Boo Mayhew

amazing lyrics. Thanks Dusky, I will listen to this at home

Timeless I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know that it has taken me four months to finally get through all the paperwork and financial stuff. But that's because I did it at my own slow pace. Also I put off doing stuff because I didn't want to face it ... it was like admitting that he'd gone. You will feel better when it's done though ... I needed help with some of it, and sometimes I bring stuff into work because I need someone to sit with me for moral support. Do what works for you, at YOUR pace. I really liked what Kay suggested BTW ... it sounds like a good plan to me. I hope that your son is better today and will join Kay in saying a prayer for him and your pets, and you. xx

Denny, welcome to the Forum. Have you started your own topic because it helps if you do that. You'll get support and empathy from everyone on here. I'm so sorry that you lost your love and I know how hard it is to lose someone without warning. It is such a terrible shock, and you are very early in your "journey". Please keep posting Denny because everyone on here is lovely and they really do understand what you are going through.

Talia I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better ... but I do know that I'd take Wendy and Phyllis up on their offer. We are all so lucky to have each other on this board. When I lost Cliff, I really also mourned the fact that I could never have his child ... I really believe that she will bring joy and love into your life again. I think she will teach you how to be happy again. It is very hard indeed to hear a baby giggle and not giggle with them, even when we feel like this. Wish I could come over to help you, but it is a little far for a day or two! xxx

Hi Karen I'm so sorry for your loss. Please keep posting here because it has helped me beyond words. Has the post office dude been yet? How do you feel now? I DREADED getting Cliff's ashes, but when I drove him home, I found that I got some comfort from having him with me. I kiss him goodnight every day and talk to a big photo of him on my wall. Don't care if anyone thinks I'm nuts I think it's lovely that his family and friends are joining you for this occasion. I am going to do something similar, but because Cliff and I (and our rottweiler!) all loved fireworks so much, I am having a firework made to contain some of his ashes so that we can send him high up. That way I will feel like he is all around me watching over me till I join him. I hope the weekend goes well and I wish you strength to get through it as best you can. xx

My dear friend don't feel bad about not making a decision. Take as much time as you need. I took longer to decide which car to buy, seriously, I am not exaggerating. In the end, I had to get a Manager (who is very analytical) to talk to the car dealership via telecon whilst I sat there like a mute child. Long story short ... I have the right car for me now and don't regret my decision. So take your time. It sounds like Stephen's brother is being much more supportive now, thank God. Good ... you have that. Weigh up the pro's and con's. Get someone analytical to approach this with you. Take your time. love and hugs xx

Kay, that is heartbreaking. Can you take a little extra soil from where George's ashes are and put it somewhere safe. When it's your time to be with George again, could your kids scatter both of you together? I know it's not how you wanted it to be, but that might help? Boo xxx

Teny, I send you strength across the Mediterranean Sea from the UK. Leeann - I loved what you wrote ... it really touched me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE. You know what it meant to me :-) I am more touched by your messages than I was by my colleagues, family and friends, because you know how it feels and even though you are all hurting you sent me messages. I spent the day with my sister and it went ok because I spoke about Cliff incessantly (my favourite subject ;-). My sis was lovely and had got me flowers, girlie stuff for the bathroom and a cake. The cake made me feel a bit wobbly because I had to blow out a candle. She was lovely though and her boyfriend used to be a chef so he cooked yummy dinners indoors :-) The next day I had a good long cry and I knew it was coming ... one day at a time. thanks again, you are all beautiful people xxx

Dear Valley welcome to the site and your now extended family (that's how I look at everyone on this site). What you wrote: I miss hearing his voice. I miss him teasing me. I miss his arms around me. I miss seeing him drive in the driveway. I miss making up after an argument. Now after almost 9 months the missing is just the same, maybe more. I cannot even think about him without crying. I have not been able to put any of his things away....his clothes, his tools, his canvas and paints. His studio is just the way he left it. I don't want him to be gone and so I cannot remove anything of his. And the silence can be so painful. TOTALLY resonates with me. I lost my husband 4 months ago yesterday. Like you, I try to enjoy people when I have their company. But I find it hard to cope with the fact that I can be in a room FULL of people and still feel alone. I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat and either succeed or don't. If I don't I leave quickly with a polite excuse (but I know they really know!) and get myself home so I can howl. Please keep posting. It has really really helped me so much x

