Bebekat

Hi, I didn't lose a parent, I lost my spouse almost 10 months ago. I just couldn't help replying to this post. I have a star pendant that contains some of my husband's ashes. I wear it around my neck on a chain with my wedding ring. That way I can keep him close to my heart. I was offered this option when I had him cremated. My soon-to-be daughter-in-law thought this was such a wonderful idea she got a pendant to have some of her dad's ashes put in. She will wear it on her wedding day so he can "walk her down the aisle". She said that she googled "berevement jewelry" and found several sites for them. As for keeping some of the ashes, I kept half, and they will be spread with mine when I pass on. The other half we spread in an area that my husband loved to take the boys camping. We made up our own little ceremony, something that meant something to us. Yes, it was a sad event, but my boys found comfort in it. They know it would make their dad happy. Don't worry, there is nothing weird about whatever you choose to do. After all, it's your loss, not your friends.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Yeah, it gets pretty lonely doesn't it? I think the hardest time for me is in the evenings; there is no one to talk to after a hard day. It's hard to be around people, especially those that knew both of you. They are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Maybe because they realize that it could even happen to them. And it scares them so. For me, it’s hard to have a conversation and not have it turn to some memory of my Tom; I shared so much with him. The question for me to meeting new people seems to be where. Where do you go to meet new people? People that you want to have a friendship with. I know that going to a professional and admitting there is a problem is a real problem in itself. Who wants that? You say that you felt better when you had dog classes. That’s something to look forward to. It will help occupy your mind part of the time. Nothing will ever make you forget… and you don’t want to really forget, do you? I hope the dog classes help…..

Thanks everyone for your input. Oddly enough, I did find some comfort in the dream. I started a journal of dreams or whatever. This isn't the first time I've started one, but, I'm not a big writer, so I hope I will be able to contribute something to it. I’m glad we see them in a healthy body, that’s the way I really want to remember Tom. In a way, I would like to erase the memory of how he looked before he died. It pains me so to remember him this way. But it is also the last time I got to see him, so I can never wish that away. Pleasant dreams everyone………

Hi everyone, Not really sure if this the correct place for this, but I’m interested in your feedback. I don’t usually have dreams, don’t know why, but when I do, they are usually vivid dreams. I had one the other night and I keep thinking about it. Here goes…. We were in an enormous house (I’ve dreamt of this house before, many times over the years). Tom was his old healthy self, with the beautiful blond hair of his youth. We, all our relatives, were preparing food for a huge party. When my son asked what the party was for, I replied “Don’t you remember, Tom’s being baptized?” I knew this was silly when I said it, but I believed it. While others kept preparing, I went to another, closed off portion of the house, to search for a dresser that I could put my things in. I came back and told Tom that I couldn’t find a dresser in the whole upper areas of the house. He just kind of laughed at me in his usual way, as if to say, “What’s the big deal?” I was still a little annoyed. That’s about it. My interpretation is this. The house represents our home when we leave this earth, that’s why it’s so large. The baptism symbolizes his acceptance to heaven; all our relatives were there. The fact that he was healthy, happy, and young, is his way of telling me that he’s OK. Now the fact that there are closed off areas of the house and no dresser available for me says to me that I can’t stay. It’s not my time and I must go after the celebration. This makes me sad because I have to wait to be with him.

Thanks Marty, I'll try that from now on. It helped just to get that off my chest. Again, thanks.

I typed a post and wanted to bold a word, so I clicked bold. The entire text went bold. So, thinking that if I click The B again it will undo what I just did. No way. I ended up with a "/B" in brackets. What does that mean? Can I get my original text back? It's just very frustrating to put so much thought and energy into something and then have it lost in cyberspace. I'm not someone that has an easy time putting my thoughts into words. This is not the first time it has happened either. Sorry for venting, but I had put some real thought and emotion into that reply.

