Bebekat

I'm not too sure either how to survive this. My house is also very quiet. Early this morning I put my younger son on a plane back to school. He only had a week at home because he plays on the basketball team. I called in sick today, couldn't deal with it. I'm not sure if I'm more sick from a cold or this hole in my heart. I know I need to snap out of it, but it's really hard. I have been dealing with this in an unhealthy way. It seems better to just stay numb. For Christmas my older son made a DVD for our family. He dedicated a section of it to his Dad. It is a true work of art to the tune of "What a Wonderful World". I have watched it at least 6 times and each time I cry my eyes out. I've been talking to my Tom all day today. I can only pray for a better day tomorrow.

I can see that you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother to cancer. It's been 7 months since I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. He was 50. It's such a horrible way to die. Where are all those cures they keep promising us? This grief thing is such an emotional roller coaster. Some days you're fine one minute, and a basket case the next. It seems you and your mother had a great, loving relationship. I hope you find some peace in the posts on this site. For me, it sometimes helps just to read others' thoughts. For instance, here it is Christmas morning and I'm on this site. Right now, it seems the right thing to do. I don't think the pain will ever go away, but I'll learn to live with it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Merry Christmas Baby!! Love ya Tom, Always your Bebekat

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone here for being so thoughtful. It has helped me more than you will ever know. just to know there is someone out there who feels my pain. Hold on to your memories. May they bring peace this holiday season. Whatever your beliefs of this season may be, may the spirit be with you to guide you through it. I think we're in for a warm one again here in Phoenix. No white Christmas for us. Hope you all have a great holiday. Love ya Tom, Your Bebekat Sorry for the duplicate. I wanted to post this here.

Hey, if you can't vent here, where can you vent. That's what we're here for. Sorry about your ornament. Yeah, it seems like just one more insult to the injury sometimes.

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone here for being so thoughtful. It has helped me more than you will ever know. just to know there is someone out there who feels my pain. Hold on to your memories. May they bring peace this holiday season. Whatever your beliefs of this season may be, may the spirit be with you to guide you through it. I think we're in for a warm one again here in Phoenix. No white Christmas for us. Hope you all have a great holiday. Love ya Tom, Your Bebekat

Thank you Walt.

I'm glad you found this site. It has a been a great comfort to me knowing I can come here any time and there are others who know what I am going through. We're the only ones that seem to "get it". The others want us to get over it. I am so sorry for your loss.

I thought it might help me get through this holiday if I could write a little something down. So, I wrote a Christmas letter to Tom and I wanted to share it with you. Merry Christmas Baby, It is with a heavy heart I go through the motions of the Holidays. How do I begin to express my feelings about the first Christmas we will spend apart in 27 years? My heart aches for you so much. Remember how you were always the one not in the spirit at first. With your own family so far away, you always were melancholy for a couple of weeks after Thanksgiving. We never made it back East for the holidays, even though we always intended to. Then, one day you would come home and ask, “Aren’t you going to do Christmas this year?” Of course, I was just waiting for that signal to “go”. You would pull out all the decorations and lights, and before I knew it you were on a roll. Remember how we would stay up one night and bake cookies. Of course, you were Supervisor in Charge of Decorating the Cut-out Cookies. You and the boys would have a blast seeing who could be the most exotic decorator. Remember the tree and how it just wasn’t done until “Jack Frost” was in the perfect spot. Remember how the Angel and Star had to be on top. Remember all the late Christmas Eve’s we would be up all night putting toys together. I think you had as much fun as the kids had playing with them. Remember how on Christmas morning, we’d put those silly antlers or Santa hat on the dogs. Remember how you would always leave one present unopened until Christmas night. That drove me nuts!! I think that’s why you did it. Well, this Christmas is different. I can’t bring myself to play the old Christmas CDs. Decorations, tree, lights, baking.... none of this would have gotten done if it hadn’t been for the boys. You would be....I know you are so proud of them. They have become wonderful young men. I know they must be hurting too, but they don’t say much about it. I know things weren’t always perfect. What marriage is? We passed all the tests and the final one just made our love stronger. You are truly my “Love Story”. No one else will measure up or ever be good enough. I know you are out there. I know we will be together again. Until then, Always your Bebekat

"... I had one wish, that he gets well. He didn't. He died. I don't have any wishes now. Nothing else matters anymore ... How different it all was a year ago. When I still had faith. When I still believed he would be alright. When I still had so much hope - and felt alive ..." I couldn't have put it any better. The rest of the world wants us to get over it and enjoy the holidays! This seems to be more for their sake than ours. They don't want us to bring them down. I am truly sorry for your loss. And yes, I do know how you feel.

What we need and have is this forum. Where we can cry and reach out to others that feel our pain. It's true, our friends want us to be "over it" and be strong. We are strong! We have gone through so much. It has helped me so much to just read posts and reply when I feel moved to do so. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being there. Here's loving you Tom.

Beautifully stated Dusky. I never thought of grief as a gift, but now see that as a gift we all are giving this year and always. Love you until the end of time Babe.

Thank you Walt. This is something I really need right now. When I can't seem to figure out how the world keeps going on without my Tom. Forever yours Tom

I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my sincere sympathy. Today is the first day I have felt like posting here. I only hope it helps to ease some of the pain I'm feeling. I hope it will also help you to get your thoughts out of your head.

I don't know if there is a "proper" time frame for a memorial. Since you have been left to make the arrangements, whatever you want to do will be right. There is no right or wrong to this whole grief thing. Who knows, maybe you will feel like doing it sooner than you think.

Wow! I feel that.

You are not alone. I was just talking with one of my boys. He said that he can't seem to get in the holiday spirit. It's going to be a very hard first to get past. If I had only known last Christmas would be our last one together. We were going to beat that cancer, but it spread like wildfire and took him within 5 months. I miss you so much Tom.

You are so incredibly lucky to have those tapes! How I envy you. I so wish I had anything with Tom's voice recorded. I would treasure it, and listen to it often. I am so afraid I will forget what his voice sounded like. I will have to rely on my memories. I'll see you in my dreams babe*.