Timeless, you need to do what is right for you and at the time that is right for you. I remember that three weeks after losing my husband I was still numb, and was living on pure adrenaline. Heart was banging so hard in my chest that I thought I might have a heart attack (and secretly hoped that I would). As well as feeling numb, I felt terrified. The only thing I can compare it to is being three years old and losing sight of my Mom in a supermarket (but that the feeling goes on and on and on). The sheer terror and horror of it all. Your whole world as you know it has disappeared and this is an awful awful awful time for you. I will say that my counsellor has really helped me and I found it good to speak to someone who does not have a vested interest emotionally, which enabled her to be completely objective. I am surrounded by Cliff's stuff and some days I cry when I touch it, other days I smile and it gives me comfort. We are all different. Do what you want to do. All I would stress is don't do anything too quickly that you may regret later, but it doesn't sound like you are going to. Take care of yourself and keep talking on here. (By the way if you don't want to write letters in a journal you could try writing a blog about what you are going through. I am and it helps me.)

that worked, thanks Marty!

Dusky because you like poems, I thought you might like this one. I am going to include it on my blog because I think it is beautiful. Evocation > A name shattered to pieces > A name shattered in the void > A name that never replies >> A name that I'll die calling > > The one word left in the soul > To the last I couldn't pronounce > My Beloved > My Beloved > > The red sun hovers over the hill > And the deer moan woefully > I'm calling your name > On a lonely hill > > I call your name in great sorrow > I call your name in deep sorrow > My voice reaches towards the sky > But the sky is too far from the earth > > Turn me into stone > I'll call your name till I die > My beloved > My beloved > > by a Korean Poet ,Sol-Wol Kim(1902-1934) >

Lost n Empty I am nervous about saying that what your counsellor said sounds strange, because I am not qualified to comment. But to me, it sounds weird. Perhaps you can ask Marty. My Cliff died almost 4 months ago. But we all go along this journey at different speeds and in different ways. If you read "Companion through the Darkness" you will be relieved to hear that her little baby girl was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel for her, even though she was still grieving for her husband. I think I mentioned that her husband died of a heart attack when she was pregnant? Here is a link to the book so you can read some excerpts: http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/inde...3=9780060969745 I think your journey will be different to mine because you are carrying his baby. I know that she will bring you joy and happiness. Please don't try to rush through this thing out of guilt in case you "infect" your baby with sorrow, because babies are smarter than we give them credit for. You need to heal at your own rate in your own way so that you can be the Mom you dream of being. And you will. I know you will. Definitely do the breathing techniques Marty sent you. Sounds like it'll be good for you and your little one. And I have just looked up the name Ariel for you. Read this!!!! http://www.geocities.com/edgarbook/names/az/ariel.html It's quite often a feminine name, but was TRADITIONALLY a masculine name. So, whether you have a boy or a girl, the name that Marc chose for your child will "fit" either. I hope that doesn't sound too flippant because that's not the way I intended it. xxxx

Marty, the link isn't working at the moment. Thought I should let you know. x

I'm so sorry that you are getting hassle from the one place you don't need or expect it - your family. I did too, from Cliff's brother and daughter, and so I just wanted you to know that I know just how heartbreaking that is. I did get an apology from his brother and from his daughter's mother (Cliff's ex-wife!) who is still in touch with me. But, I do feel very timid about putting myself in the line of fire again because I just can't take it right now, so am keeping in touch with them, but not going out of my way to physically visit them right now. Sounds as though you are taking a similar approach. I'd wait till I was stronger to even approach her about this because you don't need to be attacked in anyway right now. Lick your wounds and gain your strength first. I think that Kay has got it right ... it is particularly hard because the person who would have worked through this and discussed it with you has gone. Which makes their behaviour particularly cruel. My father-in-law has disowned Cliff's brother because he says that he picked on the softest one in the family at the wrong time and therefore he cannot forgive him. I keep asking him to make it up because you only get one family and I don't want them falling out because of me. Dad says it's because of Cliff's brother not me, and that he's always hurt people in the family and this time he has gone too far. Makes me realize just how lucky that I have him as a father-in-law. The rest of the family is beautiful. Sounds similar for you. Like you have a lovely family, but this one person is trying to ruin it. She will reap what she sows, I promise you. It may take a long time, but she will. Karma. My father used to say, "God gives you your family, thank God you can choose your friends." Apologies, that is my dark humour creeping in there.

