Boo Mayhew

Well done, I'm very proud of you. How far have you got to go now? What day are you actually doing the ashes, as I would like to say a prayer for him and for you on that day. Big squeeze Boo xx

I agree with Kay. I think I was fearing FOR you!!!! And only you know what you can do, and only you can make this decision. I loved what Leeann wrote actually and it inspired me to do stuff too!!!!!! NotCoping, just wanted to say again, that my heart will be with you and I hope that you are EXTREMELY proud of yourself when you do this xxx

NotCoping Yes, I have cried so hard that I think I am going to go over some kind of border/barrier ... something intangible - and I would describe it as animal or primal instinct/feelings. It is frightening because it is fear of the unknown. You have never cried that hard before, you have never felt like this before, you feel alone and scared. You question if you are going to lose your sanity. You wonder if you will ever stop crying. What frightens me is I don't give a sh1t these days and that is not in my normal style! But after a good session of this, there is a sense of release and you've learned a little more, you've got a bit more "out". Yes, people have let me down. The problem is that they don't understand how fixated we are on our plans. I find it hard enough to figure out what I am going to do from day to day. It takes effort and energy to do this. So when you invest the little energy you have and manage to focus your mind for long enough to so, then gain commitment from someone to help you perhaps, and they let you down, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL TO YOU/US and a tiny deal to them. I have explained this to the two friends who help me the most, and found that the GUILT FACTOR WORKS BETTER THAN SOUNDING OFF AT THEM ;-) As for the others, I just think, oh well, they don't know and how can they know? It's that simple to me, THEY DON'T KNOW. I am being very mercenary with my feelings on this and with them, but it's the real friends that matter, not the surplus ones. My one question to you is, who is "driving/deciding" the date and the arrangements? Is it because you promised him when you were talking to him out loud, or before he died? Or did you just decide and feel that you will have failed if you don't do it? ... if there is one thing that I have learned so far, it is this. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Don't push yourself too hard or you can go backwards, and lose even more confidence. Start small. I have accomplished some tiny tiny things, such as: reading my gas and electric meters, dealing with a couple of bills. And am VERY proud of myself, and proudly told anyone who would listen that I had done these things. When I went to get a new car, I thought, jeez I am not thinking straight, who do I know that has the skills I need for this mission? The answer was: one of my Managers at work who is really analytical. He actually spoke on the phone for 20 minutes to the salesman and the finance guy at the car dealership while I sat there like a child, mute!!! It was like having my Dad on the phone. Did I care? No! I calmly told them that I would speak to my manager when I got home, and then call them with my decision and walked out of there as if it were normal. Their reaction was one that is alien to them too ... they said I must be well thought of at work and they are still treating me like a child which I don't mind because it is with the best intentions. What I am trying to convey to you is that if you must go, why? Answer this objectively. Then if you still must go because of logistical reasons, ensure you take a sat-nav (tom-tom) with you so that you are calm. If you don't have one, ask someone to loan you theirs. It's good to take your dog. Could you fly there? It may be cheaper? It may be that it would take less time than driving which might mean someone could come with you. Explore all the avenues. I can promise you this ... if there is not a solid reason for this trip NOW, he will understand if you delay it. He wouldn't have put you under this pressure, alone, frightened when he was alive, and therefore he would not want you to put yourself under this pressure unnecessarily. Another thing: if you have told people that you are going and therefore don't want to back out and admit "defeat", don't worry about that either. It takes a stronger bigger person to admit that they are not ready and you should be proud of that too. They won't think any less of you, that's for sure. My heart is with you ... I wish I were closer as I would come with you myself Let us know how you get on, and what you decide to do.

NotCoping, my eyes filled with tears when I opened the link. I think it is a beautiful spiritual place. I send you courage and strength for your journey and will be thinking of you. Drive carefully and I'm sure that you will surprise yourself, finding that you can do the drive, and you can do the hotel room alone with your dog. Please let us know how you are getting on if you can. Boo xxx

Your boss should not be allowed to manage people. He sounds like the Manager in The Office on TV. I think you get a US version of the TV series over there? Ridiculous. He should be ashamed of himself and he's lucky you didn't rock up to HR in floods of tears.

