Boo Mayhew

Hi Carrieboo thanks for your reply. Yes, you are right ... wanting to die, heart being ripped, but I haven't got angry yet, but my counsellor assures me that will come! Have you tried counselling? I have and really think it helps me. I am about to read "Companion through the darkness" and will let you know if that helps too. Boo x

Hi Kathy please let us know how you are now that the anniversary has passed. I was thinking about you a lot on the 14th, and then Cliff's birthday was on the 16th. I picked up Cliff's ashes on the 14th and brought him home with me. We are going to send some of them up in a big firework at the end of the summer because he loved fireworks. (By the way if you do this in the UK you have to get a funeral director to be present). My heart aches for you because I cannot imagine having to pack up my home and leave, especially in our situation, however it sounds as though you do want to move. That said, please ask friends and family to help you to do this - it will be so hard to do on your own. Really. It took my sister and I over a year before we could clear my Mom's bedroom and when we did, we spent the whole day crying. PLEASE don't do this all on your own - PLEASE. Don't be too shy to ask for help ... I'll bet you helped loads of people over the years, let them help you now. Love Boo x

Dear DavidsGirlStill Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your loss - and I have to say that I was furious when I read that people had told you to snap out of it and that you would meet someone else. I also wish that work would be more supportive of you and let you have a longer compassionate leave. I returned to work after a month and then two weeks later it really hit me - the full ramifications of what it really meant, so then I was off for a further 3 weeks and have just returned to work today. What all of us on this board are doing is the hardest thing that any of us will ever have to do and I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how to feel. ONE DAY AT A TIME ... in the very beginning it was five minutes at a time. My counsellor tells me that this process will probably take me 3 years to work through, and that you learn to live with it rather than "get over it". Here is a quote from one of my oldest and dearest friends and I hope it helps you because she is describing how she feels today after losing her two year old son in 2000. It gives me hope because I know that presently I just want lie down and die so I can be back with my husband: "I didn't know I could feel such levels of emotion, that my heart was that big, that devastation could be so expansive and complete.... over time, that huge vast bottomless hole just fills up with love and then the feeling is almost sublime....but it takes a good long while and oceans of tears to get to that point..." Please try to eat and sleep and keep posting here because I do know that it's helped me and I lost my husband on January 6th this year. Boo

Hi Kathy how are you? How did the 14th go? Cliff's birthday was the 16th and I have been off work for 3 weeks as it really hit me hard a couple of weeks back. I hope you are alright and coping (a little bit). I'm going to counselling now and it has really helped me, so you may wish to consider that? Love Boo x

Notcoping, what you said really did resonate with me ... when you said that you have no fear now. I feel the same way ... I have no fear of flying anymore, in fact I welcome it! In a childish way, I feel closer to my husband when I am flying at 30000 feet in the air. Also, I have no fear of death anymore as I know that he will be there waiting for me, but I do have fear of pain still! Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, Boo

How are you doing now? I didn't respond before, but have been reading your post. I hope that you are having a better time of it now and that your plumbing got sorted out too. What a nightmare for you. I know that I have really struggled with the fact that my heating and hot water hasn't worked for the past 3 days ... and it just magnifies the fact that your husband isn't here anymore because he would have sorted it out ... sending you my thoughts and prayers, Boo

Kay, you are more than welcome - I found it incredibly useful as a "sanity-checker" and I'm glad that you found it helpful too. Before I was sent it by a friend (who lost her baby son and found the piece helpful herself) I too wasn't sure if I was reacting to my loss "normally". That said, I don't think that the piece will necessarily have covered all possibilities, because we are all different and therefore react differently. I hope you are having a strong day today. Boo

Dear Mossfire, I lost my husband two months ago and yes, the support that I initially received has slackened off already. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, "life does go on" and I admit that at times I feel offended by that ... yesterday morning I was actually annoyed that the sun was shining in my garden as I felt it shouldn't be because Cliff is no longer here. Ludicrous? Yes, but I don't care. Be gentle with yourself and don't be ashamed to contact friends and be honest with them. I call people and say, "I just needed to hear your voice and talk about Cliff". Some of his closest friends (one or two men) are fine with that and tell me stories that I already know from 20 - 25 years ago, but it gives me comfort. My oldest girlfriend lost her 2 year old son 9 years ago and she read a book which I have just ordered from Amazon. I can't remember the name of it at the moment (short term memory is really bad at the moment) but she said that the book tells you that this experience will re-write your address book for you. I know already that my cellphone has double the amount of numbers in it now, and that the numbers/people I thought would be calling me or that I would be calling are in fact different ... in other words, some of the last people I thought would be supportive are, and some of the people I thought would be by my side are not. I really hope that your support group works out for you ... persist at it Draw strength from this message board and know that WE care about you, Boo