Are you home yet? How are you? xxx

Oh Phyllis I was off sick yesterday so have only just read this post. I'm so so so sorry about your cat. I know how badly I took my rottweiler's death (from old age) before Cliff died. So to lose your pet from unnatural causes after losing David is just too much. I seem to remember you saying that your daughter used to take David for his blood tests, so what I'm trying to say is, it must make it harder for her because she will be missing those routine checks when she'd pick him up? Does that make sense? I know that losing my Daddy was a very hard thing to go through, but Cliff got me through it. Has she had a look at this forum? There is a space especially for people who have lost their parents. What do you think? I know that it is hard for you to be there for your BF ... this sounds awful but sometimes taking the focus off what we are going through can help. Personally I welcome stuff/problems that I can help people with because it takes my mind off what I am going through. Although, that said, another death is different. Because it will only remind you of your own loss. Which means that the funeral etc will be very demanding on you emotionally to say the least. I'm so sorry. Kay said to me earlier that we do empathize much better having gone through this ... I think you are being more supportive to your BF than you even realize. And if she is your BF she will know this and give you empathy back. In the meantime, we are all here for you. Sending you love and hugs xxx

Lucia, you must be immensely proud. I'm sure you were proud of your husband anyway, but to receive an honour like that is very special. WOW!! I'm sure he does know, but it's still sad that he isn't here to receive it in person, I agree. Are you going to accept it on his behalf? I'd be so proud, but also very emotional if that were the case.

Joanna you were so brave to go there, and I feel that it shows just how close you and Denny were and still are. Let us know what his friends have done with the space. It will give you comfort that others care so much about him too. I got tears in my eyes when you described his co-worker breaking down too. There's nothing so gut-wrenching as seeing a fully grown man cry is there? Because I am so sentimental, as well as being a tiny bit practical, can I suggest something? It's just because you and I are both holding onto unwashed laundry and stuff ... it sounds like you are talking about a construction site? Which would mean that the site won't stay the same forever. Do you want to ask his co-worker friends if there is a brick or stone or plant that you can take from this place and build or plant into your own home? You may not like that idea at all, but just in case ...

Marty, thanks for this information. I guess I was "self-medicating" without knowing that it was a good thing to do! I knew that I had to really let it out (more than usual) so hired that DVD purposefully. I did wonder if it was a smart thing to do, but it worked well for me. Now that you have confirmed that it's useful as an aid, I feel safer about doing it again. Thanks!

hello Joanna thanks my Harley-riding friend xxx Your response means so much to me and I am so proud of you because look at you, you are giving me help today, and WOULD YOU HAVE BELIEVED THAT a week ago? I will be okay because I have to be. We all will be. It's just harder than we ever knew or imagined before our worst fears were realized. Thank God we all have each other. xxx

Kathy, I can't write very much here because I am getting upset and am at work. You know how it is, if you start, you don't stop. I just wanted to tell you how deeply touched I was with what you wrote. Just to put your mind at rest, I am definitely going to be with my sister and I am going to embrace the feelings this time rather than fight them like I did on Cliff's birthday (by filling up my day and making myself so busy) because all I did was delay the inevitable, and I fell apart the following day instead. Thank you for making me smile about saving money on eyeliner Actually, I only apply mascara on my upper lashes. That's been my "new look" since January 6th. Let me know your's and Stephen's birthdays so I can put them in my diary and lend you support too. I too think of you as a sister-in-arms xxxx

Hi Marsha I loved the way you described your employee ... "plopped that baby into my arms" ... it put a big smile on my face. There is something so good about holding a new baby - it can even make you cry with happiness can't it? It conjured up for me the whole "new life, everlasting life, cycle" thing. You have hit the nail on the head actually. I am a person who puts off what she "dreads", and I build stuff up in my own mind so that it seems like a huge issue. For example, the life insurance was put in the bank and I still haven't paid off the house because it's the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I get butterflies everytime I think about it. Problem is the bank only have so much patience. So I WILL deal with it this afternoon. Cliff would be cross with me not to have done it, but he wouldn't be surprised Am spending my birthday with my big sister and her boyfriend. It was all confirmed this morning. I knew she didn't do it on purpose. thanks for your cyber hug xxxx

Thanks for your support Talia. Please plan ahead when you have to go and ask someone you love and trust to be with you ... a friend or member of your family. I think it definitely helps. I think it's okay to fall apart ... it's just that I find the thought of doing so in public scary. When Cliff died there was a slight chance that he might need a post mortem (he didn't in the end) and I got so upset in the main foyer of the hospital, begging the man dealing with me "not to hurt him" that I made the poor man cry with me. Thank God for the lovely people that work there. I'm sure that there were other people who witnessed me losing it that day but I didn't care then and I don't now. It's the thought of losing it in front of people that scares me, but if it happens, it doesn't seem important. Strange huh? Don't beat yourself up if you aren't strong. I just felt that I shouldn't let my neighbour down ... because we thought his wife might die that day (she didn't thank goodness). You're so right Talia, you do understand. We all do on this forum and I cannot believe how much help it has given me. The warmth literally comes out of my computer screen when I log onto this site some days. I know that sounds stupid, but I can feel it. I'd really like to nominate the Board for an Award, but am not sure how to do that.