Well I had a big reply here, but when I hit bold, I lost it all. Don't know how to get it back. Sorry

Walt, That was beautiful! I have to believe it is true. It's the only thing that really keeps me going. It's so hard to have that faith, but your Jeannie is with you always. I can tell from your posts that you love her so much and miss her dearly. Please try to hang in there. They say it will get better....but I don't know. Thank you so much for that message. It reminded me to look for the positive today.

Hi Dusky, You're right about the roller coaster. When will it stop. For me it's been 9 months since I lost Tom. I seemed to do better at 6 months. I also can't seem to dig myself out. It's not just the crying, it's the depression that comes with it. I keep telling myself that maybe it will be better tomorrow. I lie and tell others that I am doing fine, yet I don't even want to be around anyone if I don't have to. At least you get to see him in your dreams. I don't seem to have many dreams, at least none that I remember. And, I sleep more than enough. It is a great comfort, knowing you can come here any time--write whatever you want-- and not be judged by anyone. We are all here for you. Kathy -- Bebekat here

Happy Valentines Day Tom. I still miss you so much, but I'm trying to heal. Remember how we talked about me moving on with my life. I just can't seem to do it. I seem to be isolating myself more. I guess I just lke my own company better. I went out and bought myself a dozen roses. It was like you picked them out for me. They didn't have purple roses, so you picked out some with red and white petals. They're beautiful. "I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say." See you in my dreams. My Tommy Boy, Your Bebekat

Dusky, What a wonderful tribute to your Jack. The last line is so beautiful. We can all relate to it. "Death cannot steal "What the heart knows"" I do believe that Jack is smiling down on you right now... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love ya Tom, Your Bebekat

Hi there. I think your idea is wonderful, it is after all your birthday. And, it is after all your grief. I can kinda understand how your friends don't like the idea because it won't be a "party". But, like you said, you don't really fell like celebrating. Of course your friends don't understand! How on earth could they? Unless of course they had been through the same thing. In that case, I don't think they would be so fast to tell you how you should feel, act, or honor your loved one. If this is what you want, and is what she would have wanted, do it. Don't ever feel guilty, embarrassed, or feel you need to apologize for loving so much. And really, if they don't understand........... Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but no one can tell you how and when to greive. I guess for me, my real friends will understand when I tell them to back off. They will be there when I am finally ready to be a little more social. It will never be the same as it was before. I just have to keep taking those baby steps and maybe it will be a tiny bit more bearable. Love Ya Tom, Forever and ever (11/19/54 - 5/4/05)

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you had a wonderful relationship. I'm glad you found this site, there are so many wonderful people here to talk to. We all belong to the club that no one wanted to join. Anytime you want to write, we are here to listen. We don't always reply, but just writing things down or reading posts seems to help me. You willl always love your Babers, it's just different now. It's been eight months since I lost my husband, yet it seems like just yesterday. Just wanted to let you know....

Walt, I picked up a copy of Healing After Loss and have found it to be helpful. I read the entry for Jan 24 and I'm really sorry that you found it to be disturbing. My perspective is a little different. Maybe because I work in a hospital we see things differently. I find laughter to be somewhat of a stress reliever. Sometimes people, especially during a stressful situation, find things to laugh at that would seem disrespectful to others. It is in no way intended that way. It is a coping mechanism, a way to keep doing what we need to do to care fo others, without going completely bonkers. That said, there were many times during Tom's illness that he would laugh about things that weren't normally funny and I would laugh right along with him. He also enjoyed when visitors would make him laugh. Sometimes you have to look for the good in the midst of the overwhelming bad. No, there is no humor in grief. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could have had "just a little more time". I cherish every moment we had, even the bad ones. Did you read the message for today? She writes about desolation. "It is a world we do not want to enter, a world for which we have no hunger. We would turn from it if we could. Yet we find ourselves in it......The world of desolation is a world that calls many of us. There is no going around it." Some days are just very, very bad. I hope you have a better week. Tommy's Girl, Kathy (Bebekat)

I'll be working on Valentines Day also. I don't know how I will handle it. In a way, I hope I am so busy I don't have time to think about it. Thanks for being here.