Kathy, I am glad that you found it useful. I have to say that when I read it, it really helped me because I was wondering if I was reacting normally or not. Fred was right too - we can't expect to "pigeon-hole" ourselves into the NOVA piece perfectly, but it serves as a good guide. You take care of yourself and I shall be thinking of you on March 14th. Love, Boo x

Hi Jeanne, thanks for your reply. I find all these messages really do give me the strength to battle through another day, even if that does sound like a cliche. I too have no children, and really mourn the fact that I couldn't have my husband's child now more than ever. I will post here often and read through others' experiences and try to draw the positives from those. Can I say how sorry I am for your loss and how much I totally empathize with your words, "I would have given anything if he could have lived even for another 10 years" - too true! Sending you love and prayers, Boo

Fred, thank you so much for your lovely reply. I think you already know how much this means ... Boo

Hi Kathy I've just read your post and my heart broke for you. Please do not carry this guilt with you. On no account is this your fault - you could only follow the medic's suggestion and you have not done anything wrong at all. I am pasting below something that you may find useful - I hope that you will recognize that guilt is a common sympton of grief. I personally found the contents of this incredibly helpful as I wondered if I was behaving or feeling "normally" until I read it. An old schoolfriend sent it to me and she said it is from "NOVA". Sending you strength across the miles, Boo Stress and Trauma Your Day-to-Day Life Individuals exist in a normal state of "equilibrium" or balance. That emotional balance involves everyday stress, both positive and negative - like being late to work, getting a promotion, having a flat tire, getting ready for a date, or putting the children to bed. Occasionally, stress will be severe enough to move an individual out of his or her normal state of equilibrium, and into a state of depression or anxiety, as examples. But most people most of the time stay in a familiar range of equilibrium. When Trauma Occurs Trauma throws people so far out of their range of equilibrium that it is difficult for them to restore a sense of balance in life. Both "acute" and "chronic" trauma may be precipitated by stress: 1. Acute stress is usually caused by a sudden, arbitrary, often random event. 2. Chronic stress is one that occurs over and over again - each time pushing the individual toward the edge of his state of equilibrium, or beyond. Trauma can come from acute, unexpected stressors such as violent crime, natural disasters, accidents or acts of war. But it can also be caused by quite predictable stressors such as the chronic abuse of a child, spouse or elder. The Crisis Reaction The normal human response to trauma follows a similar pattern called the crisis reaction. It occurs in all of us. Physical Response The physical response to trauma is based on our animal instincts. It includes: 1. Physical shock, disorientation, immobilization and numbness: "Frozen Fright." 2. "Fight-or-Flight" reaction (when the body begins to mobilize): • Adrenaline begins to pump through the body: heart beat increases, perspiration starts, hyperventilation and hyper-alertness • Increased sensory perception 3. Exhaustion: physical arousal associated with fight-or-flight cannot be prolonged indefinitely. Eventually, it will result in exhaustion. Emotional Reaction Our emotional reactions are heightened by our physical responses. 1. Shock, disbelief, denial accompanies by regression 2. Cataclysm of emotions • anger, rage or outrage • fear, terror or horror • confusion and frustration • guilt or self-blame • shame and humiliation • grief and sorrow 3. Reconstruction of equilibrium - emotional roller-coaster that eventually becomes balanced, but never goes back to what it was before the crisis - a new sense of equilibrium will be developed Trauma and Loss Trauma is accompanied by a multitude of losses: 1. Loss of control over one's life 2. Loss of faith in one's God or other people 3. Loss of a sense of fairness or justice 4. Loss of personally-significant property, self or loved ones 5. Loss of a sense of immortality and invulnerability 6. Loss of future Because of the losses, trauma response involves grief and bereavement. One can grieve over the loss of loved things as well as loved people. Trauma and Regression Trauma is often accompanied by regression - mentally and physically. 1. Individuals may do things that seem childish later. Examples include: • Singing nursery rhymes • Assuming a fetal position or crawling instead of walking • Calling a law enforcement officer or other authority figure "mommy" or "daddy" – or at least thinking of them that way • 2. Individuals may feel childish. Examples include: • Feeling "little" • Wanting "mommy" or "daddy" to come and take care of you • Feeling "weak" • Feeling like you did when you were a child and something went terribly wrong Recovery from Immediate Trauma Many people live through a trauma and are able to reconstruct their lives without outside help. Most people find some type of benign outside intervention useful in dealing with trauma. Recovery from immediate trauma is often affected by: 1. Severity of crisis reaction 2. Ability to understand what happened 3. Stability of victim's/survivor's equilibrium after event 4. Supportive environment 5. Validation of experience Reconstruction issues for survivors include: 1. Getting control of the event in the victim's/survivor's mind 2. Working out an understanding of the event and, as needed, a redefinition of values 3. Re-establishing a new equilibrium/life 4. Re-establishing trust 5. Re-establishing a future 6. Re-establishing meaning Long-Term Crisis Reactions Not all victims/survivors suffer from long-term stress reactions. Many victims continue to re-experience crisis reactions over long periods of time. Such crisis reactions are normally in response to "trigger events" that remind the victim of the trauma. "Trigger events" will vary with different victims/survivors, but may include: • Sensing (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting) something similar to something that one was acutely aware of during the trauma • "Remembrance dates" of the event • Holidays or significant "life events" • News reports about a similar event • When recounting one’s story (e.g. to a therapist, social worker or judge) Long-term stress or crisis reactions may be made better or worse by the actions of others. When such reactions are sensed to be negative (whether or not they were intentional), the actions of others are called the "second assault" and the feelings are often described as a "second injury." Sources of the second assault may include: • the criminal or civil justice system • the media • family, friends, acquaintances • health and mental health professionals • social service workers • clergy The intensity of long-term stress reactions usually decreases over time, as does the frequency of the re-experienced crisis. However, the effects of a catastrophic trauma cannot be "cured." Even survivors of trauma who reconstruct new lives and who have achieved a degree of normality and happiness in their lives - and who can honestly say they prefer the new, "sadder-but-wiser" person they have become - will find that new life events will trigger the memories and reactions to the trauma in the future. Long-Term Traumatic Stress Reaction When someone survives a catastrophe, they often experience stress reactions for years. Long-term stress reactions are natural responses of people who have survived a traumatic event. Long-term stress reactions are most often a result of imprinted sensory perceptions and reactions in the brain and body. The most common types of long-term stress reactions include: 1. Re-experiencing the event both psychologically and with physiological reactivity. • Intrusive thoughts • Nightmares and distressing dreams • Flashbacks 2. Numbing, avoidance, and isolation • avoidance of thoughts or activities that remind one of the event • avoidance of previous habits or pleasurable activities that the individual engaged in before the event • estrangement and isolation • reduced affect or feelings of "emotional anesthesia" • partial amnesia • a sense of foreshortened future 3. Behavioral arousal • inability to concentrate • insomnia or interrupted sleep patterns • flashes of anger or irritability • startle reactions or hyper alertness It is not important to know all the symptoms for the stress reactions mentioned above. If you become concerned about your reactions or how long they last, it is useful to talk to a mental health professional who is a specialist in working with people who have experienced traumatic events. © 2002 National Organization for Victim Assistance, Washington, D.C., USA.

