Boo Mayhew

Hello my friend ... I HAVE to have alone time so that I can survive this ... I don't really cry in front of others now, like I did in the beginning ... this means that because I am now a pressure cooker, every day I have to let off steam (tears and stomp about sometimes, scream or whatever, but ALWAYS tears, sometimes dignified, sometimes proper sobbing till I can hardly breath tears). I really enjoy people when I am with them, but need alone time so that I can focus on stuff and work through stuff too. So, yes, it is normal, and to be honest, most weekends when Cliff was still here, I LOVED to stay home (people would visit us a lot) after working hard all week. xx

A belated Happy Birthday ... just got back online after a week on vacation. It sounds like you have good friends happy_birthday.doc

Perhaps you were marching onwards because you had a goal to reach ... and when you got there, your body said, "that's enough, I need to rest" ... but a shot in the butt? That IS extreme I know how hard it is to leave his family ... and am thankful that your Mom will be with you for the journey home. I remember that you said that you didn't want to go home before ("what for"), but I hope that when you get there ... you will feel him around you, and find comfort in being with "your stuff" that you collected together, his clothes etc etc ... I know I did. Walking through the front door the first time is extremely tough ... hold your Mom's hand xxx

Dusky I loved the pix and smiled when I saw the little dog on the rock ... that's Dusky isn't it? You are an inspiration to me, truly.

Hi Timeless, glad the blog helped ... just remember guilt is a natural part of the mourning/grieving process ... and it's what I call unjustifiable guilt as opposed to justifiable guilt (e.g. if you killed someone). Making the distinction in my mind has helped me ... although it hasn't stopped the demons visiting me ... I'm sure they will for sometime till I move past "that phase" for the final time, possibly in a couple of years? I kind of trampoline around landing on words: GUILT, ANGER, FEAR ETC ... landing on them at random, over and over again. What I have learned is I have to embrace the feelings rather than fight them. This goes against all human nature, but once I did it, I found it less of a struggle, even if the pain levels are the same ... not fighting gives me more peace. Take care, and hey, you deserve more cats if you want. You've suffered enough. Also there are two many cats that are unloved out there ... so to give one your love is a good thing to do.

Wow, my eyes just filled up with instant tears because you really described how I feel and behave ... I poured Cliff a vodka, coke and ice on his birthday and invited a couple of his friends to come round to spend the evening ... one of them said, "Whose drink is that?" and I replied, "Cliff's" and he acted as though it was the most natural thing in the world Well done for the dinner party, I know it's tough but by doing this, you learned that you can have a good evening with friends, especially talking about Tom and "enjoying people" when you are with them. Personally I do "enjoy people" when I'm with them, but also need my own time because my grief has turned more private now, ie I cry alone these days, rather than in front of people. I have bought those vacuum sealed bags so I could store some unwashed laundry - and ration myself a piece when I need it ... I don't think I'll get rid of any of his clothes, it's unimaginable. I have given a friend of his a shirt and he wears it a lot (it was one we bought in New Orleans and Cliff only wore it once). I NEED that stuff! I could almost picture the dinner! When is the next one?

thanks my friends ... we arrived in Denmark yesterday and all settled in safe and sound ... yes, you're right - we are very lucky to be close with our husband's families - it gives me comfort. I'm using the shower to bawl in (as I have to let off the pressure once a day) and we are having fun together. It's great to have the company. Speak to you all when I get back. xxx

Hi everyone ... am in Holland having a (long) food break and rest (at Cliff's sister's house). So far so good We leave tonight at 23h00 to go through Germany to Denmark. 4 countries down, 2 to go The driving has been surprisingly easy, probably because it is mainly freeway style roads. Cried in the toilets when we stopped to buy cigarettes ... because I saw all the different cocktail making ingredients (different "Bols", Genever, Liquers) that Cliff would have bought to make yummy cocktails when we got back home, but composed myself quickly. His Dad said the loveliest thing to me today: "You have driven so well today and Cliff would be so proud of you. Well done." I was busy driving so that stopped me from crying and I just feel so glad that I do have his family as well as my own Going to sign off as just about to have dinner (it's 17h00 here). Hope you are all well, Boo xxx

Dear Pier welcome to the Board. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. You've come to the right place ... this is a warm and safe environment and we will all be here for you.

