are all here to try and help each other find peace with our grief. Another excellent book is "Healing After Loss", by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I find it helps me get through my day.