Not very sensitive of your choir director. At least that's my opinion. I haven't even thought of Valentines Day. My little way of avoiding it. I have the card that Tom got me last year sitting next to my bed. It's the last card he ever got me, so I don't know if I will ever throw it away. There have been, and there are still, events that I have not attended because it just doesn't seem right. I don't care what people think and if anyone has a problem with it, too bad. That's not to say I'm rude, I just have to go with what I'm feeling at that moment. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it is something you will need to decide for yourself. If it hurts too much...You don't need to "make a show" for anyone. It is your grief and that's OK. Sometimes we just can't keep an upbeat attitude. It's hard...and we hurt.

"Martha writes that “the possibility, after a while, of taking continuing joy not only in the reminiscences from the past, but in the extension of the person’s spirit into our ongoing lives.” She concludes with the wonderful thought – “Into the nebulous, ongoing mystery of life I welcome, as if through an open door, the continuing spirit of the one I have loved” To that I would just add – “and will continue to love forever! " Thank you Walt for sharing. That is beautiful. I may have to check out that book for myself. I really enjoy reading your posts. I seem to have hit a slump lately. It's been eight months since Tom died. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything that is not absolutely necessary. The memories are deafening! The worst is dinner time. That was our one priority, dinner together. Now I just avoid dinner. Just a little snack, and something to keep me busy at that time. One day at a time.......... Tom...Love ya babe, K

What helped me in 2005? Such a deep question. I don't think it was one big thing, but all the little things added up. This website for one helped. I t took me so long to join, first site problems, then my own issues. It has bee a great help to get things off my chest and out in the open or to read others' stories. My new found friends here help. Another thing I am grateful for is all my friends and my family that have been so supportive of me. My job was also extremely supportive. My sons have been the best, I couldn't have asked for better. I have been truly blessed. I have not always been a religious person. But I have always been a spiritual person. I have found comfort in the books written by James Van Praugh(sp?), John Edwards, and to some extent Sylvia Brown. I believe they have been given these gifts from God to help us. I believe we are sent sent to earth to learn lessons and then we get to go home. I believe that my Tom will be waiting for me when it's my turn to go home. This has helped a lot! I know he is still with me, always. I also started attending church again. Not sure which one I will stick with, but I love to sing praises. It makes my soul feel so good! Yes, I still wonder every day, how have I survived this long without him. Love ya Tom, K

I'm glad you have found walking to be helpful. Even though your Jean has died, she will always be with you. You will always love her. You will always miss her. Don't ever be ashamed of that. It's just different now. I want you to know that even though I don't write often, I read the new posts daily. Just know that I understand how you feel. I just tend to be a quiet person who doesn't always have something to say. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Dayna, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. First, I want to say that nobody "deserves what they get". I believe that addiction is truly an illness, no matter what the addiction is to. People don't have any right to judge...but they do. I've gotten the same look from people when I mention that my husband had hepatitis C. The fact remains that he was your father and you loved him. You still love him, that will never change. We all have our problems. Be cautious of the people that appear to be perfect. They are just better at hiding their issues. You're dad was too young to die and like him, my husband will never meet his grandchildren, or play with them. It's just not fair and it hurts, a lot. I hope you will be able to find some comfort in your good memories.

I guess the pain really never goes away. We just learn to live with/through it. I'm sorry you're missing your husband so much. I know I'm missing mine right now. It's nice that you could write a little something in honor of him. I think he would like that.

Yeah, I guess last night I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head. Last year Tom was so sick we didn't even thnk about New Years. We still had hope. There were still options. They still didn't know if it was really cancer. We were going to beat it. I'm gald you were able to go to the cemetry. Like you, I find myself putting things in odd places only to find them sometime later. Unfortunately, I don't ever forget to eat. In fact, I eat to comfort myself. And I can't seem to wake up! ...Maybe I'll see him in my dreams...