LOL. There's nothing I can say to that. Astonishing!!!! I have to add this to my blog (without your name of course) if you will give me permission.

Hi Gatorman For once, I am wordless. Thank you. I too found the NOVA piece reassuring. Thanks for your prayers, sending you a hug, Boo

Hi everyone thanks so much for all your kind messages and I am really glad that you think it will help others. Mrs PapaJohn - thank goodness it has helped your family understand the terrible place you are in at the moment. I would agree with the comment you got, strange that he listened to a stranger rather than you, but families do that I guess. I'm finding it very helpful to write. I just sit there and it gushes out of me without any thought or preparation, however when I read it back I find it incredibly hard and so emotional. Extremely tired when I have read any of it!!! I promise to keep it up. I have a couple of posts to upload - they are on a memory stick, so will get it on there asap. Then I will have nearly caught up with myself time-wise and can blog in real-time. thanks so much for your encouragement, it is so so appreciated, Booxxxx

Hi Kay it sounds like you were very vulnerable when you remarried, and I can imagine that this feeling of loneliness and wanting normalcy could EASILY drive you into someone else's arms. On top of it to lose your job was enough to push you into having a nervous breakdown I would have thought. So, on top of losing your world you have had to contend with gaining a new husband who is NOTHING like your real husband and having to change jobs. It's so sad that when we are at our lowest and neediest that there are some nasty people out there who will take advantage of that. All I can say is that I wouldn't want to be your second husband ... he'll have to face your real husband one day. I honestly believe that I am very lucky that I have Cliff's friends who are incredibly protective towards me, but they live an hour away and cannot be with me 24/7, which means that I am having to think CONSTANTLY, "What would he do, what would he think, what would he say" and it is EXHAUSTING isn't it? Hugs,

Hi you "oldsters" ... I don't feel that I am qualified to add any words of comfort here as I am only nearing 3 months and therefore only a "rookie", but I will share some words of comfort that my friend told me. She said that in the beginning you feel like you have a big empty hole inside you that comes from your loss. Then after a few years and many oceans of tears, you realize that the big empty hole that used to be filled with pain is still there, but it is filled with love instead. And it is the love that you shared and the love that you have for that person that does this. That's how she describes her journey of bereavement, and I liked the way she put it nice and simple for me. The other thing I wanted to say was thank you actually. Thank you for watching over us rookies and helping us, even when you are still hurting. It means that you are very special to me. xx

Hello my friends I have just started a blog because my counsellor thinks that it will help me. There are only a couple of entries on there so far, and I need to figure out how to upload stuff to make it a little more interesting, but if you want to check it out, please feel welcome to The beginning was tough-going because I had to re-live every second of Cliff dying, but I feel much better now that I have done it. A sense of release, rather than relief. Therefore it starts in a dark place, but should progress to dark humour and plenty of British sarcasm in the coming weeks. I'm writing the blog for me initially, but my secret wish is that eventually it may help others in our situation in the future, so feel free to pass on the link if you want to. http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/

Hi again, yes I completely relate to what you said. I have lists and more lists. Reminders on my calendar at work and on my cellphone too. I can be speaking and mid-sentence and then I have to ask what I am talking about too. What used to take me 5 minutes can now take an hour. I spent 5 whole days on my sofa with my dogs and only stood up to pee or grab another coke out of the fridge, or to let the dogs go out to pee or to feed them. I didn't answer the phone unless they rang my cell because I didn't want to bother to stand up. I didn't brush my teeth or my hair for those five days, or change the PJs that I was wearing. Ignored the door too. All I did was cry and sleep and stare and speak to Cliff out loud. On the last day I thought he'd be getting a little concerned with me by now and thought about what he'd do and say. And then I knew that I had to stand up, clean up the collection of coke cans and overflowing ashtrays, air the house and take a shower. I've promised Cliff I won't do a whole 5 days again, but promised myself that I can take a 24 hour session like that whenever I want to. I've also forgotten most colleague's surnames and half of my vocabulary seems to have completely disappeared. Guess our brains are getting rid of the surplus crap that they hold so that they can focus on processing the horrific trauma that we have gone through - being widowed. You have the right to have a day like that. Rest, cry and remember how much love you have with him. Just because a person goes (dies) doesn't mean that the love goes. It's still there. Big hug,