Dear ELHG Welcome to the Board. I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Of course it is just as hard the second time ... you were brave enough to take the leap and risk giving your heart to someone again, having already experienced being widowed. Why would it be any less - especially as grief is cumulative. I love your blog (I write one too - you are much more artistic than I am.) Keep posting here please because it has helped me and others so much.

thanks Marty and Jeanne ... this is where we are staying. It looks beautiful and peaceful. http://www.sologstrand.com/holiday-denmark.../hejlsminde.htm

My dear friends please say a prayer for me as I am driving through UK, France, Belgium, Holland, Germany, Denmark to go to Cliff's niece's wedding. I leave tomorrow night to stay at Cliff's Dad's house as we have an early ferry to catch from the UK to Calais on Friday morning. (NotCoping ... even though I am going through 6 countries, I think the distance is actually considerably LESS than your drive!) I haven't driven on the other side of the road before and Cliff should be the one to guide me through it, but I know that he will be watching me, and proud that I am doing it. His Dad and sister will be with me . We are stopping in Belgium for coffee and cigarettes ... very important because of the ridiculous amount I am smoking , then having lunch in Holland with Cliff's other sister. I have my satnav that Cliff bought me two years ago and that covers Europe ... I think he's got me ready for this one by encouraging me to drive on motorways here and gently advising (only passed my test 5 years ago when I was 40). The wedding will be bittersweet for me and for all of us actually, and I hope that I don't turn round too many times looking for him. I really don't want to cry on their big day because I love them so much. BUT this IS the first time that I have got excited about anything since Cliff died and it feels good. So, am going from excited, to fear and crying, back to excited again at the moment. But it does feel good to actually be excited about something. I'll be back on the boards on the 27th May. Till then, take care of yourselves. xxxxx

Alicia, I am so sorry that you lost your little dog. Some people just don't understand just how it tears your heart to lose a pet. My initial reaction after losing my beautiful rottweiler (Hammer) was that I could not possibly get another dog because it would be disloyal to him, and also because there was NO WAY ON EARTH that I was going to set myself up to feel that way again EVER (if I got a dog and then it eventually died of old age like he did). But ... a couple of months after losing Hammer I was not coping with it very well and my late husband suggested that we should get another dog ... so I checked the pet page of the local paper and saw an ad and thought I would call them when I got back from grocery shopping. When I got home my husband had circled the same ad that I was looking at!!! It was actually for two dogs ... Fred and Barney ... Barney is a long-haired Jack Russell Terrier and Fred is a mongrel who was badly beaten as a puppy and he is completely deaf (so have taught him some Sign Language). Let me tell you that they have never replaced Hammer, but I love them as much as I loved him. Just differently! I have now lost my husband and they weren't allowed upstairs before, but they now sleep with me and I would not be without my two little friends. They helped me to grieve and heal after Hammer died, and they are helping me again. I can't tell you what to do, but my gut reaction is this. There are too many unloved dogs out there ... you've got love that you give to one of them. Again, I am so sorry ... sending you bearhug

Shelley, I am so sorry. You are right ... he is sitting with your parents and is no longer sick. I am so so glad that he didn't have to be put down because I know that I would have found that harder. Run, Boomer, run ... chase those rabbits hugs Boo x

I just wanted to add this story for you and had to search for it ... I know that it will not give you much comfort now, but I truly believe that we will all be together again one day INCLUDING OUR DOGS A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

I am so sorry. I remember losing my rottweiler (Hammer). He was like a child to us! He died in my arms from old age and the grief we went through was huge. My late husband gave him an almost viking burial ... all his toys and teddies, his bowls, his collar, a whole cooked turkey!!, meatballs, his own icecream .... the list is endless really. All our batchelor friends said that they wanted to be reincarnated as MY dog. He even had his own massage oil I made a huge collage of him and typed up all my memories, which I then cut up into ticker-tape style over the pix and I like to look at the photos and read the stories which are very funny. He was such a character and SO SO smart. A very human dog with a big vocabulary (understanding ... clearly not spoken ) Right now you will mourn him but I promise you that in a couple of years you will start to be able to remember him and smile again. Not everyone understands just how much people hurt when they lose a pet. They truly are a family member, I know.