This seems to be a good place to start to hea because we DO know what you are going through. Sometimes it helps just to read others' posts. Other times I can try to send a comforting word or two. Welcome to the club that nobody wanted to belong to. Your loss is so overwhelming, to lose so many in a few days time. Sometimes it helps just to write and get your feelings out into the open. I hope you can find some peace here.

Here's to everyone out there. Happy New Year. I can't believe that its's New Years Eve and here I am, alone for the first time in 48 years. In years past, Tom and I didn't go to parties. We stayed home. Sometimes we would busy ourselves making traditional New Years dishes. He was the cook, I was the baker. We would stay up until midnight, of course, and watch the ball drop on TV. Two years ago we decided to do something different. It's about a 5 hour drive to the mountain where we like to ski. So, we took one of our boys and my Dad and drove up north. When we arrived at the cabin we had borrowed for the weekend, it was late. The power in the area had gone out. So, we made an adventure out of it. No heat, no problem, we soon had the wood burning stove blazing. Being a desert rat, I had no experience with cold weather. It was fun cooking dinner on that stove. It was kinda like camping. There is something truly spiritual about that mountain and skiing out there. It was one of the best New Years Day I ever had. Since I work in a hospital, I don't always get holidays off. Tomorrow I have to go to work at 6 am, so I will be retiring early. I've been around a lot of death in my life, 25 years at the hospital. You'd think I would be able to handle this better than I have. People at work always say things like, "Wouldn't it be so horrible to lose a loved one during the holidays?", or "How sad, now they will always have Christmas ruined because their loved one died on/near it" Well, now I just want to say something back, like "It's not ruined because they died on the holiday, it's ruined because they died." I have told several people about this forum and how I feel it helps me. One woman at work lost her husband several years ago and still has a hard time with it. Another friend just lost her mother to emphysema after years of struggle. One of our coworkers had the nerve to ask her if it made her feel better to know that her mother had brought it on herself by smoking. It must be nice to be perfect. My husband died from pancreatic cancer and cerrhosis of the liver. They think it was brought on by Hepatitis C. He was diagnosed with that at the same time as the cancer and liver disease. Yes, he made some bad choices in his youth. But he changed, and was a better person for the last 25 years. He had been happy and healthy (so we thought ) for all those years. IT'S NOT FAIR!! So how do I feel? Do I feel better knowing he "brought it on himself"? No, I am angry, and sad, and don't have a whole lot of faith in medicine right now. I have been a Respiratory Therapist for 25 years. I have been taking classes, one at a time, to get my RN degree for the last 5 years. I'm 5 classes short and right now don't know if I want to continue. It's so hard, I can't help relating everything to Tom and his illness. The only thing that is making me not quit right now is knowing that I might be able to help others. Maybe not heal them, but just be there......but first I need to get through this. Forgive my rambling. I can't believe I went and got a puppy for Christmas. Now I have two dogs. The dogs were always Tom's thing. He trained them. They were his and his Gwen has been so lonely without him. I guess I thought they could keep each other company. I don't know what I was thinking. One night I begged him. I said, "Tom, babe, I could really use your help with this." It seems to help. I don't know how, but I have found resources or "just known" what to do...so far. I can't believe there haven't been any posts today. Are you out there? Are you OK? Is it OK to be just OK? Happy New Year Baby, Love ya!!

I'm sorry to sound so cliche, but I take it one day at a time. It is so hard to lose your best friend and all your plans for the future together. It's been almost 8 months since my husband died. The week before Christmas, and up until yesterday, was awful for me. I cried constantly and didn't get out of bed much. Then Wednesday and yesterday I couldn't put away the Christmas stuff fast enough. I was just so glad to be done with it. I keep replaying the last week of Tom's life in my head. I will always be grateful for being able to have him home at the end, with dignity. I know he is at peace. I'm the one suffering now, but nothing can compare to the suffering he went through. It is so good to know that I am not alone and can come here any time to just write what I am feeling. Take care of yourself....baby steps.