Thanks everyone, I feel like you are all part of my extended family now, even though I will never meet you in person! This board means so much to me and so do all your posts and replies. Hugs

Thanks so much Fred, I thought I had replied to you earlier, but I must have pressed the "preview" button instead of "post reply"! Thanks for sending your warm words of reassurance. I feel like the world is an ugly place right now, but then I receive a message like yours and it's like a tiny glimmer of light is struggling to shine through the darkness and I realize that one day, slowly I will be able to look at the world and see the beauty again. I totally agree with your sentiments and then I thought on it some more and remembered that when I first joined the board, I strayed onto the "parents" and "pets" areas desperately searching for some enlightenment, help or something (I didn't know what I was looking for and it took a while for it to dawn on me that I wasn't going to find it ... it's a journey that I have to go on). Anyhow, what I am trying to say is I guess others will do what I did, so my learning from this is not to feel bad, and make the most of this permission that you are automatically awarded when you lose your husband/wife to be selfish and say what you feel etc, BUT to read the post before I click on "post reply" and just ask myself one thing. Could what I have written hurt someone who is already hurting beyond what anyone should have to endure. If I think it's ok, click on "post reply". I won't hold back, but I can word stuff so that it's less scathing (was having an angry / sarcastic type of day!!) I have just started a blog, so I will let rip there and share the link with all you guys on the spouse board when it's a bit more populated. thanks again Fred, sending you a big fat hug across the Atlantic x

Hey, are you okay? Don't think I have seen a post from you in a while. We are here for you and we care and understand. Please just drop a quick note so that I know you are alright (relatively speaking ... I know that you are NOT alright, none of us actually feel OK! It's just a relative term. Why am I babbling about linguistics when you would have known what I meant anyway?????) Am feeling hyper today I think, which means that I'll be in bed by 8 tonight Big hug Boo

Jeanne, wishing you empathy and strength across the Atlantic Ocean. The 16th of March was Cliff's 53rd Birthday and I had my first counselling session and told Cliff (speak to him all the time!) that my present to him this year was my promise to do my best to make him proud of me. In the evening two of his friends came round for a few drinks so that I had company. One of them said, "who is that drink for" (it was on the side in the kitchen) and I said, "oh, that's Cliff's". What I am trying to say is do what you want in the evening after the busyness of the day is gone. If you are strong and raise a glass to him, or light a candle or do whatever it is you want to do, you may not feel so strong the following day, that's when it really punched me in the gut! But that's ok too isn't it? Our loves were all too young, and it feels so grossly unfair, but I have a strong belief that we will be together again when it is our time, and they will be waiting for us to fly into their strong arms. Hope you are ok and get through the day alright.

arghhhhhh, how embarrassing ... it IS three months, Feb, March, April 6th = 3 months.

I meant TWO months NOT three till the day that we both lost our soulmates, our worlds. WHAT is wrong with my head, I can't even count ... one, two, three!!!! LOL