A name shattered to pieces A name shattered in the void A name that never replies A name that I'll die calling The one word left in the soul To the last I couldn't pronounce My Beloved My Beloved The red sun hovers over the hill And the deer moan woefully I'm calling your name On a lonely hill I call your name in great sorrow I call your name in deep sorrow My voice reaches towards the sky But the sky is too far from the earth Turn me into stone I'll call your name till I die My beloved My beloved by a Korean Poet, Sol-Wol Kim (1902-1934)

Shelley I have lost both my parents, and now my husband. Let me share with you that my counsellor told me that guilt is a natural part of the grieving process. Guilt is my worst demon, without a doubt. I am happy for you to read the entry about it in my blog, if you feel like reading it. http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/worst-demon.html Wishing you strength,

Marsha and Valley, I TOTALLY agree. People should not pressurize you to do anything you are not ready for.

Partner I just wanted to share with you a note that one of my oldest friends sent me when Cliff died. I am pasting it below and hope that it will give you some comfort, as it did me. let me say something, even though it is such early days - I promise you that his light is still there, it is only that you are in such darkness now that you may not be able to see it for awhile...but you will, someday, and it will be a comfort. For now, though, darkness will prevail. The friend who sent me those words had previously lost her 2 year old son, so in my humble opinion, "knows what she's talking about". I really can't comment on your son's behaviour. It just stuns me that family can attack its own when they are at their lowest. I'm so sorry that they are behaving like this - it's not fair. Have you got a brother who could approach them? Or another son who could tackle the issue on your behalf? By the way, my counsellor told me that it IS quite normal to feel that you want to join your husband (so long as it's passive ... i.e. you want death to happen TO you, as opposed to doing anything actively about it). You are welcome to read my blog entry on my darkest hours: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/deep-dark-place.html Wishing you strength, xxxx

I am secretly pleased that you have an ear infection ... I think it's good for you to have his brother with you right now. Also that your Mom is flying to you to drive you home is great. In my opinion you have been as brave as a Spartan warrior ... let them help you. xxxx

MoParlicious I'm so so sorry that you are having to contend with these extra feelings on top of what you are already going through. It's not fair. It takes a better, stronger person to choose to be different. You are that person. Even though you didn't receive the love that you craved from your parents you chose to be the parent that loves her children ... I'm so sorry that Dan is not with you to see you through this chapter of your life. Protect yourself through this experience, please. xx

Hi Karen it's weird how we get comfort from having their ashes, but we do. Go gentle on yourself, it has taken me 4 months to get everything done. (I tend to put off stuff that I find hard to do emotionally, therefore it has taken me 6 weeks to instruct the bank to pay off the mortgage, because it was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.) When I went to the bank I told them that I didn't want them to remove his name from the cheque books etc. They were very sweet but firm with me Good luck with all the paperwork ... sending you strength xx

Gatorman, you may like to look at this book. I REALLY identified with it: http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/inde...3=9780060969745

Notcoping, I am really really glad you are with his brother. I know what you mean about looking for him. I cannot yet go back to Cliff's hometown again because I also start looking for him, then I panic and then all his friends have to deal with the aftermath. It's good to talk. I know you hurt. Do you think it's harder at four or five months, because I think I do. I'm not sure. Give Rascal a huge hug for me. Thank god for dogs. My Fred and Barney sleep with me now Please drive home very carefully. I tend to think of Cliff as "home" but I also think of our house as home because of memories and all the stuff he did to the house. Do you need to get back to work ... or could you stay where you are a little longer? xx