Dear Kathy thanks for replying. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and dare I say it, I know how you feel. I think it's good that you are spending your anniversary with his family and to speak with your husband. My husband's birthday is on March 16th, and I haven't yet decided how to cope with that day! Perhaps we were meant to help each other? Strange how we both lost our soulmates on the same day. I live in the UK, and send you my prayers and thoughts. Boo

I lost my world on January 6th this year when my husband, aged 52, died from a massive stroke. He was my best friend, my protector and my life. I have been coping fairly well on the surface, by writing his eulogy for him and holding my head high with pride on the day of his funeral. Financially, I am okay, and I have returned to work (on a 4 day week). But, I feel this massive hole in my life and just want him back. I would give my life up, my home just to have him back. I don't want to be in this world anymore because it seems such an ugly place without him. I didn't know that it was possible to physically feel your heart break ... I am simply functioning, not living, and I hurt unbelievably. On the other hand, I feel incredibly blessed and priveleged to have had such a wonderful husband for the past fifteen years. It feels incredibly unfair that he was taken from me. We loved each other so so much and were content with our own company. I feel so alone, and am alone every evening. Weekends are better as I drive down to the town where we used to live to visit his family and our friends. We only have a few friends in this new area, and they are mainly men ... who find it awkward to be around me. Work is my anchor for the time being, but I feel as though my heart is in a vice that is being squeezed.