Hey Phyllis, that's really tough on you . Apparently the stress of losing a spouse is #1 on some list somewhere. I know that my heart was beating so hard and fast for the first five weeks, that I could hear it pounding in my ears!! I'm glad you're not moving away from the city where you lived and loved together. Your cats ... do you let them sleep with you now?? My dogs sleep with me now ... they weren't allowed upstairs before Cliff died I like the warmth and contact during the night. Also ration myself to Cliff's unwashed clothing so his scent is there while I sleep and I think it helps me subconsciously to sleep through the night now? Am going to try going to a CRUSE meeting to see if that is helpful (if it turns out to be a bunch of people sitting round in a circle taking it in turns to cry, I won't go back) but am open to anything that might help right now. Feel very strongly that I have to do this for Cliff, to push on and use what he taught me (and also what my parents taught me) to live this new unchosen life. I'll let you know how it goes ... perhaps you could get involved with a group like that so that you have friends locally? I only have a few friends as we relocated to our area only a few years ago. One girlfriend lives 2 kilometres away but she is a work friend and nearing maternity leave, but she is someone I can go and watch a chick-flick with and I will baby sit for them :-) The rest are four men who Cliff met through working locally and they are really good company for an evening every couple of weeks, and that includes my neighbour who is "on call" for spider patrols and boilers that go out and need to be restarted etc. Last Sunday, he had to let himself into my house (while I stood on my driveway shaking like a pathetic weakling), as my Barney (dog) caught and killed a squirrel (almost as big as him) and trotted into the kitchen like an alpha male (he's a Jack Russell long-haired Terrier) who had caught a woolly mammoth. Or was he bringing home some meat for me to cook as I haven't cooked any chicken, lamb, pork, beef since Cliff died. (eat at work and eat cereal at home!) So I guess I am hoping that MAYBE I will meet a like-minded girlfriend there that I can socialize with sometimes. We have nearly done 3 months my friend, and we are still breathing ... we may wish not to be, but we have no option other than to carry on (albeit in teeny-tiny baby steps). A good friend lost her husband (he was electrocuted) 17 years ago, and she said that the rawness and pain that we feel now subsides very gradually, but we never stop missing them, we just get used to living on our own. Weirdly, I didn't think it possible to love Cliff more than I did, but I could swear that my love for him has GROWN over the past few weeks. Do you feel like like that too??? A good thing that a colleague said to me was, "just because one of you leaves/dies, doesn't mean that the love dies" and I think that is completely true. Thinking of you. Hope that you find a safe home/sanctuary for you and your cats fairly soon. Please don't be too proud to ask your family in Texas to come and help you move. If you have a garden, get a green-fingered friend to take some cuttings so that you can take them to your new home, or even herbs that you can cultivate on a new window sill ... not telling you what to do, just thinking of little things that MIGHT help and one day in the future even bring a smile to your face when you see a plant bloom that you used to look after together. That's the way my brain works Take care and keep in touch

Hi Gatorman please be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too hard either. Have you got anyone that lives near you that can sit down with you and do all the bureaucratic / home / financial paperwork? My sister in law helped me and came to the bank with me and took notes because she knew I wouldn't remember anything that was said after 24 hours had passed, and she was right! It's ok to be angry, to shout, to cry oceans of tears. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. Keep posting here - everyone is very supportive ... and I have found it helpful and therapeutic. It's a very human quality that although we wouldn't wish this agony on our worst enemies, we seek out people in a similar situation to ourselves and it makes us feel better, perversely. Plus the board is moderated so you are in a safe environment, with experienced counsellors checking advice given out, discreetly and unobtrusively. I find it liberating, comforting and healing here. Really sorry for your loss - there are no words really, but we are all here for you and each other. Boo

I hope my original post didn't offend anyone, and I assumed (dangerously) that only widows and widowers would read it Glad that I made some of you smile ... am thinking of starting a blog (therapeutic for me and MIGHT help others in their future losses?) I laughed out loud about the bird going missing for a day!!!!!!!!!! VERY LOUD, and work in open plan office! Please take the post in the spirit it was intended - with a touch of dark humour. Finally, just thought I would share with you that when we lost our Rottweiler (called Hammer) from old age (in my arms) on December 26th 3 years ago, Cliff and I mourned for him so deeply and we were so raw. We actually shut out the world for 2 weeks as we only wanted each others company and we just had to cry lots and lots. He was such a special smart dog - but he was a person to us, and it was always "us three" so when he died our hearts literally broke and I think I was depressed for the following 12 months and didn't really realize it at the time. One day in the distant future some archaeologist will dig up his remains and conclude that he was a royal or important dog as he was buried with all his toys and teddy bears (one whole big black bin liner full when I collected them up), wrapped in his favourite blue soft blankets, with his feeding bowls and water bowl (that you could have bathed a baby in!), all his food, his own sausages, burgers, cookies, meatballs, etc etc, even his homeopathic eye drops and a whole (huge) turkey that we cooked just for him for Christmas. Cliff even put some food in each bowl, so he had a "viking burial" kind of. I didn't mean to demean the loss of a pet or a parent ... I was just sounding off and injecting some British sarcasm and my dark sense of humour into the post - hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings Please carry on adding your own "pearls of wisdom" - I know it will help me to tolerate future "stupid advice" :-) Boo x

These are things that a couple of my work colleagues have said to me in the past week. #1. "Everything happens for a reason. At least you are young. It could be worse." What I thought: REALLY? Like, that means I have more years ahead of me to be miserable in. Or ... are you insinuating that I should go clubbing and pick someone up because I still can? What could be worse than losing my heart, my love and my life? What I actually said/did: "mmmm." #2. "I know you have been through your own tragedy recently but my son got two years in prison. I feel like he is dead". What I thought: Thank God I read "Companion Through the Darkness" where the author describes how someone responds to her losing her husband with, "really, oh that's dreadful, my mother lost her breast to breast cancer" and she then thinks to herself ..."you are comparing losing a tit to losing a husband". She has a dark sense of humour as I do, so I thought about tits and husbands and tried not to smirk, then thought, "you are stupid ... you are actually standing in front of me, comparing a two year prison sentence to me losing my husband". What I actually said/did: "mmmmm" I know that we cannot possibly expect the untouched to know or understand, but if they are that clueless, can't someone just gag them when they come near me. Another friend has suggested that I collect all these pearls of wisdom and publish them ... perhaps I could call it "Boo's boobs" (geddit? ;-) I agree with the book I read ... they are "amateurs" as she calls them, and I want to scream at them ... "I've lost my mother and father, and this is like losing them both x 1000. That was bad, but in comparison to this, it was CHICKEN FEED. Don't compare or demean what I am going through BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T KNOW and I pray that you never ever will." Has anyone else had to tolerate any of these inane comments?

Hi Kathy how are you getting on today? I'm doing well at work but dreading going home in one way as I know that he won't be there. On the other hand, I love to be there because Cliff built half of my home for me and so never want to leave it. In fact, I 'm sure I never will, just as I am sure that I will never get involved with anyone else ever again - it would not feel right. Have you decided whereabouts you want to move to? I seem to remember you saying that you were going to be looking for work in another area. Or is my memory wrong (quite likely). Hope you are ok. Thinking about you, Boo x

Hey Phyllis you don't need to plan your "new" life yet. All you have to do is take each day as it comes. I was very proud of myself last night because I managed to read my gas and electric meters so that I can have accurate invoices, and had never had to do that before. Cliff's friends were laughing at me because they had to show me where the meters were!!!! You have made some progress ... you have gone from living 5 minutes at a time, to living one day at a time. So have I. I hope your work colleagues are being supportive. Mine are still not giving me my usual full workload yet and they also give me Fridays off so that I can go to counselling. I also have to bring in my home financial paperwork to work and get help from friends here because I can't face doing it on my own and get confused (neurons are simply not firing properly yet and guess they won't be for sometime). Please be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too far too fast ... I did initially and it doesn't help you. Boo x

My heart breaks for you. I also returned to work after one month, and it was too soon for me. I "lost it" two weeks later and had to have another 3 weeks off work. It has only been 10 weeks for me and I will admit to you that I honestly don't want to be here and want to go with him ... these are NOT suicidal thoughts at all (that would be against everything I believe in) but it is simply how I feel right now. My counsellor tells me this is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process. You are right - you have lost your heart, your life and your love of your life. Time apparently teaches you to live with this. Please be gentle with yourself and don't push yourself too hard. Accept help from family and friends and colleagues whenever they offer. Don't be proud at the moment. I have just read "Companion through the Darkness" and it is probably the book that will make the most difference in my life (and I read a LOT) - I feel as though it has given me the permission to grieve as deeply as I want and need to, and it has confirmed that my feelings and emotions are perfectly normal ... I'd recommend that you read it too - you can buy it on Amazon. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. We all need each other on here! x